Funny – Page 9 – Afterwards

Fragile whispers

I tried, I really did.

Right, so I sit down intent on writing something deep and moving in response to Michelle’s prompt and all I can think about is George Michael and careless whisper.

The song is not simply simply tugging at the edges of my thinking as I write, but rather it in my face, freshly waxed wearing only tight leather pants, gyrating suggestively and occasionally thrusting it’s bulge at me quite provocatively shouting “Look at me! Look at Me!”

I’ve tried a few lines of touching prose but each time I think I am getting somewhere it then sneaks up behind me, wraps its hands tenderly around my waist, grinds against me whispering into my ear “Never gonna dance again…”

Given how intent it was on being heard I thought perhaps listening to it might vanquish it from my thinking. Get it over and done with as it was but alas that did not quite work out as I had hoped. Sitting at the desk where I write in the spare room in only my boxers, illuminated by the light of my small screen screen listening to careless whisper, my wife noticed me and passed commented that perhaps I should light a few candles or was there maybe something I needed to tell her.

I attempted to explain my predicament but I had started a playlist and suddenly “I want your sex” started to play and the moment for explanations was lost.

Oh well, maybe next time eh.

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Your lunchtime limerick 27/9/17

Your lunchtime limerick 26/9/17

Photo courtesy of Comfreak@pixabay

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/34953311/posts/1611621418

Dear Earthlings

I am not best pleased.

It’s me, the Universe. Call me what you will, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, The Great Nothing, Merlin, Aslan…I do not mind particularly. My closest friends call me Darren.

Not been here for a while, so just popped in to check up on you and I will admit, you never cease to disappoint me. You really cannot be nice to each other for five minutes can you. I turn my back to enjoy a rather lovely supernova sun and when I come back you’re at one another like you always are.

I was going to list the wars you’re waging against each other but you know what, I really cannot be bothered. Please, slaughter away – the sooner you’re all dead the better. I plan to bring the dinosaurs back – they were far cooler than you lot. Oh, I may keep the Japanese – they’re cool too and I think a world populated by dinosaurs and the Japanese would be freaking awesome.

I was going to suggest that it’s about time the Americans took a good hard look at themselves and stopped shooting each other for no good reason but, well, for one they won’t listen because they seem rather fond of such beastly things and secondly, the NRA have sorted me out with a sweet holiday home so I should probably hold my tongue.

Oh, and do not go blaming me for those storms you’re having. Act of god my big fat celestial bottom. If you insist on ejaculating inside one another willy nilly and living wherever you choose with no consideration for common sense and then building homes on coastal swamps and places known as ‘Tornado Alley’ what do you bloody well expect. I didn’t send the storms and I didn’t give your kids cancer either (despite what a lot of the christians reckon) . Bad things just happen okay. It’s part of the circle of Life. You should listen to Elton John more.

I noticed what you’ve done to the polar ice caps too. Great job you dicks. I always liked them, lovely and tranquil they are. Do you not realise what a lovely planet you live on? Perhaps not – given the quite awful manner in which you treat it. I noticed a turtle with a plastic straw lodged in its nose. It’s not funny, stop laughing. You’ve dumped so much plastic in the seas that it will certainly outlast you lot. Good bloody riddance I reckon.

Oh, and special mention to the Americans. Bravo on Donald. As if being disliked by the majority of the planet wasn’t enough you choose that to be in charge. It has actually made my list of top 3 of monumental humanity cock ups. It is easily on par with the fact that the Greeks can’t seem to install decent plumbing – despite their creative genius, and the small matter of JarJar Binks. George..Serious?

I’m going now, I hope you finish each other off some time soon because I can’t wait to see a Ninja riding a stegosaurus, it is going to be frigging fantastic.

Screw you Haiku

100 word Wednesday – The Chase

99 Word Challenge – Sound

Photo courtesy of Werner22brigitte @ Pixabay

Screw you Haiku

Daily Haiku’s are so last month. I think it’s time to bring back a more meaty haiku ensemble a little less frequently.

Daily Haiku’s are so last month. I think it’s time to bring back a more meaty haiku ensemble a little less frequently. The deal was to take the rather serious haiku form and treat it with a little disrespect and hopefully a dash of humour.

Secret Santa? No?

You make baby Jesus cry

Ebeneezer scrooge!

Doing shots, fun times

Chug chug, life of the party

threw up on the bed

Oh bugger my subconscious seems to be wandering to Christmas already. No, no, no – that simply will not do!

Got the kids a dog

cavorting, barks of delight

urine stained carpets

Taking out the trash

cabbage juice on my good shoes

bloody cheap bin bags

That’s more like it. tales of the mundane. Maybe 3 more. That’s like a weeks worth of daily late night haiku right there.

Need inspiration

Check Donald T’s twitter feed

juices flowing now

Donald: Players must stand

Women, non whites, poor, sick and

Muslim can kneel though

Oh Orange moron

with your juicy puckered lips

just ripe for prison

I know, enough is enough.

Your lunchtime limerick 30/9/17

Late night limericks

My neighbour Ifraheem

The great plan of the gods

Apparently, all terrible things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago my family and I were invited to dinner at a rather fabulous Indian Restaurant in Leeds by one of the chaps who works for me to say thanks for the support I gave him whilst he was fighting thyroid cancer.

During the course of the meal, I think just after the quite delicious lamb main course had arrived, his friend remarked that Allah most certainly had a plan for him and whilst he had given him the cancer in the first place he had also taken it away.

How very kind I thought, and it struck me that this Allah fellow sounds a whole lot like Jesus’ dad don’t you think. He’s often attributed with giving children leukaemia and such to prove that all things happen for a reason and then turning up with jazz hands and a big old “Taadaa” when things are all cleared up to take the credit for a job well done and to check in on what lesson you’ve learned whilst watching your child suffer excruciating pain.

“He sounds like a bit of a dick” I said to my wife afterwards. She suggested I be a little more respectful of other people’s beliefs, and because of how rude I can be she would be taking back the kidney she given me a few years ago to teach me a lesson.

I am happy though to say that my friend is now fit and well, regardless of who fixed him up. I do hope the doctors send some sort of thank you card to a god of one description or another because it really was quite good of whoever stepped in to take this potentially life ending disease back.

Perhaps though him and the other gods would be so kind as to stop giving people awful diseases, because the doctors would have considerably less to do and they could maybe get a little more golf in.

Oh, and she never gave me a kidney – but you knew that right 😉

Photo courtesy of Geralt at Pixabay.

Like at your own risk…

I will admit, pressing the like button on things quite often causes me some consternation

I will admit, pressing the like button on things quite often causes me some consternation, especially if it is something sad. I want to support and encourage, please do not get me wrong, but it often leaves me feeling rather uneasy.

I am quite sure that it would not be taken this way, but I recall feeling most conflicted recently when a Facebook acquaintance posted that he had cancer but was determined to fight it. I wanted to applaud his resolve but would not want to give a big thumbs to his loss of a testicle in the same way I would if someone had posted a video of a puppy falling over in a particularly cute way. How can I like just part of it?

But beware, the risk runs deeper and you never quite know how your like might be interpreted. My wife recently liked an article entitled “Child molesters face internet crack down”, and when I first saw it fleetingly it was somewhat truncated and all I saw was “Mrs Michael likes Childmolesters…”

What if the article had been “Big cock fighting ring smashed wide open” or “Many men now using public transport”. How would I have felt then?

What if I was to like a news article which spoke of the injustice of being unfairly accused of a crime you did not commit entitled “Being fingered by a snitch ruined my life”. I think it is most sad that this reservation that consumes me recently prevented me from expressing my thanks for the great work the police in America after reading an online article entitled “Rape and murder incidents on the decline in New York”.

Perhaps I should just leave a nice comment or send a card…

More things from my brain?

Gift and Song – Colleen’s weekly poetry challenge

After Dark Haiku – 24/9/2017

Screw you, one and all.

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Fatties in space returns but not quite as you might have wanted.

You really should read this first before proceeding, but you don’t have to – it will just make more sense if you do..I am not ready for the full story but thought I would start exploring story lines through the medium of poetry.

It’s a tale of the round, and the girthy who found

a real love, one that’s true , one that’s strong

and the passion they share, but they’re rather aware

that they just cannot ‘go’ for that long.

For rotund they both are and alas the pair far

From in shape, ‘less that shape is a ball

He has always been big from when he was a kid

And she got real fat after a fall

So both desperate to please one another and tease

In the bedroom they try to delight

So as well as whipped cream for this sexy young team

Nacho cheese and choc pudding tonight

But they try none the less, she fits into a dress

Far too small for a gal of her size

but he gazes with love, says “it fits like a glove”

Then devours her like burger and fries

He heaves up his full frame, and she calls out his name

legs akimbo his hands on her hips

says “I fancy some kink, here what do you think?”

and eats onion rings from her nips

But before it begins pudding still on his chins

and the nacho cheese on her top lip

his legs started to cramp and she’s barely got damp

he tries hard but he’s losing his grip

“That’s enough” she cries out, “I do not want to shout

But I’ve needs and I need to be drilled”

So she books them a flight, taking off the next night

On the love ship, she will be fulfilled

For it heads into space at a jolly quick pace

They’ll be freed of this gravity curse

Yes it cost all they’ve saved, but they’re feeling depraved

And she wants to dress up as a nurse

So next time I will tell, and use words such as swell

And engorge and perhaps Ill use thrust

And Ill tell a bit more and you might just adore

The next verse in this tale of fat lust

More stuff? No? I understand…

Get well soon limericks

Musings

More tea vicar ?

Armitage – Part 1

… I had suggested, and I thought quite wittily, that she fetch me a sandwich and a nice cup of tea …

I am just reposting this so I don’t lose it. It was my first ever post less than 3 months ago but I really want to use that post as my blog intro and for the life of me I cannot work out how to do that so I am rehousing this one. Sorry to clog up your feed with it.

Michael

I have never enjoyed Tuesdays. Looking back at the significant moments in my life I am pretty certain that were they plotted on a chart of some description – perhaps a rather nice exploded pie chart – not one of those milestones would appear after a Monday but before a Wednesday.

I recall quite clearly my first kiss and it was on a Friday afternoon in late summer, as far from Tuesday as one might hope to get. My children were most definitely not Tuesday babies, preferring instead to squeeze their way into the work on a Wednesdays and Friday respectively and I married for the first time on a glorious Saturday in July and the second time it was a rather bleak Friday afternoon in March. I could attempt to find a milestone moment on a Tuesday but I shall not because there simply aren’t any. Of that I am certain. I do not, therefore, hold out a great deal of hope as I put pen to paper, commencing with it as I am on a Tuesday evening in early July.

Negative it may well seem, and perhaps I would agree that It is hardly the attitude with which to embark on any new endeavour, but such is my outlook as I sit here in the darkness typing. “So why type?” I hear you ask. Well the answer to that is rather quite simple. My wife suggested it might help me unburden myself and provide me an outlet for things inside that would well be far better out and perhaps prove a route to obtaining a positivity which I apparently quite often lack. I had suggested, and I thought quite wittily, that she fetch me a sandwich and a nice cup of tea which I was also lacking at that precise moment in time – but I received only one of her special withering looks and spent a rather uncomfortable evening in the spare bedroom – sandwichless and parched.

Whilst I make no assertions that this is in fact anything other than late night ramblings, were I to consider this something more poetic and meaningful then as creative journeys go this is simply a first step. Perhaps the journey has not yet begun and this is actually only the packing of a small overnight bag. If this is the only thing I ever write then it could actually be the metaphorical equivalent of picking up an exotically illustrated brochure from the travel agents which I ended up leaving on the bus home and then deciding that actually I won’t go abroad this year and will instead potter around the house and maybe build a small wall in the garden.

Not that we have a travel agents. That closed down when the rift opened. As did most things around here. If there is one thing that I am certain of it is the fact that unless the univers decides to undo that which it has done then at no time soon will I be packing a bag – whether overnight or otherwise – to go anywhere because there simply is no longer anywhere to go to.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tea/

Ronovans Weekly Haiku Challenge

Another week another Haiku challenge which I do rather enjoy. this week the words to use are TOUCH and MISS. I might try a few things.

Another week another Haiku challenge which I do rather enjoy. this week the words to use are TOUCH and MISS. I might try a few things.

How about a 3-5-3 haiku to start.

You left me

How I miss your touch

I hate you

Okay, now the good old 5-7-5. Perhaps a variation on the first.

How I miss your touch

Taliban cut your hands off

your hooks freak me out

Tanka perhaps, as a variation on the previous piece?

How I miss your touch

Taliban cut your hands off

your hooks freak me out

Up a bit, now left a bit

right there that’s it now scratch hard

https://ronovanwrites.com/2017/09/18/ronovanwrites-weekly-haiku-poetry-prompt-challenge-167-touchmiss/

Screw you, one and all.

Its probably wholly inappropriate and in rather poor taste. I’d not read it really.

To Everybody

I write this letter with some regret, though not much if I am to be honest.

I, Kris Kringle, hereby tender my resignation and would notify all concerned that I will be ceasing all and any Christmas related activities henceforth and with immediate effect.

Though there are many reasons for this decision, and it is not one that I take lightly, I have for the most part simply had enough and fancy a bit of a change.

The magic of Christmas seems now lost on so many and I no longer feel the support of the people I have for so long served, and I believe they would be best served by Amazon or Ebay or maybe just sending a really nice card or a letter saying something nice you don’t really mean.

The main reason though is the recent controversy my actions have attracted. As I have repeated publicly on a number of occasions, and I would again insist right now, Elves are not children – despite their stature. The incident of March the 3^rd this year so widely reported in the media was consensual and under the supervision of Mrs Kringle herself who is rather fond of that sort of thing.

I still contend strongly that there should be no bias against human elf relations. I do not recall such an outcry when Aragorn and Arwen declared their love for one another, and they most certainly did not have to contend with people prying into their homes with long range telescopic lenses. With hindsight perhaps we should have closed the curtains, but I am old fashioned and still believe in respecting the privacy of others – despite my day job.

Due to this hypocrisy, I must now work under the scrutiny of child services until they are satisfied that the welfare of my elves is no longer a matter for concern, and this is not a something that I am willing to tolerate for one day longer.

Whilst I accept that I am a public figure, what happens between consenting men and elves should be their business alone. Despite the disapproval of so many sections of society it comforts me that I have found acceptance in some of the more niche communities on the dark web and my wife and I are proud of the fact that we are now widely attributed with being the creators of the “Upside Down Elvish Spit Roast” and the “Pixie Pile Driver”.

I know the children will be disappointed, but their demands have become most unreasonable in recent years and where once there was joy in building toys for them and seeing their little faces light up on Christmas morning these days we are mostly subcontracting to shoddy far east electrical suppliers who use child labour. Whilst it is true that small hands make light work, on balance I am probably doing children a favour.

I hope that you are able to secure a replacement for my position, perhaps the Chines might fancy it – they have the manpower and distribution channels I am sure. For me, I am going to take a few weeks off and catch up on Game of Thrones and then my intention is to open a vape shop in California. If you ever fancy a new bong or an electric cigarette pop by, I’ll do you a great deal.

Best Regards

Photo courtesy of free-photos @ pixabay

The limericks I don’t usually publish

Move along, nothing to see and certainly not for kids.

For every limerick I write there is usually another I discard because it is inappropriate, childish, vulgar, twisted or just not the sort of things I would want my kids to stumble upon.

Today I will publish a few because I am in the sort of mood, and it’s the weekend and what are weekends for if not inappropriate limericks. I had something of a request for more erotic asphyxiation stuff earlier this week. I know I know, but there’s no accounting for the tastes of people.

A conservative preacher, John Stead

Man of god but quite kinky in bed

by the cleaner discovered

bound, naked and buggered

Purple faced, plastic bag on his head

A plumber from Goole well endowed

love to take off his clothes in a crowd

and the ladies he’d please

as it hung to his knees

hand on hips, legs akimbo, so proud

A vicar from Grimsby most hated

spent a celibate life most frustrated

unless you count the young boys

who he used as his toys

’till they caught him and now hes castrated

Something more pleasant?

Ooh look at me being all topical!

Faeries: The long winter

Fences – FFfAW Challenge – 11th of July

photo courtesy of hypnoart at pixabay

My neighbour Ifraheem

Ifraheem was a quiet and unassuming man, very much like any of your neighbours I would imagine.

A flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers photo challenge. Take the photo, write something in 100-150 words. Simple apparently…

“Aah Mrs Fazal” said Ifraheem as the courtyard door swung open, “come in please, it’s so good to see you.”

” I just wanted to pay my respects” she said placing a hand on Ifraheem’s arm.

“Why thank you” Ifraheem replied, putting down the watering can, “It has indeed been too long, what a relief it was when the police eventually declared her deceased.”

“You have endured much” Mrs Fazal continued, “But I see you have taken good care of her flowers. They’ve never looked so well.”

“She would often joke that she preferred her flowers to people” he said, his smile now a little less broad.

Mrs Fazal nodded in agreement as Ifraheem bent down and picked a few fallen leaves and debris from the one of the pots closest to him.

“Well I must be off” she said, “perhaps we could have tea sometime soon?”

Ifraheem felt in his pocket for the small finger bone he had plucked from the pot. “I would like that very much” he said as she turned and left.

175 Words

More? Go on try something different…

99 Word Challenge – Sound

Badger and Fox

Farmer and Dog

http://www.inlinkz.com/new/view.php?id=736996

More and more limericks

I am going to have to admit that I love writing these. Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.

A woman that I work with a Saint

broke her spine when she slipped on some paint

She’s bed ridden and blue

Her hub said he’d be true

now he’s doing her mum, so he aint.

My friend had a wife quite divine

got addicted to cake, crack and wine

really let herself go

and her bottom did grow

only 30 but looks fifty nine

An arab chap born in Kuwait

stole the hub of a really good mate

it was all quite a mess

he looked good in a dress

now they’re married, he calls himself Kate

My sister got hammered one night

with her boyfriend got into a fight

so she stayed out real late

and then slept with his mate

now she’s single again, such delight

4. I like doing 4.

Want something different?

Playground – Daily prompt

We unlikely few – An Armitage tangent

Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt

Get well soon limericks

Get well soon.

To round off a day of mostly limericks one last post. Inspired by a comment by a reader at http://www.poetrummager.com who suggested limericks could replace traditional get well soon message. Thank you !

An infected promiscuous mate

Got aids from a lass on a date

He was once much much bigger

But now has a nice figure

Since infected he’s lost loads of weight

I saw your dad this afternoon

Heard your stomach looks like a balloon

And your bottom has leaked

But your temperature peaked

So I hope that you’ll feel better soon

Your mum said you just been for tests

For a lump that you found in your breast

Lets hope its not bad

Cos that happened to dad

And just after we laid him to rest

I saw your dad at the garage

said your scrotum is swollen quite large

Since you went to Bangkok

I bet it was a shock

When you saw the quite nasty discharge.

Right…that’s a lot of posts for one day, see you tomorrow perhaps.

Photo couryesy of Typographyimages@pixabay

A quite accidental beard.

A piece on beard growing and there is also a reference to a 3 way with the Clintons.

it seems that I have, quite by accident, grown a beard. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe it miraculously sprung up overnight, that would be silly, but I think it might have been sneaking up on me slowly over the last week or two whilst I have languished and enjoyed a fortnight’s holiday.

Alas though it is not a bear of much note. It is not a magnificent shag of a thing – full and glistening and well oiled. It is not styled or quaffed to accentuate my jawline nor is it the type that one might wear accompanied by the type of shirt a lumberjack may prefer.

No, it is none of these things and it does not in any way make me look trendy, sophisticated, well travelled or likely to be found sipping a rather pleasant coffee somewhere with free wi-fi.

It is instead a scratch homeless person affair which serves only to make me look like an ageing alcoholic with an aversion to bathing.

Year round, I am smooth cheeked and shaven headed for the most part and in fact I am usually rather thuggish looking in my appearance given the combination of the skin head and my tattoos. If I was to characterise my looks as a political party, then I would most certainly be Donald Trump’s right leaning Republicans.

It worsens though, because in addition to the accidental beard I also seem to have somehow acquired a ludicrous unintentional mop of hair curly hair to accompany it. So much of a surprise is it that I do not recall how I styled my hair when I was last in possession of any.

If my previous self was to be imagined as a statue-protecting-bed-sheet-wearing Republican then my current self is more likely to be caught in a very dirty pot fuelled three way with Bill and Hilary Clinton.

So what to do? I think I shall ponder my accidental beard and the accompanying unintentional hair and let you know what i decide to do, because the wife says she rather likes it.

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

Photo courtesy of Pexals @ pixabau

On placing veg in your bottom.

This just slipped out…next post will be more grown up promise

A chap from school who Id forgotten

got a vegetable lodged in his bottom

But he chose to do nowt

And it simply dripped out

A week later when it had gone rotten

OK…thats enough posts for today. Just needed to get that out before I forgot it. Seem to be on a roll.

Just one more post…

I have wanted to use the words “throbbing” and “Angela Merkel” in the same piece for some time. To be honest I would probably not bother reading this…

I can’t always muster anything too long when typing on my phone as its far too tricky but Im still awake and seems sleep is some way off.

It is half past midnight and I am in the Premier Inn in Scarborough with the wife and kids and the cocophony of the blissful sleep of others means that you get one more post. Pretty place Scarbrough. I wrote a post or two back why I am awake.

Anyway…my point was that I think I will just wrote one more piece. Perhaps something dirty about Donald trump and Angela Merkel.

Why? Since when did why matter?

How electric was her touch

proud Donald thought on meeting

He felt a stirring down below

As the Fraulein he was greeting

His mind it raced, perfume he smelled

So buxom quite devine

Strong back big hands delicious chins

He craved her “she’ll be mine!”

His mind it wandered, pulse it raced

He hungered for her touch

His little hands they craved to feel

Her German curves so much

Unable to control his needs

he turns Away from twitter

And sneaks away to please himself

Whilst hiding in the shitter.

“Oh Angela” he cries aloud

and dwells upon a kiss

Trousers round his ankles

Face contorted in pure bliss

OK I think I am going to bed this is just getting weird now.

Photo courtesy of 3dman_eu@pixabay

Sombre limericks 6

These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…

I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.

A lonely chap I know named Dom

bought an internet bride, it went wrong

because when she appeared

big hands, penis and beard

he’d clicked ladyboybrides.com

Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.

A woman’s rich husband was boring

Old, obese, dull with bad snoring

said “just do what you will

and Ill pick up the bill”

so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.

I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here. I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him. Maybe it was that. It dd not last if you’re wondering.

Carl does not like condoms he says

and convinces the ladies he sways

“Im catholic you see

withdrawal method for me!”

6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way

Carl is foolish. Do not be like Carl. I’ll give you one more shall I. 4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.

Young lovers eloped and got hitched

after time his desires they switched

Now it’s gone really bad

and he fancies her dad

‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/enamored/

My 100th Post

I started my blog about 7 or so weeks ago, and as it turns out this is my 100th post.

I started my blog about 7 or so weeks ago, and as it turns out this is my 100th post. I had envisaged that it would be something special but mostly it is a reflection of my experience to date trying my hand at writing. With the exception of the last week, being on holiday as I was and deciding not to write, I have had an absolute blast churning out whatever springs to mind.

I have not given any of it too much thought really, and seldom have I edited anything preferring instead to enjoy the pleasure of getting ideas out there and finding out what I enjoyed doing most. Along the way it seems some people have enjoyed some of what I have done which I will admit has been hugely encouraging. I am still unsure of what I really prefer writing so will continue to dabble until I decide what to focus on next.

Finding time to write has on occasion proven difficult but generally I manage to grab an hour or two at night and will type through my lunch at work if I am feeling really excited about an idea. I am looking at trying to establish a better writing routine as my desire to write ludicrous haiku is now to blame for the amount of time it has taken to paint the hall.

When I started I would simply sit down and type, but of late I’ve started keeping a little leather bound book with me to jot down ideas and explore thoughts which has proven particularly useful.

On occasion my phone will beep away as people read and comment on my posts. I haven’t paid too much attention to the numbers, but checking today I can see that I have generated more than 3200 views from 1040 visitors and 1330 likes. Readers from 68 countries have taken a peek at what I have been doing which I thought was pretty cool. I seem to have about 150 followers too but that includes about 10 from twitter where I publish things to but I don’t really understand twitter very well so really must take a look at that at some point.

WordPress has certainly lead me to reading a lot more too, with so many people to follow I’ve never been short of ways to pass the time and there are some fabulous writers out there which have given me inspiration. I have also loved participating in a load of the challenges out there, and in July I did the Daily Prompt every single day which I find a real catalyst. Each day I also try and respond to one of a number of challenges by other writers as they have given me great ideas too. Ill be listing those out in a future post!

So what will be the next 100 be on I ask myself? I’ve no idea though have a few ideas that I want to flesh out to try and do something more substantial whilst also continuing with the silly things like my limericks and haiku which I do so enjoy.

So, whether you’ve been part of my inspiration as a write or a reader, thanks so very much, I’m looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me next!

More limericks about sad things

my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…

my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…

I fellow I know, a romancer

lovely wife, healthy kids and great dancer

had it all so he thought

but it all came to nought

when he died really young of brain cancer

These Twins at birth were separated

who later in life met and dated

they had kids, sad to say

hip conjoined by the way

now in freak show they’re quite celebrated

“You’re adopted” says father to son

“and I’ve just had a chat to your mum

It’s just not working out

we don’t want you about

this parenting lark’s just no fun.”

Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun

Screw you haiku Vol 4

Crude, infantile and fun to write. Gotta be better than what’s going on in the world right?

Crude, infantile and fun to write. Gotta be better than what’s going on in the world right?

Cannibals in love

“How do you feel about kids?”

“can’t eat a whole one”

First day of diet

Accidental carrot cake

I’ll start tomorrow

Spicy curry night

poppadoms and spicy dip

explosive repeats

miles from a toilet

buttocks clenched eyes watering

oh look a turtle!

having a fiddle

mood gone, discovered a lump

testicle lopped off

Want to read more of my stuff? It’s not all like that promise…

A story about a girl

Some sci fi

and something for the kids

Https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/spicy/

The joy of saying stupid things 1.

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man.

You know how people just say things? e all do it and today I think I shall mount my high horse and discuss one of those things people say quite casually that more than likely has its roots in some vague truth but is actually absolute drivel.

Now insist as much as you like, but I do not for one minute believe that laughter is the best medicine.

I am a firm believer that in fact, medicine is the best medicine.

Last year I had kidney stones, and as I lay there wishing for death to take me I can assure you that the last thing I wanted was to be regaled with humorous tales. What I wanted was drugs, and lots of them. Ideally I wanted them administered intravenously but I was quite open to the options of those taken orally or as suppositories.

In a near state of collapse as I was I would happily have allowed passing strangers to ram as many fist fulls of whatever took their fancy up my bottom if it came with the promise of even a modicum of relief.

Now I appreciate that there is an argument here on the effects of dopamine on the body, but my counter argument is that were I a syphilis infected crack fuelled man whore on death’s door then I would surely seek respite of an opiate nature in lieu of watching box sets of Black Adder.

Not yet convinced?

Picture if you will a small village in Africa, and in a small mud hut in this village lives a man. Let’s call this man Ebeneezer. Now Ebeneezer has a son who, due to a most awful set of circumstances, is riddled with aids and malaria. Sadly he also suffers from malnutrition, his little belly so terribly swollen and his face crawling with flies. His son is in a rather terrible way and Ebeneezer calls for a doctor, and as it transpires the red cross are in the area and send one over straight away.

“Oh thank you doctor” says Ebeneezer gratefully, “please can you give my beautiful boy medicine to help with the pain?”

Now obviously what Ebeneezer is seeking is something to make his son comfortable, so you can imagine his consternation when he is instead presented with a DVD of the complete works of Monty Python.

“Watch this twice a day” says the doctor “and he will be right as rain in a jiffy.”

I imagine that Ebeneezer was not best pleased, especially given that Ebeneezer does not have a television, let alone a DVD player.

Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun

Https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

One Word Photo Challenge: Horse

Only occasionally did the fat bottomed girl come to ride him, so for the most part he was rather content.

“Good morning Horse” said Chicken, scratching around in the dry earth for something to eat.

“You’re up early” Horse replied curiously, ambling slowly to the fence and shaking his head. “I don’t usually see you around here.” He munched on a particularly sweet clump of grass at the foot of the paddock fencing. Chickens usually stick to their own end of the farm he thought to himself.

“I didn’t sleep well” Chicken replied, “they stole my babies again yesterday, bastards they are!”

“Again?” Horse responded quizzically, “Do they steal your babies often?” This sounded rather terrible he thought.

“Every time!” Chicken responded, quite upset. “And it isn’t just me. Every morning they turn up and take our babies away and there is nothing we can do!”

Horse considered this for a while. “Nothing at all?” he asked still chewing.

“Not a thing!” Chicken replied. “Have you seen the size of them?”

“They Don’t look that big to me” he replied slowly, swishing his tail.

Horse didn’t object to them particularly, they fed him when he was hungry and in the winter he had a blanket to cover him when it was cold. Only occasionally did the fat bottomed girl come to ride him, so for the most part he was rather content.

“Obviously they don’t look big to you!” Chicken scolded “Look at you, you’re huge!”

“Hmmm.” said horse, he was not one to anger quickly but this sounded most wrong.

“Juliette once tried to give them a good scratch and she got her neck wrung” Chicken continued most animated “how would you like it if someone was stealing your babies and wringing your neck!?” she demanded.

“Most disturbing” Horse ruminated. “Most disturbing indeed.”

Horse considered the situation for some time. He chewed and he thought and he thought and he chewed. “And it’s the fat bottomed girl that steals the babies is it?” he asked.

“Indeed it is, indeed it is!” Chicken replied most upset, “every day she steals my babies!”

“Hmmm” Horse said again. “Not good , not good at all” he mumbled to himself. “Stealing babies indeed.”

“But nothing can be done” said Chicken sadly, “nothing at all!”

Horse said nothing and resumed his breakfast as chicken wandered back to her side of the yard, pecking and scratching and muttering under her breath as she went.

Days and weeks passed, and weeks turned into months and Horse did not see chicken again, but he did not forget the story she had told him of the fat bottomed girl and how she stole Chicken’s babies.

A thin layer of snow lay upon the ground the day fat bottomed girl came to see him. It had fallen unseasonably early he thought as she fastened his blanket on nice and snug. “I hope it isn’t going to be a long winter” he thought to himself.

The girl with the fat bottom only screamed ever so slightly as he kicked out at her as she walked behind him, and as she lay on the ground, blood pooling in the snow about her head he thought of Chicken and her babies before returning to his breakfast.

Want to read more of my stuff?

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

Photo courtesy of Jennifer Nichole Wells

One Word Photo Challenge

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/Amble/

You did what to my Gran!?!?

Consider if you will, how easily a message is transformed by a casually mis-typed emoji.

I’m sure we are all familiar with the tale of the mother who assumed that LOL meant ‘lots of love’ and sent a message to her son informing him of the death of his Grandmother signed off with LOL.

Consider now if you will, how easily a message is transformed by a casually mis-typed emoji.

No? Let me give you an example or two.

I saw your gran last night 🙂 is wholly different to I saw your gran last night 😉

You accidentally add a winky face to that and it gets rather uncomfortable for me. I’m suddenly wanting to know where you saw her because she should have been at bingo. Then I want to know why you were hanging around her and why to god you added a winky face which can only mean something a little sexy. I do not want you having any sexy time with my gran. Good heavens. Stick to a nice smiley and we’re still going to be friends.

God forbid that comes from like a parent or a sibling, that’s a whole new level of messed up and there is no way I can spend Christmas with you all.

More?

Now imagine you were to send the following:

I saw your sister and her husband at the park yesterday.

If you add the tongue out winky face instead of the regular smiley face then again I am wondering wtf, was getting sexy with my gran not enough for you? I am then forced to ask what in the blazes happened with my sister and her rather dull accountant husband Greg that required any sort of tonguing? They’re not the tonguing type of people. Please stop.

At this point I am considering having to ask you to leave me and my family alone.

There are lines one should not cross, and I think careful typing is essential to ensure that you do not send the message below with the smiley icons above:

Hey stranger, popped round to your place but you weren’t in. Was great to see your mum and dad after all these years

That is too far, I mean sweet Jesus what sexy stuff did you do that made you go all winky face and then then cry? Was it both touching and deviant? Were there cuddles?

I now want you to delete me from your phone and call the authorities.

So there you have it. Just a few tips…be careful out there. Next week I intend to explore the incorrect use of the abbreviation for ‘At The Moment’.

Michael

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

Title photo courtesy of JohnHain @ Pixabay

Headline News – #Sunday Photo Fiction

“What you got in the box?” Thomas asked quizzically as Wednesday stepped from the car.

“What you got in the box?” Thomas asked quizzically as Wednesday stepped from the car. He was dressed head to toe in black, which seemed wholly inappropriate for the desert.

“A head” replied Wednesday very much as if that’s exactly what he didn’t have. “I cut it off of one Alphonso White!”

“Whoa! That’s big money you got in there amigo!” said Thomas excitedly, taking the box and opening it to take a look inside.

“It is indeed my friend” Wednesday replied proudly. “Biggest mobster on the Eastern Seaboard – huge bounty – and I have his pudgy wee head in a box!”

“How’d you bag him” Thomas asked looking somewhat panicked. These were not the sort of people whose head you snatched willy nilly. “His people know you took him?”

“No they don’t, it was a complete fluke” Wednesday grinned, “I was following him to get an idea of his security and the daft arses ended up in a big old pile up, everyone dead. I managed to nip in and lop off his noggin!”

Thomas closed the box and handed it back, and pointed to a convoy of black SUV’s hurtling towards them.

“I think we may have a problem…”

200 words

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/15441533/posts/1542925449

For more on Thomas and Wednesday take a look here

More miserable and inappropriate limericks – Not for the kiddies

Limericks about the darker side of life….Today I think I shall perhaps write about sexual harassment in the work place.

Limericks about the darker side of life….Today I think I shall perhaps write about sexual harassment in the work place, prison abuse and the evils of drugs. All of which I know absolutely nothing. Remember, It’s not big and it’s not clever…any of this.

A lass at our work called Tallulah

Approached a young lad with a ruler

proclaimed “Three and a half”

He:”You’re having a laugh,

and it’s cold so do not let that fool ya”!

A young lad caught fiddling the books

got locked up with the rapists and crooks

spent his days filled with dread

frightful thoughts in his head

pretty mouth, lovely hair, rugged looks

A woman I knew, Enid Black

smoked some weed for an ache in her back

then she dabbled in coke

which she got from “some bloke”

Now spends all day selling boobies for crack

There was another here but I think it goes too far but I struggle with boundaries…so if you choose to read it you have to scroll and scroll and scroll.

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

Husband wants rape sex role play

“Bloody hell no!” says wifey “No way!”

“That the spirit!” he cries

all ‘Trumpesque’ grabs her thighs

Now hes single, in jail, wife turned gay