A broad shouldered lady called Brenda
Big old hands, hairy arms, legs quite slender
Wispy beard and top lip
Quite full breast, curvy hip
Size 12 feet, hard to classify gender
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Tag: limericks
My First Book – For those who missed it last time…
Seems I wrote one…
You can read about the WHY here…but it’s out there. 300 of my finest limericks. Currently trending at number 359 in the limericks category on Amazon!
After a few people have read it I am probably about ready to admit I am kinda proud of it now. 🙂
Paperback in the UK is here
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
There are ebook versions too.
My First Book
Seems I wrote one…
I have written before about why I started my blog. For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work. Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.
Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.
Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks. Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess. Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”
Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’
Oh and I dedicated it to her too. Seemed only right.
Paperback in the UK is here
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
–
UK E-Book can be preordered here for delivery on the 12th of April.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07QF58TYM
The US E-Book is here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QF58TYM
Who’d have thought it eh…
Oh him again. In limerick form.
I know I can do better but it was just something to go with the silly stick drawing really…
Once a potus loved grabbing Vagina
Picked a trade war with that lot in China
denied workers their pay
just to get his own way
Loved his daughter since she was a minor
A limerick about delicious dirty left over animal bits
Mmm all the good bits.
A sausage fan Frankie Maloney
Had a craving for fresh made polony
From pigs trotters and snout
Chickens anus and trout
And some testicles , preferable pony
I think Americans call it Baloney though right? Not Polony. Same thing I believe…Either way it is #leftoverdirtyanimalbitstastic
Saves on fancy dinners I guess.
More on a similar theme…I particularly like the use of the word ‘Wild’
Once a man of esteemed reputation
Quite addicted to wild masturbation
The real thing he would shirk
Instead content to jerk
And enjoy solo gratification
Nothing weird
I promise. You know I wouldn’t lie to you.
Once A brave young knight of Camelot
Yearned for pork chops and ham piping hot
Sadly times were austere
So each night with his beer
He had trotters and snout in his pot
Oh surely not
We’ve all seen them on those tv shows…
An incestuous chap, fan of twister
Darkest urge as he played with his sister
Remarked “oh my dear Wendy
You’re so supple and bendy”
Late that night on his palm quite the blister
Dirty boy
Him. Not me. Okay maybe a bit me but mostly him.
A commuter perverted young Justin
in packed carriages often found thrusting
against strangers unknown
he would shudder and moan
and head home quite aroused his loins busting
It’s a thing by the way…look. Okay that ones about something else but look up frotteurism!
Drivel before bed
Shockingly poor but hey ho, it’s something.
A fine gent who went off of the rails
whose dark deeds insignificant pail
when compared to his wife
cos she’s living the life
having threesomes with clowns in North Wales
Let’s ease back into things
Okay maybe not…
A young prudish chap found it perverted
when his bride screamed, eyes closed and then squirted
he thought she was possessed
when he witnessed the mess
as she thrashed about still quite night shirted
Something for the weekend ?
You know you want it.
Handsome jeweller quite fond of the girls
Lovely hair, rather thick full of curls
He would tempt and seduce
Be they proper or loose
Give them necklaces, often of pearls
Because it’s Friday
Why not eh…
A rugby fan Jennifer smalls
For big men in tight shorts climbed the walls
And she couldn’t resist
The intense violent hits
And the wonderfully misshapen balls
Mmm Bacon
Salty goodness
A young Muslim was really quite shaken
When he realised he rather loved bacon
He tried to be devout
But he rather loved snout
Judgement day he is sure to be shakin’
There’s nothing like a private education
All the top politicians love to shape young minds. They’re such good types.
Politician in Lords, landed Gentry
loved to instruct young boys by the plenty
every night as a rule
he’d head down to the school
and insist “open up, give me entry!”
What a filthy habit indeed
Deep breaths…
A young lad quite obsessed with silk pants
Who would steal then if given the chance
And give them a big sniff
Cos he loved the soiled whiff
Stole his mums, sister’s, gran’s and his aunt’s
Dirty old bugger
tut tut tut
Once a dirty old pervert from Scilly
Walked around showing people his willy
Some would avert their eyes
Others laughed at the size
Was so small and then more so when chilly
Monday. Hmmm
Who would have thought it eh…
Burly husband a real alpha male
It turned out as his marriage did fail
Had a thing for his mate
Took him out on a date
And then did quite his best him to nail
Another to round off the weekend
Nothign to see here. Move along.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
A dissatisfied bride wed a baker
Learned to moan, and in bed was a faker
As her chap could not please
She did not like to tease
So ran off with a bloke from Jamaica
Same old same old
Maybe he should try crowd funding.
I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?
A cross dresser from East Bucharest
Had an op, got a 40 inch chest
And some rather full lips
And he worked on his hips
saving up now to sort out the rest
Happy Sunday!
We all know the type.
Ugly fellow quite hairy and squat
Got this girlfriend, incredibly hot
Thought he made the girl itch
He was really quite rich
Seems that helped her like him quite a lot
Men!
True story
A lass angry and jilted from Reading
Burst in and interrupted a wedding
Said “Last night this here groom
Took me back to his room”
So the brides brothers kicked the chaps head in
One about a suicide bomber
Seems he wanted a bunch of virgins for himself. Daft twat.
Terrorist from Old Budapest
He went out in a suicide vest
Blew himself all to bits
killed some women and kids
Hope he burns with the paedos, no rest
Omg another…
Ill get bored of them eventually
There once was a fellow from Nato
Had a face shaped just like a potato
And two eyes just like peas
And a nose like a swede
And lips red just like a tomato
Limerick. Don’t act surprised.
Blah blah limericky blah
There once was a woman from Spain
Who delighted to dance in the rain
She went out in fake tan
But came in rather wan
As alas it all washed down the drain
