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Welcome to Afterwards

You won’t leave feeling affirmed or inspired but you might just crack a smile at something you shouldn’t, and that is okay because I wont tell anybody. Someone even laughed out loud once but then had to pretend it was something funny they read elsewhere because it was wholly inappropriate and they were a bit ashamed but mostly amused.

You won’t leave feeling affirmed or inspired but you might just crack a smile at something you shouldn’t, and that is okay because I wont tell anybody.  Someone even laughed out loud once but then had to pretend it was something funny they read elsewhere because it was wholly inappropriate and they were a bit ashamed but mostly amused.

I really hate exercise – SoundCloud

Profanities and sexual references galore

So my question for physical inperfection now includes exercise. I hate it. So much. Want to know how much ? Take a listen. Be warned…its really inappropriate and you wouldn’t want your kids listening to it. Unless they’re Jerry Falwell Junior. He would be cool with it I’m sure.

Mostly just ten minutes of me sweating and sweating and making sexual references about exercise machines ..

Listen to I really hate exercise by michael on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.com/michael-307185057/i-really-hate-exercise

June

Words and more words and more words still…

Time steals the sweetest memories

Those moments where we wished that she’d

Halt in her tracks and carve emotions into stone

Forever monuments to love

Where, in later days we’d celebrate

That which was and now still is

But cruel she marches unrelenting

And halo slips, becomes a noose around the neck

As envy’s eye looks greedily on summers long ago

These barren lands, unfertile soil where only sadness grow

And dreams they whither on the vine as winter steals

The very breath that spoke you name

These lips once red now bare the pale of death’s caress

Eyes closed I fall to his embrace

and beg he take these memories

And cast them into the abyss

2000AD Stuff – My Dredd and Anderson Badges…

The latest edition to my 2000AD collection of stuff.

I posted a while ago about my recently acquired Sov Badge which you can read about here. I have now added a Dredd and an Anderson PSI badge to my collection but this time I 3D printed them myself (ignore the buff bulbasaur 🙂 ). I am now looking forward to getting these painted and creating some sort of display with my Carlos Ezquerra style lawgiver…and to then display it with this, my pride and joy Ezquerra art…

Prrobably as close as I will get to a religious shrine I guess 🙂

I will let you see them when I have them all painted up…

You can get a peek here of some of the other stuff I have added about my love…

https://afterwards.blog/2020/04/06/2000ad-stuff-my-carlos-ezquerra-lawgiver-replica/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/09/02/2000ad-art-rogue-trooper-by-mike-collins/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/05/my-dredd-tattoo-2/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/07/my-other-dredd-tattoo/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/08/08/2000ad-art-dredd-and-the-dark-judges-david-bircham/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/22/2000ad-action-figure-judge-death/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/05/2000ad-script-t-b-grover-alan-grant-and-art-by-cliff-robinson/

One about a jogger with a rather large problem

Problem was he liked to jog past schools and old peoples homes you see…

A well endowed runner from Dallas

Had real problems controlling his phallus

When out jogging would slip

From his shorts, shaft and tip

Couldn’t help it, intended no malice

Corona Lock down Diaries – 3D Printing.

Getting our print on!

At Christmas I tried to convince my 11 year old that a 3D printer would be a great idea. At the time, however, he had his heart set on a particular pair of trainers so it never happened. In April I suggested it would be a good idea to have one for his 12th birthday, and given that I had been telling him about them for a few months he was admittedly interested, but not enough to not ask for a Nintendo Switch.

I knew it would be good for him as he has quite the enquiring mind, would provide him a wonderful creative outlet, would let him explore…oh who am I kidding. at this point it felt like I was never getting a 3D printer.

6 weeks into Covid, with the stresses of isolation weighing on the family (I am trying to keep a straight face here) I suggested it would be a good idea to get one as it would allow him to do something different as he was not able to play rugby or cricket and school was already a distant memory.

At this juncture Mrs Afterwards suggested that if I want one I should get one and stop pretending it was for Tom. Tom though was now super interested and following a little research our Flashforge Guider 2 was winging its way to us. It is freaking huge, weighing in at about 30KG and about the size of an old style television. It pings and dings and lights up quite wonderfully too…

For those not familiar with them they mostly print things from plastic extruded through a hot nozzle using files you can make or download from the internet. Now that the remodelling is done we have been able to unpack it and have spent the weekend in the cellar printing cool stuff.

So far we’ve printed a couple of badges from 2000AD, a Totoro, a buffed up bulbasaur, some covid door hooks and even a couple of rings. It is such good fun! I even let him have a turn 🙂

Corona Lock down Diaries – Building work

5 months later…

Ok so 5 months ago we started a building project. Then the world closed because of the Corona Virus and for most of 2020 we lived in a building site. Up until this weekend. The builders packed their stuff last week and departed and at last we have our house back.

Now I haven’t posted or really been near my blog for the last week as I have been painting walls and doors and pretty much anything that looked like it would benefit from a lick of paint and after a long week of late nights the place was ready to move into and over the last week we spent many an hour trying to get the rooms set up, the home gym assembled and things mostly in place (though there is still a lot to do).

I now have somewhere to get some exercise as I really don’t like going outside and at last have a lovely space to work and write.

Now I just need to paint the other 3 floors of the house!

Before and after of the coal cellar. I had never actually been right into it in 16 years as it was too terrifying…

Before and after of what is now storage/home Gym/3D printer room/Games machine room. I even managed to sort out all of my tools and that made me feel particularly manly and I may have stood, hands on hips and legs akimbo following a particularly methodical organising of my drill bits.

And then lastly the living room/office thingy. It has a fridge and bar area dedicated solely to alcohol which is odd as I don’t actually really drink though I think perhaps I might try and get into wine because I am of an age where I feel I ought to know more about wine than I do. I lit the fire for effect, and while it looked lovely it was bloody boiling. I also put on the underfloor heating which added to the generally unpleasant temperature and made me sweat in all of my creases…not nice at all.

So now mostly for the rest of forever this is where I intend to be 🙂

Well worth the 5 months of filth and building work! So right that desk is where I am sat.

Really looking forward to getting back to normality, if anything about this new world can be thought of as normal!

A Get Well Soon Limerick…

Maybe someone out there needs to hear this. Maybe it’s you. Maybe youre a dirty little monkey indeed!

Hope this finds you somewhat on the mend

Hear it’s swollen quite close to the end

Feels like it may fall off

If you move fast or cough

And you near shit your pants when you bend

 

 

These poisoned gifts

Not sure what I was going for here. I started something, inspired by a song, then painted the bathroom so lost my train of thought…

In the dark stripped bare and cold

Drowning in things handed down

These rags, the curses, bloodied lips

Sins of the father, chains that bind

And shadows in the doorway watch.

Each blow, each bruise and words that cut

far deeper into sun bleached bone

than sharpened blade could ever do.

Dark lullaby and icy kiss goodnight

The hooded shame chokes, burns and blinds

But from outside wide smiles deceive

And shackled, shuffle silent by

Corona Lock down Diaries – Intermittent fasting and calorie deficit.

The ongoing saga of the right old state our doors were in…

I know were not still strictly locked down but I figured I’d carry on with this anyway. Last post I wrote on this is here if you want to catch up first.

So after 2 months I about 16kg/35 Lbs down. Roughly back where I was when I last did the Whole30 thing, so whilst a real boost it is rather annoying that I have just lost weight I already lost previously and then put back on. But if you’ve ever been overweight then you will be familiar with this cycle. Losing it can be easy but maintaining it often seems to be the difficult part.

This time round I have tried calorie deficit combined with intermittent fasting. I really like cooking, and I love eating and I just don’t think it is possible for me to not enjoy the things I love to eat so I have endeavoured to simply have what I want – just less of it. Looking at a calorie deficit of around 500 and you’ll lose about one pound a week, but I have probably ran a little more than that and I do tend to lose weight really fast when I start getting things under control. Apart from the last week where I have pretty much maintained my weight because I could not stop eating bourbon biscuits and jammy dodgers! I have a real problem with them…

So in addition to the calorie deficit I started intermittent fasting and broadly eat in a 5 hour window between noon and 5pm. This really helps me to focus and helps me with the discipline I usually do not have. I know there are all sorts of actual benefits of intermittent fasting and there are great sites out there that will extoll those but for me – it mostly stops me eating about 11 meals a day at all hours. Simple really.

To help me keep track of what I am doing I use two apps each day. Fastic helps me to track my fasting hours and I use MyFitnessPal to track my calorie intake. The former does have the ability to track calories but I prefer the latter as it has all the foods from most stores in its database so I can be more accurate with it.

There have been hiccups and blips along the way, and I have struggled at times like you do when youre trying to fix something that has been a problem your whole life but this time I do feel different about what I am trying to achieve. Perhaps it is because I am 50 next year and know I cannot carry on like I have been. That pending sense of mortality can be a real awakener.

Oh there is one more thing I have been doing. Drinking a lot of water. I have a glass that takes 500ML and drink about 6 of these a day. There are studies out there that show drinking more water helps with weight loss and it does seem to have helped me – perhaps I just feel fuller I don’t know -there will be science to it. Mostly though it just feels like a useful part of the routine I am developing.

The one thing I haven’t really done yet is exercise. I’ve barely been out during the last 4 months and my step counter on my watch struggles to get to 5000 most days. I will be remedying that though over the next few weeks when our building project completes. We’ve put in a small home gym and I will have a cross trainer, static bike, treadmill and rowing machine.

So there you go, you’re up to speed with what I have been doing on that front. Here’s my head 2 months apart and some of the food I have been making…

Exodus 0.4 – Dust

Just a thing I have been playing with…

I’ll carry on with this a bit. Not sure if anyone will read it but I like waffling on when I am in the mood…I’m still just trying to mostly find time and just keep writing something each day

Other parts are here, here and here…

_____________

At about the same moment that Fisher changed her mind from wishing she had never been born to instead wishing that fate on the base Commander, an unfathomable distance away at the far side of the universe – and quite a bit beyond that – a Crenorian fleet dropped out of hyperspace. It then proceeded, methodically and without too much of a fuss, to demolish a quiet and unassuming small planet where just moments before the magical myriad of molecules and circumstance had collided in a ‘just so’ manner to create what would eventually have evolved into intelligent life.

It didn’t. Instead, along with everything else on the planet, it was turned to a collection of space dust and debris in the name of military preparedness.

“Now how about we collect the debris and hurl it into the nearest sun?” Pondered Fleet Marshall Jolt, a broad grin spread across his face from gill to gill. His scales flashed iridescent in the dim light of the bridge and a sharp red tongue flicked from his mouth licking his thin dark lips.

A junior officer shuffled uncomfortably and informed Jolt that it was a practical impossibility though they could spend a few hours firing ion torpedoes at the larger remaining pieces of planet if that took his fancy.

“And are there any living things out there?” Jolt asked, staring out into the inky darkness of space as he stood legs akimbo and hands on hips looking, in his opinion – and this being the only opinion that actually mattered – quite impressive indeed.

“D-d-doubtful sir” the junior officer replied. “Pretty certain the exercise put pay to anything that might have been alone though early scans indicated that the planet was quite lifeless.”

“Hmm, that’s a shame. Would have been nice to do a little hunting.”

The junior officer continued to shuffle his feet uncomfortably. He wasn’t sure that he would class a planet killer class Crenorian warship’s vaporisation of an entire planet as ‘hunting’. He was certain however that he was not going to correct the Fleet Marshall.

“Unfortunate indeed sir. Shall I stand down the armoury for the time being.”

Joltz signed and turned slowly. “Yes I suppose you better if there isn’t anything else worth blowing up. Are you absolutely certain?”

“Afraid so. I’ll stand them down sir shall I.”

“You should probably stand the armoury down then…what was your name again?”

“Drax Sir. Fenorious Drax”

“Oh there is absolutely no way I intend to remember that.” Joltz turned back towards the darkness outside of the ship. “I don’t even know why I asked. Anyway, stand down the armoury for me will you. Looks like there’s nothing else to blow up.”

“Yes sir straight away” said Drax saluting with his clenched fist across his chest and spinning on his heels as he hurried from the bridge.

And it was at this precise moment an unfathomable distance away and then some at the far side of the universe that Cole received, by an apparent incalculable chance, instructions to set his faster than light drives to coordinates that just moments before was the home to a planet that was suddenly no longer there thanks to Fleet Marshall Joltz.

___________________________

That will probably be the end of that …for now. 🙂

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day Meh – Haircut

Snip snip buzz

Okay so strictly speaking we aren’t exactly locked down anymore. We have commenced with an experiment to see how many pub goers we can kill off which seemed to commence without too much drama at the weekend. London saw some dumbfuckery in particular and there were pockets of shenanigans country wide so now we wait to see what the impact of it will be.

Hairdressers and barbers also opened and against my better judgement me and the boys managed to get a slot at our local barber this afternoon. Asim moved into the area a few years ago and is a top chap and the boys have always enjoyed what he does to their hair so off we went.

During lockdown the eldest seems to have somehow grown a fringe that when brushed out goes below his chin. The youngest was looking like Boris Johnson on one of his particularly bad days. Not that the twat has good days, but hair wise imagine him at his blondest and most boufont…

Oh me you ask? Well I have half a Mohican (given I don’t have to go into the office any more) which I have been doing with an old beard trimmer so mostly look like a fat extra from a shit fan film version of Mad Max.

So a few hours and a couple of quid later (he has rightly put up the prices – now we know who the crucial people actually are in society) we are all shaven, coiffed, tidied and presentable. Mostly.

I decided to actually keep the Mohican and get him to do it properly. Looks a bit mental and like I have a dead animal on my head but meh, there’s a bloody apocalypse going on – it actually seems more appropriate than ever…Mrs Afterwards didn’t mind as much as I thought she would. Maybe that’s because we don’t really leave the house anymore…

Happy apocolypse! Stay Safe!

Dirty, dirty, oh so dirty Monday limerick

I like to think that one day it will come out that this is what’s on those secret Trump Tapes…

Trumpesque water sports fan, name of Trystin

Pretty mouth that he loved to have pissed in

Craved his balls to be squeezed

Nipples bit, clamped and teased

And on Tuesday’s a large handed fisting

Fireside

Blah blah blah…Limerick tomorrow I promise…

Your name is always on my lips, the fairest treat

The furnace heat, life’s love, stars intersection

We walk the chapel built of breathless whispers

Spend summer days in golden fields, love’s raw reflection, soft flesh yields

Rush headlong to oblivion, with not a care and no retreat.

And orchards ripe and bursting full, we lay beneath their shade

This promise made, devoured like sweetest fruits, head on my chest

Full moon nights, desires willed, of yearning filled

Are all I need, surrendering to secrets spilled

And winter’s icy fingers wrapped tight around my heart do fade

And now amongst the living do I find a way each day

The path to stay and memories once so lost I cling to dearly

Love’s winding path home leads so very clearly

To the door, and like before, you wait

I close the gate and know that I am home at last,

Did you know I wrote a book?

Seems I wrote one…

4th of April last year I posted this.  I actually forgot about it mostly.  I sold quite a few copies and had some good reviews and am rather quite proud of it.  I’m currently working on some other things right now…but below is the original post…It is wholly inappropriate by the way.  In a good way!

_____________________________________

I have written before about why I started my blog.  For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work.  Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.

Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.

Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks.  Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess.  Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”

Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’

Oh and I dedicated it to her too.  Seemed only right.

Paperback in the UK is here

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011

And in the US here

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011

–

UK E-Book can be preordered here for delivery on the 12th of April.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07QF58TYM

The US E-Book is here

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QF58TYM

Who’d have thought it eh…

Happy Blogday to me!

3 years old today!

Well, turns out I started my blog three years ago today!

The last year I have not been as active as I would have liked, and I will certainly attempt to remedy that this year, but what fun it has been. Over 1800 posts have made their way onto here and I have loved writing every one of them…

To those of you who have followed, liked, commented, inspired and tolerated me I thank you muchly. I feel I know so many of you so well through your work and its been a pleasure to read you and get to you know you whilst at the same time putting stuff out there which many of you seem to have enjoyed (despite knowing you really ought to probably not)…

Hopefully see a lot more of a lot more of you this next year.

Thanks always

Love

Michael

X

Thursday’s filthy limerick

One about a ladies cavernous front bum

A voluptuous temptress from Cuba

A vagina shaped quite like a tuba

And she would not delay

To allow you to play

Her, so wide was she, no need to lube her

Just work on the speed of that last line…it works I assure you .

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day Twelvtytwo – Renovations

I’ve got a house full of manly men…

About 3 weeks before lockdown we started a cellar renovations project that we had been planning since we moved into this house 15 years ago. The cellar compromises 3 rooms which we have used for storage and a play room for the kids when they were younger. We had a big screen and a projector down there for a few years which was pretty cool too.

It was never a really clean and tidy space though and had damp in places and lots of exposed pipework and wiring. So, after a few years of saving it was time to get the builder in and see what he could do. It was going to take a few months but we figured we could live with the mess for a short while and proceeded to box everything up we wanted to keep (and trash everything we didn’t).

Then we went into lockdown and everything stopped for a few months…

Whilst they are back now, and there isn’t long to go, it has certainly been an experience. We have patiently waited as they have done a great job in truly transforming the space and…even as I write this I am struggling to concentrate because someone is fucking drilling so loud in the room below me that I could just…Bloody hell get done already, you’ve been here since March!! Our living room barely has enough room to fit the four of us in, I cant actually even see the TV screen in a lot of the room because things are piled 5 foot high! And stop drinking chuffing cups of tea…build something damn it, anything. Hammer, cut, saw, plaster, shovel…I don’t care just do it. Do it NOW! Finish my fucking house you bloody buggering bastards!

Ahem…Anyway, here are a few progress photos of one of the rooms. Lots more to follow somewhen but it’s getting close to being done.

I think they just put the frigging Kettle on again! Twats!

Only kidding…I actually really do like them 🙂