Its like going to church, just with a dildo. Well, depends on your church really…
Adult toy shop worker, Brenda
Had no chap, but a quite good pretender
Loved to take her work home
lube and clamps, when alone
And a dildo, a black double ender
Been forever since I did some of these. Found a new list to work to so let’s see where this leads…
Tied self to bed frame
Cuts off the circulation
passed out, lost a hand
Bondage – to bind. It’s right there in the word,
Not one of my better ones but it’ll do. Not like there are loads of bestiality limericks out there to compare it to…
A compassionate vet from Uganda
Stroked a cat whilst sat on his veranda
Took his love just too far
Touched a dog in his car
Now gives hand jobs to monkeys and panda
Been forever since I did some of these. Found a new list to work to so let’s see where this leads…
In Fingerless gloves
Through absence of feet aroused
Smooth, sensual stumps
Acrotomophilia – Arousal to amputees
To be honest I have heard of this one. Apparently some people (and by that I mean men. Pretty much it’s always men right….) Anyway, there’s some good money to be made from rubs from stubs. That what my research leads me to believe.
I need to burn my computer now because I should have known better than to google ‘weird kinks’) whilst not in incognito mode… Okay so I clicked a few links. I’m just naturally curious!
One about how to work out your manhood volume.
A perverse math’matician of note
to work out his cock volume, he wrote
“Times the length by the girth”
He reported with mirth
And then published with pics and did gloat.
Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Happy Thursday !
ouchy
Hope you feel so much better today
And the swelling and pain’s gone away
And the tear in the tip
That was caused by your zip
Will be healed up real soon, hip hooray!
No need to thank me.
High class hooker, quite skilled called Bianca
Lawyers, doctors, occasional banker
She would tempt and then tease them
with her bounties she’d please ’em
Gave her Pearl necklaces just to thank her
Taste the rainbow…
Oh you poor thing, I hope you’re well soon
Heard it’s swollen up like a balloon
That there’s swelling and weeping
And dripping and seeping
Then a discharge that stinks out the room
Ooh Brian you dirty, dirty little imp…
A virginal fellow called Brian
To get laid, he was tryin’ and tryin’
Efforts all came to nought
Then “eureka!”, a thought
Now each week, big boobed hooker’s he’s buyin’
Testicle centric
Prospective lover to his lady June
“One ball’s shrivelled just like a prune”
Nervously he confided
“And I’m somewhat lopsided
Other’s swollen just like a balloon.”
Maybe someone out there needs to hear this. Maybe it’s you. Maybe youre a dirty little monkey indeed!
Hope this finds you somewhat on the mend
Hear it’s swollen quite close to the end
Feels like it may fall off
If you move fast or cough
And you near shit your pants when you bend
I like to think that one day it will come out that this is what’s on those secret Trump Tapes…
Trumpesque water sports fan, name of Trystin
Pretty mouth that he loved to have pissed in
Craved his balls to be squeezed
Nipples bit, clamped and teased
And on Tuesday’s a large handed fisting
One about a ladies cavernous front bum
A voluptuous temptress from Cuba
A vagina shaped quite like a tuba
And she would not delay
To allow you to play
Her, so wide was she, no need to lube her
Just work on the speed of that last line…it works I assure you .
Just a little something for you.
An amorous lad, Jeff from Devon
Met a girl and he promised her heaven
Fraught with amorous sighs
Reached aroused twixt her things
Turns out not quite a Kate, but a Kevin
Go on, treat yourself.
Married chap with a thing for his gardener
Found his long garden hose quite the hardener
He would gaze at it’s girth
As it watered the earth
Made him wander and betray his partner
February had 29 days, March 200 and April has 625. I have no idea what day or month it is to be honest…
This poor lad I know, self isolated
Spent his days watching porn, masturbated
Till his bits were quite raw
And his arms were real sore
And his balls were all red and inflated
…About Gender reassignment
A broad shouldered young fellow called Fred
“Bod’s a male, I’m female in my head”
He quite firmly asserted
Has his penis inverted
Keeps his balls in a jar near his bed
A broad shouldered lady called Brenda
Big old hands, hairy arms, legs quite slender
Wispy beard and top lip
Quite full breast, curvy hip
Size 12 feet, hard to classify gender
The yin to my poetic yang…
Friend of mine met a lass from Bermuda
He pursued, flowers, food, woo’d and screwed her
But within ’bout a week
Realised, quite the freak,
As she cried, strap-on lubed, “Let’s get ruder!”
Don’t go acting all surprised.
A good friend of mine took her new lover
Off to bed only there to discover
He was epileptic, and thrashed
During sex, how she splashed
Up the walls, on the floor and bed cover.
Damn you to hell
History dictates
No one can ever enjoy
A small black moustache
Better than being punched in the man boobs I suppose…
She with wonky boobs
and he with his wonky eyes,
true beauty beholds.
Oh Im just keep on giving don’t I
Love wains, they try to
keeps it fresh in the bedroom
risky and risque
Because Im just the giving type
As time marches on
lifes toll shows in tired eyes
bodies grow weary
They’re mostly harmless
In suburbia
secrets abound and fester
until mardi gras
