My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Click.  Weather channel

soaring temperatures forecast

sploosh.  Need new trousers.

 

Actirasty
Yup, turns out some people get all splooshy and feel aroused by the sun’s rays.  Living in England I guess there is very little chance of me exploding all over my good work trousers because of a prolonged period of pleasant weather.  I don’t really know how this one works to be honest.  Is sun burn the holy grail of acrirastists?  Is sun screen a major turnoff?

Maybe this is made up.  But then it can’t be as it’s on the internet and the internet doesn’t lie.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 12th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

 

Razor discarded

nature in all her glory 

rum rampant run free

Pubephilia
So turns out it is the arousal to pubic hair.  Now I don’t know not whether folk are excited by particular styles, they might well be, I didn’t research much further than that.  It is fairly obvious the route it would go down, starting at brazilians and ending in the use of the phrase ‘classic 70’s muff’.  I wont waste anyone’s time.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 5th of January

I don’t mean offence.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Only got one arm?

tell me you were born like that

I need a moment

Hey I don’t mean me there okay just a metaphorical me in the name of the haiku.  The more I research this stuff the more bizarre it gets.  I get that the heart wants what the heart wants and a very good friend mine, a strapping handsome lad of 6ft plus, is married to a hunchback dwarf.  She is lovely and they have been together forever, have a kid and have always seemed very much in love and rather happy.

Now I dont think he’s with her because of the differences though, he doesn’t seem the type of chap.  Then again I might not know him at all and he might be a right dirty bastard who only wants her because of her hump and short stature and loves nothing more than twirling her around at the end of a long day.

Hmm.  Nah, she wouldnt let him shes rather feisty.  And, if it was a proper fetish I reckon he would need more than one hunchback dwarf in his life.

Oh it’s all very confusing.

 

 

 

Teratophilia is the arousal to the congenitally deformed

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 26/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Down, arse over tit

slumped at the foot of the stairs

throbbing arousal

Climacophilia is, by all accounts, an arousal to falling down stairs.  How one finds this out I do not know.  Did someone tumble on something left on the stairs and by the time they dusted themselves off at the bottom they found themselves a little moist and in the mood for a long bath with some Kenny G playing?

People are forever tumbling downstairs after tripping on skateboards in cartoons, which leads me to thinking that perhaps it is not just hi-jinks and tomfoolery but in fact deviance and the work of mucky little filth mongers.

As if tumbling down a flight of stairs isn’t dangerous enough it is most definitely not something one would surely advocate sporting a throbbing erection.

What?  Don’t look at me – I am only sharing what is out there.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 20/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

Deep penetration

driven hard, right on target

to the heart of you

 

It seems that some people find ARCHERY a turn on.  Can you believe that?  Archery?  Its hardly riveting as a sport so god alone knows how it’s stimulating enough to get you all riled up enough to need to drop your trousers and service yourself whilst watching the Olympic games.

It has a name too.  TOXOPHILIA.

People…seriously…

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku – 15 December

I want to F-F-F-Fu-Fu

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Psellismophilia

Just imagine the scene.  She undresses, he watches her.  She begins to speak…

I wa-wa-wa-want

To t-t-take you and then

lick you d-d-d

and at that point the whole thing was apparently over and done with in a right old sticky mess.  Who knew, but it is by all accounts the arousal when confronted with stuttering.

Head, shoulders, knees and oooh yeah baby.

So it turned out rather rude in parts…

I wrote this in response to something of a request from M.  Kinda.  Sort of.  I am pretty sure the comments goaded me into it.  Not that I take much encouragement on such things.  I am always willing to give things a try.  It probably goes too far… 🙂


Theres this woman it seems, met the man of her dreams

rather handsome and quite well to do

and they went on hot dates and they stayed out so late

so exciting being with someone new

 

Over time things progressed, and one hight she confessed

“no more waiting, I think that it’s time

let’s go back to your place” and they set off at pace

she was ready for pleasure devine

 

As she watched him undress, buttocks firm rock hard chest

pulse it raced then he ripped off her clothes

ran his hand up her thigh, made her groan squeal and sigh

goosebumps down from her head to her toes

 

Then he kissed every inch, gave her bottom a pinch

worked his way north to south quite intent

then he stopped at her feet, remarked “Oh what a treat”

but too long way down there he then spent

 

“Bloody hell” she proclaimed, his loins somewhat aflame

as he tongued, toe by toe, each in turn

and he sucked every one but her passion was gone

though her feet he continued to yearn

 

Ran his tongue ‘twixt her toes, “Oh please stop” she then goes

on to say “get your mouth off my feet!”

but he gobbles and licks, groans and then slowly spits

“Oh please baby they’re just quite a treat”

 

“How about this ” he asks, and she’s taken aback

“A caress with your soles quite divine

“I’ll lay back, use your feet, It will be quite a treat

up and down, and I’ll thrust up in time”

 

But she’s really quite shocked at the thought of his cock

‘tween her feet and she shouts “No, no, no!

How’d we get here so fast?  I don’t think it will last

get your clothes please I think you should go…”

 

“Baby please dont’ you know, it’s quite normal and so

many people like licking of toes

It’s my thing no big deal, give it time and you’ll feel

quite at home with just where my tongue goes”

 

“Not a chance” she replies, realises and sighs

“this won’t work out”.  Alas, such regret

As he dresses to go, “kiss goodbye?” she says “No!”

as his breath’s like old cheese, poo and sweat.

 

So quite sad, it’s the end and she calls up a friend

and explains that he’s gone and it’s done

and though he was very sweet his obsession with feet

not for her and just weird, not fun…

 

My final Fetish Haiku – Somnophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Somnophilia

And I think most likely the last of these.   Too much of a good thing and all that business right.

 

Eyes closed breath gently

Hes watching through your window

Seems a bit rapey

 

Apparently some find it quite trouser stiffening to enjoy watching others sleep or when theyre unconscious.  It feels really ominous to me and I dont really envisage someone lying awake watching the love of their life sleeping peacefully.  I’m thinking more someone outside your bedroom window in the bushes masturbating furiously whilst you and your significant other sleep and then emptying themselves all over your hydrangas and ruining your well kept borders.

I think I said too much…

Fetish Haiku – Gerontophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Droopy, saggy, pale

Pendulous appendages

Moist wrinkly crevice

 

Ooh god that’s quite bloody awful.  Turns out some folk go mad for old folk.  Older the better.  Like way older than your mum or your gran probably.  Think about it.

Did you?  Yeah? You can never unsee that now!

Anyway, sweet dreams x

Fetish Haiku – Oculolictus

I think you have something in your eye

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Blue eyes like deep pools

Pink tongue caressing gently

Warm salty tears

 

Oculolictus, also known as worming is all about getting off by licking your partners eyeball.  It’s funny you know but when I was in the army a lifetime ago I recall being told that the best way to get dirt out of someone’s eye was by using your mouth.  Oh shit…

Fetish Haiku – Melissaphilia

I should tell the joke about the woman who asks her lover why is your organ so small. He replies “I didn’t know I was playing in a cathedral.”

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.


Oh to feel your sting

Delicious striped temptation

Drink of my nectar


Melissaphilia is by all accounts the sexual attraction to Bees and Wasps.  I…well it’s…actually no I have nothing.  Not a sausage.

Fetish Haiku – Chasmophilia

I should tell the joke about the woman who asks her lover why is your organ so small. He replies “I didn’t know I was playing in a cathedral.”

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Wide gaping empty

Beckons needing to be filled

Let me fill your holes

 

Eeuw that is actually kinda really dirty.  Sorry.

 

Chasmophilia, and I kid you not, is an attraction or arousal to or brought on by chasms, gorges, gulleys, valleys, caves and other geological forms of emptiness.  I’m guessing it’s all about filling those gaping holes…Hot!

Fetish Haiku – Xylophilia

Got wood?

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Xylophilia

Oh sultry two by four

Hard length between my fingers

Knotty pine temptress

 

Xylophilia is an attraction to wood.  Not man-wood, I’m talking Beech, Birch, Oak and such. Whatever makes u happy I reckon…

Fetish Haiku – Metrophilia

This is apparently a thing too.

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Metrophilia

Oh write me an ode

sweet verse to make me explode

Hot loins to unload

Poetry. Not apparently just dirty stuff but just poetry. Oh this is all frightfully confusing. I know haiku shouldn’t rhyme but I thought I would because of reasons.

Fetish Haiku – Maschalagnia

Musky appeal

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun.  If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Maschalagnia

Head down inhaling

hot musky heady odours

tangy on the tongue

 

Armpits.  Some people are get all amorous for pits.  Fair enough I guess.

Fetish Haiku – Formicophilia

I am too scared to google this any more than I have

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun.  If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Formicophilia.

Skin crawling, writhing

slowly up the water spout

delicious creepies

 

Look I’m not sure if I am being had here but the internet reckons its all to do with become aroused by insects crawling on you.  I know, I’m not sure about it but Im not researching any further in-case someone looks over my shoulder and sees what I am googling.  Give a new meaning to incey-wincey spider though right…

Fetish Haiku – Emetophilia

I will only do these for a week or so I promise.

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun.  If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Emitophilia

Regurgitating

pulse racing, licking of lips

slow, breathless, retching

 

 

 

Turns out the idea of watching someone vomit is trouser stiffening for some folk.  I shit you not.  Who’d have thought eh.  Maybe your neighbours are emitophiliacs?  No?  You never know don’t be so sure.

Only another 4 to go after this dont worry.

Fetish Haiku – Forniphilia

I will only do these for a week or so I promise.

Read here if youre wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku.”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun.  If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Forniphilia

 

Be my slutty chaisse

my dirty coffee table

sweet filthy futon.

 

Okay so when I first saw this one I read the following:

Forniphilia Turning a human being into a piece of furniture

I now know it’s more than that but I wrote the haiku before investigating and I kind of reckon I will just leave it at that.

Fetish Haiku – Liquidophilia

I will only do these for a week or so I promise.

I was prompted by one of my regular readers to perhaps explore the world of fetish in haiku form.  Well it was something like that, I don’t recall exactly but before you know it I am googling the most astonishing things and writing small Japanese poems about them.  I know they’re not strictly haiku – they do though have the haiku structure.

Some of stuff I have heard of but a lot of it took me somewhat by surprise.  I am rather concerned over the search history on my phone because it is pure filth.  All in the name of research mind.

Anyway, I shall leave it up to you to google the title below if you dare.

 

Liquidophilia

You filthy bugger

get them out my bloody pint

wet dripping bollocks