Happy Blogday to me!

3 years old today!

Well, turns out I started my blog three years ago today!

The last year I have not been as active as I would have liked, and I will certainly attempt to remedy that this year, but what fun it has been. Over 1800 posts have made their way onto here and I have loved writing every one of them…

To those of you who have followed, liked, commented, inspired and tolerated me I thank you muchly. I feel I know so many of you so well through your work and its been a pleasure to read you and get to you know you whilst at the same time putting stuff out there which many of you seem to have enjoyed (despite knowing you really ought to probably not)…

Hopefully see a lot more of a lot more of you this next year.

Thanks always

Love

Michael

X

Thursday’s filthy limerick

One about a ladies cavernous front bum

A voluptuous temptress from Cuba

A vagina shaped quite like a tuba

And she would not delay

To allow you to play

Her, so wide was she, no need to lube her

Just work on the speed of that last line…it works I assure you .

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day Twelvtytwo – Renovations

I’ve got a house full of manly men…

About 3 weeks before lockdown we started a cellar renovations project that we had been planning since we moved into this house 15 years ago. The cellar compromises 3 rooms which we have used for storage and a play room for the kids when they were younger. We had a big screen and a projector down there for a few years which was pretty cool too.

It was never a really clean and tidy space though and had damp in places and lots of exposed pipework and wiring. So, after a few years of saving it was time to get the builder in and see what he could do. It was going to take a few months but we figured we could live with the mess for a short while and proceeded to box everything up we wanted to keep (and trash everything we didn’t).

Then we went into lockdown and everything stopped for a few months…

Whilst they are back now, and there isn’t long to go, it has certainly been an experience. We have patiently waited as they have done a great job in truly transforming the space and…even as I write this I am struggling to concentrate because someone is fucking drilling so loud in the room below me that I could just…Bloody hell get done already, you’ve been here since March!! Our living room barely has enough room to fit the four of us in, I cant actually even see the TV screen in a lot of the room because things are piled 5 foot high! And stop drinking chuffing cups of tea…build something damn it, anything. Hammer, cut, saw, plaster, shovel…I don’t care just do it. Do it NOW! Finish my fucking house you bloody buggering bastards!

Ahem…Anyway, here are a few progress photos of one of the rooms. Lots more to follow somewhen but it’s getting close to being done.

I think they just put the frigging Kettle on again! Twats!

Only kidding…I actually really do like them 🙂

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day 4800. Weight YoYo-ing.

The ongoing saga of the right old state our doors were in…

So…The doughnut returns.

For those of you not familiar with it I wrote a lot a while back about food, dieting, whole30 and generally trying not die prematurely. It went quite well for quite a while, and I lost quite a lot of weight. About 30lbs as I recall. I then proceeded to put it back on again plus another 10lbs. I then lost that but no sooner was it off than I put that back on again in double quick time. Plus probably a but more.

If you’ve ever struggled with your weight then you know how it goes.

The most recent weight increase was following a health review I had at hospital in December. Despite me having concerns I was in a pretty bad shape, my weight aside I was apparently not doing too bad. This emboldened me to embrace the Christmas and New Year with wide open arms and an even wider mouth and before you know it I am in lockdown and as heavy as I have ever been.

Anyway…fast forward three months and I have managed to shift close to 30lbs and am now close to where I was when I did the whole30 thing. So a long way to go but I have undone a year of cocktails, pies, meat feasts and general gluttony. Just another 48 years worth to do now…

This time round I have concentrated on calorie deficit and intermittent fasting. The fasting helps me to be disciplined in terms of when I eat, and the calorie deficit keeps what I eat under control. I am using the Myfitnesspal and Fastic apps to track things and it really does seem to work for me.

Being home 24/7 and being able to plan and cook has made a huge difference too. There are far fewer takeaways and processed foods have mostly been replaced with freshly cooked meals. I;m even growing my own herbs to help with some of the dishes I have been dabbling with.

Anyway, I will write more about this I am sure – just thought I’d share a little as a starter for now. Pun intended.

Oh and we are putting a gym in in the cellar as part of the renovations. But that is also for another post…

Bon appetit!

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day…Er? – More Backdoor Shenanigans

The ongoing saga of the right old state our doors were in…

We’ve lived in this house for about 15 years and am still not quite convinced which is the back door and which is the front. We enter through the door straight into the kitchen from the small road at the back of the house. This would make me think this is the front door. But the traditional front door, which leads outto the garden, is far more ornate and has the feel of a front door which means what I think is the front door is probably the back door. We were discussing this with a neighbour just this week and she said she thinks of the backdoor as the one at the kitchen so its probably right that what I think is the front door is actually the back door.

Whenever Mrs afterwards and I need to reference one of the doors we generally point to it. Seems easier.

Anyway, as I wrote about here I recently sorted out the front door? Last weekend I sorted out the backdoor as it was also in need of some TLC. I will admit there were quite a few ‘backdoor’ jokes during the 5 hours it took me, none of which went down particularly well. Best I got from Mrs Afterwards was an eye roll I think.

Anyway this was the before and after. The surround took some serious filling and its a bit scruffy close up but from a distance I think it looks alright. Still going to add a transfer to the glass pane above the door with the house number on it (once I clean up the stray paint).

I painted the 2 stone teddies too.

So I think that makes me an official backdoor officianado. (Cue eye rolls).

And yes, there is a skip outside my house. Has been since March. Will be until July…

Corona Lock down Diaries – Tuthwedday – Renovations

Want me to sort your back door out?

When we bought this house 16 years ago we did so (or at least on my part) because it had a great garden and a wonderful cellar. Two weeks before lockdown we started a building project (which I will write about some when) to eventually turn the cellars into something usable, and the plan is to create a small gym, a TV room and put a toilet in. Oh and add a new entrance to the garden.

That work continues (with a 6 week off site in between) but inspired by the manliness of the chaps working still I thought I would have a crack at sprucing up the back door. Whilst I will willingly try my hand at DIY my track record is not great.

There was the time I tried to install a kitchen worktop and measured in centimetres but cut in inches. Took 2 weeks to get a new top delivered and I had to prop it up with a broom. Or the time the oven door handle broke and I bolted an old coffee table leg onto it. I thought it was genius. Mrs Aftewards disagreed. Oh and there was that one time I thought I could tile the shower. It had more undulations that a scenic drive out into the country. So as willing as I am I just seem to actually know what I am doing.

Oh that reminds me of when I thought I could change the taps in the kitchen. We had to keep a bucket under the sink to catch the post installation leaks. I thought that was a perfectly reasonable solution. Again, Mrs afterwards suggested that perhaps it was not.

Anyway, inspired by all the handiness going on in the house I renovated the back door. Yes I accidentally painted it grey instead of blue, but I think it looks ok. We have blue paint but for some reason I just picked up the wrong paint. It has been suggested I did not listen and I will admit that may carry a degree of truth.

So with some filling, priming, painting and sealing I spent a couple of days last weekend sorting it out. On close inspection there are things I would do better and that I will apply when I do the front door, but with the added paining of the handrail and the addition of some lights I think it looks okay.

Keep on living that lockdown dream!

Fluctuating Follies – Exodus 0.3

A continuation of a start of something perhaps…Just trying to get my juices flowing again

Michelle does a load of great prompts each month. I used to do a lot but less so now. Ill try get back into them I think. Theyre often just snippets of things and seldom more. This one is the glimmer of an idea I needed to get down on paper, using the prompts as ca bit of an idea spark – and like everything else I pretty much just share it whether done or not.

Part 1 of this is here

Part 2 is here

_________________________

Admiral Kent stood legs akimbo, hands on hips as he cast his gaze over the bank of screens laid out before him.

“How do I look Fisher?” he asked turning slowly, his once chiselled physique now like too much sausage meat squashed into too little skin.

“Regal Sir” Fisher lied.

“Really? Are you sure?” He placed one hand on a nearby desk and leaned nonchalantly, turned his head as if to look wistfully into the distance. Perhaps at a herd of reindeer on a hill side. He did rather like reindeer. “You don’t think it would look better if I were a little more… relaxed?”

“No not at all sir” Fisher insisted clasping her clipboard tight. “I think you look very imposing sir.”

“Imposing you say?” Kent liked that. He smiled and assumed his previous pose, sucking in his stomach. “And what time will the artist be here?” He asked turning his head so that what he regarded as his good side got what little light there was from the copper wall sconces scattered around the room.

“He’s already here sir. You asked to see Cole first though.”

“I did, I did yes of course. And is my dress uniform ready? I do want to look my best for my portrait.”

“Yes sir, it’s in your quarters.” Said Fisher, her knuckles white as she gripped her clipboard even harder. The lengths she had gone to for her stripes and here she was baby sitting this deluded fool of a man on a pointless mining outpost.

“And the hat too? You haven’t forgotten that right?”

“Hat too sir. Yes.”

“Jolly good. Please send Cole in…”

Cole entered the room and brushed past Fisher. She bristled as he came near and glared at him, nostrils flared. Cole really had no idea why she hated him so much. That is not to say that he did not know why she hated him, he did. But how much she seemed to despise him did seem excessive. He did sometimes wonder if it was displaced passion or maybe an unrequited love kind of thing and all that pining for a lovers touch shenanigans. It could also have been the way he treated her back in flight school. Who knew really, it was one or the other. He never could tell with women, they were a curious thing to him.

Cole continued past Fisher, stopped in front of the Commander and saluted. “You asked to see me Commander Kent?”

The Com turned slowly from where he had been staring at nothing in particular at the other side of the room. It was something he liked to practice as he felt it gave off quite the impressive dramatic effect as he turned back slowly.

“Ah yes, Cole, thank you for coming” he said.

Cole waited. Kent said nothing.

Cole shuffled and looked around as Kent continued to say nothing, again practising his dramatic delivery. He was getting very good at it he thought to himself.

Cole continued to wait uncomfortably, wondering whether the Com had perhaps suffered a stroke. Or perhaps some sort of neural embolism. A newb pilot in his squadron during the Martian wars had suffered some sort of mental schism at the onset of a sortie to scout a Martian moon base, and when his autopilot brought him home the lights had been well and truly turned off and he was most definitely not home anymore.

“Good to see you Cole” Kent said, the dramatic pause apparently concluded. “How have you been?” Cole opened his mouth to speak but Kent didn’t wait for an answer. “You’re going to be heading a mission out beyond the mining belt.” He continued quite matter of fact.

“I see” said Cole surprised. “To where exactly Sir? There’s a whole lot of nothing out there. And some pretty ‘awful somethings’.”

Fisher’s customary scowl broke into something close to a smile. Just getting beyond the belt was dangerous enough given your proximity to Mars, and beyond that very few Earth ships went since the war.

“Well, that’s just the thing Cole, I don’t really know. Orders came through from High Command and that’s really all I know. They asked for you specifically, seems you have something of a reputation and they felt you were the right man for the job. Whatever the job is.”

“And what is the Job Sir?” Cole pressed.

“Absolutely no idea” Kent said, his voice trailing away as he turned slowly away to stare once more into the distance. “That’ll be all Cole, Fisher will give you more details. Departure set for tomorrow at zero eight hundred.”

Fisher grinned as Cole turned without saluting and heading slowly towards where she stood. Her small dark eyes seemed to dance in a way that Cole was certain her body certainly could not.

“Oh and Fisher” Said Kent as Cole reached the door.

“Yes Sir?” Said Fisher tucking her clipboard under her arm and drawing herself to attention.

“You will make sure you make that I have my hat before you go right?

“Go sir?” Fisher said quizzically.

“Yes, really do need it for the picture you know and they asked for you for the mission too so really don’t want you to forget it. I did mention that didn’t I?”

“No Sir, you didn’t” Fisher answered, the smile now disappeared from her face.

“Oh I am Sorry” Kent said. “Really should have mentioned it before now, my memory can be quite terrible at time. Anyway, good luck to both of you, and don’t forget the hat before you go.”

_________________________

Here are a few others from way back

https://afterwards.blog/2019/03/11/harvest-room-101/

https://afterwards.blog/2019/03/11/harvest-room-101/

https://afterwards.blog/2019/10/07/the-fizzled-enchantment-and-other-stories-of-ruin-room-101/

Turning

Read the word ‘Fluctuate’ somewhere on my reader and it triggered this…

Between the tides he fluctuates

The stir of dreams, the love and hate

seems far too late a pause he takes

And break the silence, then to wait

But echo’s are all that returns

While soul it yearns and passion burns

Like fire, fierce, consumes and turns

Man into cinders, so he learns

To quell the cravings, quiet the hate

Embrace the now, love out of reach

And leaves but footsteps on the beach

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day Eleventytwelve – Green Fingers

In an English country garden…

I’ve never been one for gardening, the extent of my green fingered interests lying mostly with occasionally mowing the lawn and popping to the tip to throw away all the dead plants Mrs Afterwards bought in an attempt to brighten up the back way.

About 2 weeks before lockdown we started a building project, a cellar conversion is underway with a new entrance meaning the builders had to dig our where previously I was cultivated a lovely collection of weeds, hosepipes and rusting bicycles. As they dug out for the steps and the new door they discovered a mass of old stone which seemed to have been used as backfill when the house was built in 1906. Driven, I think, by my love of cutting corners and looking for shortcuts I insisted that they not worry about moving it but to leave it and I would instead build a rockery.

I then went away to research rockeries.

Anyway, long and not particularly interesting story short, Ive spend the past many weeks putting together what I think passes as one (who knows how long has passed – we are, as you know, in lockdown time and that doesn’t move like real time) . Something I am sure will be proven by bearded scientists in years to come in an attempt to explain just how it was possible that people got so fat during quarantine when they swear they went for a long walk everyday and ate lots of salad.

There was membrane laying. rock piling, soil carting, plant planting, fountain fitting, light fitting and pebble placing. The photos below show my progress.

I would note that as pretty as I think it looks, I am currently having some problems with finding it all a little creepy and unnerving. The plants (I just went for alpines and succulents) are spreading at a phenomenal rate. The succulents doubled in size in a week and I swear to Jeebus they sing this sweet little song when I look at them but I know that they want to lay spores inside my orifices and control me and make me do their bidding.

Fuck them! Might just lay a patio.

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day 428 – Relaxing the rules

A slight change in the lockdown rules. Probably. Maybe.

So today sees something of a relaxation of the lockdown rules here in England. As long as you can figure them out. We can apparently go out and meet with other people outdoors, but must maintain social distancing. Oh and we can only meet one on one. I think. So you could potentially meet one of your parents but not both at the same time.

You could though leave one locked in the car (with a window cracked for safety) and then enjoy alternate visits with them. You cannot however see both at the same time. Unless they both stay in the car and you roll the window down fully and maintain a safe distance from the pavement. That you can do.

They cannot though give you a lift home if it starts to rain and you’ve forgotten your umbrella. You’ll have to just get wet.

On the plus side, the government have extended the furlough scheme meaning 7 million people will be guaranteed 80% of their wage, from the government, until the end of June. Beyond that it will continue until the end of September, though at a reduced rate.

I do fear that people will go out and throw caution to the wind though. There will then be an inevitable spike and those back to work will then have to return home under a second lockdown and they will all resume their government funded lie ins, scrolling through Tik Tok and vigorous masturbation.

Maybe that’s the hope. Who knows.

Be Pure, be Vigilant, Behave

Corona Lock down Diaries – DIY Haircut

DIY hair cut and beard trim

I have a t-shirt which proclaims that a man who sacrifices his bear for a woman deserves neither. Think about it for a moment. Okay, got it? A deep truth and one I believe most firmly. I have the t-short so it must be true, right?

I do enjoy a good beard, and lock down has allowed me to cultivate a particularly large one. Well large by my usual standards. It is not of a hillbilly serial killer or suicide bomber quality, but it’s a decent effort I think. Okay so it’s not wholly out of choice – I couldn’t find my razor charger once it got to the ‘needs a trim stage’, but it is of a decent enough quality to probably scare dogs and small children.

When it comes to hair, I usually sport a number one crew cut also so the hair has been enjoying a summer of freedom also. It gets kinda wavy and curly when I let it grow which is usually a sign to shave it all off.

I found the beard trimmer yesterday and charged it so was able to have a crack at it today. It’s no easy feat to cut your hair with a beard trimmer but after about half an hour of carefully and gradually reducing the length I think I just about cracked it. At the front at least. I think perhaps I may have the beginnings of a mullet at the back but it’ll do for now.

Tomorrow I am hoping to have a crack at my youngest’s hair. He had a lockdown cut from the missus using only a pair of blunt kitchen scissors and whilst it looked okay at first it now looks like a scruffy version of Boris Johnson.

If that can even be a thing…

Corona Lock down Diaries – Day 1

How has your experience been?

I know it is not day 1, we are obviously at what feels like 427 days into lockdown, but this is the first day I have chosen to write about it. It may be my last too. Not as in it is my last day but in that I may not choose to write about it again.

On the work front, it has been a pretty easy ride for me so far. I run a team of financial modellers for a large bank and they sent us home even before the lockdown was declared and they have been brilliant in supporting us. We can order whatever equipment we need, they pay us whether we can actually get any work done or not, and on that front it has been pretty plain sailing. There are challenges of course but moaning about them would seem petty. Ive managed to move to a 4 day week, have developed a taste for home working and do not really ever see myself returning to the office full time even after this shit storm has passed. If anything, I think I am working harder and longer than before.

At home there have been a few challenges given that we commenced a building project to renovate the 3 cellars in the house two weeks before lockdown so have been living in a building site for a couple of months but we seem to have ridden that pretty well. Yes we only have a few usable rooms and yes, it’s filthier than a whore’s nickers but there are worse things going on out there right. Some of the builders have recently returned which has posed a few issues with trying to social distance inside our own home but now that they have fitted a toilet in the cellar and the separate entrance we don’t really see them much but we know they are down there because of the absolute bedlam of hammering and drilling going on.

Home schooling has been hilarious. I did some volunteer teaching a while back and quite enjoyed it so figured I might be good at this. Turns out I could not be more wrong. I have neither the patience, aptitude nor – at this is probably the most important point – intelligence to teach my own children. Fortunately the wife is far more intelligent (yes I have said it MRs Afterwards if you read this) and suited to it than I am so she has for the most part taken up the mantle of teacher. It still occasionally results in shouting, crying and threats of putting the boys up for adoption but all we can do is try.

So day to day things seem pretty much in hand. I will admit that the whole thing certainly has me anxious on a number of fronts – as it does most people I am sure. We have family members who are isolated on their own, there is always the worry of what if’ and there is the inevitable endless speculation about where this all ends. The wife is more pragmatic than me in these things so she has been doing most of the shopping as I definitely worry about going outside more than she does. On that front though I can;t actually get out much right now anyway because on Friday I fell down a step heading outside and have damaged my ankle pretty badly so am not particularly mobile right now. Funny thing is though, as I fell I knew it was going to be bad and in less than a second I clearly remember throwing myself forward to prevent me doing something even worse to it thinking “Fuck this, I ain’t going to no hospital!”

I think that is about enough for now. That has you mostly caught up with our general situation and I will possibly write more now that I’ve started…

Sunset

Words and more words and more words still…

Memories in monochrome, sweet youth now seems so far away

and slowly memories ebb and flow, sandcastles crumbling in the tide

And walls fall down she cannot hide

Heart’s windows closed, doors locked, inside

She waits, so frail, her mind to long lost days does stray

Remembering, those rainbow days

Grey swept away, bright lights so shine

And lovers limbs do sweet entwine

Once more taste embrace divine

And hand in hand he finds her there in summer’s perfumed haze.

And so he leads her, barefoot, laughing, youth restored

Down paths familiar painted through the years

In love and joy, devoid of fears

And through the door, there no more tears

At last she rests, home, much loved and adored

Forgetting

Blah blah Blah words

The brightness of the things that were

Like summer sun warm on the skin

Now shadows cast, and blind her gaze

And endless days to night give way

Until they set, horizons crimson

Set ablaze just one last time

No more remembers, dawn will come

Follows the embers, She remembers him no more

And light once more reveals her beauty

Safe in the warmth, new days embrace

Limerick?

Pretty sure this is a thing. Bet there are web sites dedicated to it.

Once a fellow who gladly would savour

His gaseous girls rectal flavour

Inhaled her bottom gusts

and they filled him with lust

Made more foul by the beans that he gave her

____________

Here’s a follow up, a 2 for 1

____________

A foul smelling fan, name of Martin

Got turned on when his wife started farting

He’d breath in butt aroma

Made him quite a loud moaner

He’d explode when her butt cheeks were parting

_________

Sorry

Not sorry

2000AD Stuff – My Sov-Judge Badge

The latest edition to my 2000AD collection of stuff.

Heres another one I purchased a while back. The 2000AD Apocolypse War stories were some of the most influential strips when I was growing up and I could not resist this when I saw it. It is a 2 type resin cast with a stand and just quite fabulous! It has a little stand for displaying.

You can get a peek here of some of the other stuff I have added about my love…

https://afterwards.blog/2020/04/06/2000ad-stuff-my-carlos-ezquerra-lawgiver-replica/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/09/02/2000ad-art-rogue-trooper-by-mike-collins/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/05/my-dredd-tattoo-2/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/07/my-other-dredd-tattoo/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/08/08/2000ad-art-dredd-and-the-dark-judges-david-bircham/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/22/2000ad-action-figure-judge-death/

https://afterwards.blog/2018/07/05/2000ad-script-t-b-grover-alan-grant-and-art-by-cliff-robinson/