Erotic Sentiments – In the Dark 9

I thought perhaps I would turn my hand to a spot of erotic fiction…

Another month of M’s writing prompts lies ahead.  I did them all in December but was less successful in January.  Let’s see how we do in February shall we.

You can see the prompts here.


I thought perhaps I would turn my hand to a spot of erotic fiction for this prompt piece but realised that I would need to be serious and found it rather difficult.

There I am trying to create the right mood for you the reader but before I know it I am throwing in words willy nilly such as throbbing, veined and moist.

“You’re better than that Michael” I tell myself sternly and quickly follow it with a paragraph where I choose to toss in engorged, breathless and arched in quick succession.

“No one needs that, the 50 shades phase has passed” I insist (though Mrs Michael did go to the cinema the other night to watch it) before attempting a scene where a white cotton shirt is ripped asunder exposing a smooth taut chest.

I had to do a spot of research on the matter and by the time I was done my description of the smoothness of the aforementioned chest was such that it made it sound like it was that of a child and I quickly deleted it because no one wants to read about children ripping anything asunder never mind nice cotton shirts.

My browser was also full of dark curly haired fellow looking wistfully into the distance whilst their shirts flapped in the wind.

At this point I am thinking I will give it one last go but I found myself overusing the letter ‘m’ in my ‘mmmmm’ and realised that I had no idea what I was doing, the female in the piece sounded like she had a really bad cold and that not only should I pack it in and go fill the dishwasher or empty the bins but I should delete all trace of the piece entirely just in case one of the kids stumbles upon it.

I really don’t know my vulva from my Volvo and I wouldn’t want tmy boys having to ask why nice Mrs Chambers from number 4 was having her Volvo examined by the postman.  He’s a nice enough chap but not sure he knows much about cars.

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Click.  Weather channel

soaring temperatures forecast

sploosh.  Need new trousers.

 

Actirasty
Yup, turns out some people get all splooshy and feel aroused by the sun’s rays.  Living in England I guess there is very little chance of me exploding all over my good work trousers because of a prolonged period of pleasant weather.  I don’t really know how this one works to be honest.  Is sun burn the holy grail of acrirastists?  Is sun screen a major turnoff?

Maybe this is made up.  But then it can’t be as it’s on the internet and the internet doesn’t lie.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 12th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

 

Razor discarded

nature in all her glory 

rum rampant run free

Pubephilia
So turns out it is the arousal to pubic hair.  Now I don’t know not whether folk are excited by particular styles, they might well be, I didn’t research much further than that.  It is fairly obvious the route it would go down, starting at brazilians and ending in the use of the phrase ‘classic 70’s muff’.  I wont waste anyone’s time.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 5th of January

I don’t mean offence.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Only got one arm?

tell me you were born like that

I need a moment

Hey I don’t mean me there okay just a metaphorical me in the name of the haiku.  The more I research this stuff the more bizarre it gets.  I get that the heart wants what the heart wants and a very good friend mine, a strapping handsome lad of 6ft plus, is married to a hunchback dwarf.  She is lovely and they have been together forever, have a kid and have always seemed very much in love and rather happy.

Now I dont think he’s with her because of the differences though, he doesn’t seem the type of chap.  Then again I might not know him at all and he might be a right dirty bastard who only wants her because of her hump and short stature and loves nothing more than twirling her around at the end of a long day.

Hmm.  Nah, she wouldnt let him shes rather feisty.  And, if it was a proper fetish I reckon he would need more than one hunchback dwarf in his life.

Oh it’s all very confusing.

 

 

 

Teratophilia is the arousal to the congenitally deformed

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 26/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Down, arse over tit

slumped at the foot of the stairs

throbbing arousal

Climacophilia is, by all accounts, an arousal to falling down stairs.  How one finds this out I do not know.  Did someone tumble on something left on the stairs and by the time they dusted themselves off at the bottom they found themselves a little moist and in the mood for a long bath with some Kenny G playing?

People are forever tumbling downstairs after tripping on skateboards in cartoons, which leads me to thinking that perhaps it is not just hi-jinks and tomfoolery but in fact deviance and the work of mucky little filth mongers.

As if tumbling down a flight of stairs isn’t dangerous enough it is most definitely not something one would surely advocate sporting a throbbing erection.

What?  Don’t look at me – I am only sharing what is out there.

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 20/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

Deep penetration

driven hard, right on target

to the heart of you

 

It seems that some people find ARCHERY a turn on.  Can you believe that?  Archery?  Its hardly riveting as a sport so god alone knows how it’s stimulating enough to get you all riled up enough to need to drop your trousers and service yourself whilst watching the Olympic games.

It has a name too.  TOXOPHILIA.

People…seriously…

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku – 15 December

I want to F-F-F-Fu-Fu

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Psellismophilia

Just imagine the scene.  She undresses, he watches her.  She begins to speak…

I wa-wa-wa-want

To t-t-take you and then

lick you d-d-d

and at that point the whole thing was apparently over and done with in a right old sticky mess.  Who knew, but it is by all accounts the arousal when confronted with stuttering.

My final Fetish Haiku – Somnophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Somnophilia

And I think most likely the last of these.   Too much of a good thing and all that business right.

 

Eyes closed breath gently

Hes watching through your window

Seems a bit rapey

 

Apparently some find it quite trouser stiffening to enjoy watching others sleep or when theyre unconscious.  It feels really ominous to me and I dont really envisage someone lying awake watching the love of their life sleeping peacefully.  I’m thinking more someone outside your bedroom window in the bushes masturbating furiously whilst you and your significant other sleep and then emptying themselves all over your hydrangas and ruining your well kept borders.

I think I said too much…

Fetish Haiku – Gerontophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Droopy, saggy, pale

Pendulous appendages

Moist wrinkly crevice

 

Ooh god that’s quite bloody awful.  Turns out some folk go mad for old folk.  Older the better.  Like way older than your mum or your gran probably.  Think about it.

Did you?  Yeah? You can never unsee that now!

Anyway, sweet dreams x

Fetish Haiku – Oculolictus

I think you have something in your eye

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Blue eyes like deep pools

Pink tongue caressing gently

Warm salty tears

 

Oculolictus, also known as worming is all about getting off by licking your partners eyeball.  It’s funny you know but when I was in the army a lifetime ago I recall being told that the best way to get dirt out of someone’s eye was by using your mouth.  Oh shit…