Do it. You know you want to.
Heard you’ve probably lost an election
And it’s years since you’ve had an erection
And your kids are all shits
And your empires in bits
Hope you die from a nasty infection
Mostly Ive avoided politics and Donald the last few years but just a little something for him. You don’t like it? You’re a fan of him? Please unfollow me. Really. Bye.
One about ‘tucking’. I write mostly from a place of ignorance. Sorry.
There was a trans fellow called Betty
Who when ‘tucked’ would get sticky and sweaty
What a frightful affair
When at last it got air
Pale and sickly like day old spaghetti
One about really thick pubes…
Once a hirsute young nudist called Julie
Had a seventies bush, quite unruly
It just could not be tamed
Her thick dark pubic mane
Quite the warm winter muff, well and truly
Its something I guess. It is Tuesday, so don’t expect too much. Not a fan of Tuesday…
Small organed chap from Jamaica
Had a wife, twas an orgasmic faker
Alas try as he might
He could not get it right
Nipples, neck, clit and tit, could not make her
Oh it will do. Hardly great but these are tough times…;)
Once a chap who was self isolated
Day and night himself hard violated
He developed a cough
And his penis fell off
And his sphincter was annihalated
An oft aroused lass from Aruba
Had a vagina shaped like a tuba
Should the wind blow just right
It would play silent night
And in bed there was no need to lube her.
A food fetish fan from Bermuda
Had a wife but he wanted one ruder
Who’d rub guac on his nips
Place asparagus tips
Deep inside him then smear him in gouda.
Aren’t they the best type?
Forgetful chap who was inclined
To place objects inside his behind
Ended up youtube famous
For his cavernous anus
Left him gaping, but he did not mind
A legumephile lady of Queens
Just could not get enough of the beans
Kidney, Fava and more so
Haricot, Black and Pinto
Flatulent, blew a hole in her jeans.
Once a virginal lassie from Bury
To her boyfriend she offered her cherry
“Damn wrong hole” she did cry
“You’re two inches too high!”
“Does it hurt?” he asked, she replied “Very!”
I had to do a wee but of research on this to get the imperial measurements as I am very much metric born and raised. Oh and yes I know, position matters here in the general up and down of things. Look you’ll work it out I am sure…Now my browser needs clearing. See the lengths I go to for your limericky pleasure!
Lonely fellow from North of the border
Bought his ladies online, made to order
Silicone lips and tits
Plastic nipples and clits
arse cheeks plump, narrow waist, shoulders broader
Once a devoted girfriend named Julie
Vowed to love her beau, madly and truly
But when out on the town
Knickers soon were pulled down
On the vodka quite wild and unruly.
Not to everyone’s liking I am sure.
There once was a fellow called Jesus
Connoisseur of the finest of cheeses
“Bring some Brie” he’d insist
“I’ll make wine, we’ll get pissed”
Red, white, rose – whatever he pleases.
Well it is Wednesday after all.
A betrayed french wife, Mademoiselle Eiffel
Went to jail, for she used Monsieur’s Rifle
Caught his with her next door
Eating puddings galore
Found him balls deep in her Sunday trifle
Wholly inappropriate for a Tuesday. Actually scratch that. perfectly suited for a Tuesday.
Christian couple in love, most appealing
Was desire but they fought it, prayed kneeling
Waited patient ’till wed
In Christ’s love took to bed
Balls so blue when he came, hit the ceiling.
Let’s have a few of these this week shall we…
Once a fine undertaker named Pete
Had a secret, though kept it discrete
Until caught late one night
Cleaner shaken, the sight
Of him rubbing himself on dead feet.
A young cow hand alone on the range
Felt a stirring, peculiar and strange
Watched steers evening till dawn
Loved their rumps, and the horn
Well lets just say that it made him deranged
You’d think I would have given up by now wouldn’t you…
Once this bloke I know works in a kitchen
Sausage got his aroused, he was itching
For a night of rough sex
But by morn was most vexed
As his anus was torn and needs stitching.
More than 600 limericks and first time I have used ‘front bum’.
Yeah I know, surprised me too.
Woman, goodstanding of the judiciary
had a front bum that smelled like a fishery
She would hand down decrees,
Judgements, consider pleas
But if upwind then that was true misery.
Oh you poor thing I hear your unwell
seems it’s oozing and starting to smell
round the edge it’s gone crusty
and at night seems quite musty
and your girlfriend she has it as well
Once a shepherd who loved his wife dearly.
When she passed, took the loss quite severley
As he tended his flock
they reacted with shock
he was lonely it seems, rather clearly
A tale of caution and precaution
Married fellow precautions foregoing
red light district, wild oats he was sewing
now he’s crusty and oozy
caught siph off of a floozy
which he gave to his wife without knowing
Once a couple in love but most chaste
He to her: “Love my seeds gone to waste
I wake up in the night
sticky mess, PJ’s tight
god won’t mind if you have just a taste”
Oh don’t go acting all surprised
Once a vicar, a spiritual leader
Like plump ladies turned into a feeder
feeds them sausage and pies
for round bellies, thick thighs
massive bottom? Oh he’d really need her
I want them to stop too but alas I can’t seem to.
Master baker with quite tasty wares
rather handsome the ladies would stare
as his buns were most round
and his baguette profound
his iced finger was extraordinaire