Out in the van – Settle and Pickering

We headed out to Settle for an overnight camping birthday party desire the weather forecast of fuck loads of rain. Turns out they were wrong. Instead there were fucking shit loads of bastard rain. At one point I’m sure the farmer was bringing in animals two by two.

Eventually a third of the site flooded and we couldn’t get out until the water subsided overnight. We are though English so we don’t allow such thing to put us off.

We had a bbq, I drank too much wine and the kids had a blast.

I should also point out I was in the van whilst everyone was in tents. Dry and toasty.

From there it was 90 miles across yorkshire to Pickering for a quick layover and a family party. The site has great wifi and they delivered breakfast sandwiches so the boys said its the best site ever!

Next stop …well come back in a few days to see…need to get packed up and hit the road.

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Sprained Wrist *wink wink* 

 

Hurt your wrist now you’Re feeling forlorn

Is it twisted or ligaments torn?

Now you know that we all

think its not from a fall

But from wanking all night watching porn

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

 

Heard you ate something dodgy oh dear

and your stomach is feeling quite queer

Stay hydrated then rest

you’ll be back to your best

it’s not pleasant at all diahorrea

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

A variation on yesterday’s theme for you …

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Heard you had something dodgy to eat

Now your stomach’s not feeling so sweet

You just threw up your lunch

And your arse packs a punch

Get to toilet and please please don’t tweet

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You know this is what you really want to say

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Saw on facebook you’re not feeling good

Please indulge me this thought if you would

Get you’re arse off to bed

If you’re feeling so dead

‘stead of posting dumb updates, I would!

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Not sure what to put in a get well soon card? I’ll sort you out worry not.

 

 

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

Oh poor thing I’ve just heard you’re quite ill

With a sneeze and a cough and a chill

I think stay tucked in bed

Chicken soup and some bread

if not better then perhaps take a pill.

 

See.  Not weird or anything.  Admittedly the first version ended with “and watch porn all day long, what a thrill.”  But no, that’s not unnecessary.  

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

And just like that we have a wholly inappropriate limerick about sailors.

I have wanted to use the phrase ‘gobbling on cocks’ for ages.  I think the picture makes it.

 

An alpha male type, macho guy

One day realised he may well be bi

Now he’s down on the dock’s

And he’s gobbling on cocks

Sailor three ways and all sorts he’ll try

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

Normal stuff again, nothing weird to see here thank heavens.

There once lived a lady named Jane

Who so loved to dance out in the rain

Got a cold, then a sniff

then pneumonia, quite stiff

now lies dead and no coat was to blame.

photo courtesy of pixabay

Mouse and Cat

The rain had been falling all for days, pitter patter against the window panes of the old farm house. Cat stared out at the grey sky and decided that she would most certainly not be going outside.

The rain had been falling all for days, pitter patter against the window panes of the old farm house.  Cat stared out at the grey sky and decided that he would most certainly not be going outside.   He did not like the rain one little bit, and nothing would shift him – not even the little mouse he could see scurrying about at the edge of the log pile.

The fire crackled as the fat bottomed girl walked past.

“I don’t blame you for not going out “ She said, stroking cat behind the ears, “I’d stay inside if I was you too.”

Cat yawned and stretched himself out on the window ledge as the fat bottomed girl pulled on her coat and wellington boots and headed outside into the rain.  The door banged closed and Cat watched her disappear across the farm yard, past the log pile where mouse hid beneath an old stump and towards the barns where the cows would be huddled together ready to be milked.

Cat closed his eyes listening to the rain and was soon fast asleep.

As Cat slept mouse scurried across the yard from puddle to puddle, making her way between the log pile and the old farm house.  She scuttled up the small tree next to the window behind which cat was now fast asleep, and dropped lightly onto the window sill.

Mouse did so enjoy the rain because she knew full well that cat would not venture outside when the weather was so miserable.  She had once seen cat caught in a downpour and how she had laughed and laughed as cat hurtled back to the farm house, desperate to get inside only to discover that he had been locked out.  What a bedraggled dripping mess he was indeed.

As cat slept, mouse watched Cat closely from the safety of the other side of the window.  Never before had mouse been so close to a cat.

“What a curious creature” mouse said to herself, whiskers twitching.  She pressed her nose up against the glass to get a better look.  “Doesn’t look so scary to me.”

Cat stirred and opened one eye to see mouse staring straight at him.  As the rain fell the large Ginger cat and the small brown mouse stared at each other, neither moving.  Cat’s tail then twitched ever so slightly as mouse wrinkled her nose and then spoke.

“Good morning Cat” she said, but cat could not hear her through the glass and above the noise of the rain.

Cat opened both eyes and sat upright.  Mouse shifted nervously but remained on the window sill, perhaps feeling brave because of the glass that separated them.

Mouse stood up on her hind feet and stared at cat.  “Don’t look so scary to me” she said “I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

Cat licked his lips and swished his tail, head to one side wondering what this mouse might be saying.  Did she not know who he was, did she not realise that he was rather fond of plump little mice?

Mouse dropped back onto all fours and seemed to parade up and down on the window sill as the rain continued to fall even heavier.

“You don’t scare me cat” mouse shouted, tapping on the glass with a tiny paw.  “this is my farm yard” she insisted and continued to scurry up and down the window sill feeling most brave, stopping only occasionally to pull faces at cat or wiggle her bottom at him.

Cat continued to watch mouse as she paraded up and down in front of him, his tail swishing and his whiskers bristling.  He saw the fat bottomed girl emerge from the milking sheds and head back across the farm yard as the rain began to lessen.  Mouse was so preoccupied that she did not seem to notice.

“That’s it” cat said to himself, “just a little closer”.

The fat bottomed girl was nearly at the door before mouse heard her, the rain now almost stopped.

Cat leapt from the window sill as the door opened, and in a flash mouse realised what was about to happen and darted for the tree next to the window, her heart beating frantically.  As the door opened cat rocketed across the farm house floor, past the crackling fire and out of the door just as mouse reached the foot of the tree.

Mouse knew she had but a moment to get to the log pile, and cat was closing in on her fast.  She skirted a small puddle as cat splashed across the yard heading for her, eyes wide and an intent and savage look on his face.

“Run mouse, run” she shouted to herself “he’s coming!”

Cat leapt through the air, paws outstretched and claws out as mouse lunged into the log pile.  Cat flew into a rather large stump and crashed to the ground, shaking his head.

“I know you’re in there!” he said as mouse crawled deeper into the pile.  “It’s only a matter of time Mrs Mouse” he continued, “you cannot stay in there all day.”

“I’m not scared of you” mouse squeaked, though she most obviously was, but it was starting to rain again and she knew cat would not remain outside long.

As the rain began to fall the fat bottomed girl opened the door and called cat inside, and he raced off to the warmth of the farm house.  As mouse emerged from the log pile, she looked back at the house and saw cat sitting in the window cleaning himself.

“I’m not scared of you cat “ she shouted as she scuttled back to her home, “and I am not afraid of the rain either!”


More stuff perhaps?

Fatties in space – not one for the kiddies

Screw You Haiku 11/9/17

The intergalactic language of tea – Daily Prompt

Mouse and Sparrow


photo courtesy of alexas_fotos@pixaba

The girl in the rain 

Just an idea about a girl in the rain. I worked backwards from the ending.

When he offered her a lift home she wanted to say no, but the weather was awful out and she really didn’t fancy a walk to the station in the rain.  “Go on then” she responded reluctantly, “but just a lift okay, nothing more.”

James grinned that stupid boyish grin she had seen too many times before in married around the office.   “Cool” he replied “I’ll grab my coat and we can get off, won’t be a minute.”

She watched him scurry over to his desk, throw his laptop into his bag and pull on a dark raincoat over his well fitting navy suit.

“Thanks for this” she said as he walked back over.  He was an arsehole, she knew that too well after last year’s Christmas party, but he was an arsehole with a car and it had been a long day and she really didn’t fancy getting soaked.

“I’m parked in the exec section” he said smugly, “we can get the lift down.”

She followed him to the lifts and they stood saying nothing waiting for it.  Once inside, doors closed he spoke again “So are you seeing anyone?” he asked “it’s been ages since we chatted.”

“It was the Christmas party” Sarah answered sharply.

“Oh shit yeah” he replied awkwardly.  “Look I’m sorry about all that really I am – you know how it is when everyone’s had a drink.”

For a moment she actually believed him then remembered what had happened “How are the wife and kids?” She asked.  It was a bit of a low blow but he deserved it.

He shuffled uncomfortably but didn’t get to answer before the lift stopped, the doors opening with a ding.

“After you ” he said, allowing her to get out before him.  “I’m just over there” he said pointing towards a rather nice silver car.  She didn’t know anything about cars but it looked expensive.  He clicked his keys and the alarm beeped and lights flashed once.

“Nice car ” Sarah remarked, opening the door and climbing inside.  A lot nicer than the bus she thought to herself.

He threw his bag onto the back seat and climbed in next to her. “You still up near the school?” he asked starting the car.

“Please” she answered pulling on her seat belt and clinging to her bag.

“Cool, it’s on my way not a problem at all.” He smiled again.

She had grown to hate that smile, he was so certain of himself, so confident.  It hadn’t always been that way though, she’d been out with him and a few friend after work a few times after she’d first started working at the practice and he was never an arsehole.

“They’re all arseholes” her mum would tell her, “especially the married ones.”  She really was not good at taking advice.

James turned on the radio as they drove through the rain heading up through the town centre. “So, you never answered my question” he said looking across at her.

“And you never answered mine.”

“Oh come on” he replied laughing “you aren’t still cross with me are you?”

“Are you serious?” She really wished she’d caught the bus.

“It was just a bit of fun” he insisted “you know how it is.”

“it really hurt ok, you shouldn’t have done that to me, not in front of everyone.”

“I know I know” he said turning down the radio as they left the business of town and turned onto the bypass.  “I just thought you wanted to you know.”

“Jesus James” she snapped “I was drunk – everyone saw us!”

“Sarah, I know I was wrong okay, I’m really sorry.”

She stared out of the window watching the lights of the passing cars stream by, rain running down her window.

“Forgive me” he asked gently, looking across to catch her eye.

“Fine ” she said looking back across at him, she smiled.  “You can give me a lift next time it rains as well” she joked “then we’re quits okay.”

“Deal” he grinned turning the radio back up a little “you can have a lift anytime you want.”

“Just next time will be fine” Sarah answered, for the first time loosening her grip on her bag just a little. “Take the next left” she instructed “it’s a bit quicker.”

“No problem” James replied indicating and taking the corner then pulling to a stop.

“What are you doing?” Sarah asked pointing up the hill, “It’s still a way up there.”

James turned off the engine.  “Can I be honest with you?” he asked, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the back of her chair.

“James, can we just go please” she snapped “I need to get home.”

“Just let me say this, ”  he insisted “Ever since that night I’ve thought about you a lot okay.”

“Jesus Christ!” she exclaimed “are you serious?”

“Oh come on” he continued placing a hand on her leg “no one needs to know, it’s no big deal.”

Sarah quickly unbuckled her belt and slapped his hand away from her leg, grabbed her bag and climbed out of the car into the rain.

“You’re an arsehole!” she shouted, “an absolute arsehole!”

“Sarah, come back please” he shouted.  She stood staring at him saying nothing, watching the rain fall onto the car seat through the open door.  “You’re getting my car soaked!” he shouted “are you getting back in or not?”

He didn’t wait long for an answer and reaching across the passenger seat he pulled the door closed.  “You mention this at work and I’ll just deny it!” he shouted through the still open window.  “No one will believe you” he continued, his face angry and his eyes narrowed.  Without waiting for her to answer he slammed the car into gear and roared off, leaving her alone again in the darkness.

Sarah pulled the belt of her coat tight, watching the red lights of the car shimmer in the rain and disappear into the night.  This time, she decided, this time she wouldn’t cry.

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

Https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/shimmer/