Its like going to church, just with a dildo. Well, depends on your church really…
Adult toy shop worker, Brenda
Had no chap, but a quite good pretender
Loved to take her work home
lube and clamps, when alone
And a dildo, a black double ender
Bloody hell, that’s a bit grim, I will admit…
A young undertaker names Beth
Had a quite frightful case of bad breath
For she loved giving head
To the stiffening dead
How she loved the dank taste of sweet death
It’s just one. It will be fine. No one will know trust me…
A flatulent baker called Martin
Won all contests he’d entered his tarts in
His baked wares were the best
And he proudly confessed
“‘Cos as well as sweet treats, they have fart in!”
Not one of my better ones but it’ll do. Not like there are loads of bestiality limericks out there to compare it to…
A compassionate vet from Uganda
Stroked a cat whilst sat on his veranda
Took his love just too far
Touched a dog in his car
Now gives hand jobs to monkeys and panda
No wonder he looked so familiar
Once a girl found a boy like no other
Loved him so, wanted to be a mother
Kid was born with three legs
Fifty teeth like clothes pegs
Seems alas he was her long lost brother
A dirty one about putting people in one’s mouth.
Astute mathematician, Horatio
Pythagarus Fan, loved fellatio
He could tell at first sight
If it’d fit or be tight
Could guess length, girth, and shaft to mouth ratio
One about how to work out your manhood volume.
A perverse math’matician of note
to work out his cock volume, he wrote
“Times the length by the girth”
He reported with mirth
And then published with pics and did gloat.
Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Happy Thursday !
ouchy
Hope you feel so much better today
And the swelling and pain’s gone away
And the tear in the tip
That was caused by your zip
Will be healed up real soon, hip hooray!
What a year indeed…
A philandering chap with a mistress
Took another, then two more at Christmas
Dirty threesome in May
Then for June he turned gay
He got aids, gonorrhoea and syphilis
Because it’s Sunday
A Christian chap from Seahouses
Who’s girlfriend with fine ass arouses
For his Lord he resists
Peach bum, perky tits
And exploded all over his trousers
One about everyone’s favourite racist
A piss coloured POTUS of note
Lost his job, is protesting the vote
With the loss of his powers
It’s back to golden showers
With hookers, be kind though, don’t gloat
No need to thank me.
High class hooker, quite skilled called Bianca
Lawyers, doctors, occasional banker
She would tempt and then tease them
with her bounties she’d please ’em
Gave her Pearl necklaces just to thank her
Something a little…’bawdy’ I think is the word.
A wench with a bosom a plenty
Bedroom skills quite a hit with the gentry
For a couple of shilling
She’s both ready and willing
Come around her back alley for entry
Taste the rainbow…
Oh you poor thing, I hope you’re well soon
Heard it’s swollen up like a balloon
That there’s swelling and weeping
And dripping and seeping
Then a discharge that stinks out the room
Ooh Brian you dirty, dirty little imp…
A virginal fellow called Brian
To get laid, he was tryin’ and tryin’
Efforts all came to nought
Then “eureka!”, a thought
Now each week, big boobed hooker’s he’s buyin’
Testicle centric
Prospective lover to his lady June
“One ball’s shrivelled just like a prune”
Nervously he confided
“And I’m somewhat lopsided
Other’s swollen just like a balloon.”
Maybe someone out there needs to hear this. Maybe it’s you. Maybe youre a dirty little monkey indeed!
Hope this finds you somewhat on the mend
Hear it’s swollen quite close to the end
Feels like it may fall off
If you move fast or cough
And you near shit your pants when you bend
Its something I guess. It is Tuesday, so don’t expect too much. Not a fan of Tuesday…
Small organed chap from Jamaica
Had a wife, twas an orgasmic faker
Alas try as he might
He could not get it right
Nipples, neck, clit and tit, could not make her
I like to think that one day it will come out that this is what’s on those secret Trump Tapes…
Trumpesque water sports fan, name of Trystin
Pretty mouth that he loved to have pissed in
Craved his balls to be squeezed
Nipples bit, clamped and teased
And on Tuesday’s a large handed fisting
One about a ladies cavernous front bum
A voluptuous temptress from Cuba
A vagina shaped quite like a tuba
And she would not delay
To allow you to play
Her, so wide was she, no need to lube her
Just work on the speed of that last line…it works I assure you .
Just a little something for you.
An amorous lad, Jeff from Devon
Met a girl and he promised her heaven
Fraught with amorous sighs
Reached aroused twixt her things
Turns out not quite a Kate, but a Kevin
Go on, treat yourself.
Married chap with a thing for his gardener
Found his long garden hose quite the hardener
He would gaze at it’s girth
As it watered the earth
Made him wander and betray his partner
February had 29 days, March 200 and April has 625. I have no idea what day or month it is to be honest…
This poor lad I know, self isolated
Spent his days watching porn, masturbated
Till his bits were quite raw
And his arms were real sore
And his balls were all red and inflated
Bet you’d forgotten about these two…I had…
The last year I have not been particularly active on my blog, but there was a time when I was prolific. Having more time on my hands has me returning a little more often and dusting off the ideas I had parked. Today I think I will revisit one of my favourite series of pieces and bring it up to date. You can see all the previous pieces at the links below. I think. It’s mostly just dirty poetry about a curvaceous couple having sex in space as I recall. I think I even did an audio poem version.
https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/31/fatties-in-space-not-one-for-the-kiddies/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/09/23/fatties-in-space-the-poem-not-for-kiddies/
https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/15/fatties-in-space-the-poem-audio/
https://afterwards.blog/2017/10/14/fatties-in-space-part-3-definitely-still-not-for-kiddies/
https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/28/fatties-in-space-part-4-the-poem-audio/
https://afterwards.blog/2019/01/14/fatties-in-space-part-5/
Bloody hell I did a lot of that didn’t I…
Anyway let us return to the present…
____________________________________
So some time has elasped and our couple content
watch tv, go for walks, quiet evenings are spent
with warm slippers, and tea and a nice box of chocs
Now she eats praline creams where she once ate his cock
And sweet caramel swirls feed his most basic cravings
Seems an eon since balls deep they were misbehaving
But we’ve all been there, right?
Grown complacent and settled
Since the humming bird sampled from soft pink sweet petals
Work gets in the way, rowdy kids take their toll
Rather just read a book where you once rode the pole
If efforts arent made then lusts embers can fade
Now you’re getting quite fat instead of getting laid
But seems things are afoot, it’s a changed situation
For our couple are now in enforced isolation
Social distancing worries have them safe at home
And for weeks now they’ve been pretty much all alone
And without the distraction and stresses and strains
And with time on their hands seems they start to refrain
From excuses and reasons not to both enjoy
The pleasures of flesh and fun toys to employ
Like the bike not forgotten theyre back on the horse
Shes not wuite as flexible, he’s breathless of course
But the thril of the bliss and the gratification
Oh the sweet benefits of this home isolation…
…About Gender reassignment
A broad shouldered young fellow called Fred
“Bod’s a male, I’m female in my head”
He quite firmly asserted
Has his penis inverted
Keeps his balls in a jar near his bed
