In case you know someone who broke their dick and got them a card but were unsure what to write
Heard you slipped on some lube near the hearth
And your penis, my god, broke in half
Bent at 90 degrees
it’s quite tricky to please
Here’s a card, I tried hard not to laugh
Ouchy…
A much betrayed woman called Brenda
Her hub banged her sister and friend yeah
Now locked up, doing time
But she really don’t mind
Put his cock and his balls in a blender
Not to be confused with limerick every other day of the week…
Fred, a cannibal, loved valentine
To devour someone sweet, 69
To the spleen, he would toast
As he ate anus roast
And sweet nipples he’d pickled in brine
ouchy
Hope you feel so much better today
And the swelling and pain’s gone away
And the tear in the tip
That was caused by your zip
Will be healed up real soon, hip hooray!
What a year indeed…
A philandering chap with a mistress
Took another, then two more at Christmas
Dirty threesome in May
Then for June he turned gay
He got aids, gonorrhoea and syphilis
A thing about someone and a thing. Mostly.
Once a Fruit and veg lover, obsessed
He would daily large eggplants molest
Rubbed Green beans on his loins
Cabbage stiffened his groins
Fruit salad oft rubbed on his chest
Not to be confused with limerick every other day of the week…
A Cannibalistic Mechanic
So loved Cubans and all things Hispanic
Livers, kidneys from Spain
Tasty Mexican brain
Sweet Peruvian heart made him manic
Because it’s Sunday
A Christian chap from Seahouses
Who’s girlfriend with fine ass arouses
For his Lord he resists
Peach bum, perky tits
And exploded all over his trousers
Enjoy. Or don’t. But secretly do.
A vet from round our way quite smitten
By felines, especially kittens
He made two into hats
And a load into spats
Then the leftovers made into mittens
And with a religious theme
A fan of the clan, angry man
Had a son, tiny hands, orange tan
Lost a landslide election
Inspired insurrection
Lost his shit, got himself twitter ban
It’s something I guess…
A purveyor of decadence, Lionel
Would oft dress in a gimp mask and vinyl
Found it tricky to pick
For he so adored dick
But also loved all things vaginal
Merry Christmas, or happy whatever you celebrate …have a lovely day!
A purveyor of filth, Nicky Klaus
A whoremonger, purveyor of whores
With his huge bulging sack
And his craving for crack
And a leather clad spank on all fours
Something nasty as were just about half way to weekend!
Once a mistress on more she insisted
Wanted love not just sex, dark and twisted
Tenderness, love, respect
Instead anus, quite wrecked
As her fellow her bottom rough fisted
With a sunday feel…
A God fearing hooker Celeste
Who on her knees would confess
Let the cleansing begin
Of her mouth full of sin
And that massive big load off her chest
Apparently that’s now a thing too…
A promiscuous temptress called Brenda
Not especially choosy on Gender
Whether he, she or Eir
Xemself, Hir, Shim – Don’t care
She’s ain’t fussy- just wants sensual splendour
________________
I don’t think I’m ignorant, perhaps a little sheltered and middle aged white man and all that…I just honestly had no idea…read it for yourself…
Just because why not
A God fearing couple were waiting
Until marriage before consummating
He prayed “Give me strength please”!
And he fell to his knees
His unused testicles fast inflating
One about boobs
A large breasted hooker, Celeste
Did declare that her breasts were the best
Local chaps were invited
And the prospect excited
To put her proud claims to the test
Do it. You know you want to.
Heard you’ve probably lost an election
And it’s years since you’ve had an erection
And your kids are all shits
And your empires in bits
Hope you die from a nasty infection
Mostly Ive avoided politics and Donald the last few years but just a little something for him. You don’t like it? You’re a fan of him? Please unfollow me. Really. Bye.
Why the devil not eh.
Devout young chap met each Thursday
Buxom wench who would service the clergy
She would take off her nickers
For Priests, Imams and Vicars
And enable arousing liturgy
Something a little…’bawdy’ I think is the word.
A wench with a bosom a plenty
Bedroom skills quite a hit with the gentry
For a couple of shilling
She’s both ready and willing
Come around her back alley for entry
One about ‘tucking’. I write mostly from a place of ignorance. Sorry.
There was a trans fellow called Betty
Who when ‘tucked’ would get sticky and sweaty
What a frightful affair
When at last it got air
Pale and sickly like day old spaghetti
Taste the rainbow…
Oh you poor thing, I hope you’re well soon
Heard it’s swollen up like a balloon
That there’s swelling and weeping
And dripping and seeping
Then a discharge that stinks out the room
Testicle centric
Prospective lover to his lady June
“One ball’s shrivelled just like a prune”
Nervously he confided
“And I’m somewhat lopsided
Other’s swollen just like a balloon.”
One about really thick pubes…
Once a hirsute young nudist called Julie
Had a seventies bush, quite unruly
It just could not be tamed
Her thick dark pubic mane
Quite the warm winter muff, well and truly
Maybe someone out there needs to hear this. Maybe it’s you. Maybe youre a dirty little monkey indeed!
Hope this finds you somewhat on the mend
Hear it’s swollen quite close to the end
Feels like it may fall off
If you move fast or cough
And you near shit your pants when you bend
