Tag: blog

Still processing this…

They say confession is good for the soul but bad for the reputation.

I wrote here about things I am not good at.  Mostly to do with towels.

Anyway, turns out I dont know one superfood from the other either.

It is school holidays at the moment so I’m mostly spending time with the boys, not doing a lot but enjoying it nonetheless.  So we sit down and we are watching something on netflix and for whatever reason they serve up a serving of quinoa.  I believe it is pronounced Keen-wah.

Well I believe it now but until yesterday I had no bloody idea that is the same as that quinoa (Kwinoah?) stuff I force down my face when I am feeling particularly fat.

I honestly had no idea.  I mean one look at me abnd you’ll understand that I am don’t have a heavy keenwah intake but for whatever reason the fact just avoided me and I thought they were seperate things.

I told the family and they all laughed their arses off at me.  Even the 14 year old who’s brain only works between 11 and 2 each day and who is currently obsessed with knives and fire.

They then reminded me that until perhaps 8 years ago I had no idea that the spike in the end of an ointment cap is used to pierce the film lid.  Up until then I tended to use the outer prong of a fork though this did often result in something of a premature ointment explosion.

I reminded them that they were all garbage human beings and the 11 year old blonde one, fond of his facts and a bit of a know it all, ceased laughing most heartlily when I reminded him that he still couldn’t ride a bike and he better hope his hair darkens before he gets older because blonde haired male adults are just weird and creepy.

I wanted to say he would look like like a kiddy fiddler but showed some restraint when Mrs Afterwards gave me the look.

The even came to an abrupt end and we all had an early night after I suggested they eat my backside.  I know, wrong on so many levels and I know I ought to be ashamed of myself.

I blame it on the lack of keenwah in my diet…

 

 

 

 

Things I cannot do

We’re all shit in our own unique way.

There are things that I am good at which I am comfortable with.  I do a decent limerick, I”m shit hot with spreadsheets , and I make a bakewell tart so good that you’d likely let me touch you inappropriately just for a slice.  I think there are others but thise are the ones that spring to mind.

This though is not about my ability to make Microsoft Excel talk to you and tell you it wants to watch you take a pee.

This is about my inability to fold towels.

Well I can fold them but for the life of me I cannot get any of them the same bastard size.  It’s never been something I thought about much, intent as I was in the past to stack them in such a way as to make a pretty pyramid akin to the sort you get if you get a bundle as a gift.

God that’s a depressing thought in itself isn’t it.  A gift of towels.  Reminds me of the Christmas I found myself disappointed I never got any socks.  I died a bit inside that day I tell you.

I am also not talking making towels of vastly differing sizes fold to a similar footprint.  That would be stupid.  Hmm.  I think I’m still pretty crabby about it.

No, thing is Mrs Afterwards has this knack of folding all the varied towels and they all end up beign of a similar size and stack wonderfully and whilst she doesn’t admit it I know she is smug as fuck about it.  Well I would be if I had achieved such a feat.

Today I decided I would do the same and it did not go well.

Within ten minutes I happened to call a particularly tricky black bath sheet a bastard in front of the youngest, and followed that up by telling all the fluffy white ones to go screw themselves because even the ones of the same size refused to allow themselves to be folded to the same dimensions.

Eventually I rolled them all up instead like in a hotel but they didn’t fit on the stand in the bathroom so redid them just like one of those lovely stacks you get as a gift from your sister when you move into a new home.

Anyway, I imagine it is something passed down from mother to daughter but there is no way I am asking the missus.  I’d rather air dry.

That reminds me, does anyone know how to change a duvet cover.  Last time I did one I ended up with a prolapsed sphincter and a dislocated shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 

Balls to you October

See ya later!

 As Blogging months go I really didn’t enjoy October one bit.  It was filled with excuses and distractions and I found very little joy in the whole experience and got myself into a bit of a hole with it all.

I’ve been doing this since last July and I was certainly at my least inspired and uncreative but I wont go as far as to call it writer’s block because there would be the presumption that I am a writer and that is something I just cant really come to terms with.  It was more a matter of not being able to quite find the time to do it properly.

I started a new job a short while ago so am actually having to work for my money which is a real pain in the arse I tell you and at night I was finding myself far too weary when I eventually sat in front of the keyboard so mostly I just went to sleep instead or sulked a bit. 

Now the urges and ideas were still there that wasn’t the problem.  My head is always full of dirty limericks and images of stick people finger banging each other and I am never short of an idea for a bit of a story but time just seemed to conspire against me.  Or at least I let it.

Interestingly my diet also suffered during the month which I wrote about here and I think maybe that was part of the problem.  My discipline in general had gone to pot and across the board I was finding myself unproductive and rather jaded and allowing myself to find excuses wherever they presented themselves.

Anyway, as November loomed I decided bollocks to the excuses and given that I was off today planted my arse in front of the laptop for the day and forced myself to get back on the horse I have so enjoyed riding this last year.  I forced myself to write whatever old bollocks I could muster and you know what, I have enjoyed it immensely.  It’s hardly great stuff but it’s my stuff and I cracked a smile when I did it and I felt rather relaxed by it all which is great because It has caused me some stress at times  which is just ridiculous.

Ive managed maybe ten pieces today which is great but mostly I have enjoyed feeling creative again.  Yes I didn’t feed the kids and absolutely I should have made them do something productive instead of leaving them to do whatever it is they got up to all day, but it was more important for me to do what I needed to do because I far less grumpy and dickish when I am being creative.  I never received any notifications that I had been charged for anything so I think I got away lightly.

I think November will be better.   

Just some random photos from March

No theme, just things that caught my fancy this month…

Another month of cold miserable weather here and a lot of rugby watching freezing my backside off but there is just something about live sport which I love.  I dont care the level, I would always choose a live game over anything on the TV.  I just adore being out in the cold all wrapped up watching other people knock lumps out of one another.

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Click.  Weather channel

soaring temperatures forecast

sploosh.  Need new trousers.

 

Actirasty
Yup, turns out some people get all splooshy and feel aroused by the sun’s rays.  Living in England I guess there is very little chance of me exploding all over my good work trousers because of a prolonged period of pleasant weather.  I don’t really know how this one works to be honest.  Is sun burn the holy grail of acrirastists?  Is sun screen a major turnoff?

Maybe this is made up.  But then it can’t be as it’s on the internet and the internet doesn’t lie.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 12th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

 

Razor discarded

nature in all her glory 

rum rampant run free

Pubephilia
So turns out it is the arousal to pubic hair.  Now I don’t know not whether folk are excited by particular styles, they might well be, I didn’t research much further than that.  It is fairly obvious the route it would go down, starting at brazilians and ending in the use of the phrase ‘classic 70’s muff’.  I wont waste anyone’s time.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 5th of January

I don’t mean offence.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Only got one arm?

tell me you were born like that

I need a moment

Hey I don’t mean me there okay just a metaphorical me in the name of the haiku.  The more I research this stuff the more bizarre it gets.  I get that the heart wants what the heart wants and a very good friend mine, a strapping handsome lad of 6ft plus, is married to a hunchback dwarf.  She is lovely and they have been together forever, have a kid and have always seemed very much in love and rather happy.

Now I dont think he’s with her because of the differences though, he doesn’t seem the type of chap.  Then again I might not know him at all and he might be a right dirty bastard who only wants her because of her hump and short stature and loves nothing more than twirling her around at the end of a long day.

Hmm.  Nah, she wouldnt let him shes rather feisty.  And, if it was a proper fetish I reckon he would need more than one hunchback dwarf in his life.

Oh it’s all very confusing.

 

 

 

Teratophilia is the arousal to the congenitally deformed

6 months of shenannigans

Well that flew by…

I started this blog without really thinking too much about it.  I started to write with no real intention other than to see what would come out of me, and what has come out of me so far are 467 posts in 184 days.  Occasionally I posted nothing, and on one particularly mad day I posted 14 times but mostly I just decided to write and see where that lead me.

Somewhere in there are stats which tell me I now have 370 followers, 16000 plus views, 7500 likes and around 5000 visitors.  I dont know if they’re good or not and they’re not the ones I look for for the most part, the one in particular that I look for most is the number of comments because I see those as a real indicator of engagement with people, and that is something I have really enjoyed which I did not expect at all.

People have been incredibly encouraging along the way and as I have got to know writers such as Mel, Walt, Linda, M, Dronsta, Ward, Leigha, Roda, Fandango, Penny, Dorinda and many more it has certainly helped me to keep scribbling away.  I must also thank my wife who has been hugely encouraging and frightfully patient despite the rather shocking nature of some of the stuff I have churned out.

I have also enjoyed reading other people’s work far more than I expected and there are some wonderfully engaging and talented people out there.  I dont get to read everyone as much as I would like and I probably do not read everybody that I should but I think we all struggle with that.

So what next?

Well I think I will just keep going and see where that leads me.  More of the same old stuff I enjoy writing and perhaps some new stuff as I challenge myself and hopefully along the the way you will continue to enjoy the words I produce and the order in which I produce them.

If I was to give anyone advice, and I dont propose to be in any position to tell anyone how to do anything, but if I was to after my 6 months of writing it would be this.

Just write about the things you are passionate about and which make you happy.  Find your voice and go with it, it’s what makes you unique.

x

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 26/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Down, arse over tit

slumped at the foot of the stairs

throbbing arousal

Climacophilia is, by all accounts, an arousal to falling down stairs.  How one finds this out I do not know.  Did someone tumble on something left on the stairs and by the time they dusted themselves off at the bottom they found themselves a little moist and in the mood for a long bath with some Kenny G playing?

People are forever tumbling downstairs after tripping on skateboards in cartoons, which leads me to thinking that perhaps it is not just hi-jinks and tomfoolery but in fact deviance and the work of mucky little filth mongers.

As if tumbling down a flight of stairs isn’t dangerous enough it is most definitely not something one would surely advocate sporting a throbbing erection.

What?  Don’t look at me – I am only sharing what is out there.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 20/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

Deep penetration

driven hard, right on target

to the heart of you

 

It seems that some people find ARCHERY a turn on.  Can you believe that?  Archery?  Its hardly riveting as a sport so god alone knows how it’s stimulating enough to get you all riled up enough to need to drop your trousers and service yourself whilst watching the Olympic games.

It has a name too.  TOXOPHILIA.

People…seriously…

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku – 15 December

I want to F-F-F-Fu-Fu

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Psellismophilia

Just imagine the scene.  She undresses, he watches her.  She begins to speak…

I wa-wa-wa-want

To t-t-take you and then

lick you d-d-d

and at that point the whole thing was apparently over and done with in a right old sticky mess.  Who knew, but it is by all accounts the arousal when confronted with stuttering.

My final Fetish Haiku – Somnophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Somnophilia

And I think most likely the last of these.   Too much of a good thing and all that business right.

 

Eyes closed breath gently

Hes watching through your window

Seems a bit rapey

 

Apparently some find it quite trouser stiffening to enjoy watching others sleep or when theyre unconscious.  It feels really ominous to me and I dont really envisage someone lying awake watching the love of their life sleeping peacefully.  I’m thinking more someone outside your bedroom window in the bushes masturbating furiously whilst you and your significant other sleep and then emptying themselves all over your hydrangas and ruining your well kept borders.

I think I said too much…

Fetish Haiku – Gerontophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Droopy, saggy, pale

Pendulous appendages

Moist wrinkly crevice

 

Ooh god that’s quite bloody awful.  Turns out some folk go mad for old folk.  Older the better.  Like way older than your mum or your gran probably.  Think about it.

Did you?  Yeah? You can never unsee that now!

Anyway, sweet dreams x

E is for Ectoplasm

Her name is Rio and she apparently dances on the sand

If you’re of a certain age and have had a proper upbringing you will know that E is for ectoplasm.  You will also know that ectoplasm is from Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters is one of the greatest films ever made.

That should be the end of the post really.

These alphabet things seem to be turning into streams of consciousness for me and oddly they seem to lead me back to the eighties in some ways, a time which I will admit to having problems remembering.  It’s all a bit hazy and feels a lifetime ago but as I write and ponder on things they start to come back to me slowly.

Perhaps it is because there is little in my life which leads me back to that time.  I grew up in Africa and have little or no contact with people from back them so seldom have cause to think about it.

So ectoplasm got me to thinking of Ghostbusters which led me to remembering that I first watched it at a drive in theatre in a place called Evander in South Africa.  A few of us had hitch hiked there with our sleeping bags and Granville’s dad picked us afterwards and as clear as day I can now remember him asking his son if he had slipped a certain young lady the tongue.

He hadn’t, that I remember too.  Not for lack of trying I am sure.

Anyway, this turned out different to what I was intending to write but I will go with it, why not.

Tomorrow, F is for Fat

D is for Duran Duran

Her name is Rio and she apparently dances on the sand

I’ll be buggered if I know why I wrote ’D is for Duran Duran’ yesterday, but I did.  Well not literally, I think that would be pretty harsh by way of action to be taken if I do at some point happen to remember.

I must have some subconscious Duran Duran issues to be worked through.

I do recall going to a disco in someone’s garage in Secunda in South Africa when I was about 13 and all they played was ‘Reflex’ by DD and Locomotion by OMD.  Like just those two songs all night long.  I recall I was terrified at the thought of dancing so remained mostly outside and a couple of the lads tried to put of aspirin in a coke can and get the girls to drink it because they believe it would make them super horny.

Looking back that is suddenly quite sinister and rather rapey isn’t it.  No wonder we are having all these issues at the moment with sex pests and deviant artistic types.

Needless to say it didn’t work but my mate Granville did get to snog Sian Williams as I recall.  They were both particularly tall and rather well suited to one another on that basis alone.

I also recall the first time I saw the ‘Wild Boys’ video.  Oh god did you see it?  Where you there?  It was a freaking event the likes of which you just don’t see these days.  One of the lads turned up with it on a VHS cassette and we shared it around just in awe.  We all wanted to be Simon Le Bonne.  Apart from one of the lads wanted to be Nick Rhodes.  In later years we discovered why.  You have to remember this was South Africa in the eighties.  A whole other world, but I will probably write about that when I get to ‘S for Secunda’.

Thinking back, I can also remember the first time I went to a cinema over there.  It was 1987 and we had to travel an hour and a half on a school  to Pretoria to watch Living Daylights.  I recall an argument and insisting, quite incorrectly, that the there tune was done by Duran Duran when in fact it was A-HA.

I also remember that was the first time I ever went to a Pizza Hut.   Funny the things you recall.

 

Tomorrow, E is for Ectoplasm

C is for Christmas

For me it starts once I have seen the coke advert…

I was unsure as to whether posting on the matter of Christmas was a little premature, but I saw the Coco-Cola advert last night so for me that is the traditional beginning of Christmas and a green light to write about it.

Actually, I should confess that our family Christmas traditions started week before last.  Each Sunday in the run up to Christmas we watch one of the Harry Potter films, and by the time they’re all done the big day is upon us.  I just think there’s something about the films that screams Christmas plus it gives us a chance to curl up in front of the fire on a gloomy English Sunday afternoon and spend time together with the kids who, as they get older, are often keen to be anywhere else.

While I am at it I have another confession.  On Sunday we had our first family Christmas get together.  Now I know it is only mid November but my Dad works in Kazakhstan much of the year and this was the last chance we had to get together before he goes away until the new year so we had lunch (not a festive one as the Christmas menu was not yet out) and exchanged gifts.  This has become something of a tradition in recent years, and we now seldom meet over the Christmas period.

Funny you know, but I had intended for this to be something of a rant about the things I don’t like about Christmas – and there are many, but over recent years I have learned to enjoy it more than I ever did, and I think perhaps it is because as a family we are making our own traditions and not simply slotting in with other peoples.

Yes we see our families and friends, but when it works for us instead of it feeling like an obligation.  It’s selfish perhaps, but sometimes it is important to consider what you need first because just pleasing others at your own expense isn’t always a good thing, as selfless as it might seem.

Do you have any traditions that you’re excited about?

Anyway, see you tomorrow for ‘D is for Duran Duran’

B is for Balls

This is serious stuff, and not wholly unpleasant…

A few weeks ago I went to Leeds to see this chap who quite tenderly caressed my testicles and probed my bottom.

Okay, now that I have your attention I will clarify that it was part of a health assessment and the chap was most qualified to do so given the certificate on the wall.  He also had a white coat and a stethoscope, so that pretty much qualifies him to do what the dickens he fancies to my tender parts.

I would say that the certificate  didn’t specifically mention those activities, that would just be weird, but it all  looked particularly official so I just assumed it covered it.

My point is, and it is a serious one, that many men neglect these things and end up dead.

There are some pretty harrowing figures out there on the matter of men’s health.  Did you know that 1 in 8 men in the UK will get prostate cancer in their lives?  It is the most common cancer in men in the UK, and yet so many of us do nothing about it in terms of prevention.

What’s the point you ask?  My point is don’t neglect your health gents. You might actually find that you enjoy it, you never know.

Head over to www.prostatecanceruk.org if you want more information.

 

Tomorrow: C is for Christmas

A is for arseholes

Welcome my alphabet of thoughts.

The world is full of them, we all know that. Pompous, annoying and wholly unpleasant individuals who, if you could get away with it or were rather good at fighting, you would happily punch in their man-vagina. Turn around, I bet there is one near you right now.

He’s probably a loud mouth breather or perhaps he’s cooking fish in the office microwave whilst talking loudly about something pointless. I don’t know you or the circles you move in so you may even be in proximity to someone who’s rather fond of molesting prospective actors, some drunk and others not. You might just move in lofty circles indeed and you can see a vagina grabbing orange faced buffoon or a man of god senate elect who’s rather fond of fourteen year olds from where you’re sitting.

The point is they are everywhere.

I say him, it could well be a her, but my experience is that arseholes tend to be primarily male.

Let me give you an example. On the way into work this morning there was a spandex clad one on a bicycle who insisted on weaving dangerously between traffic causing the impatient driver arseholes in their cars to beep, swerve and drive dangerously to pass him almost wiping out one of those dog walking types who probably lets their dog shit everywhere for my kids to step in and drag it into my car making it smell like the bottom of a rottweiler. And exhale…

It really was a veritable cornucopia of arseholes. Unless there is a better collective noun for them. What about ‘a clench’ or perhaps ‘a puckering’.

Anyway, onto my rather laboured point. The world is full of them, in fact we have a glut, so try not to be one today, and I will too.

Tomorrow: B is for balls

My 100th Post

I started my blog about 7 or so weeks ago, and as it turns out this is my 100th post.

I started my blog about 7 or so weeks ago, and as it turns out this is my 100th post.  I had envisaged that it would be something special but mostly it is a reflection of my experience to date trying my hand at writing.  With the exception of the last week, being on holiday as I was and deciding not to write, I have had an absolute blast churning out whatever springs to mind.

I have not given any of it too much thought really, and seldom have I edited anything preferring instead to enjoy the pleasure of getting ideas out there and finding out what I enjoyed doing most.  Along the way it seems some people have enjoyed some of what I have done which I will admit has been hugely encouraging.  I am still unsure of what I really prefer writing so will continue to dabble until I decide what to focus on next.

Finding time to write has on occasion proven difficult but generally I manage to grab an hour or two at night and will type through my lunch at work if I am feeling really excited about an idea.  I am looking at trying to establish a better writing routine as my desire to write ludicrous haiku is now to blame for the amount of time it has taken to paint the hall.

When I started I would simply sit down and type, but of late I’ve started keeping a little leather bound book with me to jot down ideas and explore thoughts which has proven particularly useful.

On occasion my phone will beep away as people read and comment on my posts.  I haven’t paid too much attention to the numbers, but checking today I can see that I have generated more than 3200 views from 1040 visitors and 1330 likes.   Readers from 68 countries have taken a peek at what I have been doing which I thought was pretty cool.   I seem to have about 150 followers too but that includes about 10 from twitter where I publish things to but I don’t really understand twitter very well so really must take a look at that at some point.

WordPress has certainly lead me to reading a lot more too, with so many people to follow I’ve never been short of ways to pass the time and there are some fabulous writers out there which have given me inspiration.  I have also loved participating in a load of the challenges out there, and in July I did the Daily Prompt every single day which I find a real catalyst.  Each day I also try and respond to one of a number of challenges by other writers as they have given me great ideas too.  Ill be listing those out in a future post!

So what will be the next 100 be on I ask myself?  I’ve no idea though have a few ideas that I want to flesh out to try and do something more substantial whilst also continuing with the silly things like my limericks and haiku which I do so enjoy.

So, whether you’ve been part of my inspiration as a write or a reader, thanks so very much, I’m looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me next!