Things I cannot do

We’re all shit in our own unique way.

There are things that I am good at which I am comfortable with.  I do a decent limerick, I”m shit hot with spreadsheets , and I make a bakewell tart so good that you’d likely let me touch you inappropriately just for a slice.  I think there are others but thise are the ones that spring to mind.

This though is not about my ability to make Microsoft Excel talk to you and tell you it wants to watch you take a pee.

This is about my inability to fold towels.

Well I can fold them but for the life of me I cannot get any of them the same bastard size.  It’s never been something I thought about much, intent as I was in the past to stack them in such a way as to make a pretty pyramid akin to the sort you get if you get a bundle as a gift.

God that’s a depressing thought in itself isn’t it.  A gift of towels.  Reminds me of the Christmas I found myself disappointed I never got any socks.  I died a bit inside that day I tell you.

I am also not talking making towels of vastly differing sizes fold to a similar footprint.  That would be stupid.  Hmm.  I think I’m still pretty crabby about it.

No, thing is Mrs Afterwards has this knack of folding all the varied towels and they all end up beign of a similar size and stack wonderfully and whilst she doesn’t admit it I know she is smug as fuck about it.  Well I would be if I had achieved such a feat.

Today I decided I would do the same and it did not go well.

Within ten minutes I happened to call a particularly tricky black bath sheet a bastard in front of the youngest, and followed that up by telling all the fluffy white ones to go screw themselves because even the ones of the same size refused to allow themselves to be folded to the same dimensions.

Eventually I rolled them all up instead like in a hotel but they didn’t fit on the stand in the bathroom so redid them just like one of those lovely stacks you get as a gift from your sister when you move into a new home.

Anyway, I imagine it is something passed down from mother to daughter but there is no way I am asking the missus.  I’d rather air dry.

That reminds me, does anyone know how to change a duvet cover.  Last time I did one I ended up with a prolapsed sphincter and a dislocated shoulder.






Author: Michael

Husband, dad,(ex)programmer, comic collector and proud Yorkshireman. I have no idea why im here or why im writing but i rather enjoy it. no great fan of punctuation;

31 thoughts on “Things I cannot do”

  1. To change a duvet (we call them doona) cover:
    1. take the other one off. Put it in the wash.
    2. make sure the clean cover is inside out.
    3. Put one hand in each far corner (inside the cover, ensure the cover is inside out).
    4. use the same hands that hold the corners to grip one corner each of the doona (check the shape is right – narrow ends are top and bottom, these are the ones you want).
    5. stand back so the cover slides down over the doona.
    6. Shake and shimmy until the whole cover covers the whole doona.
    7. Shake it onto the bed, clip up the hole, and if you’re really, really [I’d say anal, but I do it], put a couple of stitches in each corner of the doona (voila! no more rolling cover! well, mostly).

    And now for towels:
    1. Fold towel in half, short ends together.
    2. Fold again, so it’s now a double fold over the previous fold (it’s the same fold and direction as the one above).
    3. Fold each (new) short end in one third
    4. There you have it, from a person who worked in a residential hotel through uni.
    5. It’s also quick.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I actually like to fold them as such: hold towel by short end against chest. Fold right side in by one third. Fold left side in by one third. It’s now very narrow with a trifold. Now fold it into half long ways, and then in half again. I think they look very nice this way. 🤨

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ha! i’ve given up on folding & just directly throw them on the floor as that is where the minions eventually decide is the appropriate place for towels.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. ha well that was why I was folding …theyd taken all the clean ones, used them once and deposited them on the floor. I tell pthem itts never too late for adoption but they dont believe me

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Even when you roll them there’s always dangly bits at the end or the middle comes out it’s just ridiculous. Maybe the natural form for a towel is a random pile

    Liked by 1 person

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