Time for another tree. It’s summer, and it was the summer solstice yesterday – so let’s have something a little summery and celebratory of all things bright and beautiful shall we! Fiesta time baby!
If you’re curious, these are the other trees:
May the fourth be with you
Empirical proof is always worth the effort
A keen mathematician, Tallulah
Would not let young boastful chaps fool her
Evidence, she’d insist
Even before they kissed
And checks both length and girth with a ruler
Not a clue what this was about or when or why. Least it’s out of my drafts now. Apparently wrote it in Feb 2020. Dont remember it…seems a bit emo to me.
In solitude, she lays in darkness,
reaching out feels soft warm touch
And miles melt into skin on skin
That tender bliss, sweet kiss, remiss
And Would he dare, quite foolishly,
That single moment to forget
Where sparks from embers sprung to life
And set aflame with promises
Her heart, her mind, her everything
Which craves and dreams and wanting makes
him kneel and on love hungry feeds
‘Till satisfied, she falls and falls
Into his arms, into his heart
Ruining diminutive Japanese poetry one post at a time
Positive about the change
Trousers must have shrunk
A dirty one about putting people in one’s mouth.
Astute mathematician, Horatio
Pythagarus Fan, loved fellatio
He could tell at first sight
If it’d fit or be tight
Could guess length, girth, and shaft to mouth ratio
Another from the drafts that I cant really remember writing…I should refine it and make it rhyme properly…but I cannot be arsed.
I would kiss your lips a thousand times
But god, just imagine the chafing
and they’d get really scabby
and you’d get quite crabby
And you’d need lip creams and balm and look awful
So I’ll shout your name from the roof tops
But not late, we have neighbours you know
Though I could likely fall
So perhaps I’ll just call
Out your name from the top bedroom window
Hey I could climb the worlds highest mountain
Swim deep oceans to declare our passion
But heights scare me to bits
And cold water is shit
Is there anything else that’s in fashion?
Ooh a poem would show my devotion
And some flowers and choccies and wine
But you’re quite fat already
And drink lots, take it steady
And your reading age is not much more than nine
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways
Let me woo, swoon and bask in your beauty
(once you’ve put on your make up)
Then perhaps we can make up
Cos I quite like your tits and round booty
Found this in my drafts. Don’t have a clue what the devil it’s about. Random words mostly I think…
Do your think of him those days
Where dark thoughts senses suffocate
That joy I watched drain from your face
As life and lies cruel whispers told
Your many secrets slow, unfold
Fools promises and could have been’s
you would not keep them from your door
Instead with smile forced on your face
Arms wide you beckoned them inside
Embraced as they to you heart lied
Promises, so sickly sweet
Coarse noose of lies, soft velvet hopes
’till dangling feet dance all alone
Blinded, stumbling, on and on
And hope, and faith, bright eyes now gone
A hallmark moment…
Heard you’re sick, quite unwell, chesty wheeze
Get well soon and stay hydrated, please
Hope you’re soon on the mend
It’s quite gross, can’t pretend
As your bum still explodes when you sneeze
Things don’t grow in the shade, alas…
There once was a baker from Crete
Who loved pastries, pies, cakes, all so sweet
Grew quite portly and round
If he looks at the ground
He now cant see his penis or feet
To those who followed me because I wrote about dieting. This is probably closer to the real me. Sorry 🙂
Sex mad divorcee, now, online dating
Swipes and clicks left her moist, salivating
A transvestite off Grinder
Sweating, grunting, behind her
Tinder twins in each hand, masturbating
Verdent. Bloody verdent.
Back to walking, the world is green and lush, flowers are blooming, and there was even a little rugby!
May the fourth be with you
You can read about the start of the tree journey here. If you cannot be bothered then long story short, we have left a Christmas tree up and will decorate it seasonally all year long because why the hell not. 🙂
Might be odd to some but hey, makes me happy!
To celebrate Star Wars Day on May the Fourth (- be with you …And also with you) I picked up some red and blue tinsel and proceeded to 3D print X wing fighters, tie fighters, a D wing fighter, a Millennium Falcon, a Baby yoda snowflake or two, a couple of death stars and the sprayed them gold. I then topped it all off with a Kylo-Ren light sabre teddy.
If you’re curious, these are the other trees:
It’s all gone a little bit yeasty.
April was going to be so much better than March. It really was. Then I broke my ankle, was rendered mostly immobile for weeks, and proceeded to eat all of the bread. I am not exaggerating, I didn’t just have a bit. I had it all.
Did you go to make some hot, buttered toast one morning, only to find the last slices mysteriously gone? Yes? I was probably sat outside your kitchen shovelling it into my face. Shortage of baps, bloomers and brioche at your local store. Yup, guilty as charged.
Doughnut, bagels, pretty much anything proven and baked. I couldn’t but help to put it inside myself.
I even found myself looking lustfully at other men’s baguette’s with my mouth watering thinking that if I waited until he wasn’t looking and just took it in my hand and nibbled on the end that might be enough to satisfy my cravings. But who am I kidding, Im a greedy, greedy boy and wanted the whole thing.
Oh what a sorry old state it is when you cannot rest until you have a mouthful of Italian 6 inch. Sub. 6 inch sub.
So with an average of less than 4000 steps a day and my teeth full of seeded batch loaf I look back at April as a wasted opportunity; then turn to May with renewed hope(and more than likely some sort of acquired gluten allergy). If that’s even a thing.
Let’s see how this month goes shall we…
with a broken ankle, mostly I did nothing…
Mr C has published his poetry. You should go buy it. You’ll enjoy it.
So, I finally got around to releasing a book of poetry. I mean, I got it sorted out back in February but I’m not exactly loud about these kind of things. It’s called “The Pegasus Fiasco” You can click on the picture of the book to get to the purchase link or just click HERE […]The Pegasus Fiasco
One about how to work out your manhood volume.
A perverse math’matician of note
to work out his cock volume, he wrote
“Times the length by the girth”
He reported with mirth
And then published with pics and did gloat.
Okay so I know that isn’t the calculation for working out the volume of one’s manhood. But no way am I googling that on the laptop the kids use from time to time. What sort of monster do you think I am.
Anyway, everyone knows you multiply the smallest radius of oval (minor axis) by its largest radius (major axis). Just not easy to get that into a limerick.
Though I did once read that it should be calculated using socks as a measure of volume. Ankle, sports, knee high. You get the general idea. Actually I once knew a chap who was an eye watering European size 12 Knee high. But that’s another limerick completely.
Happy Thursday !
Bugger, I seem to have written a second book
What to do, what to do?
nearly 4 years, and almost 2000 posts ago, I started this blog. I have written books, short stories, limericks, haiku and poems. There were photos and tanka, posts on comic artwork, collectables and 3D modelling – and more recently more and more on dogs, diet and lifestyle.
I really have no idea what my blog is about anymore. I certainly post less than I used to, and there are many excuses I console myself with, but am currently trying to decide just what to do with this thing and how to do it. I continue to write outside of my blog (with my second book due as soon as I can get the editing done) but I still love opening up WordPress and seeing what ends up on the page…
Anyone else have this conundrum and what have you done about it?
A wanking related injury
You know that plan I had to do 12000-15000 steps a day? The one where Theo and I wander around Hipperholme enjoying the spring sunshine? Where we feel the wonderful benefits of increased mobility and a raised pulse? Well I am revising that target to 50. No, not 50000, 50.
Before I explain more you need To know that In Sheffield, where Mrs Afterwards is from, they Occasiondlly use the term ‘wanked’ instead of ‘sprained’. So yesterday when I entered youngest to get me a bag of peas she suspected that I had wanked my ankle.
Now at this juncture let me caution against googling the phrase ‘wanked ankle’ as it will invariably lead down an unpleasant rabbit hole that starts with ‘Bulgarian ankle wank’, meanders to all manner of atrocities involving white ankle socks and not once will it end in a bandaged foot in an elevated position. Well not unless it also involves a dwarf in a gimp suit brandishing two flaming dildos shouting obsceneties about the size of your toes.
And then you’ll need to delete your browsing history.
Anyway, lets leave those Sheffield folk to their weird ways and get back to more medical matters. Dirty bastards.
Turns out that when stepping down into the garden yesterday I went over on my ankle and chipped a bone. After a few minutes of agony on the grass I managed to get inside, took a few ibuprofen and iced it with a bag of peas. About an hour later I took a look thinking it would be a little swollen only to see A half tennis ball sized lump where my ankle used to be.
Anyway, it was off to the hospital and an xray later I was fitted with a boot and told to mostly take it very very easy for 3-6 weeks. All for one little chipped bone.
Guess I’ll need to be particularly careful with what I eat given my mobility will be particularly limited.
Turns out wanking really is bad for you.
Screw you March.
First things first. Screw March. That’s right, you and the horse you rode in on.
Now that that’s out of the way let’s see how it went last month shall we.
Look, it wasn’t a bad month. I have had worse. I have had month’s where it feels like I have single handedly supported the chocolate industry through challenging trading conditions. There were periods where I am certain that I ensured a healthy dividend pay-out to Krispy Kreme shareholders. And there were times when my expanding girth definitely kept nimble fingered small children in far-eastern sweatshops gainfully employed as I was forced to replace my wardrobe with less ill fitting garments.
It was just a month where things just felt …meh.
Yes I managed to do 12000 steps a day at least, and mostly I drank plenty of water every day. I even managed to maintain a relatively normal amount of calories. So like I said, not a bad month. It just felt rather out of control and by chance and not at all focussed. I think I concentrated too much on simple calorie intake rather than focussed meals which left me eating lots of snacks or in-between type of food instead of prepared meals (during the day at least as most nights I have a Hello Fresh meal ready to prep and devour).
I just found it all rather annoying as I know I can do better.
So this month I have started with a renewed focus on balancing my intake and ensuring I have a good balance of Carbs, proteins, fat and fibre. (though I may have threatened to do that last month too). I am also increasing my calorie intake as have been doing some research and think I need to eat more. Sounds daft right, but we shall see whether increasing my calories by around 500 (but focussing on balance inputs) makes a difference.
That said, it’s Easter this weekend so there has been a ton of chocolate around so my balance may be a little off for a couple of days. I simply cannot resist a Cadburys cream egg. I just can’t so I don’t even try.
Anyway, so after 10 months I remain about 22Kg(48 pounds) down from where I started. Not bad I guess. Could have been better but then again, could have been a hell of a lot worse.
Welcome to the past
So it turns out that about ten minutes from the house there is an old medieval road. I shit you not. Dating back at least 500 years, the Magna Via is the old road between Wakefield and Halifax and what is left of it passes not far from where I live. Now I didn’t intend to walk up it (this was my first time) but found it quite by chance and next thing you know me and Theo had been out of the house for 2 hours and had walked about 5 miles. That might sound fun, and it was, there was however the small matter of me only intending to pop out so I was wearing inappropriate footwear and was actually supposed to be working. I ended up taking a number of work calls from the hills around Hipperholme explaining that I would return to my desk and view the PowerPoint presentation once I was able to figure out where I was and how long it might take me to get home. Isn’t working from home just great.
It’s quite fabulous that you can be merrily walking along and then suddenly there you are, wandering a cobbled road that runs up through the countryside. The cobbles are a recent addition (around 1740) and in many places they are in pretty good order. In others they are long gone but all along the way there are so many reminders of a byway long abandoned to all but adventurous folk in sturdy footwear.
If you follow the road long enough it brings you out to Beacon hill which overlooks Halifax, but I kept that treat for next time. Anyway here are a few photos. Welcome to the past.
Seems to be a lot of dog this month.
More pretty tree-ness
It’s been a bot of a tough week on a few fronts. Diet fronts. Wellbeing fronts.
I had my Covid jab last Sunday. The first of 2 I was booked in for, and curiously, it was down to my weight that I was bumped up the queue. Last time I was weighed by the doctor I was significantly heavier than I am now so my BMI qualified me to be classified as ‘ridiculously fat’ ( I don’t believe that’s a medical classification – though I may be wrong) which means you get to be jabbed sooner for fear that you’ll clog up a hospital bed if you catch Covid and you’ll be a bloody nightmare to turn in your bed if you’re intubated given your girth and just how tricky it is to get a good purchase on flabby bits. Okay so again, my opinion not that of a medical professional.
Anyway, I will admit to finding it considerably more emotional than I had expected and sat in the waiting room afterwards (to ensure that I didn’t grow a second head) it was quite something. It was almost a year to the day that we first went into lockdown and here I was, receiving a jab. What a long year it’s been.
Okay Michael, get to the point – these nice people have places to be.
All week I have felt pretty knackered and hungry and every bone in my body has ached like a proper bastard. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. The entire song. Extra verses included including the oft unsung one about the coccyx.
Ive also been hungry. Like day after drinking hungry. Late night fridge visit hungry. Handfuls of cake and cream squirted straight into my mouth hungry. And really thirsty too. And my weight rocketed. I’m not worried that I put on weight, you cannot put on 7Lbs(3KG) in less than a week – so I know my body is doing something on its own without my permission.
So yes, a curious experience indeed. I am feeling better today and despite feeling achy as hell I have still managed my 15000 steps each day – apart from the day after the jab when I felt proper rough and it was cold and raining like buggery.
This week should be better I am sure…
In case you know someone who broke their dick and got them a card but were unsure what to write
Heard you slipped on some lube near the hearth
And your penis, my god, broke in half
Bent at 90 degrees
it’s quite tricky to please
Here’s a card, I tried hard not to laugh
Theo and I wandering the local area with camera in hand
I realise this is frightfully dull but you might possibly find some pleasure in it.
“In what?” You ask..
Or perhaps you don’t. Well I am going to tell you anyway. Stone. Currently I am taking lots of pleasure in stone whilst Theo and I traverse the back roads and pathways of Halifax.
Whether its drystone walls or 16th century Tudor buildings, long trodden paths or ramshackle ruins of what once was, I’ve seen so many wonderful examples of what someone long forgotten crafted.
There’s a wonderful Weatheted permanence and whispered history, even when all that remains Is a shadow of what once stood proud. Wherever we go now I find myself looking With wonder at just how long so much of this has stood.
Here’s just A few pictures from the last week from our early morning walks.
Happy weekend people 🙂