Limerick?

It is Monday after all. Just about. It just about rhymes. Kinda.

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An adventurous lassie from Derry

To her boyfriend: “Take my anal cherry”

Though he gagged on the fruit

Of her unwashed poop chute

Not to mention it was rather hairy

 

 

Always you

Just a few libnes…I’m off to bed.

Should I ever turn and find you gone

and memories are all I have

then each as treasure I would hold

each precious as the next.

 

Each sweet caress and gentle word

heart racing at your touch

and incomplete I recollect

each morning by your side.

 

For time and tide may senses dull

diminished may I be

you shine as bright as summer sun

and home is where I find you still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Families

This is one I did for linda that I will not post here but please go see her and follow her because she is fab.  Do it!

https://mainepaperpusher.wordpress.com/2019/04/19/guest-in-jest-93-afterwards/

 


Families

We all have them.  Mostly.  I mean there are those that don’t see them, or don’t particularly care for them.  There are those that have disowned them and live a blissful existence where they are never obliged to try and see them once a year so as to not feel like a complete bastard –  even though a reciprocal visit is as unlikely as is a simple thanks for the present you sent their kids.
Heavens I am sure there are people out there who don’t have to like someone simply because they fell out of their vagina.
Okay so thinking about it I will admit that there are those who have, by fate or choice, simply ended up without any.   But we’ve all had them at some point then.  Let’s settle on that shall we.
Anyway my point was that I wanted to share a tale or two from mine this week.
I have two boys and like to think I’ve done my best and when last week the youngest looked most upset when watching a TV show about cancer patients and how 2 in 4 people will get the disease I thought “yeah, empathy, good qualities.”  Mrs’ Afterwards eyes welled up as we were encouraged to dial in and pledge just £2 to cancer research and she looked over to Aterwards Junior and assured him that it was okay, it was just part of life, but before she was able to assure him further he explained that “fingers crossed it’s you and dad that get it” and not him and his brother..
I see a career in politics or the church for him surely.
There was also an incident at the end of a particularly tricky day with my eldest who, despite being a lovely gentle boy, is prone to outbursts of profanity when I am perhaps a little less understanding of his hormonal situation as I might be.  He is 14 after all.  Anyway, the boys were tucked in bed and I came down from checking on them and Mrs Afterwards insisted that wasn’t it good that he hadn’t once insisted I fuck off this evening.  Straight faced.
To make it worse I actually agreed thinking yeah, I am fucking super dad!
The week though was crowned by a moment of such glorious madness that I believe I will be telling the tale for many a year.
A particular family member came out you see.  After more than four and a half decades a certain someone decided that in fact he was gay and had been fighting it for many years and was ready to admit to it and see where that lead.
More wonderful than this act of self acceptance though was his mother’s response.
She insisted that if that was his choice then he better not use her tooth brush ever again and there was absolutely  no way she would ever again eat any of his leftovers.
I mean what the fuck.
Dissect that as you will.
I mean does she think she will catch something from him using her toothbrush?  To be fair I don’t want to share one with anyone regardless of who they choose to place themselves inside.  Does she think she will catch syphilis if she eats his leftover sausage roll?
Does she think you can catch gay?
She is 75 so maybe she is worried she will eat half of his cheese and pickle sandwich and wake up desperate for a shaven headed tattooed lass to eat her out and then insist she fist her and there’s no way she can, not with her arthritic wrists?!?!
Oh god maybe Freddie Mercury got aids after sharing a family size bag of crisps with some bloke in a night club toilet?
People eh

Kiss my nuts

Okay so perhaps a work in progress title but it got your attention I am sure. Just in one of those moods 🙂 Sorry. Kinda.

Were I at last to recognise the thing that we became

The thorny, bristling, spite filled rage

That spews from me onto the page

And like so many through the age,

At last I give it name.

 

My not again, my what the fuck, my who the hell was I

Quite compromised, unrecognised

And like those fools, philosophised

That I was there, just drowned by lies

And watched as life passed by.

 

And then, unshackled, this my thought

Regret no more, not turning back

And craving not the things I lack

now place your lips upon my sack

And kiss them like you ought.

 

 

 

2000AD Art – Baberace 2000

Prog 886 11 May 1994

Not shown you any of this for a while have I.

I think perhaps I have too much of this art work lark because I found this behind the couch and have no idea when I bought it.  The couch is about two years old so I guess I have a rough time frame.

Pretty stuff though.  Acetate overlay on four pages of ‘Baberace 2000’ written by Mark Millar and drawn by Anthony Williams with lettering courtesy of the wonderful Ellie deVille.  Glorioustically stylistice and so very of it’s time and it remainsl so wonderfully vibrant even after 25 years.

Ive just realised I have another Anthony Williams piece on the wall next to me where I am sat.  I will have to show you that another time becasue it is a rather special piece indeed.

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Inappropriate Saturday Limerick!

Stay well away. You have been warned.

Friend of mine met a girl, dating started

Shit himself when he thought he’d just farted

He was out on a date

Though it turned out quite great

Coprophiliac, got her legs parted

 

Not sure what a coprophiliac is?  Google it.  Dare you.

 

Actually it reminded me of these from years ago…

Fetish Haiku – Chasmophilia

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fetish Haiku – Forniphilia

Chilled

Come on, were all a bit too serious sometimes

In sleep I kiss your lips now cold

and miss the hand I used to hold

but god you made me feel so old

I’m kind of glad you’re dead

 

Heart’s drift apart when rent asunder

but can you blame you blame me there’s no wonder

from day one it was quite a blunder

should have listened to what friends said.

 

Mouth full of lies and legs oft parted

and that time you shit when farted

Inside I smiled when you were carted

to final slumber’s bed.

 

On and on such endless droning

pretty mouth but so much moaning

okay so I quite liked you groaning

when you were giving head.

 

But time moves on and people change

yeah yeah I know I may be strange

but jesus you were most deranged

and filled us all with dread.

 

So fare thee well, you did expire

now consumed with roaring fire

toast marshmellow on funeral pyre

I’m glad you’re gone, ’nuff said.

Debris

Just one of these things.

This cliff top wreckage of the place that once our hope protected

I stand and feel the chill of night as shadows slowly lengthen

And as my thoughts are drawn to betrayed memory of promise

Those icy fingers of regret squeeze tight and leave me gasping.

 

No night, no stars, no restless slumber

Horizon sparks and crackles

Into this tempest I will run

And scream your name one final time.

 

Lungs bursting, eyes red as the blood

That thunders through these veins

The words are lost as rising waters

Drag your ghost to inky depths.

 

And on that beach as morning comes and calm creeps with the sun

I turn , soft waves lap at my feet, and look back one last time

There in that place where love once blossomed nothing now remains

Your name now lost upon the breeze that blows upon my face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things I cannot do

We’re all shit in our own unique way.

There are things that I am good at which I am comfortable with.  I do a decent limerick, I”m shit hot with spreadsheets , and I make a bakewell tart so good that you’d likely let me touch you inappropriately just for a slice.  I think there are others but thise are the ones that spring to mind.

This though is not about my ability to make Microsoft Excel talk to you and tell you it wants to watch you take a pee.

This is about my inability to fold towels.

Well I can fold them but for the life of me I cannot get any of them the same bastard size.  It’s never been something I thought about much, intent as I was in the past to stack them in such a way as to make a pretty pyramid akin to the sort you get if you get a bundle as a gift.

God that’s a depressing thought in itself isn’t it.  A gift of towels.  Reminds me of the Christmas I found myself disappointed I never got any socks.  I died a bit inside that day I tell you.

I am also not talking making towels of vastly differing sizes fold to a similar footprint.  That would be stupid.  Hmm.  I think I’m still pretty crabby about it.

No, thing is Mrs Afterwards has this knack of folding all the varied towels and they all end up beign of a similar size and stack wonderfully and whilst she doesn’t admit it I know she is smug as fuck about it.  Well I would be if I had achieved such a feat.

Today I decided I would do the same and it did not go well.

Within ten minutes I happened to call a particularly tricky black bath sheet a bastard in front of the youngest, and followed that up by telling all the fluffy white ones to go screw themselves because even the ones of the same size refused to allow themselves to be folded to the same dimensions.

Eventually I rolled them all up instead like in a hotel but they didn’t fit on the stand in the bathroom so redid them just like one of those lovely stacks you get as a gift from your sister when you move into a new home.

Anyway, I imagine it is something passed down from mother to daughter but there is no way I am asking the missus.  I’d rather air dry.

That reminds me, does anyone know how to change a duvet cover.  Last time I did one I ended up with a prolapsed sphincter and a dislocated shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey look another limerick

More than 600 limericks and first time I have used ‘front bum’.
Yeah I know, surprised me too.

Woman, goodstanding of the judiciary

had a front bum that smelled like a fishery

She would hand down decrees,

Judgements, consider pleas

But if upwind then that was true misery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bound

Just one of these things.

When skies turn grey, horizon’s shrouded

Compass bearing wayward, lost

I find my comfort wrapped in you

and threads that bind, knit tight.

Drawing  close such warmth I find

life’s colours woven through this cloth

though mended, frayed, it’s patched with love

and never out of reach.

This love, this life, our ever more

through storms that roar and rage,

my shelter until morning comes

and sun shines on my face.

Yawn, yet another limerick.

Not sure if this is a thing but I am sure it is somewhere. It works if you get the rhythm. Not that you want to . You’ve been warned.

A perverted yet grateful lass Julie

In bed, poo obsessed and unruly

Do a crap on your chest

In it sign “All the best,

Twas surely a real treat, yours truly.”

ReD

Words perhaps? Not Rhymey ones. The other type.

Lips like fire set worlds ablaze

and reckless how they run

those crimson tongues charred ruins make

and promise they turn to ash.

In sweat soaked sheets they smoulder still

the merest spark brings it to life

and lies once more sing sweetest strain

until burnt out flame fades to black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My First Book

Seems I wrote one…

I have written before about why I started my blog.  For those who missed it one of the main reasons was due to a friend who’s wife, an aspiring writer and a vile human being, insisting that anyone that self publishes does so as an act of vanity which is probably why she had never been published and for the most part refused to work.  Writers retreats she enjoyed a plenty I believe.

Anyway, perhaps I ended up proving her point, but I suggested to my friend that I would from that day forth take up writing and publish a book before she did just to prove the point that surely it isn’t that hard and perhaps if she wasn’t such a horrible cow she might have achieved more.

Anyway, the result of that rant can now be found on Amazon in the form of my first book ‘A Collection of Inappropriate Limericks.  Its only 300 or so of my limericks but it’s something I guess.  Something I made that perhaps my grandkids will hold one day and ask “What the fuck was wrong with Grandad?”

Paperback out now with the E-book to follow on the twelfth mostly because I made a mistake setting it up and couldn’t work out how to remedy it.’

Oh and I dedicated it to her too.  Seemed only right.

Paperback in the UK is here

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1916089011

And in the US here

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1916089011

UK E-Book can be preordered here for delivery on the 12th of April.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07QF58TYM

 

The US E-Book is here

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QF58TYM

 

Who’d have thought it eh…