Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Quick recap for you…
I have written before about why I started my blog. For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife (now ex), an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work. I proceeded to take up writing and publish a book of limericks – which I dedicated to her – just to spite her.
Anyway, I have now pretty much finished a second one. This one is much less filthy, has no mention of boobs or prostitutes or weird penis’ and is actually a children’s story book. Still got some general fiddling and editing to do and need to get it all put on Amazon but hey-ho, there you go. I won’t be dedicating this one to here either. She’s had her turn.
Oh and if youre looking for an amazing artist look up Naya Kirichenko, who did the art, damn she’s good and such fun to work with.
More to follow on this!
My fist book can be found at the links below
Paperback in the UK is here https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
UK E-Book is here https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07QF58TYM
The US E-Book is here https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QF58TYM
4th of April last year I posted this. I actually forgot about it mostly. I sold quite a few copies and had some good reviews and am rather quite proud of it. I’m currently working on some other things right now…but below is the original post…It is wholly inappropriate by the way. In a good way!
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I have written before about why I started my blog. For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work. Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.
Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.
Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks. Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess. Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”
Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’
Oh and I dedicated it to her too. Seemed only right.
So for those of you who like a writing prompt or two here are some for August. Three fairly obvious themes I think. Make sure you add a pingback and I will attempt to pull them all together at the end of the month. Let’s see what you got.
A broad shouldered lady called Brenda Big old hands, hairy arms, legs quite slender Wispy beard and top lip Quite full breast, curvy hip Size 12 feet, hard to classify gender
I have written before about why I started my blog. For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work. Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.
Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.
Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks. Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess. Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”
Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’
Oh and I dedicated it to her too. Seemed only right.
A thing where I only write every second piece. Sorry it took so long to get back round to it.
A.P. (I am sure he has a name but for the purposes of this we shall go with A.P.) asked me if I fancied some sort of collaboration thing when he writes a piece then I follow.
I was asked to do this before and I wanted to and then I realised I have less time than I would like to really make an effort so I didn’t do it. Nothing has changed but this time I said yes and so A.P. goes and makes a quite eloquent and intriguing post and I figured I better get it done as it would be frightfully rude not to so I seem to have written the follow up piece below.
There weren’t really any rules other than he does a piece then I do.
The amber district is many things to many people, but not one those who call it home choose to do so. If it were a wife then it would be a stooped old crone with less sense than teeth, though possessing very little of both by most acceptable standards. Were it a friend then it would surely be the duplicitous wife stealer of a compadre with a taste for the warm wet crone mouth. Were it a husband then it would surely be the never home and whore addled…well you get the idea.
It was a most unpleasant place indeed and not somewhere that you would choose to spend your holiday or even a long weekend.
With no idea of where she ought to be Tes pulled the cowl of her cloak around her ears and with eyes downcast walked through the tall stone archway that lead to the main market. Unfamiliar smells assaulted her nostrils and made her eyes water and the buzz and bustle of the market filled her ears.
“Hey Darlin’” came a voice over the hubbub. “You after something special then?” Somehow she knew it was aimed at her and she couldn’t help but look over. “What can I get for you?”
He was dressed in the usual mix of rags and dirt of most of the people down here, his face worn and wrinkled. A broad smile met her as she looked up at him.
“No thank you “ she said nervously and turned away.
“Oh come on” he continued. “Whatever you need I can get for you. You after a young boy maybe?”
Tes shook her head.
“Girl?”
She turned slowly to face him again.
“I need neither thank you kindly and I would suggest that perhaps…”
“Oh blimey, I know you” he said raising a finger in her direction. “You really better be careful down here sweetheart there are those that might well not take kindly to you being here.”
Tes looked about worried, pulling her hood further over her face. He could see her nervousness and lowered his finger and spoke more quietly.
“You might want to come with me” he said his broad smile now gone from his face. “I think there’s someone you might want to see.”
24 posts in 24 hours. I know I know – I have no idea why either…
I do apologise terribly for filling your reader the last 24 hours. I simply decided to do 24 posts in 24 hours because Ive never done it before. Ive been struggling to write of late and feeling weary and just rather lethargic so I thought maybe a challenge might be good for me. I wanted to do more but I was quite busy so didnt get to do some of the stuff I planned but such is life. Well I think it was 24. I think maybe I missed one but the intention was there.
My thoughts on keeping up momentum with your blog.
You might wonder why the dickens I am posting so much today, and if so all will become clear eventually. For now though I will continue and post a little more about my experience of blogging this last year. I wrote a bit here, and another bit here already.
In the last year I have posted almost everyday. I did a count and in total I think I missed 30 days which isn’t bad. That is not to say I haven’t written a lot – I have written about 1100 pieces – it’s just that I actually just like to get them posted once I have written them instead of scheduling them in some organised schedule. I will schedule perhaps to the next day if I have a lot to post but I found that scheduling posts for say the next week took some of my focus away and made me a little complacent.
Now I don’t write for any reason other than to write and to hopefully leave something my kids will read one day and perhaps their children too. I don’t dream of publishing a novel or changing lives or anything so noble. I write because I love doing it and I should have been doing it for the last 30 years.
I realise this can be somewhat boom or bust at times and this week is a great example. I have been pretty busy at work and at home and low on energy as I get used to my new diet and this ungodly warm weather so I managed maybe a post or two a day at best. I made notes in my notebook and scribbled down ideas but that was the extent of my creativity. By the time Friday came around I felt this surge of creativity and energy and so decided that I would do a post an hour for the next 24 hours. Monday might be lean when it eventually comes around but for me writing is all about writing in the moment and following the urges I feel.
Now I should say that I would also advocate writing every day even if it is something small. Keep the brain going and maintain a degree of routine and you wont find yourself slipping too far behind. I have occasionally taken some time away and to be honest it was a bad idea. I found it really difficult to get back to my writing as other things took up the time I put aside and I am unlikely to do anything like that again.
If you can’t be arsed with all that here are a few bullet points for you on my experience that you might find useful:
Keep a notebook to hand you never know when inspiration will strike. Or text yourself. Or write it on your hand. I know Ive forgotten some great ideas.
Write something every day and you wont drift too far from your blog
When inspiration strikes follow the urge. If that means ten posts in a day then sod it – do it.
Make time to write and ask those around you to help you stick to the schedule because creativity matters
My thoughts on keeping up momentum with your blog.
I wrote here a couple of weeks ago about the one year anniversary and threatened to impart a few thoughts on my year of blogging, so here you go.
My thoughts on keeping up momentum.
A lot of people seem to start out with much gusto and quite quickly falter when they realise that you wont actually get many readers at all when you first press submit. Hitting the first year was important for me as I read that 90% of bloggers throw the towel in before they reach that point and I was determined to not be one of those. Apparently 80% of people who hit the first year don’t make it through the second so yes, the chances of success are slim, but then again what do you regard as success?
Whether you write for pleasure or for profit I think it goes without saying, though I am going to say it, that you have to have a degree of tenacity. You need to love what you are doing and if you do and work on your craft and engage with others then over time you will build up a following. Perhaps that is the best you can hope for? You can only control yourself and not others so as brilliant as you may be and as fabulous as your writing is you might just struggle at first. I think some of my first posts had four or five views at best – and even now when I have 650 or so followers I might still only get 40 or 50 views for a piece if I’m lucky – so you have to be patient and work for the reward.
For me I have always avoided the idea of a follow for a follow. I will check out most people who follow me in the hope that their work or they themselves are interesting – and if they are I follow – otherwise I move on. It is not at all personal – I just like my reader feed to be full of things that I can engage in. I know of bloggers who work damned hard at flitting around from blogger to blogger liking and commenting (often with the same comments) to try and get them to follow them in return. From what I can tell this does not necessarily create an engaged and interested following. You reap what you sow and I think that type of insincere approach gets the same in return. You can tell because the blogger will have a complete lack of engagement with their work despite a number of likes. Comments aren’t everything, and people can comment without reading, but when a piece has 40 likes and no comments at all on a subject that cannot go without comment that makes me wonder.
I might be wrong but I don’t think I am.
So where was I heading with this? Not absolutely certain but here’s a few bullet points on my thinking if you can’t be arsed to read all of the rest of my thoughts up there:
Write regulary. If I follow you I want to read your stuff. It will make you a better writer too.
Engage and be engaging – people can be more interesting than their work
Consider the length of your post. I’m surprised you got this far. People have a short attention span.
Don’t be afraid to repost earlier posts. They are probably fab and worth another look.
Take joy in what you do. It shows and it is infectious.
Don’t take it personally if no one likes your stuff. It might be shit, it might be that people don’t get you. Who cares – you’re creating stuff and that’s awesome
Share someone else’s work now and then. I should do it more and will. You should too.
When you think you can do it anymore or don’t want to then that is precisely when you sit your backside down and do something, There isn’t enough creativity in the world.
Just the one post today I think while I reflect on exactly one year of blogging! It’s all a bit of a blur to be honest and mostly I thought I would just say thanks to all of you kind souls out there who have taken time to read me, comment, and provide me with such wonderful encouragement. I had no idea that I would enjoy writing as much as I have and I think it is now something I will likely have to keep doing given the pleasure I get from it. I do want to start thanking people individually but I worry that I will forget somebody which I would not want to do. There are those who read and like and comment every day and whom I feel I now know so well and then there are those who like away merrily day after day and I do not know you at all but I remain grateful for you all taking the time to pop in. I have taken such enjoyment from so many of your blogs too, and if I ‘like’ it then I have read it. I wish I had time to read more really. I will write more about my year blogging later this week but for today this will be just about it I reckon, I have quite a lot on. Thanks always Michael x
A.P. (I am sure he has a name but for the purposes of this we shall go with A.P.) asked me if I fancied some sort of collaboration thing when he writes a piece then I follow.
I was asked to do this before and I wanted to and then I realised I have less time than I would like to really make an effort so I didn’t do it. Nothing has changed but this time I said yes and so A.P. goes and makes a quite eloquent and intriguing post and I figured I better get it done as it would be frightfully rude not to so I seem to have written the follow up piece below.
There weren’t really any rules other than he does a piece then I do.
Oh well this is what I managed today between going to the tip, taking the boys to rugby, making dinner and then watching a film…
The King sat and waited with a patience that he seldom enjoyed. Things in the palace were often so frightfully dull and for once there was cause for some excitement.
“Is it done” he asked as Bentwhistle laboured back through the room, the guards following closely behind. It wasn’t every day your sworn enemy met his doom so it was something to be savoured.
“Yes my Lord, he is banished.” Bentwhistle replied bowing ever so slightly and wringing his hands. “He will trouble you no more your majesty.” As much as he was a fool he was also still the King, and if he was to maintain any sway over the kingdom he needed to ensure that he kept his ear and protected his position.
The King’s face brightened measurably. “Oh that is good” he said clapping his hands like a young child. “So very good indeed, he really was quite the trouble maker you know. He did have me worried Bentwhistle, most troubled for sure.”
“He shall trouble you no more my liege, from this day forth he will know only the pain of an existence beyond this plain and for eternity the separation that a traitor deserves.” Bentwhistle smiled as he said this showing off blackened teeth in his dark red mouth. “
“And there’s no way back you say?” The King asked, still somewhat wary of anything that would challenge his throne. “Mother would not be happy if he was to return, you know how she is.”
“He is gone my Lord, there is no return from the Beyond.”
“Oh how excellent, Mother will be most pleased.” He said excitedly, his overly large head wobbling on a neck that seemed to struggle to keep the body and the head connected in anything other than a haphazard fashion.
The King reached for his cup. “A toast” he shouted loudly raising his cup into the air, wine sloshing from it onto the bounty of food laid out before him. The gathered court sat at long tables before him raised their glasses as they stood to their feet.
“To me” the King cried with great excitement and it echoed back.
“To King Luther” the court cried with little excitement over the banishment but considerably more gusto given the wine was now likely to flow all night. They raised their cups to the king and drank deep.
As the gathered dignitaries and officials tucked into the feast before them Bentwhistle backed slowly away from the king and slipped away through a side door behind the dais upon which the throne sat. There were things to be arranged and with everyone otherwise engaged this was the perfect opportunity.
Afterwards 