Grumpy old bastards

The picture has no relation to anything.

Thsi is one I sent to Linda for Guest in Jest.  Please head over to her site and take a look.


I am not sure that we ever truly feel our age, I know I certainly don’t though I am fast approaching fifty.  I am perhaps a little slower, broader and less inclined to carrying unfeasibly heavy things unaided than I once was but mostly still feel somewhere in my early thirties.  My eldest was just born and energy was in abundance and I was perhaps a touch more excitable than I am now.

I did however feel my age somewhat on Friday evening.  For 12 years now the same half a dozen chaps from work have been coming over each month (with some periods of inactivity) to play poker.  We all worked together once but have since moved on so it is great to eat, drink and be merry.

It was much to my horror though that a few of the lads seem to be exhibiting classic old man syndrome (which I will refer to as OMS for the remainder of this piece).  One chap, I shall call him Paul, because that is his name, expressed the sort of fear of gadgetry that only someone with OMS can display.  As we discussed the merits of the commected home he was covinced that the risk of wifi enabled light bulbs far outweighed any benefit they might offer.

Apparenly they can be hacked and people can then take over your computer and your life and all manner of beastly things can happen.  I am pretty certain that he was convinced that my Roomba (you know those automated vacuum cleaner things) was eying him up and that should he perhaps trip and fall and bang his head he would come to only to find that the Roomba had taken off his trousers and was rubbing itself against his exposed anus in a most sexual manner.

Simon was next to exhibit symptoms.  Simon is a bright lad, a great coder and hardly someone that should be fearful of technology.  I have seen him impliment some quite fantastic data solutions over the years but when it came to my Amazon Alexa it was beyond him.  He could not simply shout across the room for her to play a selection of songs from the nineties.  No.  He had to leave the table, wander across in the nervous way one might approach an attractive woman in a pub, and with all of the confidence of that man who knows full wel that she is out of league mumbled something about Oasis.

Alexa ignored him.

To complicate matters the Alexa is connected to a Sonos speaker…

I eventually had to step in when he was shouting at the top of his voice insisting that Alexa was a dick head with ‘Dont look back in anger’ blaring out of the Sonos and the Alexa playing ‘Wonder Wall’ equally loud.  Apparently he also managed to  play ‘Champagne Supernova’ in my youngest’s bedroom at full volume which nearly made him shit the bed.

Oh and two of them were drinking Becks Blue non alcoholic beer because they had to be up to play golf in the morning.

Next stop the nursing home and pissing myself as I watch Diagnosis Murder reruns.

Late night limericks 

A quick dose of inappropriateness

I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time.   So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone. 

  
A baker I know quite sublime 

Made cakes pies and puddings most fine 

Met a lass who he woo’d

with his sensual food 

Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”

   

   

A fellow with wife rather bland 

For insurance he schemed and he planned 

But his plot came to nought 

By the cops he was cought 

Now in prison he gets nightly manned  

   

   
Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer

What a weekend he had but i fear 

That his wife will discover 

His large breasted lover 

When the tests come back with gonorrhoea

     

  

A hubby his wife sadly binned

But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned

Such a flatulent hag

She’d eat chilli, he’d gag 

As it gave her quite horrible wind 

   

   
They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!

FFfAW Challenge – A steaming mug of dark and silky goodness

“No, I am not drinking that!” Gordon insisted, forcefully pushing Colin’s arm away and turning his head in disgust.

The challenge was to write about the picture above in anywhere from 75 to 175 words.


“No, I am not drinking that!” Gordon insisted, forcefully pushing Colin’s arm away and turning his head in disgust.

Howling with laughter he offered the cup again.  “Come on mate” he slurred, taking a drink from the beer in his other hand,  “It’s chocolate honest!”

Gordon gagged as it was again shoved in his face.  “Oh god get that away from me!” he demanded “I don’t care how drunk I am I’m not touching it!”

Colin drank more beer.

“And how the hell did a man of your size even get that in the cup?” Gordon continued most vexed but not really wanting to know.  “you better not have made a mess in there we’ve just had it decorated and the wife will bloody kill me!”

Barely able to contain himself Colin lifted the mug to his lips.  “Okay if you won’t then I will…“

“Nooooo!” Gordon screamed.

“Ooh lovely” Colin said, licking his lips and offering it again grinning. “What did you think it was?”

“You’re such a dick” Gordon replied opening another beer.


175 words


Fancy something else?

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/