August Photos

Just photos. From August.

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Out in the Van – Ilkley Moor

A day out in Yorkshire. And without one’s hat…

Okay so not strictly speaking a van trip but a great day out clambering about the Cow and Calf up on Ilkley which is just a hop, skip and a jump from where I live.  

Pictures say it all really.  It was windy and somewhat grey but a lovely way to spend a good few hours indeed.

Out in the Van – Saltburn, Skinningrove and Runswick bay.

After a few days inland we headed to the coast because the boys fancied some body boarding. There weren’t great waves but we had a blast anyway. The cold never deterred them one bit and we found some lovely and fairly quiet beaches. (The chilly weather may account for that)

for that).

This is A gorgeous neck of the woods and we will be returning next year for sure.

But for now this is it, time to head to Cottingham in the morning to see my mum then its home in the afternoon.

Happy travels

Out in the van – Northshire Camp Site near Saltburn by the sea.

What a treat indeed…

This camp site gets its own entry because I’ve never see anything like it. As if the gypsy caravans and peacocks weren’t enough it has a freaking replica of Hagrids house, a hobbit hole and a wonderful Tolkien/Rowling – esque tea room.

We’ve been to a few beaches so we could go body boarding but its been such a great site we’ve been keen to get back.

Pics say it all I think…

Out in the van – Settle and Pickering

We headed out to Settle for an overnight camping birthday party desire the weather forecast of fuck loads of rain. Turns out they were wrong. Instead there were fucking shit loads of bastard rain. At one point I’m sure the farmer was bringing in animals two by two.

Eventually a third of the site flooded and we couldn’t get out until the water subsided overnight. We are though English so we don’t allow such thing to put us off.

We had a bbq, I drank too much wine and the kids had a blast.

I should also point out I was in the van whilst everyone was in tents. Dry and toasty.

From there it was 90 miles across yorkshire to Pickering for a quick layover and a family party. The site has great wifi and they delivered breakfast sandwiches so the boys said its the best site ever!

Next stop …well come back in a few days to see…need to get packed up and hit the road.

Out in the Van – Tywyn and Fairbourne, North Wales.

July 2019

What a treat Tywyn is…Found this place by accident and after about three hours of arse numbing bottom clenching driving (due mostly to the final hour on some rather narrow hill top roads) we ended up on a farm right on the beach for 4 days just enjoying some pretty pleasand weather. Though the site had no electric the Solar panels kept the fridge running and the phones charged and me and the boys just spent a lot of time being in the same please with no real pressure to do much at all. There are lots you can do when you’re there which we neglected to enjoy, apart from some bodyboarding in Fairbourne, so we have plenty of reason to head back…

I can see Uranus

One I did for linda for guest in jest…


I think you know I have a childish and somewhat inappropriate sense of humour. I don’t hide it and in fact I am rather fond of it, so you will not be surprised to know that my recent camping adventures have developed a most fantastically inappropriate twist which I am certain you will love too – even if you don’t admit it.

I didn’t come up with – it was something I saw on Amazon’s ‘Grand Tour’ but do know it will stick with me for the rest of my days.

So what is it you ask? Well quite simple really. You know how caravans have fantastically inspirational names, well you put ‘Anal’ in front of them and then giggle like a twelve year old until your wife shouts at you for being so childish. Not that 12 year olds have wives. Well not unless youre american. But I digress…

Check out the photos below and if you don’t manage a chuckle then you’re dead inside! I for one am a big fan on the ‘Anal Hobby’. You may however be a little more of a classical basic humour sort of person and prefer the ‘Anal Breeze’ or perhaps the ever popular ‘Anal ambassador’.

Let me know your favourite…

Out in the Van – Kirkby Lonsdale, Morecombe and Blackpool

June 2019

The youngest was at a party and playing cricket so the eldest and I headed out west to Kirkby Lonsdale. There is a rugby club there I wanted to check out that offer camping and we headed the sixty or so miles cross country to see what the score was.

Well we were indeed most surprised. The site was itself fairly standard fair but my god the views, walks and pubs were magnificent…

Look…see..All of that was within a few minutes of the site and the river view is one described by the artist Turner as one of the most beautiful in England (and therefore the world).

That was mostly Saturday, we wandered, went to the pub for tea instead of cooking, and sat around in the sun which was out for the first time in weeks.

Sunday Morning we packed up and headed to Morecombe to start a leisurely drive home. Alas I chose to take the scenic route and I lost both wing mirrors of the SpiderVan on a particularly narrow with a particularly carelss oncoming driver. Fortunately it was just the casings that broke so pretty cheap to replace. Scary as hell though when we hit his vehicle and a telephone pole at the same time. Or did he hit us? More his fault tbh – he was driving the sort of vehicle only driven by men with small cocks.

Some gaffer tape fixed her right up though. ††

Morecombe has a certain melancholy and sadness about it, but worth a wander about and I think it’s somewhere I would like to return to in winter as I do love a bleak run down seaside town.

Anyway after that we figured next up Blackpool for a spot of lunch before heading home. Ive been to blackpool once before, at night, and the famous illuminations were kinda cool and there were a lot of folk enjoying it and it had a fun if somewhat past its best vibe.

Foolishly this time I went in the day time.

What a shit hole. If it was a man it would be a once fun and charismatic ex who is now long past his best and who sits in his favourite chair with his gut spilling onto his lap, his hand in his pants caressing his unwashed penis and who longingly reminisces about the time he fingered Stacey Cooper at your cousins house party.

Needless to say we just kept driving and headed to a services to grab a Subway instead before heading home.

So all in all a lovely day and a half away and I will definitely be heading back to Kirkby Lonsdale and Morecombe…

Out in the Van – Vale of Pickering and Thornton le Dale

June 2019

Took the van out to the Vale of Pickering this weekend and met up with the extended family. It was only for a couple of nights but probably the first time we have properly set everything up including the all importing bunting and quaint lighting.

First night we just had a barbeque and a few gins which was all rather civilised and the next day it was out to Thornton Le Dale for a walk out into the countryside and to let the kids thrash around in a river for a while.

The van continues to delight and really getting used to living in it now and a second crack at the inflatable awning proved to be pretty easy.

Mrs Afterwards family are from Pickering so it’s a place we know well but it was our first trip to Thornton le Dale and as you can see from the pictures it is as quaint as hell…

Anyway I know you prefer the pictures so here you go…

Wtf

The end is nigh!

I’m away in the van out Flanborough way for a few days with the boys and within 5 minutes of arriving the sky turns into something I imagined would surely herald the end of the world.

I got the tent out that fixes to the van but hastily packed it away as there was no chance of getting it up before the storm arrived.

More to follow but just lying awake rather early due to my snoring, flatulent children and my most urgent bladder…

Next time…less beans…

Day Trip to Whitby

Off again to the Yorkshire seaside.

You can read all about where this lark started here and our first night here. Then there was a trip to scarbrough and now it’s Whitby’s turn…


Whilst I love Scarbrough I simply adore Whitby. The Drive took us out over the North Yorkshire moors and with 2 hours we were parked up next to the harbour.

Whitby has no shortage of history and gave us captain Cook, Dracula and two of the ships that set out to settle in Australia in 1788. Then there is the Abbey (which alas was closed ) which is just truly inspirational.

I really don’t need to go on about the place just look at the photographs…

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Day Trip to Scarbrough

Off to the Yorkshire seaside.

You can read all about where this lark started here and our first night here.


The kids were off school this week and unusually Mrs Afterwards and I were off at the same time so we dicided to take the van for a run over to Scarbrough. The weather was unseasonably pleasant and I fancied giving her a good long run out. The van that is, not Mrs Afterwards.

There was no real need to pack anythign so we just coralled the kids into it, stopped at Starbucks for coffee and off we set. I was in such a rush to see what mileage I could get that I neglected to plug in the Sat Nav and in a most manly fashion told myself that I have been plenty of times and I would know when to turn off.

It wasn’t until we neared Thirsk that I realised that I am not to be trusted with such things and I had missed the turn to York many miles before. it did however turn out rather well because the Thirsk to Scarbrough road is a pretty detour indeed and if anything I felt emboldened to neglect the sat nav more often in an attempt to avoid the beaten track and all that.

Well that’s what I told myself because real men don’t need maps right ?

Anyway, the outskirts of the idyllic North Yorkshire Moors awaited and we enjoyed the sights of Kirbymoorside, Pickering and a host of other picture postcard locations as we made our way to the seaside.

Most of you will never have been to Scarbrough, but those who have will knwo it is a quite quintiessential English Seaside town. I spent many a holiday there when I was growing up and still love it to this day.

Now when I go I like to do all the same things I have done every other time I have been there. There are whelks and a walk from the north to the south bay and back, admirign the 1000 year old castle, penny slots, fish and chips, the occasional waffle, a mooch around the shops and a wander across the beach.

I know I could do something else but I find the familiarity quite comforting and am quite happy just being a regular boring old tourist.

Highlight of the day though was pulling over onto the verge on the way home and putting on the kettle and making coffee and simply watching the sun set. yes I know I sould like an old person, and yes I realise it sounds rather twee but it made me smile rather a lot.

Oh and the mileage? It was particularly economical and whilst I couldn’t quite work out what I was getting to the gallon (because I have no ide what a bloody gallon is ) I knew it was good which was a real bonus.

Our first night in the Van

Our first night away

You can read all about where this lark started here.


My youngest and I decided that we would head out for a night and see what it was like spending a night in the van. Not wanting to rough it too much I booked a place on a Caravan Club site over in Lancashire for just the one night. Only cost me £19.20 and a few quid in diesel and off we went.

We were a bit behind in setting off so made a hurried stop at tescos to pick up a few things and then we hit the road again. Now I am known to just make things up as I go along and having spent about £90 I was barely out of Halifax before I had a niggling feeling that I had forgotten stuff.

As it turned out I had forgotten almost everything.

Turns out that you need more than a couple of sirloins, some beans, utencils, bread and butter for a night out. Whilst I had managed to remember to buy a pan I had neglected to bring or buy anything to eat out of. Well there was one paper plate but that was it. I had also bought the world’s sharpest knife which I proceeeded to slash my finger with within moments of opening it which reminded me that I had forgotten any sort of first aid kit too.

But I am jumping the gun a little there because before that we enjoyed a rather pleasant walk around the country park and saw some ducks and a giant mouse trap and enjoyed a sculpture trail. All very fabulous.

Actually even that is jumping the gun because prior to that was the setting up of the van for the night. Not too tricky once we organised ourselves a little and got things unpacked. I did manage to unplug the electric from the rather surly Geordie taxi driver at the pitch next to us but apart from that no major issues.

So the walk was done and dinner was cooked. Tom ate his corned beef, beans and sausages out of the can they had come in and I ate mine from the pan. We then cooked a steak too which was fantastic though it did make the entire van smell like meat and that we just ate straight from the pan.

By now it was about 6pm and we weren’t quite sure what to do with ourselves. Getting away from all the usual distractions will take some getting used to. We chatted for a while and then watched a film on the ipad and ate a few biscuits and finished off the milk we had bought for no apparent reason. Well Tom did.

That is when the pissing started.

Oh god he needed the loo about 5 times over the next 3 hours and every time it was a case of getting wrapped up warm and making the trip across the site. First few times it was fun but by the fifth I was ready to try and fashion some sort of cathater for him.

Eventually he was empty and I had hidden all beverages and we settled down to bed.

That is when the farting started.

I am not sure the beans were right you know. Probably off. Either way it was a most windy end to the evening. We both slept pretty well and it was nice and warm with the heater keeping things toasty as we slept.

Morning came a little earlier than I would have liked but we both woke relatively refreshed and following a leftover steak sandwich for breakfast we packed up and headed home.

We had a fabulous time you know, and it was just great to get away and realise the freedom it gives us and make some new memories.

Happy days and next time we may even take a change of clothes and somethign to eat out of.

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White Van Man

My home away from home

You may have to endure posts from me on the subject of camper vans and camping because I recently bought a VW camper conversion.

To be clear, I don’t particularly care for camping.  Let’s just get that out of the way.  I have been a few times and whilst it was pleasant I never really got the bug.  I do though like the idea of it, particualry as my boys are getting older (Sam is 14 now and Tom nearly 11), and see it as a way of spendign more time with them before they realise that I am a dick and never speak to me again.  To be honest I think Sam already has a strong suspicion.

Now I know I could have just bought a tent but but that didn’t quite float my boat so I jumped in and bought a van which can sleep 4 (well probably not 4 people my size but we will see how it goes) and has solar power, a heater, fridge, cooker, etc etc.

So far I haven’t slept in it but we are enjoying going out for the day, making caramel latte,  and just getting used to being in it and working out how to spend time in it without it become infested with rats or smelling like a tramp’s bottom.

I’ll let you kinow how I get on.  Here are a few pics from the first 2 weeks.

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Some limericks

Just a few limericks to get them out of my head. Camping, drugs and a couple of perverts are on teh menu today.

 

Just a couple of quickies…

 

A supplier of drugs most sublime

said “No ones cokes quite good as mine

and you’ll never go back

once you’ve tasted my crack

and my weed is undoubtedly fine”

 

There once was a pervert,  Jaffar

who with puppies lured kids to his car

he got caught, locked away

and I’m quite glad to say

he got shanked in the showers, hoorah!

 

There once was a priest from Belize

Who’s penis hung down to his knees

but it only got used

on the boys he abused

gets beat nightly in jail, I’m quite pleased

 

A handy young camper from Kent

spent his weekends outdoors in a tent

but a wind came on through

ripped his home clean in two

left him soaked and confused, poles quite bent