Its like going to church, just with a dildo. Well, depends on your church really…
Adult toy shop worker, Brenda
Had no chap, but a quite good pretender
Loved to take her work home
lube and clamps, when alone
And a dildo, a black double ender
One about how to work out your manhood volume.
A perverse math’matician of note
to work out his cock volume, he wrote
“Times the length by the girth”
He reported with mirth
And then published with pics and did gloat.
Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Happy Thursday !
No need to thank me.
High class hooker, quite skilled called Bianca
Lawyers, doctors, occasional banker
She would tempt and then tease them
with her bounties she’d please ’em
Gave her Pearl necklaces just to thank her
Ooh Brian you dirty, dirty little imp…
A virginal fellow called Brian
To get laid, he was tryin’ and tryin’
Efforts all came to nought
Then “eureka!”, a thought
Now each week, big boobed hooker’s he’s buyin’
Seems I wrote one…
4th of April last year I posted this. I actually forgot about it mostly. I sold quite a few copies and had some good reviews and am rather quite proud of it. I’m currently working on some other things right now…but below is the original post…It is wholly inappropriate by the way. In a good way!
_____________________________________
I have written before about why I started my blog. For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work. Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.
Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.
Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks. Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess. Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”
Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’
Oh and I dedicated it to her too. Seemed only right.
Paperback in the UK is here
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
–
UK E-Book can be preordered here for delivery on the 12th of April.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07QF58TYM
The US E-Book is here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QF58TYM
Who’d have thought it eh…
Just a little something for you.
An amorous lad, Jeff from Devon
Met a girl and he promised her heaven
Fraught with amorous sighs
Reached aroused twixt her things
Turns out not quite a Kate, but a Kevin
February had 29 days, March 200 and April has 625. I have no idea what day or month it is to be honest…
This poor lad I know, self isolated
Spent his days watching porn, masturbated
Till his bits were quite raw
And his arms were real sore
And his balls were all red and inflated
…About Gender reassignment
A broad shouldered young fellow called Fred
“Bod’s a male, I’m female in my head”
He quite firmly asserted
Has his penis inverted
Keeps his balls in a jar near his bed
A broad shouldered lady called Brenda
Big old hands, hairy arms, legs quite slender
Wispy beard and top lip
Quite full breast, curvy hip
Size 12 feet, hard to classify gender
Seems I wrote one…
You can read about the WHY here…but it’s out there. 300 of my finest limericks. Currently trending at number 359 in the limericks category on Amazon!
After a few people have read it I am probably about ready to admit I am kinda proud of it now. 🙂
Paperback in the UK is here
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
There are ebook versions too.
Seems I wrote one…
I have written before about why I started my blog. For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work. Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.
Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.
Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks. Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess. Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”
Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’
Oh and I dedicated it to her too. Seemed only right.
Paperback in the UK is here
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
–
UK E-Book can be preordered here for delivery on the 12th of April.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07QF58TYM
The US E-Book is here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QF58TYM
Who’d have thought it eh…
I know I can do better but it was just something to go with the silly stick drawing really…
Once a potus loved grabbing Vagina
Picked a trade war with that lot in China
denied workers their pay
just to get his own way
Loved his daughter since she was a minor
Mmm all the good bits.
A sausage fan Frankie Maloney
Had a craving for fresh made polony
From pigs trotters and snout
Chickens anus and trout
And some testicles , preferable pony
I think Americans call it Baloney though right? Not Polony. Same thing I believe…Either way it is #leftoverdirtyanimalbitstastic
More on a similar theme…I particularly like the use of the word ‘Wild’
Once a man of esteemed reputation
Quite addicted to wild masturbation
The real thing he would shirk
Instead content to jerk
And enjoy solo gratification
I promise. You know I wouldn’t lie to you.
Once A brave young knight of Camelot
Yearned for pork chops and ham piping hot
Sadly times were austere
So each night with his beer
He had trotters and snout in his pot
We’ve all seen them on those tv shows…
An incestuous chap, fan of twister
Darkest urge as he played with his sister
Remarked “oh my dear Wendy
You’re so supple and bendy”
Late that night on his palm quite the blister
Him. Not me. Okay maybe a bit me but mostly him.
A commuter perverted young Justin
in packed carriages often found thrusting
against strangers unknown
he would shudder and moan
and head home quite aroused his loins busting
It’s a thing by the way…look. Okay that ones about something else but look up frotteurism!
Shockingly poor but hey ho, it’s something.
A fine gent who went off of the rails
whose dark deeds insignificant pail
when compared to his wife
cos she’s living the life
having threesomes with clowns in North Wales
Okay maybe not…
A young prudish chap found it perverted
when his bride screamed, eyes closed and then squirted
he thought she was possessed
when he witnessed the mess
as she thrashed about still quite night shirted
You know you want it.
Handsome jeweller quite fond of the girls
Lovely hair, rather thick full of curls
He would tempt and seduce
Be they proper or loose
Give them necklaces, often of pearls
Why not eh…
A rugby fan Jennifer smalls
For big men in tight shorts climbed the walls
And she couldn’t resist
The intense violent hits
And the wonderfully misshapen balls
Salty goodness
A young Muslim was really quite shaken
When he realised he rather loved bacon
He tried to be devout
But he rather loved snout
Judgement day he is sure to be shakin’
All the top politicians love to shape young minds. They’re such good types.
Politician in Lords, landed Gentry
loved to instruct young boys by the plenty
every night as a rule
he’d head down to the school
and insist “open up, give me entry!”
Deep breaths…
A young lad quite obsessed with silk pants
Who would steal then if given the chance
And give them a big sniff
Cos he loved the soiled whiff
Stole his mums, sister’s, gran’s and his aunt’s
tut tut tut
Once a dirty old pervert from Scilly
Walked around showing people his willy
Some would avert their eyes
Others laughed at the size
Was so small and then more so when chilly
