Your Tuesday limerick

It’s that time again

Once a virginal lassie from Bury

To her boyfriend she offered her cherry

“Damn wrong hole” she did cry

“You’re two inches too high!”

“Does it hurt?” he asked, she replied “Very!”

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I had to do a wee but of research on this to get the imperial measurements as I am very much metric born and raised.   Oh and yes I know, position matters here in the general up and down of things. Look you’ll work it out I am sure…Now my browser needs clearing.  See the lengths I go to for your limericky pleasure!

Another limerick

It’s that time again

A young cow hand alone on the range

Felt a stirring, peculiar and strange

Watched steers  evening till dawn

Loved their rumps, and the horn

Well lets just say that it made him deranged

Hey look another limerick

More than 600 limericks and first time I have used ‘front bum’.
Yeah I know, surprised me too.

Woman, goodstanding of the judiciary

had a front bum that smelled like a fishery

She would hand down decrees,

Judgements, consider pleas

But if upwind then that was true misery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Butterfly

She watches him.

Fists clenched and a mouth filled with silent rage.

Scars long healed ache as he thunders, heart black as ink

boney finger point and stinging lies spew from his mouth

with rancid spite and bile.

 

Flowers long dead cast shadows at the grave of a love long departed.

Another day

another fight

another fist into soft warm flesh.

 

Words vile and dark fall on deaf ears,

and where once they cast wounds deep now

she simply turns and smiles

closing the door one last time.

 

 

 

Up Yours Christmas – 12 – The twelfth moan of Christmas

Next up, new year!

Christmas day comes at last to an end

dad’s been racist, your sis banged your friend

Grandad’s shit in his bed

“Gifts were garbage!” kids said

it was great though, let’s all just pretend

Up Yours Christmas – 9 – Oink Oink

And a pear martini in a pear tree…

It’s a slippery slope this Christmas period when it comes to dieting.  If the scales are to believe then cocktails are the most calorific foodstuff known to mankind.

Now I know I have had a lot in the last few days with a work Christmas night out and a party at our home but it seems the olympic nutritionalists out there are missing a trick because if you want to prepare for a marathon race or the 10000m against a pack of Ethiopians then you need to be preparing by quaffing half a dozed porn star martinis and a jug of woo woo.

You dont need high altitude training if you’re plannign on taking on the Chinese on the high board – you need a chocolate martini and a couple of white russians.  Need to have a crack at a couple of bulgarian wrestlers?  A purple rain is just the tonic.

I am going to try and do better in the run up to Christmas I really am, but if I slip then you know what I will simply declare that I am in training and watch out Mo Farah, I’m coming for you you skinny bastard!

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Up Yours Christmas – 7 – Old Saint Nicky limericky

Bringing you puppies and sweeties in his big blacked out van

He sneaks into your house late at night

while you sleep creeps around, lights shine bright

his full sack he then spills

neath your tree, oh such thrills

Then he enters your chimney, delight.

Up Yours Christmas – 5 – Family Gathering

Family and all that…

Each year I tend to see my family well before Christmas for our get together because my dad works away a lot of the time so we tend to fit it in where we can, and today was that day.

My parents were there, my sister and her husband and step daughter, my brother and his wife and two of his children and the 4 of us.  We don’t get together that often, perhaps a couple of times a year at best, and It was mostly as you would expect from a family gathering – there was food, the exchange of gifts and a few games before we all headed or seperate ways again.

The top highlights for me though were, in no particular order:

My dad announcing rather loudly and somewhat proudly that he must go and have a poo as the gift unwrapping started.  We didn’t wait as he tends to be a lingerer.

I commented that my nephew looks like his mum (not my brothers current wife) and he amusingly asked whether he really looked like an alcoholic middle aged woman.  And if you are wondering yes he does.  Not a great look for a 16 year old.

My vegetarian wife being warned that one of the cheesy pastry things was best avoided as it had pepperoni in it and she should instead have one of the other ones.  Turns out that that one only had really small pieces of ham in it so it’s almost meat free.

When playing games the question was “name 3 ways to make a baby stop crying.”  My niece offered “Feed it, sing to it, give it a bottle.”  My eldest offered “Stab it.”  Quite a lot of disturning baby murder jokes ensued.

Family eh!  Happy early Christmas…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up Yours Christmas – 4 – Meat

Okay so Jesus never said that but he might have.

Oh bring me your turkey, it’s anus and gizzards

it’s Christmas and we need to eat

this fellow was killed and hung up on a cross

so rejoice with some servings of meat

 

I’ll have sweet panda sausage and lashings of gravy

a pie made of puppies and cats

and some spicy kebabs made of hamsters and gerbils

and a bbq sauce made of rats

 

Give me eagle wings sticky with dark sweet molasses

and elephant steaks thick and rare

and a slow roasted monkey with sides of plump rabbit

and a soup full of grilled koala bear

 

maybe curry with kittens or maybe a souffle

of lightly browned mice or some sparrow

and a serving of horse topped with mash and some carrots

or a stew with a soft llama bone marrow

 

And let’s not forget dishes with sauteed gorilla

and some spicy meat balls made of camel

for it’s Christmas you see and as Jesus once said

“Eat it up, oh rejoice, cook than mammal!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up Yours Christmas – 3 – Friends and Family

Families eh!

Snow Crisp, blue skies, mulled wine, mince pies

wonder seen in children’s eyes

and gifts unwrappd with such surprise

in the hearth a fire burns

 

And family travels many miles

break bread together, warmest smiles

’tis season now to reconcile

as slowly seasons turn

 

And bellies full and drink it flows

facades they fade and contempt grows

and pretty soon they come to blows

past sleights so soon return

 

And dad gets smashed, insults son’s wife

siblings argue, filled with strife

and mother cries, she hates her life

for someone else she yearns

 

And she says he’s “just like his dad”

Then he protests “well youre mum’s mad!

and when she’s dead I will be glad!”

and children lessons learn

 

of family feuds and anger lingers

whilse drunken uncle Albert fingers

his own anus, in the bathroom lingers

without care or concern

 

They scream and shout, insults and hate

and cry and sob but it’s too late

the damage done, ain’t Christmas great

when will we ever learn…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up yours Christmas – 2 – I saw mummy

Dear Santa

I saw you kissing mummy underneath the mistletoe last night just like in the song which was very exciting. Or at least she said it was you.

I must say I didn’t know that there was a Jamaican Santa. You must get cold because you didn’t have a shirt or trousers on so will be having a word with my friend Kira who comes from Kingston and has never ever mentioned this.

I must say I do love your dreadlocks too.

I am surprised that mummy got any presents at all though because of how hard you were spanking her. She must have been very very naughty so its really kind of you to leave her something. Was it because she was begging for you to empty your sack so much? Probably right?

I don’t know why she was suggesting you dump everything down her chimney though because we live in Florida so dont have a fireplace. She has a terrible memory though and often forgets things like dinner and laundry . Was her forgetfulness why you kept asking her to say your name?

Anyway it was very kind of you to visit us especially because daddy is away with work so often.

Lots of love

James

P.s. She did actually share the presents with us even though you said she should take it all.

P.p.s She drank all the eggnog too I think because there was none left in the house but she did still have some on her chin. Greedy mummy.

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Up Yours Christmas – 1 – Jingle Bells

Personally I love it but I know not everyone is a fan so here’s somethign different.

Night still and calm all through the night

They travel ‘cross the skies

And pull their load for girls and boys

For Christmas morn surprise

 

With Gifts wrapped bright such joy they bring

And never ever late

Beneath the tree their cargo sits

For youngsters to locate

 

And off once more away they set

God speed into the night

Unknownst to them below he has

Them firmly in his sight

 

He calms his breath and sets his sight

a finger on the trigger

and zooms right in above the heart

the target he makes bigger

 

For meat he craves, and prey to hunt

A quarry none have taken

This year it’s reindeer meat he craves

A sausage wrapped in bacon

 

Or chops or ribs or tender flank

Or maybe steak’s the answer

Or Rudolph snout or Blitzen pie

Or lightly sautéed Dancer

 

He holds his breath, squeezes a shot

that echoes in the night

and watches, slowly as it snows

and ends their lives mid flight