I like to think that one day it will come out that this is what’s on those secret Trump Tapes…
Trumpesque water sports fan, name of Trystin
Pretty mouth that he loved to have pissed in
Craved his balls to be squeezed
Nipples bit, clamped and teased
And on Tuesday’s a large handed fisting
Crass, obvious, insensitive, and vile. Him or the haiku. You decide…
Wedding cake, poison
nagging secrets of the past
Buried ‘neath patio
Crass, obvious, insensitive, and vile. Him or the haiku. You decide…
The coward dances
on the heroes grave and then
fondles the widow
Incy wincy oh my bloody hell!
Oh I hear that your feeling unwell
You got bit and it started to swell
Lets hope it’s not a spider
That then laid eggs inside ya
Cos they’ll burst out, that’s scary as hell
Ooh what a lovely baguette you have sir
There once was a baker called Brad
Who was fancied by his girlfriend’s dad
The thought of his baguette
Brought him out in a sweat
And his cheese topped bread rolls drove him mad
Inappropriate and just a bit…meh
There once was a chap who loved cake
so much so that for sponges he’d ache
for panache he would pine
for gateau most sublime
fell in love with a lass who could bake
It’s saturday…not my best day for limericks.
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I don’t have a dog called Caper – Daily prompt
Image courtesy of me
Once a prudish young woman named Jude
Had a belly that seemed to protrude
It turned out to be gas
Cos she not let her ass
pass wind as he found it quite rude
I once worked with a woman called Cath
Didn’t shower and seldom did bath
god the stench from her pits
Tits and rank naughty bit
It’s not funny you so shouldn’t laugh
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Limericks? In the middle of the day? Surely not…
There once was a teacher named Tash
Who one day she did sprout a moustache
Cross her lip it did wend
And curl up at the end
Joined the circus and made loads of cash
There once was a farmer maned Bert
Loved his milk cows so much that it hurt
Went too far, made me shudder
What he did with that udder
Let’s just say that it caused quite the squirt…
There once was dancer called Shirley
Who’s pubes were quite thick and most curly
It was full and so plush
A most seventies bush
Who’d have thought for a creature most girly
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Bet you a tenner some people are on their knees right now saying this exact stuff!
Dear Jesus
Thank you for Our Potus Donald, and I pray you bless him as he does your divine will as he leads our great country. We pray you will strike down those that the devil brings against him as you struck down the Amalekites and killed all their women and children.
We ask that you will spare him from the temptation of porn stars and spankings because he is your vehicle and chosen by you and we believe in our hearts that you sent him to save our great nation from people using the wrong toilets and the sick and the poor who have no faith in your word and do not give 10% to the church.
We pray that you will allow the scales to drop from the eyes of the wicked press that distort your precious truths coming from your servant’s mouth and heavenly father we ask in the name of your son that you will stop babies being born in the ninth month because we know this is not your will.
We ask in the name of your son that you bless those republican leaders who are fighting in your name to remove from our land those that do not deserve to be part of the bounty you have blessed us with and we ask that you grant them travel mercies and they return safely to countries they left 20 years ago because they have probably been missed quite a lot.
We ask this in the precious name of your son Jesus Amen
One for Mr Walt as I know he rather enjoys these.
Old Donald once had this mate Steve
Who he says we should now not believe
Evidence, bit by bit
Says that Don’s in the shit
From his tweeting please grant us reprieve
Seems the Donald now thinks you have him to thank for Aviation’s safest year on record.
I wrote yesterday that “I will only post about Donald when he does something stupid, ridiculous or lies. Seems fair right…”
I may have to go part time at work to make time for all the writing that needs to be done. I rather enjoyed this tweet of his because it seems that the more insane his tweet the more harassed and under pressure he is and if this is anything to go by he is most certainly suffering, which is a nice thought.
Im hoping it’s given him a bit of an upset stomach and he keeps having to race off to the loo. Not like anyone takes him serious but he is even less believable when he has to keep asking…”Can I just take a moment, I really need a shit.” To which an aide will answer “but you just had a shit sir, is everything alright” to which he then answers “I make shits young man, the biggest shits. The best shits. Presidential shits.”
He is just about to go into how Hilary never stood a chance with the small shits she probably did and about to insist that hers were “barely a shart”and that the rumour of her once producing a steaming log after a particularly meat-heavy Thanks Giving are just fake poos when he realises it’s too late, turtle head has struck and he has kind of shit his pants.
again.
We can but dream people!
Seems the Donald now thinks you have him to thank for Aviation’s safest year on record.
I will only post about Donald when he does something stupid, ridiculous or lies. Seems fair right. This was not on my writing schedule at all but when I saw his tweet taking credit for the lack of aviation deaths in 2017…
Fear of flying? No worries, no sweat
seventeen was the safest year yet
no plane fell from the sky
thanks to Donald that’s why
surely the greatest Pres’ yet
Hmm. Not sure about sarcastic. Think I am better at just being frightfully rude.
Seems the Donald think he is to blame
that no planes crashed or engulfed in flame
The blokes clearly not well
eat a dick, go to hell
you’re a fool and quite clearly insane.
oh how great thou art in thine own eyes
You know by now how this goes right…
A fellow quite fond of gold showers
lay spread eagled and pissed on for hours
cos he loves human waste
smell, feel colour and taste
says he thinks it give him super powers
Heavens that just flowed out of me like a hookers hot liquid leavings…
Watch him pander, right wing evangelics
and the baby boom males, cold war relics
Nazi’s, those at the top
KKK and the GOP
He’s way worse than a mad ISIS cleric
But small hands will do that to a man
who grabs pussy whenever he can
and is mates with Roy Moore
whole likes kids by the score
and sends muslims away by the score
This is a new level of madness…
I awoke this morning to read that Donald has tweeted that given that it is going to be cold on the east coast of America on New Years eve that is proof against the arguments of global warming.
Are you fucking kidding me. Because he had Dinner last night does that mean there is no starvation out there across the planet. What about Science? Evidence? This fool does not even know the difference between climate and weather.
I read once that a people get the government they deserve and I have to ask myself what the hell did you Americans do to deserve this?
You know, I don’t think I can even do a limerick on this right now. Who’d have thought eh.
Fuck you Donald Trump and fuck anyone who supports you. You’re all idiots.
I think this would be fun read aloud all dramatic.
Oh Donald
Piss soaked and rancid monster
Eating the babies of the poor for breakfast
Fried, boiled or poached
Race doesn’t matter when it dribbles from your gaping rectum
You sit atop your mountain of ill gotten gains
Face contorted, scant comfort
Self proclaimed saviour of Christmas
Move over Jesus
the GOP have a new messiah
Cold shrivelled heart beats slowly
Small fingers reaching, searching
Stabbing at late night screens
Drifting into sleep
Dreaming of teens
Bring him your poor huddled masses
Tossed onto his raging fire
Warming himself
Cries music to his ears
Heartless Evangelicals applaud
A slow descent into madness calls
Paranoid, mind full of echoes
Until an end
Cold, feeding the worms
As feet dance merrily above
Crass childish sweary nonsense that barely rhymes properly
A POTUS loved by evangelic
praise Jesus hes orange, mesmeric
But to me hes a dick
a piss drenched racist prick
no better than an ISIS cleric
Now he reckons it’s Christmas he’s saved
so you better hope you have behaved
In the name of J Christ
he’s now after your wife
He requests her pussy waxed or shaved
Okay so theyre a bit clumsy but I kinda like them anyway 🙂
A quick Tuesday shenannigan
I know I’ve written about this stuff before but it remains fun to challenge myself to search for the perfect limerickian expression to encapsulate certain subjects. I’ll miss them when it is all over I am sure.
I believe he likes watching parades
and with family plays cards and charades
now this might seem quite mean
and to some most obscene
but I hope he gets cancer or aids
You’d think I would be bored of these by now. Nope 🙂
The man who would make your wife wet
Is now stealing your free internet
then he’ll fire FBI
and hide every lie
and be crowned the greatest POTUS yet
Just a few thoughts on everyone’s favourite tangerine molester.
A fellow called Donald, well travelled
Took to twitter as shit it unravelled
Makes no sense, spewing rage
His brains gone, it’s his age
Leaves us wondering, sad and quite baffled
Shall we have another?
There once was a Potus, Don T
Who its rumoured has showered in pee
Let it run down his back
Twixt his legs, through his crack
Hence the tone of his skin don’t you see?
Happy Monday!
I feel like I should be throwing rocks at something but all I muster is a bloody limerick
Wicked Donald presides from his perch
Leaves his country alas in the lurch
Muslims, gays, blacks will feel
Twitter wrath, don’t you kneel
But its fine if you gun down a church
Should you like young kids like his pal Ron
Fill your boots cos he says that’s not wrong
and hell grab your wife’s V
cos he likes it you see
and he’ll have Ivanka’s before long
Then his wall he will build and what’s more
Taking health care away from the poor
The right wing he’ll embrace
And he sees no disgrace
giving tax breaks to friends all the more
So fake news will not slow his progress
As America sinks but I guess
the whole world cannot cry
cos we idly stand by
But that’s life, well done us, what a mess
Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.
This occurred to me earlier and made me chuckle.
Theres your POTUS, loves grabbing vagina
now insists Roys a good man, none finer
seems he’s rather quite keen
of young girls of fourteen
doesn’t matter to him, loves a minor
Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.
Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …
Trump the crazy on tour out in China
Salivates, like he would at a diner
Watch out for him trust me,
He will grab yours you’ll see
then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!
A loony chap, Donald the POTUS
Went to Asia, the land of the lotus
Picked a fight with young Kim
With maniacal grin
Big appeal to the racist white voters
Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need
Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?
Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers
All he offers. Who cares?
Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!
You’d think Donald would give you an endless source of things to write about right?
If you’ve read me for more than a day or two you know I like to write limericks about Donald trump. Yes I know he’s an easy target, but he provides such wonderful content that I cannot but want to.
Sadly though, it is getting harder and harder to do so. Before I have had chance to write about something the orange baby has done he goes and does something else even more ludicrous.
He recently managed to be quite awful to a war widow expressing that her husband had ‘Known what he was signing up for’ when he joined the military. Bad enough, but then he goes onto one of his stubby fingered twitter assaults to dispute the claims. “Okay” I am thinking, “I can perhaps wax lyrical about this!”. I then realised it was more than likely going to emerge that, by the time I pressed ‘publish’, he would already be on the twitter defending the alleged fake news that he had then thrust his diminutive hand between her legs, licked her mouth with that little pink tongue of his and exclaimed “and now I know what I’m getting into!”
The world’s gone mad I tell you !
Zoom zoom zoom
I don’t really have time to write this weekend as I am coordinating a rugby festival for 800 children but a few limericks occurred to me today so Ill just get these out of my head as I need to make some room for other things.
There once was a Farmer of note
had a thing, quite obscene, with a goat
Neighbours frowned, disapproved
as they did acts quite lewd
“We’re quite happy” he said, quote, unquote
Wrong I know but stuff happens. I lived on a farm and there was this cow with no ears and one day one of the lads who milked them was found…Actually no I’ll stop there.
A chap I know finds Santa scary
with his beard so big white and hairy
and his bulging great sack
and his lock picking knack
Christmas eve, keeps the lights on quite wary
anyway moving along swiftly. Let’s end with a Donald one. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know how much I like to write about him.
There’s this POTUS who loves groping mums
wives and sisters and aunties and nuns
You’ll be next, not discreet
he will send off a tweet
share his conquest of you with his chums
Goodnight 🙂
Edgar – A FFfAW word challenge
Courtesy of Free-Napster@pixabay
I am not best pleased.
It’s me, the Universe. Call me what you will, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, The Great Nothing, Merlin, Aslan…I do not mind particularly. My closest friends call me Darren.
Not been here for a while, so just popped in to check up on you and I will admit, you never cease to disappoint me. You really cannot be nice to each other for five minutes can you. I turn my back to enjoy a rather lovely supernova sun and when I come back you’re at one another like you always are.
I was going to list the wars you’re waging against each other but you know what, I really cannot be bothered. Please, slaughter away – the sooner you’re all dead the better. I plan to bring the dinosaurs back – they were far cooler than you lot. Oh, I may keep the Japanese – they’re cool too and I think a world populated by dinosaurs and the Japanese would be freaking awesome.
I was going to suggest that it’s about time the Americans took a good hard look at themselves and stopped shooting each other for no good reason but, well, for one they won’t listen because they seem rather fond of such beastly things and secondly, the NRA have sorted me out with a sweet holiday home so I should probably hold my tongue.
Oh, and do not go blaming me for those storms you’re having. Act of god my big fat celestial bottom. If you insist on ejaculating inside one another willy nilly and living wherever you choose with no consideration for common sense and then building homes on coastal swamps and places known as ‘Tornado Alley’ what do you bloody well expect. I didn’t send the storms and I didn’t give your kids cancer either (despite what a lot of the christians reckon) . Bad things just happen okay. It’s part of the circle of Life. You should listen to Elton John more.
I noticed what you’ve done to the polar ice caps too. Great job you dicks. I always liked them, lovely and tranquil they are. Do you not realise what a lovely planet you live on? Perhaps not – given the quite awful manner in which you treat it. I noticed a turtle with a plastic straw lodged in its nose. It’s not funny, stop laughing. You’ve dumped so much plastic in the seas that it will certainly outlast you lot. Good bloody riddance I reckon.
Oh, and special mention to the Americans. Bravo on Donald. As if being disliked by the majority of the planet wasn’t enough you choose that to be in charge. It has actually made my list of top 3 of monumental humanity cock ups. It is easily on par with the fact that the Greeks can’t seem to install decent plumbing – despite their creative genius, and the small matter of JarJar Binks. George..Serious?
I’m going now, I hope you finish each other off some time soon because I can’t wait to see a Ninja riding a stegosaurus, it is going to be frigging fantastic.
100 word Wednesday – The Chase
Photo courtesy of Werner22brigitte @ Pixabay
