Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

There once was a waiter named skip

tried so hard, customers did not tip

paid the bill, left and sneered

got run over, car veered

ran them down, both now dead, what a trip!

 

Remember, always tip!

 

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

As it is Saturday I will, rather than do full limericks as I have been doing all week, just give you a taste of the opening lines I did not use this week.  I don’t think they need explaining…

 

So your penis got caught in your zip.  (I’d lined up rip, snip, bleed and seed to go with it)

What this gun?  Oh don’t worry it’s fine

Heard you got back from hols and have aids

Saw your wife wow her butt has got huge

 

Anyway…have a nice Saturday wherever in the world you are!

 

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

Heard your wife ran away with your brother

and your father changed sex, extra mother

and your sister got nicked

down the docks sucking dicks

you caught an STD from a lover

 

Such bad luck you poor thing I feel sad

oh no wait, I dont feel slightly bad

cos you bullied at school

were an absolute tool

hope it’s syphilis and it drives you mad

 

 

 

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

Such a shame that you’ve lost all your cash

on the markets, who knew that they’d crash

I cant lend you some, no

and this just goes to show

just be careful with that kind of stash

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

Heard your kids been excluded, the fool

broke the pesky no strong liquor rule

when young yours were devine

so much better than mine

as you said every time outside school

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

There once was a lovely young lad

found his missus in bed with her dad

said he “Babe it’s quite gross”

she replied “were just close”

that they never had kids he’s quite glad

 

 

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

Heard you’re no longer with John my ex

it tuns out he just used you for sex

you poor thing you must hurt

you’re just boobs in a skirt

loves young dream all now totally wrecked

 

 

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Teleporting Topless – Room 101

Clarke reached for the key on the panel, an array of lights blinking.

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.  These tend to be snippets of things that could be or might be one day.  Or never see the light of day again.


Clarke reached for the key on the panel, an array of lights blinking.

“First full human trials commencing in 5…” He said looking up at a camera in the corner of the room.  Reaching zero he turned the key.

A bright flash lit up the room, static electricity fizzing and popping as the form of a person began to take shape on the receiver.  The air crackled as first feet and then legs took form.  Clarke waited heart racing.  The fizz popped and stopped.

His comms unit barked into life. “Boss, we have a problem.”

Clarke stared at the platform.   “Oh shit”

 


 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Butter Brickle – Underworld 3

Marcus Henderson was born to a poor mid-west family just after the second American civil war. 

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.   I used to do 101 words, hence the title but I am scrapping the restriction.  They will still be a brief.

Part 1 is here

Part 2 is here


Marcus Henderson was born to a poor mid-west family just after the second American civil war.  His parents had picked the wrong side and they had paid a heavy price for those decisions for years afterwards.  Like so many who had felt it was their duty to reclaim the America of their forefathers his father had died a broken man and his mother a shell of the tender and caring woman he remembered from his very earliest years.

As he walked towards the Zip station he thought of them and of the promise he had made his father as he lay dying, his body riddled with radiation poisoning. He would have been proud of the man he had become.  Proud of his sense of duty and his loyalty to family and a cause that still lived silently in the heart of so many.

“Don’t forget what they did” he could still hear him saying.

With rain falling and the inky blackness of night now descended on the city he reached into his pocket and fingered a small wad of credits.  Just enough to get him to the Airport and then it was off planet.  He gripped the briefcase more tightly and turned a corner.  The Zip station was just a block ahead and he quickened his pace.

“I’ve done it” he said aloud and allowed himself to smile.  It was probably his first smile in years.

Unfortunately for Marcus Henderson, with the exception of a brief moment where he managed to muster a “what the…”, those were the last words to ever leave his mouth.

From the corner of his eye he caught a blur of motion, a whiff of perfume and then he was suddenly dragged back into a small loading alley running parallel to the main walkway.  He felt arms around his throat and despite kicking frantically he could not fight back.

There was a brief “Shh” in his ear and in one swift movement there was a crack as his neck snapped and he slumped lifeless to the floor.

“Heavier than I thought” Jessica said to herself looking down at him and reaching down and prying the briefcase from his fingers which she placed it on the ground next to a dumpster.  She then went through his pockets and found his cash, ID Papers and a packet of butter brittle.

“Sweet tooth eh” she said.  “Don’t you know sugar will kill you sugar.”

She didn’t have time to get him into the dumpster and pulled him out of sight.  Not a minute too soon too as she heard hurried footsteps and through the patter of the rain  listened as the two hooded men walked past oblivious to what had just happened.

“He must have headed into the station” she heard one say.  There was definitely the hint of a Russian accent.

“Head up to the main concourse” the second told him breaking into a run, “I’ll check the departures.”

Jessica stood in the darkness, rain falling, and listened to the their receding footsteps.

“Job done” she said to herself and picked up the case and pushed the cash and ID papers into her jacket pocket.  She tossed the butter brittle at the dead man’s feet.

“Nothing personal Marcus” she said heading back out into the night, “I’m just doing my job.”

Moonlit Excursions – Underworld 2

Heads turned as she walked into the club, a dozen pairs of desperate lonely eyes drinking her in as eagerly as they suffered what passed as beer in this place

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.   I used to do 101 words, hence the title but I am scrapping the restriction.  They will still be a brief.  This is a follow up to one I did yesterday which you can find here…


Marcus Henderson was a fragile man, and he had for many years enjoyed his ill health about as much as he was enjoying the second beer just put before him.

He nodded a thanks to the bar tender and pushed a handful of credits towards him.  He didn’t really want the beer, and he didn’t want to be here, but somehow this is where he was and he had no idea why.   He just needed to be anywhere but there.

The original young girl on the stage had been replaced by her more voluptuous colleague, an engineered model no doubt given the size of her assets, and she was making easy work of hoisting herself up and down the pole.

“You not thirsty Marcus honey” she asked in her warm southern drawl, her red lips lingering on the ‘M’ just a little too long.  “You dont want it to get warm now.”

He pushed it away and readied himself as if to leave.  He looked up slowly as he spoke.

“It was very nice to meet you Miss…” He paused.

“Call Me Jessica, Marcus.  Very nice to meet you.”

“Likewise” he said  shaking her hand and then quickly pulling away.  “I must be going though” he added nervously “I have a dirigible to catch”  and with that he rose from his stool, pulled his coat tight and with his briefcase clutched to his chest he headed towards the exit and the neon night beyond.

“Be safe now you hear” she said as he walked away and up a small flight of steps to the club door.  She picked up movement from a dark corner and her eyes instinctively scanned the room and she watched two dark coated men rise and follow him as he left.  “Fuck” she said finishing her drink.  How did they know he was here?  She needed to act, and she needed to act fast or everything was going to go south fast.

“Thank you sugar” she said to the barman, waiting a few moments and then made for the exit.

The fizz and hiss of Neon lit the night, high sided buildings adorned with luminous invites to whatever dark craving you might call normal.  Across the road she spotted the two men weave between the street side vendors and the corporate nobodies that filled this part of time once night fell.  Pockets full and empty lives they moved from joint to joint in search of something that would pass for entertainment.

Heels or not she wasn’t letting this one get away and she skipped between the traffic shortening the distance between herself and Marcus’ followers and tucked in behind a  broad shouldered Colony Marine who seemed to be heading in the same direction.  Billows of steam hissed from street vents and the calls and cries of the market traders fought with the buzz of the traffic as she passed endless shopfronts selling everything from trinkets to weapons and somewhere in between you’d find the off-world girls and occasionally boys for those with an appetite for something a little different and a wallet to match.

She pulled the collar of her leather jacket up around her ears and darted from behind the marine and down a small side alley.  He had said he needed to catch a dirigible and given that there was only one zip station in the precinct that had a direct link to the airport she knew where he was going.  More importantly, she knew how to get there faster.

She picked up her pace and winding through near dark allies she headed for the zip station.  Here beyond the main strip and the glow of the neon hooded faces skulked in the shadows.

“What you after darling?” A tall thin man asked as she skirted the pools of water and garbage.  He reached a hand towards her and her eyes flashed bright, the glow of electric blue cutting through the darkness.

“H-hey sorry” he stammered recoiling in fear “I’m not looking for no trouble” he continued and hurried inside a dark doorway.

Jessica never broke stride and as she heard the clang of the door closing she rounded a corner and found herself just one block from the zip station.  She looked up feeling the first drops of rain beginning to fall, and there was a feint rumble of thunder in the distance.

They would have to come this way, and when they did she would be waiting.


 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Shades of Chartreuse – Underworld 1

Heads turned as she walked into the club, a dozen pairs of desperate lonely eyes drinking her in as eagerly as they suffered what passed as beer in this place

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.   I used to do 101 words, hence the title but I am scrapping the restriction.  They will still be a brief.  This might be the start of something.  Might well be a ‘To be continued…’  Actually, it could even be a middle or an end never mind a beginning.


Heads turned as she walked into the club, a dozen pairs of desperate lonely eyes drinking her in as eagerly as they suffered what passed as beer in this place.  With legs as long as her skirt was short she sidled up to the bar and effortlessly perched on the stool.

“Chartreuse” she said in a voice as smooth as silk.  The bartender nodded.

The room was dim enough to hide even the darkest of secrets and across from the bar on a small stage, lit only by a single spot that cut through the swirls of cigarette smoke, a pretty young thing wound slowly around a pole – her eyes dead and her mind anywhere but here.

“What’s your story” she asked a small balding man in a long dark overcoat sat two stools away.

He said nothing, staring deep into his glass.  He held a small battered briefcase on his lap and even when he drank kept one hand on it.

She took the glass of yellow green liquid from the bartender and slipped him ten credits.  “Keep the change sweetness” she said smiling.  He blushed awkwardly.  She was unnervingly beautiful.

“Not a talker eh” she continued, taking a sip from the glass.  “Well you cant come for the liquer either” she said putting it down, “so I guess you’re here for the girls then”.

“Im m-m-married” he answered.  She watched him for a moment.  He was small and very pale and beads of sweat glistened in the dim light.

“Aren’t you all sweetheart” she answered smiling and down one seat.  “Things not good at home then?” she asked.

“Everything’s fine” he answered curtly cradling the briefcase in his lap more tightly.

“That’s what my ex used to say” she said circling the rim of the glass with her forefinger “He’d say everything was fine and then I’d find him with Tracy or Kimberley or Julie or whoever the girl of the day was.”

The small pale man turned his head to look at her before quickly looking back down at the bar.

“He must have been a fool” he muttered.

“Oh thank you sweetheart” she said placing a hand on his arm.  Her bright blue twinkled as she flashed him broad smile   “I’m long past holding grudges though, he’s nothing but a story to me these days.  A distant memory and nothing more.”

He quickly took a drink from his almost empty glass.

“What’s your name sugar?” she asked.

“Henderson” he replied.

“First or last?” She teased.

“Marcus.  My name’s Marcus” he said.  She noticed him move ever so slightly towards her on his stool.

“Well Marcus” she said taking another drink from her glass, “Here’s to things being just fine.”


 

I think I might try continue this tomorrow…the prompt could work.  Moonlight Excursions.


Photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

 

For that special someone who your husband ran off with…

Heard you’re pregnant and feeling quite ill

happy days, eat for two what a thrill

Once you’re big as a horse

he’ll skip town, well of course

he’s a dick, should have stayed on the pill

 

Or on the same theme…

Heard the test came back, it’s gonorrhoea

and a pretty bad case, you poor dear

still I’m sure your new new life

with your whore of a wife

is quite great.  ***Sits back opens a beer***

 

Oooh this could so be a new thing.  Might do a range of greetings cards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


photo courtesy of pixabay

Stripped and polished – Room 101

As the bar began to empty her long nails traced patterns on his arm.  

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.


As the bar began to empty her long nails traced patterns on his arm.

“Nice colour” he said nervously

“You like it?” She asked smiling.  Of course he did. They all did.

“I…erm.”

She laughed leaning over and whispering in his ear.  “It’s blood red.”  The feel of her breath on his skin made his head spin and her perfume filled his senses.  “It’s of my own making” she continued, her nails now digging into his thigh.

“R-really” he stuttered, his jeans suddenly rather tight.

“Yes” she answered taking his hand and smiling.  “Come with me I’ll show you how.”

 


Photo courtesy of pixabay

Frosty Goes Wild – Room 101

This one’s bloody awful. Sorry.

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.


The cold wind stole her breath and the smell of tobacco filled her nostrils as gnarled fingers wrapped tight around her throat and pushed her up against the wall.

“Mmmm” She gasped, the moon reflecting on his deathly pale skin.

“Shut up” he snapped squeezing tighter, Ice running through her veins as she looked into eyes dark as coal. You “like carrots?” he asked, his laugh echoing through the night.

Struggling against his grip she gasped as he forced her slowly to her knees.

“Damn, there really must have been some magic in that old silk hat” he said grinning wildly.

 


Photo courtesy of pixabay

Swayed and seduced – Room 101

The colour spilled from Nick’s usually ruddy cheeks as he pushed open the dorm room door.

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.


 

Her heart raced as his hands rested on her hips and he pulled her closer.  She didn’t even know his name and right now she didn’t care.

She pressed herself against him and felt the thud of the music throughout her body.  His warm breath on her neck sent shivers down her spine and he whispered into her ear.

“Want to get out of here?”

She nodded, and as they left the bar her phone beeped.

Having a good time?

Bit boring babe wish you were here x see you later.

She closed the message screen and turned off the phone.

 


 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Iridescent truths – Room 101

Seems we all have our dirty little secrets…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt


Cheap neon buzzed and flickered as James slipped inside the building, hood pulled down hiding his face.

God he hated himself for doing this.  Such lack of control, suck desperation, so many lies.  God the lies were killing him.

Most of all though he hated betraying Cath.  Since he’d lost his job she’d returned to work,  now she was never home and never had time for him.

“It’s not my fault” he told himself pulling the door closed, unbuckling his jeans, “I have needs, I’m only human.”

“James what the fu…” came Cath’s voice as his boxers slipped to the floor.


Photo courtesy of stux at pixabay cco

My Haiku process

I find it hard to do serious haiku, they intimidate me and make me feel rather insecure. So I write these instead…

When I started with my haiku I found it hard to do the serious ones, the ones about nature and such.  The proper ones.  Instead I have always tried to write funny haiku about serious things.  My process is pretty simple, I write down a load of serious awful things just like the list below and then do my best to write something that might bring a smile to your face.  Life can be rather serious, and it really is good to laugh.

  • Getting aids
  • Catching your wife cheating
  • The death of a family member
  • Being diagnosed with cancer
  • Catching an STD

 

1982

caught aids from a toilet seat

that’s where it’s from right?

 

caught her red handed

He wants you to say his name?

say my lawyers name!

 

Granny passed away

to be fair she was quite old

inheritance, YES!

 

Grim outlook, cancer

live like there’s no tomorrow

cake for every meal

 

frightfully itchy

the colour just looks all wrong

why is it oozing?