Now there’s a man who knows what he likes, and he likes what he knows.
There once was a Scotsman called Warren
Who kept treasures galore ‘neath his sporran
How the ladies would wilt
If he lifted his kilt
But he much preferred boys, tanned and foreign
Ruining diminuitive Japanese poetry one picture at a time
With words does ensnare
and all resistance removes
silver tongued devil
Just a little something before bed…
Kinda inspired by this if you’ve never read it. I think its one of my best…I even did an audio version.
There are things that pass my lips that I so willingly enjoy
A baby cow, a deer, some sheep, to them utensils I deploy
Fried , roasted, dipped in fondue cheese my preferences are wide
I know they’re cute on the outside, but I so crave the meat inside
Loin, flank, short rib, grass fed, food bid, to stop my clothes from spoiling
Oh whip me up wild roaming fowl, salted, spiced post boiling
These things I lust, my lips do quiver in anticipation
I realise it leaves some folk in the most sternest consternation
But they are safe, so rest assured, my menu rightly lacks their cut
For far too lean and scrawny I do find them, they don’t satisfy my gut
And even though you add some veg, add onions or some aubergine in
No thanks, fear not, I’ll have a salad, for I could never eat a vegan
A rude one about a woman and her need for a particularly large penis.
A cavernous lass, quite pedantic
who insisted on cocks most gigantic
No nine inchers for her
(unless girth) she don’t care
Only upwards of twelve get her frantic
One to read out loud…it works, trust me
Once a tight sphinctered fellow called Tristin
Took a liking for stranger-based fisting
In back alleys often found
With his pants on the ground
With some chap, as he yelled “Get your wrist in!”
Mmmmm tasty…
Married chap I know has him a mistress
Who it turns out will eat only citrus
Says her ass tastes sublime
Just like lemons and lime
And he raves of her tangerine Clitoris
Oh I’m sure every family has been there. No? Oh…right…sorry. Well bet Im the only one with this title in a blog post EVER!
he watched plumber porn
Connected to the Bluetooth
while folks ate salad
A hallmark moment…
Heard you’re under the weather and wheezy
and your bottom is really quite breezy
and you’re head’s thick and snotty
and your breath’s pretty grotty
lots of fluids and rest, take it easy
Killing diminuitive Japanese poetry one abomination at a time…
Sweet hyperbole
In pursuit of fair romance
oft on deaf ears falls
Aah the things we deny ourselves…
Once a lady with grace, class and poise
Had a craving for both girls and boys
She would keep it well hidden
What she thought was forbidden
And so got through so many sex toys
Dirty, dirty girl
A vegan lass who had forgotten
About the things that she’d placed in her bottom
From a night of abandon
With some vegetables, random
‘Till they dripped from her sphincter, quite rotten
SHandmaid’s tale
Life lessons, free. No need to thank me.
Once a chap who was wooing a lass
Treat her fine, with respect and such class
But he failed in his quest
She liked perverts the best
Who would crave her big boobs and fine ass
A moment of mirth as the world burns
A quite chilly vet from Cancun
Made a hat from a baby baboon
Made a scarf from some kittens
Turned some puppies to mittens
Found himself rather warm pretty soon
Been ages…
Once a buxom lass, claimed her lord died
For her sins and so fellows denied
Poor blue balls of her suitors
As they craved her large hooters
None succeeeded though many have tried
Real heartfelt stuff…
Oh sweet love, you consume me, devine
I am yours and I know you are mine
Im obsessed, that’s for sure
With your love,sweet and pure
And the fact that you love 69
I should know better. I do.meh…
He thinks he’s funny
But he gambled on a fart
Faecal stained trousers
It’s that time again
Once a virginal lassie from Bury
To her boyfriend she offered her cherry
“Damn wrong hole” she did cry
“You’re two inches too high!”
“Does it hurt?” he asked, she replied “Very!”
A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards
Heard you had quite a tiff with your Zip
And the skin on your knob it did rip
And you screamed like a child
And your eyes they bulged wild
Left a rather deep gouge in the tip
photo courtesy of pixabay
A lesson in the importance of being sensitive
She, orphaned at birth
Revealed, he comforts with sex
Moderate language
Meat based frolics
Once a perverted butcher called Pete
Did despicable things with his meat
It would so make you quiver
As he frolicked in liver
Rubbed his sausage with rancid pigs feet
It’s just made up okay, for shits and giggles. Honest. Plus I get to use the dildo bike gif again.
Once a cyclist of note, name of Mike
Big old smile as he peddled his bike
Look of bliss on his face
For the seat he’d replaced
With a dildo, he really did like!
Another from the drafts that I cant really remember writing…I should refine it and make it rhyme properly…but I cannot be arsed.
I would kiss your lips a thousand times
But god, just imagine the chafing
and they’d get really scabby
and you’d get quite crabby
And you’d need lip creams and balm and look awful
___
So I’ll shout your name from the roof tops
But not late, we have neighbours you know
Though I could likely fall
So perhaps I’ll just call
Out your name from the top bedroom window
___
Hey I could climb the worlds highest mountain
Swim deep oceans to declare our passion
But heights scare me to bits
And cold water is shit
Is there anything else that’s in fashion?
___
Ooh a poem would show my devotion
And some flowers and choccies and wine
But you’re quite fat already
And drink lots, take it steady
And your reading age is not much more than nine
___
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways
Let me woo, swoon and bask in your beauty
(once you’ve put on your make up)
Then perhaps we can make up
Cos I quite like your tits and round booty
Found this in my drafts. Don’t have a clue what the devil it’s about. Random words mostly I think…
Do your think of him those days
Where dark thoughts senses suffocate
That joy I watched drain from your face
As life and lies cruel whispers told
Your many secrets slow, unfold
Fools promises and could have been’s
you would not keep them from your door
Instead with smile forced on your face
Arms wide you beckoned them inside
Embraced as they to you heart lied
Promises, so sickly sweet
Coarse noose of lies, soft velvet hopes
’till dangling feet dance all alone
Blinded, stumbling, on and on
And hope, and faith, bright eyes now gone
One about how to work out your manhood volume.
A perverse math’matician of note
to work out his cock volume, he wrote
“Times the length by the girth”
He reported with mirth
And then published with pics and did gloat.
Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Happy Thursday !
words. mostly…
I remember it quite clearly
Pale sun painting frosted fields
And you at peace, to sadness yields
So many, loved so dearly
…
Butterscotch sweets in kilner jars
Full house, late nights, your Sunday roast
Full ashtrays I recall the most
What was, now framed like painted flowers
…
And years go by, the memories stronger
Each twisted branch still skyward growing
The things you handed down not knowing
That they would linger, loving, longer
…
And so the sequels spring to life
A library of stories new
And every one because of you
Mother, grandma, sister, wife
Afterwards 