Of Prophets and Rivers – REBLOG SUNDAY

https://wp.me/p9l0v1-cP

Take a look you won’t be disappointed!

Old Walter McDad

Really not sure where this came from…

You can listen instead of reading if you prefer.

 

 

Old Walter McDad finds such joy in the sad

The depressed and the rather quite tragic

He would dance with delight if your shoes were too tight

Spilled your tea on your crotch? Oh quite magic!

Caught your knob in your zip? Caused your foreskin to rip?

He would high five in great celebration

Birth defects?  He loves those.  Diabetic? Lost toes?

Well to him they’re such cause for elation

 

Enjoys watching the poor, mocks the sick and what’s more

Steals the cash from the tramps at the station.

Takes a dump on your lawn, tells your kids to watch porn

Big wide grin at your grandma’s cremation

Fingers crossed at the vets they declare that your pets

need to be put to sleep with much haste

Phone the docs and the answer is that you have cancer

He’d take joy, he knows its in poor taste

 

For Walt spends all his days in such terrible ways

Don’t ask why he just does ‘cos he can

At a hundred and one he’d still rodger your mum

He’s a rather quite nasty old man

So watch out and beware at the top of the stair

As he’d gladly push you in the back

You go head over tit and he’d chuckle and sit

Watch you bleed as he enjoys a snack

 

Beginnings – 5 – Unexpected Revelations

The tale of Darren and Julie

M does a marvellous set of prompts each month, today the prompt was Spontaneous Eruptions.  I am sure you aren’t surprised at what I came up with.  I recorded it too though so you can listen rather than actually reading it.  See how kind I am…I hope it works.

 

https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/2018/07/01/july-writing-prompts/


The tale of Darren and Julie

 

Once a chap said “I Do”, his wife said she’d be true

And in bliss they did spend all their days

In bed things were quite hot and they cared not a jot

For the flaws in their deeds and their ways

 

For they say love is blind but alas her behind

Grew quite plump and his ardour it waned

And he seemed now quite dull and there came then a lull

In the bedroom “Boring!” she complained

 

“Well your cooking is foul” he proclaimed with a scowl

She complained that his chores were undone

and with pinky quite crooked she complained how he looked

“You’re a cow” he did cry “like your mum”

 

There were slamming of doors, and so started the wars

And she went for a drink with his mate

So he signed up online had a jolly good time

Second base from an internet date

 

They fought over the cat she poked fun at his fat

Rotund tummy, he scoffed at her thighs

So she scratched up his car, he cut up her best bra

And on facebook he posted foul lies

 

So she slept with his dad and that made him quite mad

So she dry humped a tramp near some bins

Then he had a tattoo of her name and some poo

She jerked off a red head pair of twins

 

And at last it did end, for they just could not mend

The sweet love that was now oh so broke

And they went separate ways but that’s not how it stays

Even though its been weeks since they spoke

 

For one night on the booze he did text “I did lose

Something dear how I wish wed not split”

And she lonely and sad (and she quite missed his dad)

Said “I miss you come round in a bit”

 

Now they’re trying again and it might end the same

Or they could this time round find love true

Now he needs to just find a tattooist most kind

To remove what he inked near his bum…  

 

 

Beginnings – 4 – Spontaneous eruptions

The legend of Arty McFarty

M does a marvellous set of prompts each month, today the prompt was Spontaneous Eruptions.  I am sure you aren’t surprised at what I came up with.  I recorded it too though so you can listen rather than actually reading it.  See how kind I am…I hope it works.

https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/2018/07/01/july-writing-prompts/


The Legend of Arty McFarty

 

Once a fellow of some girth, a man of little joy or mirth

Who sad spent all his days self loathing and most glum

Teased by all and not respected and each night upset reflected

On his life which was quite empty and no fun

 

He had no wife and children none and friends alas were all now gone

And so he pondered his existence and felt small

And he came to the conclusion he was under the illusion

That he really ought to not be here at all

 

Quite intent to bring an end and without life or love or friend

At the cliff top he now stood, but lo a vision

It was the ghost of his dead mum and she insisted with his bum

He’d seek revenge on those who point with such derision

 

She spoke kinds words and reassured and from the cliff top he was lured

And she reminded him that he was in her heart

and he indeed possessed a gift and it so gave his heart a lift

when she proclaimed he had the world’s most fearsome fart

 

And so with deadly fierce eruption he blazed a trail of fowl destruction

Wreaking vengeance on all who had made him sad

At work he let off in a lift, three people had to miss a shift

it made a lass have fits and nearly killed one lad

 

His bottom spewed such fearsome gases that his neighbour now wears glasses

When into her letter box he let one out

He could hear her scream and stumble and she dropped her apple crumble

And threw up when out into the street ran out

 

He blew off down at the store and the milk curdled and then more

Or less the whole place had to be evacuated

At the pub he was oft goaded so near the fire he exploded

Watched it burn with joy, oh how these folk he hated

 

Farted then into a pram and in the face of an old man

then on a beggar who would oft be rather rude

And to a church he made a visit, left his own unholy spirit

and to a shelter where he dropped one on the food

 

And so he found his true life calling with his anus most appaling

Havoc he did wreak and eyes did stream

And all his days he spent unleashing anal thunder most unpleasing

Vile bottom burps most nasty and oh so obscene

 

 

Beginnings – 2 – Turning back Tuesday

Serena stared at the news headlines scrolling across her vid implant as she weaved her way through the mass of morning commuters. Grey skies stretched into the distance, the rain seemingly never ending, and pulling her hood over her head to keep off the rain she watched as the report showed the fall of Mombassa and the rout of the Central African Forces.

M does a marvellous set of prompts each month, and whilst I couldn’t face anything more than the nonsensical last month after my In-Between effort of May this month I am good to go again and am going to do a series of things that could be the beginning of something.  The prompts give me something to latch onto and to see what I can do with them and will be between 250 an d 500 words.  They may be the beginning of something they may not.  Sometimes I need to see it on paper to know how I feel about an idea and whether it will grow wings all of its own.

Today the prompt was Turning back Tuesday.  I am sure you can see why…

https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/2018/07/01/july-writing-prompts/


Serena stared at the news headlines scrolling across her vid implant as she weaved her way through the mass of morning commuters.  Grey skies stretched into the distance, the rain seemingly never ending, and pulling her hood over her head to keep off the rain she watched as the report showed the fall of Mombassa and the rout of the Central African Forces.

 “Hey watch yourself” barked a dark suited man as she nipped in front of him, clipping the briefcase he was carrying.

 “Sorry mate.”  She raised a hand by way and smiled to herself.  People could be such stiffs. 

 Stood waiting for the lights to change Serena changed channels to ‘K-Pop-100’.   Above, the buzz and whine of the faster vehicles darting through midtown filled the air, their neon undercarriages cutting through the gloom, while down at ground level the heavier transporters and trams rumbled through the puddles.

 A breaking newsflash interrupted Serena’s vid as the lights blinked green and momentarily distracted she stepped out into the road.  Before she could finish the headline she heard a scream and felt a hand on her shoulder and was dragged back onto the pavement as a heavy goods wagon thundered past inches from her face, the wind throwing back her hood.

“Oh my god” she started but as the words left her mouth everything froze. 

Everywhere fell silent, unmoving, people mid stride and cars suspended in the air. 

“Who the hell stopped her?” came a harsh voice from the crowd waiting to cross the road.  “This was carefully planned.  What threw it off?”

 “No idea sir” came a second voice, this one more timid than the first.  “Timings seem to be about a second out according to my readings.  I can rewind and recalibrate if you want.  We have enough time to do it over.”

 There was a pause as a tall blonde haired man pressed through the bodies in front of him and stood in front of Serena.  He wore a long dark coat over black trousers and shirt and his face was gaunt and pale.  He reached out a hand and caressed her face. 

 “Shall I do it sir?” The second man asked as he squeezed past the unmoving pedestrians, a glowing tablet device in his grip.  “We have about a minute to redo and resync the time line.”

 The taller man sighed and cracked his knuckles before turning quickly and disappearing back into the crowd.

 “Okay, rewind and redo,” he shouted, “and let Head Office know she’s incoming.”  He paused for a moment before continuing.  “And Po” he added menacingly.

 “Yes?” said Po as he punched at the screen of the device in his hand.

 “Don’t get it wrong.”

Beginnings – 1 – The Right of Wrongs

The pale lights lining the corridor flickered and dimmed as the ship descended slowly towards the planet surface. Je-Sar grimaced as the unfamiliar pull of gravity dragged on her, every movement suddenly a huge effort.

M does a marvellous set of prompts each month, and whilst I couldn’t face anything more than the nonsensical last month after my In-Between effort of May this month I am good to go again and am going to do a series of things that could be the beginning of something.  The prompts give me something to latch onto and to see what I can do with them and will be between 250 an d 500 words.  They may be the beginning of something they may not.  Sometimes I need to see it on paper to know how I feel about an idea and whether it will grow wings all of its own.

Today the prompt was The right of wrongs and it got me to thinking about right and wrong (obviously I hear you say) and the wrong of right and the rite of wrong and so on.   

https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/2018/07/01/july-writing-prompts/


The pale lights lining the corridor flickered and dimmed as the ship descended slowly towards the planet surface.  Je-Sar grimaced as the unfamiliar pull of gravity dragged on her, every movement suddenly a huge effort.  The black clad guards pulled at her arms to keep her on her feet, their heavy jackboots clanging on the metal plate flooring..

“On your feet” the taller of the two barked. “You’ll get used to it soon enough.  Now get in there.”  He punched a flashing green button in a panel and it turned red and a door slid open with a hiss.

The second soldier laughed, his eyes cruel and a hand on his rifle. “It’s time to go home” he said.  “We’ve looked after your kind long enough.”

Je-Sar fell through the door and turned to watch as it clanged closed behind her.  The pod was small, with her arms spread wide she could touch all four of the plain metal walls that stared back at her.  Save for a low metal bench along one side and a thick rimmed portal window there was nothing else inside.

She stared out through the small window as the planet below grew larger.  A vast arid landscape stretching as far as she could see.  It was A home she had never known. 

A world to which she was being returned because there was no longer room for her kind up there.

Tortoise and Monkey

Inspired by a true story a good friend once told me…

The mid-day sun beat down as tortoise wandered slowly across the Savannah.  Approaching the old marula tree he noticed monkey, his fist lodged firmly inside a small crevice in the trees side.

“Good morning monkey “ he said, the trees canopy providing delicious pools of  protective shade from the fierce sun. “Is everything okay?”.

“I seem to be stuck” monkey replied straining to free himself. Bees buzzed around him and he swatted at them with his free hand.  “I wanted honey, I found honey, and now I cannot free myself.”

“Oh dear, oh dear” said tortoise pondering the predicament.  “That is for certain no good thing.”

“Yes, yes” said monkey excitedly “no good at all, at all.”

Monkey tugged and pulled, teeth bared and his feet braced against the tree, but his hand remained firmly inside.

“Whatever will you do?” tortoise asked, “have you tried calling for help?”

Monkey nodded “Oh yes I have tortoise but the others were unable to free me.”

“And where are they now?” Tortoise asked looking about.  There were most certainly no other monkeys that he could see.  He looked up into the tree, thinking that surely that is where a tortoise would find monkeys but again there were none.

“They have left me, left me alone” Monkey said stills training in an attempt to free himself.  “They said that Lion was about and ran off.”  He looked down at tortoise.  “I will not share my delicious honey with them now no way no chance.“

Tortoise stopped and looked about slowly.  They were not particularly clever beasts in his opinion, and in his many years on the savannah he had always found them to be quite foolish too.

“Are you holding the honey now?” he asked.

Monkey paused.  “Yes” he answered suspiciously.  He was uncertain whether monkeys ate honey.

“And have you considered releasing the honey” Tortoise asked, “that would allow you to remove your hand surely.”

Monkey looked at tortoise quizzically.  “But then I would have no honey” he said quite perplexed.

Tortoise was about to answer when he heard the distinctive roar of lion now not far away.

“You need to let go Monkey” he said retracting into the safety of his shell “lion is on her way.”

“But then I shall have no honey” monkey shouted back defiantly, “and I do so love honey…”


Photo courtesy of pixabay

 

Farmer and Dog

A heavy farmhouse door opened and farmer, the girl with the fat bottom and dog stepped out into the crisp morning air.

Dawn scratched at the edges of night across the far off hill tops setting the darkness on fire.  A heavy farmhouse door opened and farmer, the girl with the fat bottom and dog stepped out into the crisp morning air.  A light blanket of snow had fallen and it crunched beneath their feet as they walked.

He did not much care for the fat bottomed girl, she was prone top anger and tantrums and never gave him scraps from the table.  He did love the snow though and leapt to catch a flake as it drifted through the still air.

Farmer laughed heartily.  “Looks like a lovely day girl” Said Farmer to dog ,ruffling the hair on her head as she trotted along side him.  He was a broad shouldered ruddy faced man with large hands, a round tummy and a thick shock of red hair atop his head.

The girl with the fat bottom complained bitterly about being out of bed so very early.  “Why do I need to do this” she complained as they crunched through the snow.  “I fetch the eggs each morning and help with the milking, can someone else not do it?  It is so very cold.”

“Hush Ruby” said the farmer looking sternly at her “He’s your horse, you need to do this thank you very much”.  The fat bottomed girl did not respond, but dog knew too well to stay out of her way.

“A good Morning to you” said Dog to the cows as the passed the shed.

“A good morning to you dog” the cows answered in unison, tails swishing “we are quite ready to be milked.”

But they weren’t heading out to milk, so dog trotted on, bristling around the farmers legs excitedly.  He did so enjoy being up and about so early in the morning.

As they continued they passed the chicken hutch.  “Good morning dog” said hen, pecking and scratching in the dirt between the small collections of snow.  “have you brought us our breakfast?”

They had not, and dog greeted Hen and trotted on alongside the farmer.

“We’re okay for now girls” Dog heard hen call out as they crossed to the far side of the farm yard.

Farmer and the fat bottomed girl approached the fence and farmer reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple.  With an outstretched arm he offered it up to horse as he wandered across.

“Morning horse” said dog excitedly “lovely day isn’t it”

Horse paused before he answered.  “Do you know what the fat bottomed girl has been doing to the chickens?” horse asked slowly as he ambled across.

“I do not” said dog feeling confused.

“Hmm” replied horse gobbling up the apple, “not good” he munched, “not good at all.”

The farmer opened the gate and the fat bottom girl walked inside.  “Now don’t take too long” he said to her pulling his coat tight around himself to keep out the chill.  “Bring her up to the house and we will get her ready, the farrier will be here in a short while. ”

“What did she do?” Dog asked as the farmer opened the gate wider.

Horse did not answer…


Want to know what happens next?  I wrote the piece below a while back, thought it might fit nicely and create a more complete story line.

One Word Photo Challenge: Horse


Want to read more of my stuff?

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

 

Photo courtesy of eskimokettu @ pixabay