May in photos
London, Bristol,Halifax and great food
London, Bristol,Halifax and great food
Hot bird cravings
Juices flowing, steaming hot
Did I mention moist?
KARATE ON A FIRST DATE
Baby take my hand
What would Jesus think
There once was a woman from France
Asked a baker to go to a dance
As she really did want
His baguette and croissant
And his perfectly shaped vol-aux-vents
A reminder that I did these once
Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”
Head down inhaling
hot musky heady odours
tangy on the tongue
Armpits. Some people are get all amorous for pits. Fair enough I guess.
Things that make you go mmmmm
A milk maid most fair and sublime
Drove the local boys wild all the time
They would every night dream
Of her heavenly cream
And her milking technique, quite divine
Heard you’re sick, quite unwell, chesty wheeze
Get well soon and stay hydrated, please
Hope you’re soon on the mend
It’s quite gross, can’t pretend
As your bum still explodes when you sneeze
It’s never too late for adoption.
Shit my kids talk…
Shit my kids say…
Shit my kids say…
I’ve done an awful job as a parent
Last of these I promise…
A witch called Hermione, when drunk
Would go mad for a wand wielding hunk
Dragons got her real hot
Hippogriffs ripe to trot
She’d go wild for a werewolf’s big trunk
There once was a wizard called…
A dirty gameskeeper called Rubious
When alone would do things, some deemed dubious
He’d profess, “It’s not weird,
Now come straddle my beard.”
He’d scream loud and explode like Vesuvious
A wayward young dentist called Esther
Handsome patients would quite often pester
Press up close to their side.
Wink and say “open wide”
In the hope that they might just molest her
Dont trim too much, gents…
You know who to blame
No one can ever enjoy
A small black moustache
Gluten most tolerant
A hot blooded young baker called Dicky
had a thing for hot bread and so quick he
would fondle baguette
blush and stammer and sweat
and his fingers would end up quite sticky
Once a vet, quite the lover of rats,
mice and gerbils, but not fond of cats
Made a fine pair of mittens
from some cute persian kittens
and a tabby he made into hats
That will need antibiotics I imagine.
There once hailed a young man from Dublin
saw the doctor who said “It’s quite troubling,
that it’s looking most queer
could be syphilis I fear
as it’s covered in puss and is bubbling.”
One with a filthy drawing
Thinks he still has it
mostly she is wondering
if she dropped a stitch
Feeling under the weather?
Heard you’re under the weather and wheezy
and your bottom is really quite breezy
and you’re head’s thick and snotty.
and your breath’s pretty grotty.
lots of fluids and rest, take it easy
One about butt stuff.
Once a mistress on more she insisted
Wanted love not just sex, dark and twisted
Tenderness, love, respect
Instead anus, quite wrecked
As her fellow her bottom rough fisted
Things I would not place inside myself
It seems that there are those that will, and I think it’s a farce,
but people (per the internet) do hide things in their arse.
I’m told (though not seen it myself for I share my PC
with kids) so cant research it but if I did then I would see
Ripe marrows place in darkest holes, and veges by the barrow
inserted, lubed and with great force, pushed into bottoms narrow.
Digits, midgets, varied widgets placed where sun shines not
a friend of mine vanished a vase when on it she did squat.
This bloke from Scotland, cavernous, spread wide, bent to receive
the contents of Old Nick’s full sack when drunk on Christmas eve.
And I did read a tale of woe of one lad who took pleasure
dressed as a pirate placed gold coins inside like hidden treasure.
A story told of one young chap one night when feeling fruity
filed down a tooth brush, electric type, to place inside his booty.
But not outdone a lass invited several chaps to sample
her gaping hole but it turned out that just the two were ample…
Things stuck inside, spread open wide, or inside falling out
each to their own, and when at home, I really have no doubt
that there are those who cant recall, have lost things, or forgotten
I might suggest they might just be lodged somewhere inside your bottom.
One from the archives, which I have no recollection of writing..
You can listen instead of reading if you prefer.
Old Walter McDad finds such joy in the sad
The depressed and the rather quite tragic
He would dance with delight if your shoes were too tight
Spilled your tea on your crotch? Oh quite magic!
Caught your knob in your zip? Caused your foreskin to rip?
He would high five in great celebration
Birth defects? He loves those. Diabetic? Lost toes?
Well to him they’re such cause for elation
Enjoys watching the poor, mocks the sick and what’s more
Steals the cash from the tramps at the station.
Takes a dump on your lawn, tells your kids to watch porn
Big wide grin at your grandma’s cremation
Fingers crossed at the vets they declare that your pets
need to be put to sleep with much haste
Phone the docs and the answer is that you have cancer
He’d take joy, he knows its in poor taste
For Walt spends all his days in such terrible ways
Don’t ask why he just does ‘cos he can
At a hundred and one he’d still rodger your mum
He’s a rather quite nasty old man
So watch out and beware at the top of the stair
As he’d gladly push you in the back
You go head over tit and he’d chuckle and sit
Watch you bleed as he enjoys a snack
What once were endless summer days, and tender nights not counted
Sweetest whispers, love unbridled, days drift by embraced
And 69 more ways your soft pink flesh was nightly mounted
And your skin glowed with the blush of love’s seed spilled upon your face
The heart quickened, loins wet, thickened, hair pulled, lost souls intertwined
Gimp mask, red room, 12 inch pseudo love meat, I am yours and you are mine.
So spent, we lay in sheets soiled with the remnants of our love
we fit like trains into a tunnel, like large hand into small glove
And when no lube can dampen, when blue pills can not revive
Will we shuffle from this mortal coil, our passions still alive
Somewhere far beyond these night time stars that we once watched together,
Shall our memories drift slowly into inky black forever