Once a virginal lassie from Bury
To her boyfriend she offered her cherry
“Damn wrong hole” she did cry
“You’re two inches too high!”
“Does it hurt?” he asked, she replied “Very!”
I had to do a wee but of research on this to get the imperial measurements as I am very much metric born and raised. Oh and yes I know, position matters here in the general up and down of things. Look you’ll work it out I am sure…Now my browser needs clearing. See the lengths I go to for your limericky pleasure!
Lonely fellow from North of the border
Bought his ladies online, made to order
Silicone lips and tits
Plastic nipples and clits
arse cheeks plump, narrow waist, shoulders broader
Once a devoted girfriend named Julie
Vowed to love her beau, madly and truly
But when out on the town
Knickers soon were pulled down
On the vodka quite wild and unruly.
Not to everyone’s liking I am sure.
There once was a fellow called Jesus
Connoisseur of the finest of cheeses
“Bring some Brie” he’d insist
“I’ll make wine, we’ll get pissed”
Red, white, rose – whatever he pleases.
Well it is Wednesday after all.
A betrayed french wife, Mademoiselle Eiffel
Went to jail, for she used Monsieur’s Rifle
Caught his with her next door
Eating puddings galore
Found him balls deep in her Sunday trifle
Wholly inappropriate for a Tuesday. Actually scratch that. perfectly suited for a Tuesday.
Christian couple in love, most appealing
Was desire but they fought it, prayed kneeling
Waited patient ’till wed
In Christ’s love took to bed
Balls so blue when he came, hit the ceiling.
Let’s have a few of these this week shall we…
Once a fine undertaker named Pete
Had a secret, though kept it discrete
Until caught late one night
Cleaner shaken, the sight
Of him rubbing himself on dead feet.
A young cow hand alone on the range
Felt a stirring, peculiar and strange
Watched steers evening till dawn
Loved their rumps, and the horn
Well lets just say that it made him deranged
You’d think I would have given up by now wouldn’t you…
Once this bloke I know works in a kitchen
Sausage got his aroused, he was itching
For a night of rough sex
But by morn was most vexed
As his anus was torn and needs stitching.
More than 600 limericks and first time I have used ‘front bum’.
Yeah I know, surprised me too.
Woman, goodstanding of the judiciary
had a front bum that smelled like a fishery
She would hand down decrees,
Judgements, consider pleas
But if upwind then that was true misery.
Oh you poor thing I hear your unwell
seems it’s oozing and starting to smell
round the edge it’s gone crusty
and at night seems quite musty
and your girlfriend she has it as well
Once a shepherd who loved his wife dearly.
When she passed, took the loss quite severley
As he tended his flock
they reacted with shock
he was lonely it seems, rather clearly
A tale of caution and precaution
Married fellow precautions foregoing
red light district, wild oats he was sewing
now he’s crusty and oozy
caught siph off of a floozy
which he gave to his wife without knowing
Once a couple in love but most chaste
He to her: “Love my seeds gone to waste
I wake up in the night
sticky mess, PJ’s tight
god won’t mind if you have just a taste”
Oh don’t go acting all surprised
Once a vicar, a spiritual leader
Like plump ladies turned into a feeder
feeds them sausage and pies
for round bellies, thick thighs
massive bottom? Oh he’d really need her
I want them to stop too but alas I can’t seem to.
Master baker with quite tasty wares
rather handsome the ladies would stare
as his buns were most round
and his baguette profound
his iced finger was extraordinaire
I know how you feel I really do. I’d avoid this one to be honest.
A young couple quite clearly in love
truly blessed loved the good lord above
then he watched too much porn
now her anus is torn
and looks awfully like a foxglove
Just for you because I know how you like them…
An industrious hobo from Kent
had no home, not a box nor a tent
sold his bottom for cash
round his mouth, nasty rash
on cheap liquor his takings were spent
Let’s continue the summer theme shall we. There are some sights out there to be seen for sure.
drunk shirtless methodone tramps
all the girls bits out
Today I did actually see what appeared to be a shirtless methadone tramp. I think he had maybe lost his shirt though or left it in a dumpster because it didn’t seem to be about his person. Curiously he also had one trouser leg rolled up to the knee whilst he wore the other in the more traditional fashion.
How do I know he was on something? Well I don’t and I might be super judgy but I think walking down the middle of the road whispering to himself whilst staring wildly at passers by was a bit of a give away.
Still, I’m sure it was lovely to feel the sun on his back as he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the fine weather we are having.
On the matter of flesh well, you just head down to the market here and you’ll see what I am on about. Whilst I am all for body positivity whatever your shape or size that doesn’t mean I support adults wearing childrens clothes to go and eat sausage rolls on a bench outside of the bookies.
day two of diet
would mug a child for sweeties
stab a tramp for cake
Iran v poland
Its garbage but I’ll watch it
It is the world cup
Short and not at all sweet
Gravity my foe
claims pendulous body parts
sag like melted wax
It’ll be over before you know it I assure you.
I best get to bed
soon, just one more episode
Dawn…curse you Netflix!
It’ll be over before you know it trust me.
Monday back to work
Wake up hoping that I’m ill
Oh damn it feel fine
Incy wincy oh my bloody hell!
Oh I hear that your feeling unwell
You got bit and it started to swell
Lets hope it’s not a spider
That then laid eggs inside ya
Cos they’ll burst out, that’s scary as hell