Life lessons, free. No need to thank me.
Once a chap who was wooing a lass
Treat her fine, with respect and such class
But he failed in his quest
She liked perverts the best
Who would crave her big boobs and fine ass
Real heartfelt stuff…
Oh sweet love, you consume me, devine
I am yours and I know you are mine
Im obsessed, that’s for sure
With your love,sweet and pure
And the fact that you love 69
I should know better. I do.meh…
He thinks he’s funny
But he gambled on a fart
Faecal stained trousers
For what she was about to receive…such great bounty indeed!
Pyromaniac nympho called Linda
Took a lad home that she met on Tinder
Took some candles to bed
How he screamed as he fled
Burnt the poor fellows cock to a cinder
Meat based frolics
Once a perverted butcher called Pete
Did despicable things with his meat
It would so make you quiver
As he frolicked in liver
Rubbed his sausage with rancid pigs feet
Feel free to use it if you know someone in need!
You poor thing, heard you’re feeling unwell
That it’s itching and starting to swell
Hope you feel well real soon
And it doesn’t balloon
And explode with a pungent vile smell
Teddy returns briefly to get him out of my drafts. I forgot about him.
Part 1 Part2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8
It’s been a while, I realise. Because of reasons, obviously. And those reasons mostly revolve around the whole lot of them not having left the house for the last fucking year and a half nearly. I mean, Christ-on-a-bike, I couldn’t get one bloody minute free to myself to let you know how I was doing..
You’ve all been well I hope?
Who am I kidding, to be honest I don’t really care. I am currently so wrapped up in my own self pity that giving a monkey’s rancid fart about anyone or anything else seems beyond me.
Please don’t judge me too harshly though, a bear can only take so much you know. I know we have all been through a lot, and for many it has been a heart-breaking time filled fear, uncertainty and the horrors of a pandemic but fuck me, the obsession with zoom quizzes, bread baking and artisan cheeses is just not acceptable. And don’t get me started on the home schooling…seriously, I find it hard to believe that the lot of them get through the day without falling into heavy machinery or accidentally drinking bleach.
Oh and get this, you’ll love this, they started having family game nights. Excuse my big sweaty bear balls but that was hardly going to work out was it. They can hardly stand each other at the best of times. Throw in monopoly and a bottle of riocha and she ended up locked in the downstairs bathroom insisting her mother was right about him and the kids were crying because daddy used naughty words about granny.
For what it’s worth though, he is right about her mother. But Jesus, in what world do you actually admit that she has a face like a melted candle and always smells like she’s just enjoyed a hearty lunch of pickled herring. Honesty never got anyone anywhere…
It’s all just a bit much and I really need them to fuck off back to work/school/wherever she used to go without her nickers on after he goes to the gym.
Enough already.
Did I mention the artisan cheeses? Oh don’t get me started on that.
Not one of my better ones but it’ll do. Not like there are loads of bestiality limericks out there to compare it to…
A compassionate vet from Uganda
Stroked a cat whilst sat on his veranda
Took his love just too far
Touched a dog in his car
Now gives hand jobs to monkeys and panda
One about a chap with a super hairy butthole. Because why the hell not.
A botanist, Daniel Mclarey
Had an anus, hirsute, super hairy
He would oft get it plucked
If he was to get fucked
But if not, overgrown, ’twas quite scary
For what she was about to receive…such great bounty indeed!
A Christian couple, just wed
Found themselves all alone on the bed
She went down on her knees
And he grinned “Oh yes please”
She said grace for such bounty, gave head
To those who followed me because I wrote about dieting. This is probably closer to the real me. Sorry 🙂
Sex mad divorcee, now, online dating
Swipes and clicks left her moist, salivating
A transvestite off Grinder
Sweating, grunting, behind her
Tinder twins in each hand, masturbating
One about how to work out your manhood volume.
A perverse math’matician of note
to work out his cock volume, he wrote
“Times the length by the girth”
He reported with mirth
And then published with pics and did gloat.
Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Happy Thursday !
In case you know someone who broke their dick and got them a card but were unsure what to write
Heard you slipped on some lube near the hearth
And your penis, my god, broke in half
Bent at 90 degrees
it’s quite tricky to please
Here’s a card, I tried hard not to laugh
ouchy
Hope you feel so much better today
And the swelling and pain’s gone away
And the tear in the tip
That was caused by your zip
Will be healed up real soon, hip hooray!
Defiling Japanese poetry one picture at a time.
Bleak isolation
Flowery lady garden
Ever worlds apart
Defiling Japanese poetry one drawing at a time.
To pass unhindered
Where once we trod so freely
Now inhibited
Enjoy. Or don’t. But secretly do.
A vet from round our way quite smitten
By felines, especially kittens
He made two into hats
And a load into spats
Then the leftovers made into mittens
Defiling Japanese poetry one drawing at a time
Unbridled passion
Anticipation, cut short
Blissful moment lost
And with a religious theme
A fan of the clan, angry man
Had a son, tiny hands, orange tan
Lost a landslide election
Inspired insurrection
Lost his shit, got himself twitter ban
Defiling Japanese poetry one drawing at a time
Merry Christmas, or happy whatever you celebrate …have a lovely day!
A purveyor of filth, Nicky Klaus
A whoremonger, purveyor of whores
With his huge bulging sack
And his craving for crack
And a leather clad spank on all fours
Just because why not
A God fearing couple were waiting
Until marriage before consummating
He prayed “Give me strength please”!
And he fell to his knees
His unused testicles fast inflating
One about boobs
A large breasted hooker, Celeste
Did declare that her breasts were the best
Local chaps were invited
And the prospect excited
To put her proud claims to the test
Why the devil not eh.
Devout young chap met each Thursday
Buxom wench who would service the clergy
She would take off her nickers
For Priests, Imams and Vicars
And enable arousing liturgy
No need to thank me.
High class hooker, quite skilled called Bianca
Lawyers, doctors, occasional banker
She would tempt and then tease them
with her bounties she’d please ’em
Gave her Pearl necklaces just to thank her
Afterwards 