limericks – Page 6

A couple of Donald inspired limericks

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …

Trump the crazy on tour out in China

Salivates, like he would at a diner

Watch out for him trust me,

He will grab yours you’ll see

then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!

A loony chap, Donald the POTUS

Went to Asia, the land of the lotus

Picked a fight with young Kim

With maniacal grin

Big appeal to the racist white voters

Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need

Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?

Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers

All he offers. Who cares?

Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!

A few limericks of little note

There is one about a panda which could have been special but mostly it is just a bit dirty. The rest are just crass.

There once was a chap from Milan

Had a thing for his best mate Paul’s gran

Craved her wrinkly bits

And her pendulous tits

of her saggy old thighs, a big fan

An irregular builder from Goole

Bought a potion to soften his stool

He strained with a large load

And his bowels did explode

Don’t gamble with farts, that’s the rule

A woman from Selby quite cute

Survived mostly on vege’s and fruit

But most every fart

Would result in a shart

Just imagine the stress of each toot

A lonely young chap from Uganda

At the zoo fell in love with a panda

Craved its fluffy white thighs

And it’s come to be eyes

Got him rather aroused, double hander!

R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure. I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them. So for the first time I’ll publish a few.

There lived a young chap in Caracas

Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers

thought he’d best see the doc

who grabbed hold of his cock

and gave them a shake like maracas

A saucy fun temptress from China

spent her cash on a custom vagina

was so very good looking

but just no use for fucking

though she might just let you 69 her

A mechanic from North Carolina

had the hots for a big burly miner

left his family in shock

when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock

I just like it way more than vagina”

A vicar quite down on his luck

found a great way to make a quick buck

to the members he went

said “I need to pay rent,

for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”

A builder from Cork name of Shamus

had a monstrous and cavernous anus

in his bottom he placed

knives, forks, bowls cups and plates

now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous

Sorry. Kinda.

The limericks I don’t usually publish

Move along, nothing to see and certainly not for kids.

For every limerick I write there is usually another I discard because it is inappropriate, childish, vulgar, twisted or just not the sort of things I would want my kids to stumble upon.

Today I will publish a few because I am in the sort of mood, and it’s the weekend and what are weekends for if not inappropriate limericks. I had something of a request for more erotic asphyxiation stuff earlier this week. I know I know, but there’s no accounting for the tastes of people.

A conservative preacher, John Stead

Man of god but quite kinky in bed

by the cleaner discovered

bound, naked and buggered

Purple faced, plastic bag on his head

A plumber from Goole well endowed

love to take off his clothes in a crowd

and the ladies he’d please

as it hung to his knees

hand on hips, legs akimbo, so proud

A vicar from Grimsby most hated

spent a celibate life most frustrated

unless you count the young boys

who he used as his toys

’till they caught him and now hes castrated

Something more pleasant?

Ooh look at me being all topical!

Faeries: The long winter

Fences – FFfAW Challenge – 11th of July

photo courtesy of hypnoart at pixabay

More and more limericks

I am going to have to admit that I love writing these. Today I think I shall write about terrible things that happen to good people.

A woman that I work with a Saint

broke her spine when she slipped on some paint

She’s bed ridden and blue

Her hub said he’d be true

now he’s doing her mum, so he aint.

My friend had a wife quite divine

got addicted to cake, crack and wine

really let herself go

and her bottom did grow

only 30 but looks fifty nine

An arab chap born in Kuwait

stole the hub of a really good mate

it was all quite a mess

he looked good in a dress

now they’re married, he calls himself Kate

My sister got hammered one night

with her boyfriend got into a fight

so she stayed out real late

and then slept with his mate

now she’s single again, such delight

4. I like doing 4.

Want something different?

Playground – Daily prompt

We unlikely few – An Armitage tangent

Probing – a cautionary tale – Daily prompt

Late night limericks

A quick dose of inappropriateness

I am away for a few days and the hotel is next to a rather rowdy beer garden whos patrons seem to be having a quite wonderful time. So in lieu of sleep I will see whether I can manage a few limericks on my phone.

A baker I know quite sublime

Made cakes pies and puddings most fine

Met a lass who he woo’d

with his sensual food

Said she “Your spotted dick is divine!”

A fellow with wife rather bland

For insurance he schemed and he planned

But his plot came to nought

By the cops he was cought

Now in prison he gets nightly manned

Amsterdam…drugs whores and beer

What a weekend he had but i fear

That his wife will discover

His large breasted lover

When the tests come back with gonorrhoea

A hubby his wife sadly binned

But not ‘cos she cheated or sinned

Such a flatulent hag

She’d eat chilli, he’d gag

As it gave her quite horrible wind

They seem a little quieter…perhaps they’ve gone for a kebab…
Sleep well!

Sombre limericks 6

These seem to be, quite accidentally, on the matter of the oddities of marriage and such…

I know I know, they’re inappropriate and I probably do too many but theres a lot going on in the world so it gives me food for thought.

A lonely chap I know named Dom

bought an internet bride, it went wrong

because when she appeared

big hands, penis and beard

he’d clicked ladyboybrides.com

Not that I’m judging you know, I went to Bangkok many years ago and had a fabulous time and honestly, how was Dom to know.

A woman’s rich husband was boring

Old, obese, dull with bad snoring

said “just do what you will

and Ill pick up the bill”

so she shopped drank and spent her days whoring.

I must have read something on arranged marriages because there’s a theme developing here. I did go for dinner the other night with a chap who’s family arranged a bride for him. Maybe it was that. It dd not last if you’re wondering.

Carl does not like condoms he says

and convinces the ladies he sways

“Im catholic you see

withdrawal method for me!”

6 kids, 4 mums, one on the way

Carl is foolish. Do not be like Carl. I’ll give you one more shall I. 4 is plenty, I want you to come back next time you see.

Young lovers eloped and got hitched

after time his desires they switched

Now it’s gone really bad

and he fancies her dad

‘cos his big hands they have him bewitched

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/casual/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/enamored/

Even more limericks on sombre topics. Probably not for kids…

Proof that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world. Or, I just wanted a tenuous reason to post this on the daily prompt, you decide.

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects. What do you reckon?

A fellow alas premature

in his loving, his wife quite demure

Said “I need you to last

and not be so damn fast

cos you’re done fore I start, that’s for sure

A woman got picked up and drugged

and a fellow got beaten and mugged

but I said to the wife

at least we’ve a good life

she said “you’re cold hearted”, I shrugged.

Chap in charge of the choir last spring

said he just loves to make the boys sing

“Do it harder and faster!”

said the old choir master

you really do have a nice ring

A fellow joined up and no doubt

true patriot so he shipped out

Lost his legs to a mine

had some made now he’s fine

and he always gets parked when hes out

A cheating wife knocked up oh dear

Told her hub she was faithful all year

But the couple are white

and the kid black as night

so he left her for chicks, meat and beer

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

More limericks about sad things

my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…

my quest to determine whether a limerick can make the most horrid subject a little less so…

I fellow I know, a romancer

lovely wife, healthy kids and great dancer

had it all so he thought

but it all came to nought

when he died really young of brain cancer

These Twins at birth were separated

who later in life met and dated

they had kids, sad to say

hip conjoined by the way

now in freak show they’re quite celebrated

“You’re adopted” says father to son

“and I’ve just had a chat to your mum

It’s just not working out

we don’t want you about

this parenting lark’s just no fun.”

Want to read more of my stuff?

This is kinda funny

and this kind of sad

This was just fun

In the news this week…

Trust me these are all on the BBC website! Kind of. Okay, maybe not in limerick form…

Trust me these are all on the BBC website! Kind of. Maybe not in limerick form…

Zac Makwala, a Botswanan runner

Ran 400 in world champs this summer

But he got bottom squirts

And excluded “It hurts!

Its unfair, wrong and oh such a bummer”

A bastard it seems, name of Gus

Got quite fat and his wife made a fuss

So he went for a run

got upset and for fun

pushed a lass passing by ‘neath a bus

Kim-Jung and Donald you ought ta

Stop waffling on about slaughter

Cos the Donald will win

‘Leash his nukes with a grin

Then fondle Kim’s wife, gran and daughter

Want to read more of my stuff?

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

More sombre limericks…kind of.

Today I’d like to explore the frailty of our existence. through the medium of limerick.

I’ve rather enjoyed the attempts at sombre limericks of late and being a little pushed for time to write this week they still give me chance to write as they don’t take long.

Today I’d like to explore the frailty of our existence. through the medium of limerick.

So here you go, another 4…though these will be the last for some time as they’re getting rather dark and a bit weird if I’m being honest.

A lass I once worked with called Jane

Had a tumour removed from her brain

She went to celebrate

Thinking yeah this is great

But got hit on way home by a train

My friend knew a girl, quite the dancer

Really hot so he thought he’d romance her

Woo’d her hard, they got wed

Had two kids then dropped dead

Nobody knew she’d brain cancer

Mum loved chicken and steak, cheese and bread

Quite often ate cake in her bed

Scoffing chocolate and sweeties

Got real fat, diabetes

Lost 3 toes then one summer fell dead

Old dame lived alone in a flat

Had no family or friends fancy that

Fell, banged her head on the ground

3 weeks ’till she was found

Decomposed, face chewed off by her cat

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

A collection of hopefully sad limericks.

Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny. My aim is to do quite the opposite. How did I do?

On Mondays I like to allow myself a little more freedom from the discipline of the more structured writing schedule that I have set for myself.

Last Monday I explored the idea of the inappropriate Haiku which you can read here.

Limericks are so playful and whimsical and done right, usually rather funny. My aim is to do quite the opposite. So, can the limerick be sad? Perhaps you’d like to leave your own in the comments?

A young lad I knew as a senior

he got cancer, I think ’twas leukaemia

the treatment it failed

he got thinner and paled

and then died and his wife got bulimia

My dad was a drunk and a cheat

every weekend my mother he beat

took her cash to do drugs

bringing home sluts and thugs

’till we all ended up on the street

First time we met how I tried

not to love, but I made her my bride

then the marriage it failed

when her sister I nailed

Took her life, overdose, suicide

My dog, my best friend always true

dedicated to me through and through

Drunk, I left the door wide

and she ran straight outside

got ran over and died now I’m blue

A chap that I know who loves choir

had to quit giving up his desire

he could not harmonise

when he lost both his eyes

and his tongue when he fell in a fire

I think I’ll stop there, I’m not sure that I’m trying hard enough to make them sad. Or maybe I should blame the limerick, either way I hope it’s not too inappropriate and I think it goes to show that even the most serious of subjects find some lightness in a limerick.

Want to read more of my stuff? No. Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/harmonize/