Once a hirsuite chap from old Bulgaria
had a lass though he wanted her hairier
arms and legs, butt and back
craved the hair in her crack
in fact liked her to look like a terrier
Lets Limerick shall we.
always a good way to start the year…
Tag: Santa
Up Yours Christmas – 12 – The twelfth moan of Christmas
Next up, new year!
Christmas day comes at last to an end
dad’s been racist, your sis banged your friend
Grandad’s shit in his bed
“Gifts were garbage!” kids said
it was great though, let’s all just pretend
Up yours Christmas – 11 – Merry Christmas
See, I really kinda like it…
Up Yours Christmas – 10 – Out with the lads
Excuse the typo, I can’t be bothered to redo it…
When one becomes two
and two becomes too many
and judgement impaired
Up Yours Christmas – 9 – Oink Oink
And a pear martini in a pear tree…
It’s a slippery slope this Christmas period when it comes to dieting. If the scales are to believe then cocktails are the most calorific foodstuff known to mankind.
Now I know I have had a lot in the last few days with a work Christmas night out and a party at our home but it seems the olympic nutritionalists out there are missing a trick because if you want to prepare for a marathon race or the 10000m against a pack of Ethiopians then you need to be preparing by quaffing half a dozed porn star martinis and a jug of woo woo.
You dont need high altitude training if you’re plannign on taking on the Chinese on the high board – you need a chocolate martini and a couple of white russians. Need to have a crack at a couple of bulgarian wrestlers? A purple rain is just the tonic.
I am going to try and do better in the run up to Christmas I really am, but if I slip then you know what I will simply declare that I am in training and watch out Mo Farah, I’m coming for you you skinny bastard!
Up Yours Christmas – 8 – Office party haiku
Be careful this party season
The alcohol flows
HR, busy January
careers ruined
Up Yours Christmas – 7 – Old Saint Nicky limericky
Bringing you puppies and sweeties in his big blacked out van
He sneaks into your house late at night
while you sleep creeps around, lights shine bright
his full sack he then spills
neath your tree, oh such thrills
Then he enters your chimney, delight.
Up Yours Christmas – 6 – Screw you Xmas haiku
Each to their own I guess.
Starts with a baby
all ends a little stabby
now we just buy gifts
Up Yours Christmas – 5 – Family Gathering
Family and all that…
Each year I tend to see my family well before Christmas for our get together because my dad works away a lot of the time so we tend to fit it in where we can, and today was that day.
My parents were there, my sister and her husband and step daughter, my brother and his wife and two of his children and the 4 of us. We don’t get together that often, perhaps a couple of times a year at best, and It was mostly as you would expect from a family gathering – there was food, the exchange of gifts and a few games before we all headed or seperate ways again.
The top highlights for me though were, in no particular order:
My dad announcing rather loudly and somewhat proudly that he must go and have a poo as the gift unwrapping started. We didn’t wait as he tends to be a lingerer.
I commented that my nephew looks like his mum (not my brothers current wife) and he amusingly asked whether he really looked like an alcoholic middle aged woman. And if you are wondering yes he does. Not a great look for a 16 year old.
My vegetarian wife being warned that one of the cheesy pastry things was best avoided as it had pepperoni in it and she should instead have one of the other ones. Turns out that that one only had really small pieces of ham in it so it’s almost meat free.
When playing games the question was “name 3 ways to make a baby stop crying.” My niece offered “Feed it, sing to it, give it a bottle.” My eldest offered “Stab it.” Quite a lot of disturning baby murder jokes ensued.
Family eh! Happy early Christmas…
Up Yours Christmas – 4 – Meat
Okay so Jesus never said that but he might have.
Oh bring me your turkey, it’s anus and gizzards
it’s Christmas and we need to eat
this fellow was killed and hung up on a cross
so rejoice with some servings of meat
I’ll have sweet panda sausage and lashings of gravy
a pie made of puppies and cats
and some spicy kebabs made of hamsters and gerbils
and a bbq sauce made of rats
Give me eagle wings sticky with dark sweet molasses
and elephant steaks thick and rare
and a slow roasted monkey with sides of plump rabbit
and a soup full of grilled koala bear
maybe curry with kittens or maybe a souffle
of lightly browned mice or some sparrow
and a serving of horse topped with mash and some carrots
or a stew with a soft llama bone marrow
And let’s not forget dishes with sauteed gorilla
and some spicy meat balls made of camel
for it’s Christmas you see and as Jesus once said
“Eat it up, oh rejoice, cook than mammal!”
Up Yours Christmas – 3 – Friends and Family
Families eh!
Snow Crisp, blue skies, mulled wine, mince pies
wonder seen in children’s eyes
and gifts unwrappd with such surprise
in the hearth a fire burns
And family travels many miles
break bread together, warmest smiles
’tis season now to reconcile
as slowly seasons turn
And bellies full and drink it flows
facades they fade and contempt grows
and pretty soon they come to blows
past sleights so soon return
And dad gets smashed, insults son’s wife
siblings argue, filled with strife
and mother cries, she hates her life
for someone else she yearns
And she says he’s “just like his dad”
Then he protests “well youre mum’s mad!
and when she’s dead I will be glad!”
and children lessons learn
of family feuds and anger lingers
whilse drunken uncle Albert fingers
his own anus, in the bathroom lingers
without care or concern
They scream and shout, insults and hate
and cry and sob but it’s too late
the damage done, ain’t Christmas great
when will we ever learn…
Up yours Christmas – 2 – I saw mummy
Dear Santa
I saw you kissing mummy underneath the mistletoe last night just like in the song which was very exciting. Or at least she said it was you.
I must say I didn’t know that there was a Jamaican Santa. You must get cold because you didn’t have a shirt or trousers on so will be having a word with my friend Kira who comes from Kingston and has never ever mentioned this.
I must say I do love your dreadlocks too.
I am surprised that mummy got any presents at all though because of how hard you were spanking her. She must have been very very naughty so its really kind of you to leave her something. Was it because she was begging for you to empty your sack so much? Probably right?
I don’t know why she was suggesting you dump everything down her chimney though because we live in Florida so dont have a fireplace. She has a terrible memory though and often forgets things like dinner and laundry . Was her forgetfulness why you kept asking her to say your name?
Anyway it was very kind of you to visit us especially because daddy is away with work so often.
Lots of love
James
P.s. She did actually share the presents with us even though you said she should take it all.
P.p.s She drank all the eggnog too I think because there was none left in the house but she did still have some on her chin. Greedy mummy.
.
Up Yours Christmas – 1 – Jingle Bells
Personally I love it but I know not everyone is a fan so here’s somethign different.
Night still and calm all through the night
They travel ‘cross the skies
And pull their load for girls and boys
For Christmas morn surprise
With Gifts wrapped bright such joy they bring
And never ever late
Beneath the tree their cargo sits
For youngsters to locate
And off once more away they set
God speed into the night
Unknownst to them below he has
Them firmly in his sight
He calms his breath and sets his sight
a finger on the trigger
and zooms right in above the heart
the target he makes bigger
For meat he craves, and prey to hunt
A quarry none have taken
This year it’s reindeer meat he craves
A sausage wrapped in bacon
Or chops or ribs or tender flank
Or maybe steak’s the answer
Or Rudolph snout or Blitzen pie
Or lightly sautéed Dancer
He holds his breath, squeezes a shot
that echoes in the night
and watches, slowly as it snows
and ends their lives mid flight
Dark Christmas – Light
A quick thing about a thing
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
Stars snuffed out as space he crossed
consuming all before
until a planet full of life
green hill ran to blue shore
A Timeless creature dark of heart
in search he roams the night
presented with this gift of life
and joy and streaming light
Each heart a feast each soul divine
each mind a thing to savour
he gorges, belly fat and round
lips smack tongue tastes sweet flavour
And over time into their world
they welcome him arms wide
and worship at his festival
tell tales by fire side
His garments red his beard like snow
red eyes, teeth sharp, blood claws
he stalks in search of prey at nights
until the winter thaws
And then he slumbers until once
again the frost awakes
and hunger drives him ever on
and heart and soul he takes
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Dark Christmas – Stable
And on that day a child shall be born, and his name shall be…
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
Horse rubbed himself against the stable wall, “Oh that feels so good” he said scratching an itch that had been troubling him for some time. “That was some crazy goings on last night” he said to anyone that was willing to listen.
Cow looked up from her breakfast “Not a fan of babies myself” she answered “especially not squidgy pink human ones.”
Chicken clucked in agreement as Pig snorted.
“I’m just glad they’ve gone. As if the way they treat us isn’t bad enough now they’re stealing our sleeping space” Pig said sharply.
“Apparently he was the son of God you know” Horse continued.
“Who?” said Cow chewing slowly.
“That baby, the Jesus one.”
Chicken clucked and flapped her wings and was about to speak when Pig interrupted.
“What are you on about?”
“Seriously” Horse said nodding, “I heard them say so.”
“Fuck off” said pig “why would God have his kid born in a stable” she asked grumpily.
“Pig, language” Cow snapped.
Pig wandered over to the trough and began to eat. “Seems a bit ridiculous to me that’s all” she said, food spilling from her mouth.
Chicken flapped her wings and opened her beak to speak but was again interrupted.
“It’s true” Horse said, “Apparently God sent those fellows with the camels and those shepherds “
“Why on earth would he do that?” Pig asked.
Cow looked at Horse. Horse said nothing.
Chicken saw her opportunity and hopped up onto Cows back. “I was speaking to Dog from two streets down” she clucked, “and you know what he told me?” she asked.
“Go on” Pig said finishing the last of the food in the trough.
“Well” Chicken continued, “Dog told me that there was a baby born over at their Inn last night too and there were apparently heavenly apparitions, a voice from the sky and a beam of light that shone on the baby when it came out!”
She paused for dramatic effect as the animals looked at one another.
“What did they call it?” Cow asked curiously.
“Darren” Chicken answered.
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Dark Christmas – Sleigh
My twisted Christmas continues…
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
Sleigh bells ring and blood runs cold
The Fear runs through your veins
Night time falls and tales of old
They tell of just one name
His clothes blood stained, a heart of black
A list of wicked names
His jingle bells, on darkness dwell
Brings death and dark and pain
And should he find you unprepared
Through window, chimney, door
He sneaks inside your soul to take
Your days to end. No more.
Into the night he whisks away
bad children, down to hell
Not fire, but ice and there to stay
And in his kingdom dwell
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Dark Christmas – Chimney
I seem to have a recurring theme starting here. I think I might have Santa issues…
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
https://mindescapes.net/2017/11/30/mindescapes-christmas-challenge-2017/
As darkness falls and blankets pulled
up tight around your ears
across the town the crunch of boots
on snow and darkest fears
Door handles rattled, windows checked
Through letter box he peeps
Wild eyes, sharp teeth and fingers gnarled
As you pretend to sleep
He knows, he sees, he understands
Just how you have behaved
He watches day and night and follows
From the cradle to the grave
And should he know, perhaps suspect
You’ve not done as you should
Onto your roof he clambers
All because you’ve not been good
And down your chimney he will slip
When fast asleep you dream
And whisk you off to darkest lair
Where no one hears you scream
Dark Christmas – Naughty
Good luck getting this image out of your head once you’ve read it.
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
The gifts delivered to the homes
The reindeers put away
And Santa stumbles off to bed
But Mrs wants to play
“Now you look here” his wife insists
“I know you’ve been at work
But a woman has her needs you know”
And slowly starts to twerk
He cocks his head and strokes his chin
her bottom starts to shake
“Oh love I’m feeling tired”
No excuses will she take
She bumps and grinds her lips red bright
She wiggles and gyrates
Stockings, basque and ‘Screw me shoes’
Much longer she cant wait
His suit undone his belly proud
She nibbles, sucks and bites
Hes suddenly less tired
And his trousers feel quite tight
“Oh go on then” he smiles and slaps
Her playful on the arse
“One more bulging sack to empty
Then its off to bed at last”
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Dark Christmas – Town
You better watch out…
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
As night falls, all through the town
When the children start to slumber
There comes a man his hood pulled down
His heart all black and thunder
it rages, coursing through his veins
and soul as dark as pitch
he searches for the homes and seeks
the curtains as they twitch
inside he creeps they scurry fast
he knows they’re wide awake
to take their souls, exchanged for gifts
be good for goodness sake
Dark Christmas – Donkey
My favourite Christmas carol has always been ‘Little Donkey’
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
I shared today’s post with my youngest Thomas and he came up with this. Tom is 9 and seems to rather enjoy trying his hand at poetry. Good work boy!
Donkey travelled through the night
On his back he carried heavenly light
The little heroes name was Kevin
And he carried the boy from heaven
Below is my effort. I think Tom did a better job. I’m going for a free form morbid nihilist first donkey perspective kind of vibe. I think I smashed it.
What? It’s a thing…Donkey’s can write poetry you know, they just don’t write it down because of the hooves.
Long dark roads
Dust and despair fill my every waking hour
Family and friends long forgotten
We eat through the miles
We pass through the night
They rest on my back as we follow the star
No food no water no hope
Onwards they drive me
Through the night towards day break
Silver and gold spill across the land
Day brings scorching heat
I wish I was dead
Ive never written free form before. I think it shows.
Dark Christmas – Nice
Theres someone in your house and he means to do you harm…
Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.
mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017
Red clad he stalks outside your home
He sneaks in while you sleep
Your kids he watches in their beds
through frosted windows peeps
You lock your doors and fasten shut
Your windows for you dread
Into your home he will still come
And find you in your bed
He looks for reasons, punishment
Will follow have no doubt
If you raise you voice or dare to cry
And god forbid you pout
For down your chimney he will come
His clothes all stained with black
And lingers in your living room
There with his bulging sack
He spills his goods upon your floor
They’re all the things you need
All wrapped with bows and glittery
The symbols of your greed
And unto him you pledge yourself
And worship at his throne
To him you pledge eternal self
Until he calls you home
Then in his workshop you will slave
and he feeds upon your pain
and day and night you’ll toil until
December comes again
Tales of Tinsel – Room 101
101 words with a twist thrown in just because…
Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we. 101 words allowed only. I know I said I was done with them. I lie.
Slowly Damien sneaked downstairs, not daring to breathe. He’d heard something, and he was convinced it was him! Christmas lights twinkled as he entered the room, his heart pounding, and there he saw a bearded, round bellied man silhouetted against the moonlight.
He had him!
“Sant…” he began to shout when suddenly he noticed two bodies lying unmoving on the floor. He knew from the matching reindeer slippers it was mum and dad.
The man stepped grinning from the darkness carrying a large sack and raised a gun with his free hand and pushed it into Damien’s chest.
“Merry Christmas kid…”
Photo courtesy of pixabay
Christmas job satisfaction ain’t what it used to be…
It’s beginning to feel a lot like go screw yourself!
A fat bellied fellow who is often quite mellow
‘till it comes to the end of the year
Hits December quite stressed and things all seem a mess
And he’d kill for a steak and a beer
But alas he must graft and the toys he must craft
As the list don’t diminish in size
Thick and fast they demand on his doorstep they land
Letters bulging with needs long and wide
And he says to his wife “Baby this ain’t no life”
“Lets just quit and go live somewhere warm”
She replies “Oh my dear, we are bound up I fear
With the contact to which you are sworn”
He protests and he pouts and he stomps and he shouts
Insists “Amazon can do it just fine,
Or the Chinese perhaps, theyre industrious chaps
And their margins are better than mine”
“Oh dear Nick you sweet man you just do what you can
More than that you can surely not do”
And she gives him a hug and she makes him a mug
Of hot chocolate and a biscuit or two
Then he stomps back to work mumbling “god what a jerk”
As a letter he reads, just received
Me me me it insists as he reads through the list
Its so long its quite hard to believe
“No no no” Nick protests “I think it would be best
To go see this young chap straight away”
But his wife calms him down , “Babe just put on your gown
Head up stairs I’ll be there straight away”
As they climb into bed she caresses his head
Says “Now Nick you just need to remember
They’re just children with needs, ok some with pure greed
But you know what it’s like each December
It’ll be over soon and fore long will be June
And well take a few weeks, go away
Maybe go see some sights and we’ll spend a few nights
Somewhere nice you can pick where we stay”
And he grumbles and sighs and then smiles and his eyes
have that twinkle she knows what comes next
“You’re a star, and you’re right” then he turns out the light
Cos its time for some hot Christmas sex
Sorry about the ending, I’m tired and need to get to sleep 😊
Just a quickie
Zoom zoom zoom
I don’t really have time to write this weekend as I am coordinating a rugby festival for 800 children but a few limericks occurred to me today so Ill just get these out of my head as I need to make some room for other things.
There once was a Farmer of note
had a thing, quite obscene, with a goat
Neighbours frowned, disapproved
as they did acts quite lewd
“We’re quite happy” he said, quote, unquote
Wrong I know but stuff happens. I lived on a farm and there was this cow with no ears and one day one of the lads who milked them was found…Actually no I’ll stop there.
A chap I know finds Santa scary
with his beard so big white and hairy
and his bulging great sack
and his lock picking knack
Christmas eve, keeps the lights on quite wary
anyway moving along swiftly. Let’s end with a Donald one. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know how much I like to write about him.
There’s this POTUS who loves groping mums
wives and sisters and aunties and nuns
You’ll be next, not discreet
he will send off a tweet
share his conquest of you with his chums
Goodnight 🙂
Edgar – A FFfAW word challenge
Courtesy of Free-Napster@pixabay
Screw you, one and all.
Its probably wholly inappropriate and in rather poor taste. I’d not read it really.
To Everybody
I write this letter with some regret, though not much if I am to be honest.
I, Kris Kringle, hereby tender my resignation and would notify all concerned that I will be ceasing all and any Christmas related activities henceforth and with immediate effect.
Though there are many reasons for this decision, and it is not one that I take lightly, I have for the most part simply had enough and fancy a bit of a change.
The magic of Christmas seems now lost on so many and I no longer feel the support of the people I have for so long served, and I believe they would be best served by Amazon or Ebay or maybe just sending a really nice card or a letter saying something nice you don’t really mean.
The main reason though is the recent controversy my actions have attracted. As I have repeated publicly on a number of occasions, and I would again insist right now, Elves are not children – despite their stature. The incident of March the 3rd this year so widely reported in the media was consensual and under the supervision of Mrs Kringle herself who is rather fond of that sort of thing.
I still contend strongly that there should be no bias against human elf relations. I do not recall such an outcry when Aragorn and Arwen declared their love for one another, and they most certainly did not have to contend with people prying into their homes with long range telescopic lenses. With hindsight perhaps we should have closed the curtains, but I am old fashioned and still believe in respecting the privacy of others – despite my day job.
Due to this hypocrisy, I must now work under the scrutiny of child services until they are satisfied that the welfare of my elves is no longer a matter for concern, and this is not a something that I am willing to tolerate for one day longer.
Whilst I accept that I am a public figure, what happens between consenting men and elves should be their business alone. Despite the disapproval of so many sections of society it comforts me that I have found acceptance in some of the more niche communities on the dark web and my wife and I are proud of the fact that we are now widely attributed with being the creators of the “Upside Down Elvish Spit Roast” and the “Pixie Pile Driver”.
I know the children will be disappointed, but their demands have become most unreasonable in recent years and where once there was joy in building toys for them and seeing their little faces light up on Christmas morning these days we are mostly subcontracting to shoddy far east electrical suppliers who use child labour. Whilst it is true that small hands make light work, on balance I am probably doing children a favour.
I hope that you are able to secure a replacement for my position, perhaps the Chines might fancy it – they have the manpower and distribution channels I am sure. For me, I am going to take a few weeks off and catch up on Game of Thrones and then my intention is to open a vape shop in California. If you ever fancy a new bong or an electric cigarette pop by, I’ll do you a great deal.
Best Regards
KK
Photo courtesy of free-photos @ pixabay
