Shall we??
A few that were lying about…
Secret Santa? No?
You make baby Jesus cry
Ebeneezer scrooge!
Doing shots, fun times
Chug chug, life of the party
threw up on the bed
Got the kids a dog
cavorting, barks of delight
urine stained carpets
Taking out the trash
cabbage juice on my good shoes
bloody cheap bin Bags
life…love…repeat
Soul mates, united
Made one across space and time
Different yet the same
One about having your hands cut off by the taliban.
Chap from Mosul played drums in a band
so the Taliban cut off each hand
But it all worked out fine
Said his wife, “it’s divine
Cos for scratching my back your hook’s grand”
Three for the price of one. A truly filthy bargain.
Okay…three for the price of one today…There was a young fellow from China
Met this lass with a massive vagina
he would rattle inside
she would say “It’s so wide,
try my butt hole, you wont find one finer”For every vagina based limerick I feel it should be balanced out with a penis based one. Just for good measure.A well endowed fellow called Scott
has a dick he could tie in a knot
animals he could make,
dogs, swords, flowers or snake
some girls found it incredibly hotAnd one more for good measure…lad I know, poor thing – anus quite wrecked
he hit forty so prostate got checked
turned out loved it so much
craved it poked, drilled and touched
far more pleasure that one might expect
Another day another limerick
A serial killer called Ned
Obeyed voices that screamed in his head
Then one day he just changed
And is no more deranged
Now writes food blogs on WordPress instead
It is never too late to send children back. Apparently.
“You’re adopted” says father to son
“and I’ve just had a chat to your mum
It’s just not working out
we don’t want you about
this parenting lark’s just no fun.”
Dentist time, open wide!
A cross eyed young dentist called Steven
had teeth that stuck out, most uneven
he could not understand
when he smiled, shook their hand
His customer got up and were leavin’
It’s all you get until the end of June. Just limericks. Because why not.
A butcher from Leeds who loved pies
Cant resist them, though trust me tries
Now his belly’s quite round
and his man boobs profound
and you should see the size of his thighs
Gotta look your best when you’re out killing people
Once a Tailor, and serial killer
Found pale soft skin quite the thriller
They would scream, how it hurts
As he turned them to shirts
And smart trousers, that he’d wear to dinner
Hallmark-esque
Heard you’re sick, quite unwell, chesty wheeze
Get well soon and stay hydrated, please
Hope you’re soon on the mend
It’s quite gross, can’t pretend
As your bum still explodes when you sneeze
The heart wants what the heart wants
Once a vicar with darkest of cravings
Spent church money on dark misbehaving
Bought crack, liquor, and whores
And rent boys by the scores
Who he claimed he’d intended on saving
A little light haiku relief…
Proof that haiku do not always have to be serious…
The life of the clown
by day bringing joy, by night
he’s under your bed
night time toilet trip
lights out, think I saw a clown
run back to bed scared
Long hair and tight jeans
he watches her walk and lusts
bugger, it’s a bloke!
hot tea before bed
up three times throughout the night
Damn old man’s bladder!
A rude one about a woman and her need for a particularly large penis.
A cavernous lass, quite pedantic
who insisted on cocks most gigantic
No nine inchers for her
(unless girth) she don’t care
Only upwards of twelve get her frantic
I should be better than this, I know…
A closeted fellow called Bryan
Said he didn’t like cock but was tryin’
So so hard to resist
Tip the size of a fist
Big thick shaft, massive balls, oh he’s lyin’
A love addled fellow called Victor
Knew this lass, in his dreams kissed and licked her
But she flatly refused
To be courted or woo’d
So alone, wanks to her facebook picture
A limerick for you
Friend of mine tells of this chap she dated
Whos bum play need could not be sated
She’d spend hours, days, weeks
Hard at work ‘twixt his cheeks
Soiled the bed when he ejaculated
Killing diminuitive Japanese poetry one abomination at a time…
New year, off in search
Things we lost along the way
When diets failed us
Ruining diminuitive Japanese poetry one picture at a time
With words does ensnare
and all resistance removes
silver tongued devil
Just a little something before bed…
Kinda inspired by this if you’ve never read it. I think its one of my best…I even did an audio version.
There are things that pass my lips that I so willingly enjoy
A baby cow, a deer, some sheep, to them utensils I deploy
Fried , roasted, dipped in fondue cheese my preferences are wide
I know they’re cute on the outside, but I so crave the meat inside
Loin, flank, short rib, grass fed, food bid, to stop my clothes from spoiling
Oh whip me up wild roaming fowl, salted, spiced post boiling
These things I lust, my lips do quiver in anticipation
I realise it leaves some folk in the most sternest consternation
But they are safe, so rest assured, my menu rightly lacks their cut
For far too lean and scrawny I do find them, they don’t satisfy my gut
And even though you add some veg, add onions or some aubergine in
No thanks, fear not, I’ll have a salad, for I could never eat a vegan
A rude one about a woman and her need for a particularly large penis.
A cavernous lass, quite pedantic
who insisted on cocks most gigantic
No nine inchers for her
(unless girth) she don’t care
Only upwards of twelve get her frantic
Mmmmm tasty…
Married chap I know has him a mistress
Who it turns out will eat only citrus
Says her ass tastes sublime
Just like lemons and lime
And he raves of her tangerine Clitoris
The heart wants what the heart wants
Destined, sweet embrace
Two hearts entwined eternal
Love transcending time
I know I should be better than this.
Once a dirty scout master from from Kent
Spent weekends round young boys in a tent
Now he’s locked up in jail
With no prospects of bail
Passed around cells at night, sphincter spent
Oh I’m sure every family has been there. No? Oh…right…sorry. Well bet Im the only one with this title in a blog post EVER!
he watched plumber porn
Connected to the Bluetooth
while folks ate salad
A hallmark moment…
Heard you’re under the weather and wheezy
and your bottom is really quite breezy
and you’re head’s thick and snotty
and your breath’s pretty grotty
lots of fluids and rest, take it easy
Afterwards 