A few pictures from my phone from Decemnber
always a good way to start the year…
Once a hirsuite chap from old Bulgaria
had a lass though he wanted her hairier
arms and legs, butt and back
craved the hair in her crack
in fact liked her to look like a terrier
Next up, new year!
Christmas day comes at last to an end
dad’s been racist, your sis banged your friend
Grandad’s shit in his bed
“Gifts were garbage!” kids said
it was great though, let’s all just pretend
See, I really kinda like it…
Excuse the typo, I can’t be bothered to redo it…
When one becomes two
and two becomes too many
and judgement impaired
And a pear martini in a pear tree…
It’s a slippery slope this Christmas period when it comes to dieting. If the scales are to believe then cocktails are the most calorific foodstuff known to mankind.
Now I know I have had a lot in the last few days with a work Christmas night out and a party at our home but it seems the olympic nutritionalists out there are missing a trick because if you want to prepare for a marathon race or the 10000m against a pack of Ethiopians then you need to be preparing by quaffing half a dozed porn star martinis and a jug of woo woo.
You dont need high altitude training if you’re plannign on taking on the Chinese on the high board – you need a chocolate martini and a couple of white russians. Need to have a crack at a couple of bulgarian wrestlers? A purple rain is just the tonic.
I am going to try and do better in the run up to Christmas I really am, but if I slip then you know what I will simply declare that I am in training and watch out Mo Farah, I’m coming for you you skinny bastard!
Be careful this party season
The alcohol flows
HR, busy January
Bringing you puppies and sweeties in his big blacked out van
He sneaks into your house late at night
while you sleep creeps around, lights shine bright
his full sack he then spills
neath your tree, oh such thrills
Then he enters your chimney, delight.
Each to their own I guess.
Starts with a baby
all ends a little stabby
now we just buy gifts
Family and all that…
Each year I tend to see my family well before Christmas for our get together because my dad works away a lot of the time so we tend to fit it in where we can, and today was that day.
My parents were there, my sister and her husband and step daughter, my brother and his wife and two of his children and the 4 of us. We don’t get together that often, perhaps a couple of times a year at best, and It was mostly as you would expect from a family gathering – there was food, the exchange of gifts and a few games before we all headed or seperate ways again.
The top highlights for me though were, in no particular order:
My dad announcing rather loudly and somewhat proudly that he must go and have a poo as the gift unwrapping started. We didn’t wait as he tends to be a lingerer.
I commented that my nephew looks like his mum (not my brothers current wife) and he amusingly asked whether he really looked like an alcoholic middle aged woman. And if you are wondering yes he does. Not a great look for a 16 year old.
My vegetarian wife being warned that one of the cheesy pastry things was best avoided as it had pepperoni in it and she should instead have one of the other ones. Turns out that that one only had really small pieces of ham in it so it’s almost meat free.
When playing games the question was “name 3 ways to make a baby stop crying.” My niece offered “Feed it, sing to it, give it a bottle.” My eldest offered “Stab it.” Quite a lot of disturning baby murder jokes ensued.
Family eh! Happy early Christmas…
Okay so Jesus never said that but he might have.
Oh bring me your turkey, it’s anus and gizzards
it’s Christmas and we need to eat
this fellow was killed and hung up on a cross
so rejoice with some servings of meat
I’ll have sweet panda sausage and lashings of gravy
a pie made of puppies and cats
and some spicy kebabs made of hamsters and gerbils
and a bbq sauce made of rats
Give me eagle wings sticky with dark sweet molasses
and elephant steaks thick and rare
and a slow roasted monkey with sides of plump rabbit
and a soup full of grilled koala bear
maybe curry with kittens or maybe a souffle
of lightly browned mice or some sparrow
and a serving of horse topped with mash and some carrots
or a stew with a soft llama bone marrow
And let’s not forget dishes with sauteed gorilla
and some spicy meat balls made of camel
for it’s Christmas you see and as Jesus once said
“Eat it up, oh rejoice, cook than mammal!”
Snow Crisp, blue skies, mulled wine, mince pies
wonder seen in children’s eyes
and gifts unwrappd with such surprise
in the hearth a fire burns
And family travels many miles
break bread together, warmest smiles
’tis season now to reconcile
as slowly seasons turn
And bellies full and drink it flows
facades they fade and contempt grows
and pretty soon they come to blows
past sleights so soon return
And dad gets smashed, insults son’s wife
siblings argue, filled with strife
and mother cries, she hates her life
for someone else she yearns
And she says he’s “just like his dad”
Then he protests “well youre mum’s mad!
and when she’s dead I will be glad!”
and children lessons learn
of family feuds and anger lingers
whilse drunken uncle Albert fingers
his own anus, in the bathroom lingers
without care or concern
They scream and shout, insults and hate
and cry and sob but it’s too late
the damage done, ain’t Christmas great
when will we ever learn…
I saw you kissing mummy underneath the mistletoe last night just like in the song which was very exciting. Or at least she said it was you.
I must say I didn’t know that there was a Jamaican Santa. You must get cold because you didn’t have a shirt or trousers on so will be having a word with my friend Kira who comes from Kingston and has never ever mentioned this.
I must say I do love your dreadlocks too.
I am surprised that mummy got any presents at all though because of how hard you were spanking her. She must have been very very naughty so its really kind of you to leave her something. Was it because she was begging for you to empty your sack so much? Probably right?
I don’t know why she was suggesting you dump everything down her chimney though because we live in Florida so dont have a fireplace. She has a terrible memory though and often forgets things like dinner and laundry . Was her forgetfulness why you kept asking her to say your name?
Anyway it was very kind of you to visit us especially because daddy is away with work so often.
Lots of love
P.s. She did actually share the presents with us even though you said she should take it all.
P.p.s She drank all the eggnog too I think because there was none left in the house but she did still have some on her chin. Greedy mummy.
Personally I love it but I know not everyone is a fan so here’s somethign different.
Night still and calm all through the night
They travel ‘cross the skies
And pull their load for girls and boys
For Christmas morn surprise
With Gifts wrapped bright such joy they bring
And never ever late
Beneath the tree their cargo sits
For youngsters to locate
And off once more away they set
God speed into the night
Unknownst to them below he has
Them firmly in his sight
He calms his breath and sets his sight
a finger on the trigger
and zooms right in above the heart
the target he makes bigger
For meat he craves, and prey to hunt
A quarry none have taken
This year it’s reindeer meat he craves
A sausage wrapped in bacon
Or chops or ribs or tender flank
Or maybe steak’s the answer
Or Rudolph snout or Blitzen pie
Or lightly sautéed Dancer
He holds his breath, squeezes a shot
that echoes in the night
and watches, slowly as it snows
and ends their lives mid flight
What a perfectly normal post. feels odd really. Even a little dirty, like I’m role playing being an adult…
Right so there’s just about time to do another month of whole30 before Christmas give or take a day. The last few months have been a bit on off for all manner of reasons but I am feeling motivated to have another round and get things back on track.
Looking back I feel so much better that I did when I started in July with my energy noticeably improved, I am sleeping better and obviously weight wise it has been a winner too. I have discovered all sorts of things I enjoy to eat (I’m looking at you here guacamole) and my family are enjoying some of the benefits too but I do think I could have done better.
So for the next 30 days I am going to do my damnedest to give it one big push and I shall share the experience more often that just weekly…Might be tricky in the run up to Christmas but if I can do it until the 24th then I know I can do it any time.
So how has today gone? Well I missed breakfast as was on the school run and straight after I popped to do some grocery shopping. I decided to stay away from red meat but did stock up on fish and a little chicken too. I bought a ton of vegetables and already had lots of fruit in too.
For lunch I made a salad with mackerel, tomoatoes, onion, salt and pepper and a squeeze of fresh lemon juice and you know what, it was bloody gorgeous. For those that like to count calories the fish was about 330 and the other bits take it to maybe 500 in total. I also had an apple, a pink lady, which is my favourite. The mackerel is just the sort that is vacuum packed so probably not perfectly whole30 but meh, I was shopping at LIDL it’s hardly the easiest place to shop…
Anyway, taste wise it was fabulous and as I have half a pack of the fish left I am going to have it for my tea tonight too.
The biggest challenge today has been resisting the rice pudding sat in the fridge that I made yesterday. I did it with paella rice and oh god it is so delivious, especially this time of year when its so chilly out, but resist I did 🙂
and a limerick…
you, yes you…
Based in fiction obviously
Im not a fan of fundamentalists of any kind these days, and I dont give nearly enough abuse to these foul despicable Jihadi types. Pity there isn’t a hell as it would be nice to imagine them all there gnashing and wailing…
Based in fiction obviously
I watched the most recent league of Gentlemen and have had Tubbs on my mind very much and this is somewhat driven by that image of her with the pig. If you’ve seen it you know the one. If not you should. Or what about that episode of Black Mirror with the pig. Oh yes that one!
Think I better cross it…
Bestiality fan from Tibet
Would see kittens, break out in a sweat
She once fondled a puppy
Rubbed her boobs on a guppy
Let a couple of rats make her wet
Just a small matter of gender pronouns
young fellow unsure of his sex
found the subject intense, left him vexed
was it her, it or him,
Mr, miss, sir or shim
gender pronouns really are complex
Wholly inappropriate for a Tuesday if you ask me…
A girl name of Kirsty Mcwhirter
great in bed and a bit of a squirter
she would cry out your name
just as if quite in pain
by the noise you would think that you’d hurt her
What? I like writing them…change isn’t always good.
Once a vicar quite fond of the whisky
found it made him quite hot and most frisky
one bleak Sunday in Lent
he’s caught pitching a tent
caused some fuss I can tell you , quite risque
That just about sets the tone for 2018 I reckon.