Diet o’clock…snack 15/3/2019

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Diet O’Clock – 15th of March. One good week perhaps.

It’s so not ‘fine’.

I’m not going to write a lot.  Just a little.  Just a morsel.

I fear that if I don’t turn things around this week and get some sort of contol of my eating habits then I could undo all the good I have done in the last 8 months.  10 days from now I am going to take to the scales and am determined that there will be an improvement.

I’ve realised just what a difference being busy at work is making and the impact it is having on me and my discipline and it can’t go on.

See you a week on Sunday.


Did I sound really determined there?  Serious?

I am.  Okay so I fear going downstairs right now as there is some quite lovely leftover pie in the fridge which will surely turn sour if I don’t have it for breakfast and that will be a damning indictment of this wasteful capitalist society and I don’t want to feel like I am mocking the starving people across the planet by throwing it away.

I may be fat but I’m not a fucking monster …

 

Diet O’Clock – 5th of March. Weighing scales face off.

It’s so not ‘fine’.

Ever have one of thise fights where it starts off as nothing but you fail to resolve the matter and before you know it you ain’t getting laid (even though everything is apparently fine) but in actual fact you’re insensitive and thoughtless but you just don’t know it becaue you’re selfish too and apparently her mother was right about you after all.

Well I’ve been having one of those tiffs with my scales.

So at some point I neglected to get on them and things were okay I guess.  I mean I know I was probably hiding from them and that was wrong of me.  You know how judgemental scales can be and if I am to be honest I just thought they were over reacting.  Things were fine.  Right?

Before I knew it though days turned to a week and I knew that I should make more of an effort but there was this thing after work and I ended up getting home late so slept on the couch so as to not disturb it and the next morning I just felt really bad because I know it wanted to see me but you know how it is when you’re out with the lads.

Anyway, a particularly frosty period ensued and I did want to spend time with them but life happens you know.  When I look back I think I made them jealous and if I am to be truthful then yes, I was allowing myself to be distracted and having my head turned.  I just wanted to feel good about myself for once instead of always being judged.  There I said it.

Does that really make me a monster?

Today though I knew I had to put it right.  I couldn’t live like this anymore, not in my own house.  Every time I went into the bathroom they would stare at me, arms crossed.  I tried to say something it just came out wrong and the next thing I was defending myself by insisting that Ice cream just made me feel good, and I didnt mean to eat it downstairs at midnight in my underpants but it just happened and I really was so sorry.

And you know what, we fixed things.  We had to.  Yes there were tears, and some harsh truths were spoken.  I think maybe I even learned somethign about myself and life can sometimes teach is such valuable lessons about forgiveness.

And you know, things weren’t anywhere near as bad as I had feared and perhaps actually yes that T-Shirt had actually shrunk in the wash after all.

 

 

 

 

 

Diet O’Clock – 27th of February. Dominos, you hurt me and I hate you.

Give me my inches!

About 18 months ago I ate a lot of Dominos pizza. Probably twice a week at least for maybe a month. it was not good for my weight I tell you.

Now before you judge me too harshly I should explain that we were renovating the house and the scheduling all went to pot and the four of us ended up living in the living room for an extended spell with absolutely no cooking facilities whatsoever.

We had already spent weeks in a hotel and it was costing an arm a leg so we figured sod it, how bad can it be. Billions of people on the planet live this way.

Well as noble as that might seem (and to be fair we did have a working bathroom even if the house was still missing most of the roof) it was not the indoor camping trip that I explained to my wife and kids it would be.

Most of the time we survived on Tesco meal deals (A sandwich, packet of crisps, a drink and a snack of some sort) and bags of fruit in an attempt to ward off scurvy but there are only so many tuna sandwiches you can eat before you crave something more substantial. And that is where dominoes came in.

Two large pizzas, some wedges, a bottle of pepsi (diet of course ;)) and we were like pigs in shit. Full bellies we would drift off for a good nights sleep as the brick dust settled onto our lungs. By the time the builders moved out and normality was restored I was probably 15kg heavier than when the build started. Thats about 30lbs or more in about 10 months.

Anyway, to get to my point…

Sunday night the family were in full on rebellion as I explained that I had neglected to go shopping and it was soup and a sandwich for dinner. (I like to do the grocery shop – it keeps them from buying frivolous things like expensive loo roll and the good ham that isn’t actually full of water). They insisted that Dominos was in order and no way would they eat my soup.

Three pairs of Pouty lips and folded arms later I had ordered a large margherita, a large meaty thingymajig of some sort and some wedges. Now at £24.99 I thought it was steep but it was for two large pizzas and I figured it would last two meals and they could hae it the next night as leftovers too with baked beans and chips. (Fries for you americans not chips (crisps)).

I was upstairs when it arrived and by the time I went downstairs they were tucking in. I had already feasted on salsa and guac so was tryign mostly to just stay away from it because I have the will power of a priest surrounded by a chorus of pretty mouthed choir boys.

They informed me that they had left half for the next night which I was most impressed with and I went through to the kitchen to maybe just look at it for a while and then put the leftovers in the fridge.

And that is when things happened.

These were no large pizzas. These were medium at best. I checked the boxes and they noted that the pizzas were 13.5 inches. That is no large, my god I can eat two of thise and still have time for a sneaky Nando’s. I was outraged.

I quickly checked my order ready to make a jolly stern complaint about their mistake. I checked that I had ordered latge, which I had, so feelign smug there. they were going to get it.

And then for some reason I double checked what large was. 13.5 inches.

Now unless were talking porn, and even then it may be a stretch (no pun intended), 13.5 inches is in no way large. I checked the pizza place at the top of the hill and their large is an eye watering and anus splintering 16 inches. 13.5 is barely going to touch the bloody sides.

Surely the internet would know what the devil was going on and a quick google later I was to learn that I was not alone in my disappointment. Turns out those deceitful bastards recently reduced their ‘large’ pizza from 16 to 13.5 inches, and at the same time they upped the price.

Surely Pizza hut haven’t done this I thought to myself. Alas upon checking their idea of large is a meagre 14inches. 14! It’s the extra two that make it so bloody satisfying. How can I be sated with a meagre 14 frigging inches.

I have vowed never again to eat a dominos and was hopign the family would get on board with my protest and in future use the place at the top of the hill who guarantee satisfaction but instead they informed me that if I wasn’t eating it then actually two 13.5 inch pizzas was actually enough.

Bastards the lot of them!

P.s

I forgot to mention that I actually got a tape measure out and measured one of the pizzas and you know what it was about 12 in. 12 in. I reckon the 13 and a half in is before it gets cooked so the cooking process then steals another intern half and trust me we all know how important that extra inch and a half is. Anyway so at this point I’m actually missing an entire 4 inches .

Never Again dominoes, never again, you’ve hurt me and I won’t get over this. I can’t get over this.

Diet O’Clock – 26th of February. Not thinking does me a power of good.

Red and greeen, baby!

You know, I do so much better when I don’t have to think too hard about what I want to eat.  In fact, if I can not think about food at all I seem to get on a roll and it ceases to matter more and more.

To be clear, I love eating.  I love the way it feels in my mouth, the way it smells, I love cooking and baking and I love feeding other people.   Food is great and a wonderful way to share and experience people.   Socially that is, not because I want to eat them.  That said I do know a couple of fine folk who would look just dandy with an apple in their mouth.  Or is that a gag ball?  No .  Definitely an apple.

Anyway I digress.

So far the last few days have gone pretty well and you know why?  No?  Well I shall tell you.  It is because I have mostly eaten the same thing for days.  If you have read me before you may know that I discovered the joy of guacamole and salsa late in life.  As in the last year or so.  I have taken to it so much that I am quite happy to have it all of the time and often whip up a huge monster bowl of the stuff.

So since Saturday I have been filling my face with guacamole, salsa and any sort o fish.  Preferably mackeral.

The whole process just seems easy and I am not comtemplating my next meal or thinking about what I might like tomorrow.  Guac and salsa.  That is it.

There is probably a whole thing to be discussed around mindset and how one regards food and just breakling some of those ties to it.

Who knows.  I just know I love me a big bowl of red and green that I can eat with a spoon.

 

 

 

 

Diet O’Clock – 24th of February. Poor delicious horse.

Mmmm tasty.

Okay so last time I wrote I professed to be back on the horse.  remember that?

Turns out I actually got off it, shot it and proceeded to eat it.  Not just the tasty meaty bits either.   I ate the lot.  I even devoured all the nasty testicles and hooves that they put into hot dog sausages and sausage rolls.

it’s a funny old thing trying to get back into the swing of things.  I do it often and sometimes I do great and others quite terribly and it is often the simplest of things that trip me up.

Routine really works for me and once I am up and running I do really well but heavens forbid that routine gets disrupted and I behave like a bear who is intent on fattening up because he heard from a mate that it is going to be a particularly long winter and only dominos pizza and packets of pom bears will provide the calorific content required to stop him shuffling off this mortal coil sometime early February.

Now as much as I might pretend I am not really a fool and I know the signs and I realise what is going on but bloody hell I do so find it hard to turn things around sometimes.  Oh and god forbid I shold try and turn it around on a week day.  More chance of getting hit up the arse by a rainbow.

Apparently the cake lover in me is convinced that things can only be turned around on a Monday following a Sunday of pavlova and black forest gateau.  God he is a greedy bastard.

Anyway, this week I have done my damnedest to defy that black forest scoffing porker and I have attempted to turn things around on a Saturday.  Of all days!

I’ll let you know how I get on but right now I am off to get an apple as I am rather peckish and a horse cock kebab is sounding pretty good right now.

 

 

Diet O’Clock – 20th of January – Back on the horse

And a pear martini in a pear tree…

Actually, looking at how I ballooned over xmas you’d have thought I’d eaten the horse. Mmm…Large sizzling horse steaks with a braised rib and a side of cheek.  Sorry, you know I wouldn’t eat a horse it’s not like Im Kazhak.  Or, god forbid, French.

I am sure other nations enjoy a little equine entree but I’m happy with my ignorant stereotypes.

Anyway, it turns out that over the month of December, as I flitted from one cocktail to the next like an inebriated humming bird I managed to put on around 6 and a half kilograms.  I think thats about 15 pounds n american money.  In a month.

Okay so there really were rather a lot of cocktails.  And puddings.  And meat and treats and little pigs feets and sweetest of sweets and …well there was just a lot of everything.  I watched the scales creep ever upwards until I had undone aout a third of what I had achieved in the previous six months forever telling myself that next week I would get back to it.

Next week drifted into the week after and then the week after that and I suddenly found myself feeling rather sluggish and weary and feeling little of the benefits that the weight loss and lifestyle changes had brought.  Clothes felt a little tighter, sleep wasnt as good and I was forever telling myself that tomorrow would be better.

But to cut a long story short it was back to the shops with a renewed focus and I stocked up and set about the task of trying to right things again.  Two weeks later I have shifted two thirds of what I put on and am feeling wholly better for it and ready to keep going.

Annoying though isnt it how easy it is to put on and how hard to get off.

Fatties in Space – Part 5

I missed them so they’re back for another brief outing. as a prelude to something else.

Part 1 is here, Part 2 can be found here and part 3 is right here. Oh and here is part 4…

It’s best to read those first if you like poems and such about fat people shagging in space. Yes I know that’s not a real thing but its just a bit of fun. Use your imagination. 🙂


Time advances, desire, smoulders where once was fire

and our couple are settled, content

And theyre into a groove, life, careers on the move

at they end of their day both feel spent

And they slip into bed, where once passions burned red

a nice book, cup of tea, striped pj’s

And he turns, to suggest, and caresses her breast

but alas now asleep, snores away

And he gives her a nudge says “I ain’t packed your fudge,

sixty nined or devoured you for weeks.

Ive not sampled your breasts dumped my load on your chest

left hand marks on your plump bottom cheeks”

She insists thats it’s fine, they’ve just not had the time

but tomorrow for sure, it’s a date

so he lies in the dark seems they’ve just lost their spark

rubs one out as he just cannot wait

Then he ponders their lot, wonders how they’ve forgot

the wild nights here on earth and in space

and he vows to do better, make his heart’s true love wetter

falls asleep as he caresses her face

Diet o’clock 26th of November

What a perfectly normal post. feels odd really. Even a little dirty, like I’m role playing being an adult…

Right so there’s just about time to do another month of whole30 before Christmas give or take a day.  The last few months have been a bit on off for all manner of reasons but I am feeling motivated to have another round and get things back on track.

Looking back I feel so much better that I did when I started in July with my energy noticeably improved, I am sleeping better and obviously weight wise it has been a winner too.  I have discovered all sorts of things I enjoy to eat (I’m looking at you here guacamole) and my family are enjoying some of the benefits too but I do think I could have done better.

So for the next 30 days I am going to do my damnedest to give it one big push and I shall share the experience more often that just weekly…Might be tricky in the run up to Christmas but if I can do it until the 24th then I know I can do it any time.

So how has today gone?  Well I missed breakfast as was on the school run and straight after I popped to do some grocery shopping.  I decided to stay away from red meat but did stock up on fish and a little chicken too.  I bought a ton of vegetables and already had lots of fruit in too.

For lunch I made a salad with mackerel, tomoatoes, onion, salt and pepper and a squeeze of fresh lemon juice and you know what, it was bloody gorgeous.  For those that like to count calories the fish was about 330 and the other bits take it to maybe 500 in total.  I also had an apple, a pink lady, which is my favourite.  The mackerel is just the sort that is vacuum packed so probably not perfectly whole30 but meh, I was shopping at LIDL it’s hardly the easiest place to shop…

Anyway, taste wise it was fabulous and as I have half a pack of the fish left I am going to have it for my tea tonight too.

The biggest challenge today has been resisting the rice pudding sat in the fridge that I made yesterday.  I did it with paella rice and oh god it is so delivious, especially this time of year when its so chilly out, but resist I did 🙂

 

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Michael

 

 

 

Ruby Red – March Prompts 20/31

Oh how very horrid.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


Ruby red she swirls and spins

And craves a life he cannot give

And laughter peaks and frantic dips

Entranced by eyes and heart and hips

 

Each day and night he toils and strains

To please her hunger as it grows

Voraciaous she devours it all

And never sated death does call

 

Worth more in the ground than with beating heart

with greed consumed she seeks to feast

And so she schemes and plots and plans

His life to take with blood soiled hands

 

And with widows sorrow she does weep

as slowly lowered into the ground

and ruby red heart swirls and leaps

all that was his now hers to keep

Antsy Pantsy – March Prompts 19/31

Oh how very horrid.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what whimsical nonsense I can whip up in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


They crawled up his leg and then into his bottom

And there they did live in his innards quite rotten

For long was he dead in a battle forgotten

And now he’d returned for revenge

 

With such ants in his pants and a six rats in his bowels

He would walk through the night and quite hungry he howls

And a brain full of worms in control of his vowels

He would mumble for b-b–b-brains

 

He would seek little kids quite delicious and plump

With an eye full of spiders and a rather bug lump

On his face from the wasps than would sure make you jump

When they flew from his mouth like a storm

 

And his fingers quite rotten and tongue chewed away

Beetles covered his flesh and he strode night and day

To find children to eat who’d  perhaps lost their way

and to hell drag their sweet little souls

Pink Poodles – March Prompts 18/31

Oh surely not…

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


Old Artemis Bilge fine purveyor of poodles

Loved them so much that he ate them with noodles

With fresh veg and soy sauce he scoffed oodles and oodles

and for pudding fresh strawberries and cream

He would slow roast a leg and eat it as a starter

With pickles and fennel and mustard or tartar

And sometimes on a sandwich with cheese and tomato

Licked his fingers, such tastes quite supreme

Late at night to his fridge he would head tummy rumbling

And with platters of neck, thigh and flank he’d head stumbling

Back to bed where he’d gorge ‘till his tummy stopped grumbling

Then to sleep and of poodles to dream

Mounds of Mush – March Prompts 17/31

Hopefully just 4 rather gross lines…

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


Seething writhing piles of rancid filth

Maggots thrash hungrily and gorge on rotting flesh

Where once there was life now putrification reigns

And death’s foul breath belches and cackles

Guzzling Gary – March Prompts 16/31

My what a big appetite you have.

M’s writing prompts for March came with the following instructions:

“…set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!”

Let us see what I can do in ten minutes…

You can see the prompts here.


Guzzling Gary likes pies

And hes rather fond of meat

Oh he really loves chips

And thinks snake meat quite a treat

He will eat a bag of raddish

And he’ll quaff a pint of soup

See him down a foot of sausage

Eat spaghetti, straight or loop

He will neck a quart of ice cream

Followed by a glass of sherry

And eat burgers by the fistful

Followed by a pound of cherry

Then it’s onto quail and liver

Lightly braised and served with veg

And some monkey and a lizard

And a squirrel from a hedge

Then perhaps a baby llama

And a bisque made from some cats

And a stew made from some puppies

Or some dumplings stuffed with bats

Oh and see him eat a whale steak

And a platypus on rye

Lick the juices from a goldfish

And bake hamsters in a pie

And then turtle stuffed with budgies

then some parrots braised with figs

but for daft religious reason

theres no bacon, its from pigs

Fatties in Space – Part 4

Okay so I know I said they were done but I miss them terribly so thought I would give it another go.

Part 1 is here, Part 2 can be found here and part 3 is right here.  It’s best to read those first if you like poems and such about fat people shagging in space.  Yes I know that’s not a real thing but its just a bit of fun.  Use your imagination. 🙂

 

Now they’re back down on earth and they ask “was it worth

all our savings are gone nothing’s left”

they then think of the lust and the force of the thrust

unencumbered by both of their heft

 

And they smile and decide with a grin rather wide

that they know then what needs to transpire

their large bulk to reduce, live on veges and juice

for their loins are still moist and on fire

 

So Pilates and gym in a quest to get thin

bums and tums every day before dawn

and he works on each ab somewhere beneath the flab

protein shakes he wolfs down with each yawn

 

And at night they pursue new positions or two

just to test what they might just achieve

head down butt in the air he grabs hold of her hair

a bit easier his weight he does heave

 

“Oh delight” he exclaims and the weight loss he blames

for the pounding he brings as she squeals

and her bottom he slaps and they take far more naps

cos they’re at it like bunnies twixt meals

 

So each morning she runs as he works on his guns

as she sweats bosoms bounce up and down

whilst her nipples are tender shes a wee bit more slender

but its worth it the way he goes down

 

Like hes eating a cake or delish philly steak

cos shes somewhat more flexi these days

and instead of meat pies he’s devouring her thighs

sometimes 2, 3 or 4 different ways

 

and shes quicker to squeeze into camel toe jeans

and there’s far less a chance of them splitting

he can see past his gut as she role plays a slut

and he watches her licking and spitting

 

then a salad for dinner and he says “you look thinner”

she replies “your man boobs look so small”

and he touches her hand says “I’m so glad I’m your man”

she smiles “I think we have it all”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I seem to be on a diet

I was tempted to toss the strawberries and a couple of meringues directly into my mouth and top it up with the can of squirty cream that’s in the fridge…

I wrote previously about being fat,  and since that post – despite great consideration – did precisely nothing about it.  Unless of course you were to count the two meals below, which I think may actually have had exactly the opposite effect of a nice salad and a walk in the park.  I am no nutritionist though, so cannot be absolutely certain on that point.

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The feast above was enjoyed (and shared) at Miller and Carter in Huddersfield, and whilst there is an abundance of Salad I imagine the benefits were likely undone by the lashings of dressing and the presence of an entire deep fried crab.  Again, I would welcome a steer on that point from someone in the know.

Now the next meal I enjoyed at the Bottomley Arms in Halifax, and the ultimate burger seems something they are rather proud of.

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After eating as much of it as I could, washed down with a cheeky gin and tonic or two, I realised that perhaps any item of food that has the word ‘Ultimate’ in the description is unlikely to prepare one for a lengthy session in the gym.

Equally, another indication as to its inappropriateness for exertion of any type other than the loosening of one’s belt and sweating on the way back to the car may have been the use of the phrase ‘…and even more onion rings and cheese…”

I’m pretty sure it had pulled pork on it.  I vaguely recall the use of the words ‘succulent’,  ‘juicy’ and ‘hand pulled’ at some point in the evening.

Anyway, I checked both Slimming World and Weight Watchers websites in the hope that perhaps I could pass them off under a few ‘healthy B’s’ or maybe they might come in under a daily ‘points total’ but alas not.  Both sites simply confirmed that not only am I big boned with a healthy appetite but I am also somewhat delusional.

So, that being said I awoke this morning and for some reason thought, “why don’t you get on the scale.”  You want to know the number don’t you.  Yeah well I think perhaps I’ll keep that for another day but what I will say is that I decided that I would have a go at not having bacon for breakfast and take it from there.  What I did have was this:

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It was ok I guess, for a breakfast that was not pork based.  What I will say is that I didn’t need a lie down after it so that’s something right?

Admittedly, I was tempted to toss the strawberries and a couple of meringues directly into my mouth and top it up with the can of squirty cream that’s in the fridge.  I was worried though that should I have a stroke and fall down dead at that very moment it would scar the kids for life when they found me lying there, clad only in my underpants,  Eton mess spilling from my mouth and looking like I’d succumbed to rabies.

So we shall see how it goes, and I will continue to share.  I may well have to change the featured image in this photo if I get a chance later because I feel like that woman with the fruit is just mocking me.

On being really fat

They say one should write about what one knows, so I I think I shall perhaps write about being fat.

They say one should write about what one knows, so I I think I shall perhaps write about being fat.

Now, I don’t yet know if it will be a cake and pork fuelled celebration of my wobbly belly and chafing thighs or whether I shall use this as a shameful catalyst to stir me in my eternal attempt to lose weight.  I haven’t quite worked myself up to a commitment one way or another yet having only just penned the thought, plus I have a rather nice hot beef and mustard sandwich that needs to be eaten before I do any sort of serious decision making.

Now if I was to attempt to lose weight, which I indeed might but let’s not be too hasty as we are still working through the premise for this piece, then It obviously goes without saying that typing will not help me shed a single chin.  I am also pretty sure that a few of the particularly energetic amongst you may well be thinking that I should simply stop typing right now, wipe the quite delicious beef juice from my chubby little fingers and get myself on a treadmill or go for a nice walk.  I won’t argue against that point, and the matter of the treadmill is one I will address another time most likely, but for now I think I shall  either, but I shall persist with writing something first at that was my aim when I sat down.  That and to eat my rather delicious sandwich which I have done whilst typing this.

So where to next I ask myself.  I am not certain yet but how about I float a couple of ideas to see whether any of them stir me as to my preferred course of action:

·       When bending over to pick things up became an embarrassment to my children.

·       Why my jeans need pulling up whenever I stand.

·       Failing at not being fat.

·       Stamina, what stamina.

·       I woke up with a lollipop stuck to my jumper

·       What do you mean I have piles!

·       Late night eating by refrigerator light.

·       Please put a shirt on the neighbours might see you.

As much as that feels like Weird Al album track listing,  I think I might have enough ideas to take this somewhere you know. 

Perhaps I will see you next time when I tackle the difficult subject of ‘Why my bathroom scale hates me and lies just to make me feel bad about myself’.

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/Lollipop/