Tag: Religion

Personal Pronoun Sex Limerick time.

Apparently that’s now a thing too…

A promiscuous temptress called Brenda

Not especially choosy on Gender

Whether he, she or Eir

Xemself, Hir, Shim – Don’t care

She’s ain’t fussy-  just wants sensual splendour

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I don’t think I’m ignorant, perhaps a little sheltered and middle aged white man and all that…I just honestly had no idea…read it for yourself…

gender pronouns – Bing images

A wholly inappropriate limerick about oral sex and the Corona Virus. Because it’s Monday. Too soon?

Just because…

Horny fellow who’s wife had Corona

Insisted she feast on his boner

How her cough made him jump

bit his cock off, a stump

is all thats remains of dick former

Okay so tenuous last line there…it si what it is…Perhaps too soon to be joking about such things but if you dont laugh sometimes you’ll end up losing your bloody mind.

Sandpaper and Sinkholes – Room 101

Jay tapped refresh on his screen and waited anxiously for the numbers to appear. 

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.  ‘Pinches of positivity’.

 

Jay tapped refresh on his screen and waited anxiously for the numbers to appear.

“Looking nervous bro” Mo said watching him from across the room, a broad smile on his face and his brown eyes sparkling mischievously.

“Whatever” Jay answered as the numbers flashed on the screen.

“What you got then?” Mo pressed getting out of his chair and walking across to try and take a look at the screen. “How many do you have?”

Jay pulled away and pushed the device inside his robe.  “2.4.  Still plenty more that you” he snapped.

“Ah but it isn’t just about numbers, it’s also about quality Jay.”

Mo reached into a pocket and pulled out his own device and thrust it towards Jay.  Initially reluctant he took it and scanned over the stats blinking across the screen.

“1.6 with pretty high dedication scores I will admit” he said sullenly and handed it back.  “I still beat you on wealth and influence categories too though.”

“For now” Mo said still smiling.  “You’ve seen my predictions for the next 80 years right?  Dad thinks I’ve a real chance of catching you, especially now my mortality rates are dropping and you have your European problem to deal with.”

Jay really did find him so annoying at times.

“I have no idea why you’re grinning so much” Jay replied angrily, “Vish has nearly as many as you do and his dedication scores are nearly as high as yours.  Vish what you got mate?”

Both men turned to where a third man was sitting on a small wicker chair surrounded by piles of books and papers.

“Don’t involve me in this “ he shouted back and pulled on a pair of headphones “I want nothing to do with this I am quite happy with what I have.  I’m sitting this out for now thanks.”

Mo laughed and folded his arms defiantly.  “You know I will get his eventually don’t you, there’s just no way you’ll ever get them.  Say what you want, his dedication scores are on the slide almost as badly as yours.”

Jay balled each of his hands into a fist.  He really wanted more than anything  to punch him in the mouth.  He was so abrasive when in one of these moods.  Always so desperate to get ahead.

“You know what Mo” Jay said walking closer, chest puffed out.  “Maybe it’s time we took this to the next level.  Maybe it’s time I put you in your place.”

“Oh and how are you going to do that then?” he asked pushing back.  “You got some secret weapon?  You played the evangelist card in the eighties, you got nothing left.  They were all discredited.  You’re bluffing.  Best you can do is damage control.”

Jay hesitated for a moment, smiled and then took a step back.  He reached back inside his robe for his device and stabbed at the screen.  He smiled and slowly turned the screen in his hand and held it outwards towards his brother.

Mo looked confused.  “You’re playing a Donald?  What the hell is a Donald?”

G is for god.

I’m not looking for a debate or deep discussion on whether a supernatural power does, or does not exist. 

I’m not looking for a debate or deep discussion on whether a supernatural power does, or does not exist.  You are more than welcome to leave your thoughts on the matter if you wish – but I don’t intend to get into fisticuffs over it.

I just wanted to see for myself whether I would start to write about it and then carry on given that when I sit down to write I do not always know where it will go.  I have something of a history with organised religion and whilst you will probably have noticed a passive aggressiveness in my writing towards it I don’t think it is something I have fully explored my feelings on yet.

Having got even this far I do not feel my thoughts on the matter are fully formed and I need to work on expressing them more clearly.  They’re more emotions than words and they don’t always make a lot of sense.  Actually, I might not quite know what those feelings are yet but when I do I am sure you will be the first to know.

Until then I think I will stick with my light derision and mockery until I am in a more serious mood.

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Bedknobs and Broomsticks – Room 101

Saving the worst for last.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Okay.  This is the last Room 101 and the most stupid and rubbish.  It is an unedited version that I bashed out and when I read it I had not a clue what the hell was going on.  Broomsticks made me think witches, bedknobs made me think bed knobs and that got me to dildo’s and suddenly we have this abomination.  It made me laugh though so stupid is it and I thought I would leave it as it is as a reminder to myself that its okay to have a really crappy first draft and sometimes ideas just don’t work.

The swirling contents of the large Iron pot hissed and fizzed as Hilda tossed in a handful of wolfsbane.  “Agnes, fetch the stranglewort from my bag” She asked leaning over the pot.

“This is brewing up very nicely indeed” she said to herself cackling.

“This?” Agnes said holding up a small silver bottle she’d taken from a large cloth bag.

“No no girl” Hilda snapped.

“How about this?” she said presenting a posy of white flowers.

“No, STRANGLEWORT” Hilda said angrily.”

Agnes rummaged around.

“This?” she said holding up large wooden dildo.

Hilda blushed.

“Let’s just leave it out shall we…”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

The art of boredom – Room 101

Ever feel like this is all just one big joke?

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“Boss, that’s a terrible idea” Caleb said shaking his head.

AJ smiled, his brown eyes twinkling.  “I’m telling you they’re stupid enough to fall for it.”

“You think?”

“Oh absolutely, remember Hitler?.  You underestimate their self-destructive nature.”

“But why?  Seriously?”

AJ huffed.  “I’m bored.  Bored of this planet, bored of these people.  I really do need a new assignment.” He paused, sensing Caleb was almost persuaded.  “Plus it could be hilarious, especially when it comes out what he did to his daughter.”

“Fine” said Caleb resigned.  “But don’t blame me when head office find out.”

AJ grinned.  “Good call, good call”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Orion’s belt – Room 101

Another Room-101 flash fiction piece told in 101 words.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“You smell like strawberries” carl said smiling running his hand through her hair.

Helen’s heart raced being so close to him, lying in the grass, head on his chest.  They’d only been together for a few months but she’d never felt like this before.

He raised a hand and pointed to a cluster of stars.  “See there, straight up from that tree, the three stars in a line? That’s Orion’s Belt.”

“Where did you learn about that?” she asked, sighing.

“My dad used to take us out camping as kids, he loved the stars.” He said wrapping his arms around her.

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I know, no twist or anything macabre or weird or twisted or offensive.  I’m half way through this challenge I think and thought I would make the lack of a twist the twist.  I could have had him be an alien, or murder her or have a satellite fall on them or worse but some days, it’s just nice to be nice 😊

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Killing Curiosity – Room 101

Another Room-101 flash fiction piece told in 101 words.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“Peter, Mate” said Barnabas looking confused “they’re never ever going to believe all of this surely.”

Peter laughed.  “Trust me, they’ll believe anything we tell them.  They fell for that stuff about coming back from the dead didn’t they.”

Barnabas  looked uncomfortable.  “They’re not stupid they’ll find out, then what?”

Paul put down his quill.  “Tell you what we’ll do” he said scratching his chin, “we’ll tell them if they don’t believe it then they’ll …” Peter paused searching for words.

“Suffer for eternal damnation?” offered Barnabas

“Oh that’s good” said Peter making a note on his parchment grinning “that’s real good.”

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

The great plan of the gods

Apparently, all terrible things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago my family and I were invited to dinner at a rather fabulous Indian Restaurant in Leeds by one of the chaps who works for me to say thanks for the support I gave him whilst he was fighting thyroid cancer.

During the course of the meal, I think just after the quite delicious lamb main course had arrived,  his friend remarked that Allah most certainly had a plan for him and whilst he had given him the cancer in the first place he had also taken it away.

How very kind I thought, and it struck me that this Allah fellow sounds a whole lot like Jesus’ dad don’t you think.  He’s often attributed with giving children leukaemia and such to prove that all things happen for a reason and then turning up with jazz hands and a big old “Taadaa” when things are all cleared up to take the credit for a job well done and to check in on what lesson you’ve learned whilst watching your child suffer excruciating pain.

“He sounds like a bit of a dick” I said to my wife afterwards.  She suggested I be a little more respectful of other people’s beliefs, and because of how rude I can be she would be taking back the kidney she given me a few years ago to teach me a lesson.

I am happy though to say that my friend is now fit and well, regardless of who fixed him up.  I do hope the doctors send some sort of thank you card to a god of one description or another because it really was quite good of whoever stepped in to take this potentially life ending disease back.

Perhaps though him and the other gods would be so kind as to stop giving people awful diseases, because the doctors would have considerably less to do and they could maybe get a little more golf in.

Oh, and she never gave me a kidney – but you knew that right 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of Geralt at Pixabay.