There once was a woman from France
Asked a baker to go to a dance
As she really did want
His baguette and croissant
And his perfectly shaped vol-aux-vents
Mmmmmm tasty
Gluten tolerant!!!!
Category: limericks
Get well soon…Limerick Time.
Hallmark-esque
Heard you’re sick, quite unwell, chesty wheeze
Get well soon and stay hydrated, please
Hope you’re soon on the mend
It’s quite gross, can’t pretend
As your bum still explodes when you sneeze
More can you spot the film, Limericks?
Last of these I promise…
A witch called Hermione, when drunk
Would go mad for a wand wielding hunk
Dragons got her real hot
Hippogriffs ripe to trot
She’d go wild for a werewolf’s big trunk
Can you spot the film, Limericks?
There once was a wizard called…
A dirty gameskeeper called Rubious
When alone would do things, some deemed dubious
He’d profess, “It’s not weird,
Now come straddle my beard.”
He’d scream loud and explode like Vesuvious
Open wide for a limerick
SAY AAAAAAHHHHH
A wayward young dentist called Esther
.
Handsome patients would quite often pester
.
Press up close to their side.
.
Wink and say “open wide”
.
In the hope that they might just molest her
Limericky Dicky
Gluten most tolerant
A hot blooded young baker called Dicky
had a thing for hot bread and so quick he
would fondle baguette
blush and stammer and sweat
and his fingers would end up quite sticky
A limerick. For no real reason.
Toasty warm
Once a vet, quite the lover of rats,
mice and gerbils, but not fond of cats
Made a fine pair of mittens
from some cute persian kittens
and a tabby he made into hats
STD Limerick?
That will need antibiotics I imagine.
There once hailed a young man from Dublin
saw the doctor who said “It’s quite troubling,
that it’s looking most queer
could be syphilis I fear
as it’s covered in puss and is bubbling.”
Get well soon x
Feeling under the weather?
Heard you’re under the weather and wheezy
.
and your bottom is really quite breezy
.
and you’re head’s thick and snotty.
and your breath’s pretty grotty.
lots of fluids and rest, take it easy
A quick Wednesday limerick
One about butt stuff.
Once a mistress on more she insisted
.
Wanted love not just sex, dark and twisted
.
Tenderness, love, respect
.
Instead anus, quite wrecked
.
As her fellow her bottom rough fisted
Another limerick…
Oh those long, cold and lonely nights…
Once a quite lonely Chilean farmer
Fell in love with one of his prized llama
How he could not resist
When it bucked, spat and hissed
When he dressed it in sexy pyjama
Hey, look, yet another limerick…
The heart wants what the heart wants
Once a vicar with darkest of cravings
Spent church money on dark misbehaving
Bought crack, liquor, and whores
And rent boys by the scores
Who he claimed he’d intended on saving
If youre craving dirty limericks
Not mentioned this for a while…
You can read about the WHY here…but it’s out there. 300 of my finest limericks. Currently trending at number 359 in the limericks category on Amazon!
After a few people have read it I am probably about ready to admit I am kinda proud of it now. 🙂
Paperback in the UK is here
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011
And in the US here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011
There are ebook versions too.
A Limerick. For whatever day it actually is…
Eyewatering…
An amorous lad, Jeff from Devon
Met a girl and he promised her heaven
Fraught with amorous sighs
Reached aroused twixt her things
Turns out not quite a Kate, but a Kevin
Saturday, so that must mean a limerick.
Feel the love…twice weekly!
Once a couple in search of some spice
thought that swinging might maybe be nice
turns out wasn’t for him
though his wife, with a grin
partakes every weekend, sometimes twice.
Hey, look, another limerick…
Always wear an apron
A buck naked naturist, Brian
A new hobby of cooking was tryin’
Threw the meat in too quick
Burnt the tip of his dick
When a juicy thick steak he was fryin’
A limerick to start off your Saturday
Choo-choo
Kinky chap with a train Fascination
Loved the ride and the smooth Undulation
Was a wonderful perk
Should the train shake and jerk
As it aided his wild masturbation
Limerick perhaps?
Why not, eh 🙂
A quite chilly vet from Cancun
Made a hat from a baby baboon
Made a scarf from some kittens
Turned some puppies to mittens
Found himself rather warm pretty soon
Get well soon limerick
Stay hydrated and rest…
Get well soon hope it really stops swelling
Heard the pains pretty bad can’t stop yelling
Doubled up in such pain
From your toes to your brain
And its weeping and pretty bad smelling
A Limerick.
Its something I guess…
A vigourous jerker from Kent
Found his penis one morning quite bent
Many years of abusing
Always left hand twas using
Left him crooked, lopsided, when spent
A Monday Limerick
Amazonian lass with a fetish
Would see dwarfs and become rather wettish
Pygmies gave such delight
Kept her moist through the night
Watching ‘Wizard of Oz’ left her peckish.
Tuesday. Hmm.
nothing to see, move along…
New neighbour it seems
inspire his bird watching love
dirty bush rustler
Testicular confession limerick
Better get that checked…
Prospective lover to his lady June
“One ball’s shrivelled,alas, like a prune”
Nervously he confided
“And I’m somewhat lopsided
Other’s swollen just like a balloon.”
Filth, pure filth.
Absolute bloody filth
Dirty talker said she’d gladly suck it
Bite it, stroke it, and maybe shed fuck it
With no warning at all
Covered her, floors and wall
Cleaned her up with a mop and a bucket
Another limerick. Dirty.
Bless her, indeed
Devout God fearing hooker, Celeste
Who down on her knees would confess
Let the cleansing begin
Of her mouth full of sin
Get that massive big load off her chest
Afterwards 