Just haiku…

An attempt at a proper haiku

This week I am having a crack at not being weird and odd when it comes to my itsy bitsy japanese poems.

Wind through the tree tops

Gate ajar banging all night

land swept clean at dawn


Did yo know there are more rules than just the 5/7/5? Oh yeah there are tons of the chuffing things like:

  • a focus on some aspect of nature or the seasons
  • division into two asymmetrical sections, usually with a cut at the end of the first or second section, creating a juxtaposition of two subjects (e.g. something large and something small, something natural and something human-made, two unexpectedly similar things, etc.)
  • a contemplative or wistful tone and an impressionistic brevity
  • imagery predominates over ideas and statements, so that meaning is typically suggestive, requiring reader participation
  • avoidance of metaphor and similes
  • non-rhyming lines



Screw you haiku

All things do not happen for a reason. They just happen.

Aah, those chipper people who always find something positive to say no matter what.  You know them right, the “everything happens for a reason” crowd.  Mostly I find that they say this because a world where terrible things happen just cannot surely reconcile with what they believe.  Not sure that catching aids from a blood transfusion happens for a reason myself,  and no there is surely no good reason that a kid gets molested or a suicide bomber blows up a bus.

All things don’t happen for a reason, that’s a load of bollocks.  Terrible things happen, that’s just part of life.  It isn’t part of some big plan so stop telling me it is because your belief system cannot explain how such terrible things can happen otherwise.




Screw you haiku

what a mess!

haiku9118Whilst I don’t dress up I do love me a great Con, and there is a quite wonderful feeling when you’re surrounded by people just like you.  There are round bellied bearded men as far as the eye can see and you cannot swing a Schrodinger’s cat without clobbering a bespectacled comic-based t-shirt wearing geek.

If you’ve never been to one you should go, because they really do embody the very best in people.  There is a distinct lack of wankers, twats, dicks, racist, -phobes or utter prats.



Late Night Limerick – Get well soon and hope the Gonorrhoea clears up

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Oh poor lamb heard you’ve got gonorrhoea

And the symptoms they seem quite severe

Now it burns when you piss

You’d not bargained on this

When you paid for that hooker, oh dear


photo courtesy of pixabay

Screw you haiku

Just a little something to lighten the mood…

The serious art of the haiku defiled with everyday shenanigans.  Or is it senryu?  Meh…


Brown boats in the sun

Slowly I watch them pass by

Sewer overflow


Gold summer showers

Trickling down orange skin



Still drunk eyes open

the stranger in the bed wears

the face of regret


Eighties Hub insists

Got aids from a toilet seat

A likely story


Screw you haiku

So when is a haiku about a disease you picked up overseas not actually a haiku?

When I started this writing lark I was rather conscious of befouling the wonderful art of the haiku.  Mine are rather non traditional and as far as haiku go really only conform to the syllable construct.  Thanks to Colleen I have since discovered the senryu which is probably more akin to what I’ve been writing,

Senryu (also called human haiku) is an unrhymed Japanese verse consisting of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables (5, 7, 5) or 17 syllables in all. Senryu is usually written in the present tense and only references to some aspect of human nature or emotions.

So without further ado a few senryu.  Given I’m enjoying some time in Portugal I thought I would write about diseases picked up whilst abroad.


Oh throbbing red lump

Wriggling underneath the skin

Bursts spewing spiders


Delights of Delhi

Arse on toilet head in sink

Don’t drink the water


Ladyboy surprise

Guess I;ll try anything once

Sphincter quite destroyed


Amsterdam delights

Toasted,  red lit buxom wench

Need penicillin


The great plan of the gods

Apparently, all terrible things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago my family and I were invited to dinner at a rather fabulous Indian Restaurant in Leeds by one of the chaps who works for me to say thanks for the support I gave him whilst he was fighting thyroid cancer.

During the course of the meal, I think just after the quite delicious lamb main course had arrived,  his friend remarked that Allah most certainly had a plan for him and whilst he had given him the cancer in the first place he had also taken it away.

How very kind I thought, and it struck me that this Allah fellow sounds a whole lot like Jesus’ dad don’t you think.  He’s often attributed with giving children leukaemia and such to prove that all things happen for a reason and then turning up with jazz hands and a big old “Taadaa” when things are all cleared up to take the credit for a job well done and to check in on what lesson you’ve learned whilst watching your child suffer excruciating pain.

“He sounds like a bit of a dick” I said to my wife afterwards.  She suggested I be a little more respectful of other people’s beliefs, and because of how rude I can be she would be taking back the kidney she given me a few years ago to teach me a lesson.

I am happy though to say that my friend is now fit and well, regardless of who fixed him up.  I do hope the doctors send some sort of thank you card to a god of one description or another because it really was quite good of whoever stepped in to take this potentially life ending disease back.

Perhaps though him and the other gods would be so kind as to stop giving people awful diseases, because the doctors would have considerably less to do and they could maybe get a little more golf in.

Oh, and she never gave me a kidney – but you knew that right 😉








Photo courtesy of Geralt at Pixabay.

Get well soon limericks 

Get well soon.

To round off a day of mostly limericks one last post.  Inspired by a comment by a reader at http://www.poetrummager.com who suggested limericks could replace traditional get well soon message. Thank you ! 


An infected promiscuous mate

Got aids from a lass on a date 

He was once much much bigger 

But now has a nice figure 

Since infected he’s lost loads of weight 


I saw your dad this afternoon 

Heard your  stomach looks like a balloon 

And your bottom has leaked 

But your temperature peaked 

So I hope that you’ll feel better soon 


Your mum said you just been for tests 

For a lump that you found in your breast

Lets hope its not bad

Cos that happened to dad 

And just after we laid him to rest 


I saw your dad at the garage 

said your scrotum is swollen quite large 

Since you went to Bangkok 

I bet it was a shock 

When you saw the quite nasty discharge.


Right…that’s a lot of posts for one day, see you tomorrow perhaps.

Photo couryesy of Typographyimages@pixabay