R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure.  I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them.  So for the first time I’ll publish a few.  

 

There lived a young chap in Caracas

Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers

thought he’d best see the doc

who grabbed hold of his cock

and gave them a shake like maracas

 

A saucy fun temptress from China

spent her cash on a custom vagina

was so very good looking

but just no use for fucking

though she might just let you 69 her

 

A mechanic from North Carolina

had the hots for a big burly miner

left his family in shock

when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock

I just like it way more than vagina”

 

A vicar quite down on his luck

found a great way to make a quick buck

to the members he went

said “I need to pay rent,

for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”

 

A builder from Cork name of Shamus

had a monstrous and cavernous anus

in his bottom he placed

knives, forks, bowls cups and plates

now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

Some Saturday night limericks

A couple of limericks about adultery, one about a man with a small penis and one about middle aged spread.

 

Just a couple more limericks.  Been rather tied up back end of this week and I went to the pub last night so all I have managed over the last few days are the limericks I scribble in my notebook when I am on a conference call of some description at work…

 

A bank robber from Toremelinos

stole to get cash for his penis

to enlarge was his wish

but the products are pish

now he’s locked up in jail with men, heinous

 

‘My Friend’ watches far too much telly

middle aged, double chins and round belly

legs and arms got quite thick

now he can’t see his dick

and his man boobs they jiggle like jelly

 

A husband one day proclaimed dead

seems his wife shot him right through the head

on his phone saw a text

“Banged your sister, you’re next!”

really made quite a mess of the bed

 

Farmers wife with a craving for men

got caught cheating again and again

hub quite angry threw fits

then he chopped her to bits

fed her parts to the pigs in his pen

My Haiku process

I find it hard to do serious haiku, they intimidate me and make me feel rather insecure. So I write these instead…

When I started with my haiku I found it hard to do the serious ones, the ones about nature and such.  The proper ones.  Instead I have always tried to write funny haiku about serious things.  My process is pretty simple, I write down a load of serious awful things just like the list below and then do my best to write something that might bring a smile to your face.  Life can be rather serious, and it really is good to laugh.

  • Getting aids
  • Catching your wife cheating
  • The death of a family member
  • Being diagnosed with cancer
  • Catching an STD

 

1982

caught aids from a toilet seat

that’s where it’s from right?

 

caught her red handed

He wants you to say his name?

say my lawyers name!

 

Granny passed away

to be fair she was quite old

inheritance, YES!

 

Grim outlook, cancer

live like there’s no tomorrow

cake for every meal

 

frightfully itchy

the colour just looks all wrong

why is it oozing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Twitter Challenge

Here’s the deal. 11 x 9 word tweets to compile a 99 word piece of flash fiction. Easy right?

Okay so there’s this fabulous flash fiction rodeo going on over at Carrot Ranch.  I have been putting in entries each week but you won’t have seen them because I can’t publish then until the judging is over.

The most recent challenge is great fun and is done through twitter.  So, if you have it you can follow it here.  The aim is to write a 99 word flash fiction piece in 11, 9 word tweets.

I don’t really do twitter other than to enjoy the odd perusal of The Donald and to tweet abuse to companies I feel wronged by should I receive terrible service.  It really has just passed me bye mostly.    I do send my Afterwards posts there but only seem to have gathered a following of 14 people

Anyway, let’s see how I do shall we.  See you in the twittersphere perhaps (I am told that’s a thing).

P.S.  Having posted them they look weird and my wife now thinks I have a date with a chap from the coffee shop as only read the first one.  Oddly she seemed okay with it.  #liberated.


 

Lens

Joseph was too young to remember what had happened himself, and those left behind never seemed to want to speak of it.  All he needed to know was that it was over, they had won, and they needed to rebuild. 

I wrote this for a photo challenge, but I misread and its a week early I think.  I will link to it when it’s time 🙂


Joseph adjusted the focus on the telescope ever so slightly as he made himself comfortable in the large battered red leather wing back chair.   He looked briefly through the eyepiece then pulled a small red cloth from his pocket and carefully wiped the lens.  Clear nights were still such a rarity and even though the war had ended ten years ago the remains of the destruction still hung in the air as a reminder, obscuring sun and moon alike.

In recent years, with the skies occasionally opening up to reveal their hidden treasures,  he would  head up to the old ruined house on the hill across the valley, and dragging the telescope he had salvaged in one of the endless destroyed homes he would clamber over what was left of the stairs to the top floor.  Where once there had been bedrooms now only weather beaten and rotting floor boards remained, and where there had once been a roof now there was only sky.

It had taken some effort to get the chair from the library up to the top floor but when the grey occasionally peeled back it was well worth it.

“You be careful up there” his Aunt would always tell him, and he would always tell here that there was nothing to be worried about because the war was over, they’d won, and the visitors were long gone.  She remembered the war better than he did though,  and he would often lie awake at night and hear he tossing and turning in her sleep– reliving the horror that had resulted in nearly 6 billion dead.

Joseph was too young to remember what had happened himself, and those left behind never seemed to want to speak of it.  All he needed to know was that it was over, they had won, and they needed to rebuild.

He knew that they had been invaded, that they had fought valiantly and that countless numbers had been lost on both sides.  He also knew that when the United Governments  detonated the nova bombs at the heart of the visitors fleet in a last desperate stand they not only wiped out the entire visitor command and control network but they vaporised much of the southern hemisphere.

Right now though all he really wanted to think about was the moon.  He loved the stars, they filled him with hope and excitement but it was the moon that stirred his soul.  Another rock, drifting through space and so very close, you could almost touch it.  His Aunt had told him how people had once lived there, before the war and he would often imagine himself up there, looking down on earth.

As darkness fell he sat back in the chair and pulled an apple from his pocket.  It wasn’t much but it would have to do as dinner thought.  He wasn’t hungry really, he was too excited.

As the sky turned dark, the stars poking through the inky blackness the Moon began it’s journey across the sky.  His heart leapt as he realised it was full.  He put his eye to the viewer and focussed and it grew large and clear.

He watched it travel across the sky, adjusting occasionally to ensure it stayed clear and in focus. He sat quite still as he traced the lines across it’s grey surface and each new meteor crater filled him with excitement and he hastily scribbled notes with a stub of a pencil on scraps of paper he unfolded from his shirt pocket.

As he studied the surface he thought, for just a moment, that he noticed a flash of movement.  He finished the last of the apple, wiped the lens again, and refocussed.

“Probably just something on the lens” he thought, but it was no mistake and there was something in the top quadrant of his view.  He adjusted again, pulling back in an attempt to focus on the object. As the dark blur became clear he could make out something angular, something man made.  He was too close still, and again he adjusted, whatever it was was closer that the moon.

Joseph squeezed his eye to the viewer, heart racing.  It was unmistakable.  Moving through space, back lit by the moon, were a small fleet of ships circling a larger vessel.  They were back.

Some utter filth

For the sake of common decency there are things I would love to write but don’t. Here’s a sneak preview as to why…

If you’ve read me for any length of time you know I love limericks.  Why?  Because they’re such whimsical fun.

Mostly they just kind of appear in my head you know, without much effort.  I will think of a theme, find a couple of words that rhyme and they just magically appear.  Or maybe I have a start or an end line that makes me chuckle and I take it from there.

Now, there are a lot of limericks I do not write that rattle around brain.  Some are just awfully filthy and/or just go too far in terms of good taste and seem rather crass.  The English language is somewhat to blame too, because how am I supposed to not think of the obvious when suck, luck and fuck all rhyme.

You try not to write a limerick about Donald trump having his bottom fiddled with when famous and anus also go perfectly well together.  it is not an easy thing and I am a weak man.  Mostly I like to write those ones on public lavatory walls or teach them to other people’s young children.

Alas I must though have some sort of filter because whilst I don’t mind offending people it should never be done just for the sake of offence.

Anyway, here are a few of the starting or ending lines from some of them them – feel free to perhaps make up your own using them.

Some starts

A well endowed teacher called Rick

An uncle quite fond of incest

A woman with breasts double D

A preacher man down on his luck

There once was a woman quite fussy

 

and how about a few endings…

and exploded all over her face

and a penis the size of a marrow

and collapsed into bed with her dad

and a clitoris the size of a grape

and removing a shoe from his anus

 

anyway…sorry about that.  I’ll go now.

 

 

 

 

Some limericks

Just a few limericks to get them out of my head. Camping, drugs and a couple of perverts are on teh menu today.

 

Just a couple of quickies…

 

A supplier of drugs most sublime

said “No ones cokes quite good as mine

and you’ll never go back

once you’ve tasted my crack

and my weed is undoubtedly fine”

 

There once was a pervert,  Jaffar

who with puppies lured kids to his car

he got caught, locked away

and I’m quite glad to say

he got shanked in the showers, hoorah!

 

There once was a priest from Belize

Who’s penis hung down to his knees

but it only got used

on the boys he abused

gets beat nightly in jail, I’m quite pleased

 

A handy young camper from Kent

spent his weekends outdoors in a tent

but a wind came on through

ripped his home clean in two

left him soaked and confused, poles quite bent

 

 

 

Faeries: The long winter – Part 3

…”Open” she cried, jaw clenched as she tumbled unsure of which was up and which down.  Her heart raced, surely she hadn’t escapade the cold earth and the wolves only for it to end like this. 

I thought I’d give this another stab.  I use it as practice really and to explore things in my head that I can’t quite get out…

Faeries: The long winter

Faeries: The long winter – Part 2


 

Kostromo tumbled through the opening into nothing, the howl of the wolves fading as she fell head over heels into the darkness of the cavern below.  With light fading fast she attempted to once more open her wings, and this time she felt them move ever so slightly as she strained.

“Open” she cried, jaw clenched as she tumbled unsure of which way up and which down.  Her heart raced, surely she hadn’t escapade the cold earth and the wolves only for it to end like this.

Eyes closed she willed them to again open with all she and this time they burst free from the icy fingers that had held them so tight, and in the blink of an eye she ceased to fall.

On gossamer silver wings she hovered in the middle of the cavern, high above her she could still see the light streaming through the opening she had slipped through.  She looked about but everything was so very dark.  Looking down she could see a feint ribbon of blue light cutting through the inky blackness.  It was hard to tell how far away it was.  Was it the Cavern floor?

There was no way she could go back out the way she had came, so slowly she began to float downwards.  Occasionally she could just make out cold rock faces here and there and as she descended silently the sliver of blue began to shimmer more brightly and she could hear the feint trickle of water.

It was a river, and as it neared she could see that it glowed with a soft blue light illuminating the area adjacent to where it ran.  Small tufts of grass, daffodils and crocus followed its path as it carved it’s way across the cavern floor and silver sprats could be seen swimming in the shallows, larger fish breaking the surface then darting back below the swirling waters.

She alighted gently alongside the river, he wings still beating slowly.  The cold seemed to have lessened, and as she stood bathed in the light of the waters she heard a voice.

“Welcome faery” it said.  It was an old voice, and familiar.

“Frog King” she exclaimed excitedly “Show yourself”.

From the shimmering waters the largest frog you will ever see emerged, his skin dancing shades of  emerald greens and golds and his eyes as blue as the light of the river.  He heaved himself onto the bank not far from her, the water cascading from the bumps and lumps of his skin.  Kostromo bowed in respect.  The frog king was one of the oldest of the woodland kings and was already old beyond memory when she was still a youngling.

“Welcome Kostromo” he said bowing his head in response, “we had all but given up hope of seeing your kind again.”

“Oak awakened me” she said as a dragonfly whizzed past her head.

“Winter has continued unchecked without you Kostromo, and for many many seasons, without your light all of the creatures have suffered.”

“But why was I not awakened?” She asked.

“When you last slept there was an awakening of a darkness that we have not seen before and…” The Frog King paused.

“What is it?” Kostromo pressed.

He looked at her with eyes that were piercing blue like the heart of an ice berg and blinked.

“Your sister was taken Kostromo, she was unable to wake you and so the winter saw no end”

“Taken?  By whom?”

“There are things under the heavens, old forces and long forgotten, that have returned child” he answered in his deep croaking voice “creatures from the darkness and another time that few of us still recall and that we had thought vanquished.”

Kostromo stood still, her head spinning as she struggled with the words of The Frog King.

“Where is Lucia” she demanded.  “Where is she, I will free her” she insisted.

“Patience fairy” Frog King cautioned “now is not the time for such things, first you must eat and rest.  We have much to discuss.”


Photo courtest of Photoparisienne@pixabay

Discount Rap (per Michael’s request for something very sweary) – SoundCloud

You should Kendra because she has stuff worth reading and a fabulous way of saying it. She also has a brilliant grasp of profanity and I casually suggested she do a spoken word kinda thing with one of her posts and guess what…she only bloody well went and did it.

Kindra M. Austin's avatar

Listen to Discount Rap (per Michael’s request for something very sweary) by Kindra M. Austin #np on #SoundCloud

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On still being fat

A piece on being made up of one quarter Kentucky fried chicken and three quarters middle aged dad.

I wrote here, some while ago, on the matter of being fat and being on a diet.  That didn’t last though because I have a real love of all things delicious and a self destructive streak that simply will not listen no matter how tight my trousers may be or how jiggly my man bosoms.

I did though do something I have been putting off for a while and go for a full medical check up recently.  The sort you pay a lot for and they issue you with a terrifying report afterwards which has charts in it that prove that you’re lucky to be alive and that you are made up of one quarter Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Probably my thighs.  They are quite succulent.

So, it was with some trepidation that I headed to Leeds and signed in, nervous about what was to follow but relieved in a way that I had done something positive.  I am getting on after all, I am 46 this year.

Now I don’t smoke, and drink only occasionally, but I don’t eat well at all and get far too little exercise.  By too little I mean pretty much none –  unless you count running back upstairs from the kitchen late at night because the blinds are up and the neighbours can probably see me eating handfuls of wafer thin ham straight from the fridge in my pants.

They ran a full battery of tests on all of my major bits and pieces, took blood and other bodily fluids to pore over and even tested my hearing.  I’m a bit deaf on the wife side apparently.

There was a not wholly unpleasant episode involving lubricant and the snap of a rubber glove which men of a particular age are subjected to and the caress of an educated hand to ensure that all was ship shape in the underpants department.

How did it work out?

Well turns out It could have been a lot worse though I hope very much it was the kick up my full bottom that I needed.  Almost everything came back better than I hoped though I apparently need to eat more nuts, oily fish and avocado.  Easy enough I guess.  The two areas for concern were my weight (which I did not need to pay someone £300 to tell me – I do have a mirror) and my blood pressure.  They’re obviously linked but it did result in me having to go on medication as it was worryingly high.

I felt rather chastened I will admit,

So what now?  Well a few weeks in on the meds and I feel noticeably better and I seem to almost have my eating under control.  Its surprising what you are capable of when you the ramifications are laid out for you by someone with a certificate on his wall that entitles him to caress your testicles.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ronovan Writes’ Haiku Challenge :Lake & Calm

You know the drill. Small Japanese poems using the words Lake and Calm. Go!

Two words, endless possibilities.

Lake: Silver and gold

Calm descends at fall of day

a tranquil mirror

or perhaps a Tanka…

Calm I watch the lake

The body is well weighed down

she won’t resurface

Endless possibilities

Best call the insurance folk

What about

boat adrift, calm lake

waves lapping at the shoreline

drunken fishing trip

Maybe a teeny weeny haiku

calm water

at camp crystal lake

Boo Jason

Happy Monday!

 


RonovanWrites #Weekly #Haiku #Poetry Prompt #Challenge #171 Lake&Calm

Music to my ears

If music were a woman then I think perhaps she would be my dirty secret rather than my soul mate.

Mel, who you can and should read, posted a piece earlier today which you can read here.  Mel has a load of posts, and I would recommend reading all about Charlie in particular.   Most enjoyable indeed.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own relationship with music.  I say relationship, but to be honest it is more a series of dirty one night stands than something more meaningful and long term.  I doubt very much that music and I will be slipping off for a romantic weekend to a little cabin somewhere to celebrate a lifetime of loyal partnership though there may well be the chance of a dirty romp in the back of the car.

Ask me who I love and I will tell you that I adore Prince and would happily let him touch me inappropriately (were he not dead – something that still upsets me terribly).  I would also insist that I love all things eighties, that I have a thing for rather loud and nasty metal and own most of Bob Dylan’s early works on Vinyl.  I also had an awkward jazz phase (and have the Dave Brubeck red vinyls to prove it), a pop stage and a particularly filthy long weekend where I was into rap music but that just made me a bit sweary and it turns out that there is no appropriate time for a fat middle aged programmer to be using the ‘N’ word.  No matter how fly or dope his tunes.

There isn’t much I haven’t tried but mostly I seem to resort back to the music I loved when I was in my teens in the eighties.  And Volbeat.  I heard Volbeat for the first time about 5 years ago and since then have fallen very much in love with their rockabilly metal.  I’ve even seen them in concert a couple of times and took my kids to see them.  Our Tom loves them especially, and he is only 9.

I then realised that technology has played a big part in my on off romance with music, particularly in recent years.  The music varies slightly but how and when I listen to it has been hugely influenced by the way I access it.  For many years I had the same old stack of CD’s and cassettes and things did not vary much at all.  Perhaps that was to do with having a young family and trying to work on my career.  Probably.  But as the years have progressed and I have found more time I have dipped in and out of music and most often as I have discovered new technology.

I dabbled with peer-to-peer sharing for a while and found myself stealing all manner of music I had never really listened to but that did not last long as I also stole some pirated films and a particular copy of the Lord of the Rings ended up being a virus so I packed that in pretty quickly.

iTunes then made me super horny for all the music I had forgotten from the eighties and nineties (and sometimes later), and for a long time I amassed a ton of stuff that I hadn’t really appreciated at the time and enjoyed it a lot more as I got older.  I ended up with everything Hootie and the Blowfish had done which when I look back was just a bit weird.  They were okay but I’m not sure I needed their entire collection.

Spotify and Deezer followed and that was quite fabulous and I had a nifty little speaker I would plug my phone into as I browsed endlessly but I would always end up coming back to the things from my youth.  I will admit to having a real thing  for Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Band which I picked up from my dad.

Sonos speakers followed and I put them through out the house and again these gave me a new lease of life and it was not long before I was treating my neighbours to hours and hours of Erasure and the Pet ship boys.

Recently my listening time has increased again on the back of picking up a couple of Amazon Alexas which I have hooked into my Sonos speakers and Spotify and Amazon music accounts and between me and the boys there is often sometime playing in multiple rooms throughout the house.

Funny how it goes though because the kids are mostly into eighties music and volbeat…I do wonder what will be next.


Some more limericks

100 word Wednesday – The Chase

Harold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fatties in Space Part 3 – Definitely still not for kiddies

You’d have thought I’d have given up on this idea by now wouldn’t you. But no. No I haven’t.

Part 1 is here and part 2 is here.  You really need to read those first for this to make much sense.  Not that it makes much sense.

 

The big day came around, as our pair left the ground

and to space they did head quite excited

soon of gravity free they would quite happily

give into their lust now ignited

 

Not constrained by their girth or the pull of the earth

they were sure to express their desire

to the chamber they floated, rotund hot and bloated

loins smouldered then soon set on fire

 

Hungry mouths warm wet lips bulging crotch quite pert nips

they cavorted and drifted through space

arching backs roaming hands loves wet warmth swollen glands

In huge bosom he buries his face

 

Set free from their weight, she’s the food on his plate

he devours from angles quite kinky

with his mouth he then pleases his tongue he then teases

and lord look where he just stuck his pinky

 

Heaving flesh they’re entwined to their passion resigned

hungry mouths they consume head to feet

Right way upside down how they both go to town

Like that time at the all you can eat

 

Now the entree is done and its time for more fun

its the main, shes bent over and waiting

Massive buttocks quite round what a sight most profound

he approaches his mouth salivating

 

Hands on hips legs akimbo, head thrown back like a limbo

how he handles her bulk into place

with no effort he fills her the pleasure it thrills her

Just like ribs, puts a smile on her face

 

Then with coital alignment and subtle refinement

its doggy, jack hammer then twister

little dipper, wheel barrow, for her age she’s quite narrow

though the Zebra Lunge gave her a blister

 

As they peak in their lust one more move is a must

and he grabs her and spins her around

They explode with delight and embrace close and tight

For the pleasure and love they have found

 

She caresses his chins and quite sated she grins

satisfied for the first time in years

pudding eyes drink her in shes his goddess of sin

such pleasure it brings them to tears


 

Well I think that is enough really.  I will miss them,

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Some more limericks

This week I will be covering gender fluidity, inappropriate love for South American animals, naked dancing and of course…Donald Trump.

My friend met this lass one December

Gender fluid, trust me I remember

One day she’s a bloke

Next a woman, no joke

Took a lot to not always offend her him them shim …look, she had a lovely bottom and they were very happy and that’s all that matters right.  Love is never simple but well worth the effort and labels really can get in the way sometimes.

X

 

A Peruvian who so loved his llama

When it died shipped it to an embalmer

When returned he was thrilled

Sexily posed and quite filled

Now he spoons it at night, sans pyjama

 

A naturist nun loved a giggle

and to dance and my word did she jiggle

Pendulous she would swing

Heaving breasts, quite the thing

And her bottom quite wildly she’d wiggle

 

There once was a POTUS called Trump

An orange small handed vile lump

Make things great?  There’s no hope

Your wife’s boobs he will grope

And your sister he’ll most surely hump


Kangaroo – OWPC Challenge

The great plan of the gods

Harold

TJ’s Haiku Challenge: Flower & Simply

Dirty haiku about Mick Hucknall

Before you read this you really ought to familiarise yourself with the man that is Mick Hucknall.  But be wary of getting too close, he is surely smouldering.

 

Oh sweet Mick Hucknall

Simply red and solo king

Titian haired flower

 

Lover of repute

scores deflowered, fiery lord

simply delicious

 

ladies simply swoon

Flowery ginger bollocks

rampant love machine

 

flower, oh simply

I want to fall from the stars

straight into your arms

 

Okay so I never intended to suddenly be writing dirty poetry about Mick Hucknall but hey, that is the lure of the man!  

Apparently…

 


https://amaviedecoeurentier.wordpress.com/2017/10/08/tjs-household-challenge-2/

How very curious

Just a thought or two

So, I wrote here about the busy week I had culminating in events of the weekend, and following that I found myself rather weary for a few days and catching up on things so had no opportunity to write.

The majority of the stuff I published in the last week and a half were written before last week commenced so I found myself having done little or no writing for over a week when I sat down to write this morning.

Curious it was that I really struggled.  I’ve been able to churn out up to 3 or 4 pieces a day for months effortlessly but when I sat there everything seemed very foreign to me.  I looked at my previous posts and they seemed wholly unfamiliar and whilst I have tried to keep up with comments I had to keep going back to look at what  I had written.  Lots of the ideas I had seemed rather empty and it struck me that my brain has been in a wholly different non creative place.

Browsing through my reader I wondered how much I had missed.  I have read a few things recently but so very little as I slipped back into the routines I had before I took up writing a few months ago and it struck me how very easy it would be for me to simply put down my pen and to not write again.

I had a few pointless conference calls at work today so I managed to scribble down a few limericks and haiku, and slowly things started to feel familiar again.  Tonight I have managed to plonk myself in front of the keyboard and I can just about feel the ideas starting to come back and thoughts forming.

I haven’t done this for long, so perhaps I do not have the muscle memory quite formed yet but I am now more aware of the need to keep feeding my brain and to try and maintain the creative processes because I didn’t much like the idea of not doing this again though it would be quite easy to let something else take its place because life can just get in the way sometimes.

 

 

If I was not English

An ode to ignorance

So if I was not English, and I think I will suppose

The type of things I would enjoy, and ponder upon those

For foreign,  people often seem, when seen on the TV

their weird ways, their lovely teeth, they’re really not like me

 

If French all day Id feast on Cheese and pastries I’d consume

and walk around in open shirts, with frills and pantaloons

turn up my nose at things not french and art I would adore

and get myself a second wife and hide her like a whore

 

If Spanish I would surely sleep each day from noon ’till 5

I need a nap,  been up since 9, if not I’d not survive

Then mostly I’d eat squid for tea and sip on wine all night

and watch the Brits on holiday  – they drink and puke and fight

 

If German born Id surely spend efficient time at work

then home for beer and sausage and some sauerkraut, what a perk

in leather shorts I’d strut around, my bare chest on display

and dance to David Hasselhoff, fat bottom I would sway

 

Across the pond I think perhaps gun toting I would be

it seems it fine if I shoot dead the folk who bother me

Defend myself from innocents not like me, how sublime

I’d get myself grenades and guns, some rockets and a mine

 

 

OK, so I will stop that there.  I kind of lost my sense of humour the day that daft twat started shooting people at a country and western concert and found myself hating everyone and everything and just wondering how on earth do we end up doing such awful things to each other.  I got that far before I calmed down a little but still felt all of this frustration at the stupidity of people and then started writing and thought yeah Im just as bad, mocking people so I stopped but I then thought oh heavens just press publish because it is what you felt at the time.  I had this desire to just ridicule and mock, but not too severely.  Passive mockery if you will.

Anyway, it is what it is and I am what I am.  I do find humour in most things and most situations and for the most part think the world is quite hilarious.  Then I started taking myself far too seriously.

you should have seen what I had planned to write about the Chinese and the Italians…awful awful stuff.


Scratch – Daily prompt

Fly me to the moon – Sunday photo fiction

Faeries: The long winter

 

Cautionary limericks and one about that orange fool

just a few bits and pieces

 

 

A chap with a taste for wild nights

bought a hooker in basque and black tights

unprotected he played

wife found out that he’d strayed

came home scratched and all covered in bites

 

Young lovers but still in their teens

hormones on fire and tight jeans

got knocked up by mistake

what a big one to make

Oh well, so much for all of your dreams

 

A POTUS hailed “Son of a bitch”

as the players stood firm on the pitch

don’t you dare take a knee

it’s offensive to me

and my white privileged buddies, all rich

 


 

Blanketed in bliss

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Colleen’s teeny weeny Japanese poetry challenge

Haiku me baby one more time…

Using the words Ghost and haunt.  I shall start with a piece entitled:  ‘Drunken Liaison’

I wake up sweating

You haunt my sleep like a ghost

what was I thinking

Let’s try another

I’m the ghost, the dark

dreams haunted, hid under your bed

Gosh it needs a clean

Meh.  Maybe a Tanka

She ghosts him, ice cold

he haunts her, stalking every move

restraining order

“Get out of my damn bushes

now I’m calling the police!”

double meh

cold tranquil of night

ghostly noises emanate

haunt me all you like

In the garden you’re buried

such peace and quiet at last

piffle and tosh…

 


https://colleenchesebro.com/2017/10/10/colleens-weekly-poetry-tuesday-challenge-no-54-ghost-haunt/

photo courtesy of Kudybadarota @ pixabay

Ronovan’s Haiku Challenge: Heart & Need

Minuscule Japanese poetry

Not really written much lately. Let’s get back into the swing of things with some light Haiku work.

A slave to loves need

the heart wants what the heart wants

mistakes made in haste

Guess it’s a start

Son has stomach ache

he thinks it’s a heart attack

Just needed a poo

another?

I hope for the day

Donald needs a new heart, gets

a poor black muslim’s

How wicked I know.  Aslan will surely punish me.  Bed I think…good night.


 

Fragile whispers

Harvest – 99 Word Challenge

A Pinch of Happiness


https://ronovanwrites.com/2017/10/09/ronovanwrites-weekly-haiku-poetry-prompt-challenge-170-heartneed/

What a week

A quick scribble on the week that was and on being a bit of a knob.

Ever have one of those weeks you think will never end?  The sort that keeps you wound up and all frantic with your innards all knotted, only to look back at the week and think “What was all the fuss about?”

I had one of those.

I have a decent job, one that I am pretty good at and that does not particularly vex me.  Just the way i like things – without vex.

This week’s vex though came in the form of a Rugby festival that I organise and deliver for about 800 children.  I do it because I love the club my kids play at, it is part of the community and over the last few years has become a huge part of my life and my families.  They discovered I was bad ass at spreadsheets (my words obviously, not theirs) and before you know it I am involved in all manner of things including being in charge of this thing (though I am still unsure how).

Planning includes doing a lot of the actual work needed in the run up including things such as putting up fences and gazebos and a list of other jobs as long as my arm.  I have this all in hand, no problems, and love doing it.  Then, with a week to go I seem to head into a spiral of panic and am convinced that it is going to be a disaster and become a complete arsehole and beat myself up.

So today, the big day arrives and with the exception of some major traffic and parking issues it goes off really well.   There is a brilliant team of people there making sure

Whilst the cars queue and some people rant and perform it seems the end of the world and I am convinced it is going to be a disaster.  I’ve organised everything so of course traffic on a tiny Island housing 70 million people is my fault.

Eventually, a semblance of calm ensues and I take a walk through the site to see what we have put on and I had a right lump in my throat.  800 children ranging from 6 to 11 playing rugby, having a wonderful time and not a care in the world amongst them.  7 hours later we are all packed away, I have had a couple of Woo-woo’s and I get home to take a look at my emails and Facebook to discover a load of thanks and congratulations on a great day and how they’re looking forward to next year.

I know there are probably loads of deep and meaning things I could assume about myself in this regard but mostly I thought “stop being such a dick, you prepared for this, enjoy yourself more because one day you will be dead.”

Nothing is the end of the world, apart from the end of the world of course.

Anyway, I’ve been up for a very long time and I don’t usually post about things like this and I am going to bed secretly quite proud and a little bit emotional about what we achieved today.

 

 

 

Limerick o’clock!

Yeah you know what time it is!

A quite lovely temptress from Dover

loved to frolic and roll in the clover

She would lie in the dew

with a fellow or two

caught a chill, went without a pullover

 

This molester in charge of the States

filled with anger and bile how he hates

The sick and the poor

and the blacks even more

and brown people with Mexican traits

 

A chap from Niece grew a large beard

said his wife “Love, it looks rather weird,

So perhaps have a shave

and in bed please behave

don’t come near me until that thing’s sheared.”

 

A butcher from Leeds who loved pies

Cant resist them, though trust me tries

Now his belly’s quite round

and his man boobs profound

and you should see the size of his thighs


Love – FFFAW Challenge

After Dark Haiku – 29/9/2017

Faeries: The long winter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a quickie

Zoom zoom zoom

I don’t really have time to write this weekend as I am coordinating a rugby festival for 800 children but a few limericks occurred to me today so Ill just get these out of my head as I need to make some room for other things.  

There once was a Farmer of note

had a thing, quite obscene, with a goat

Neighbours frowned, disapproved

as they did acts quite lewd

“We’re quite happy” he said, quote, unquote

Wrong I know but stuff happens.  I lived on a farm and there was this cow with no ears and one day one of the lads who milked them was found…Actually no I’ll stop there.

A chap I know finds Santa scary

with his beard so big white and hairy

and his bulging great sack

and his lock picking knack

Christmas eve, keeps the lights on quite wary

anyway moving along swiftly.  Let’s end with a Donald one.  If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know how much I like to write about him.

There’s this POTUS who loves groping mums

wives and sisters and aunties and nuns

You’ll be next, not discreet

he will send off a tweet

share his conquest of you with his chums

Goodnight 🙂

 


Screw you haiku volume…6?

Driving made me super gay

Edgar – A FFfAW word challenge


Courtesy of Free-Napster@pixabay

 

 

Fragile whispers

I tried, I really did.

Right, so I sit down intent on writing something deep and moving in response to Michelle’s prompt and all I can think about is George Michael and careless whisper.

The song is not simply simply tugging at the edges of my thinking as I write, but rather it in my face, freshly waxed wearing only tight leather pants, gyrating suggestively and occasionally thrusting it’s bulge at me quite provocatively shouting “Look at me! Look at Me!”

I’ve tried a few lines of touching prose but each time I think I am getting somewhere it then sneaks up behind me, wraps its hands tenderly around my waist, grinds against me whispering into my ear “Never gonna dance again…”

Given how intent it was on being heard I thought perhaps listening to it might vanquish it from my thinking.  Get it over and done with as it was but alas that did not quite work out as I had hoped.  Sitting at the desk where I write in the spare room in only my boxers, illuminated by the light of my small screen screen listening to careless whisper, my wife noticed me and passed commented that perhaps I should light a few candles or was there maybe something I needed to tell her.

I attempted to explain my predicament but I had started a playlist and suddenly “I want your sex” started to play and the moment for explanations was lost.

Oh well, maybe next time eh.


Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Your lunchtime limerick 27/9/17

Your lunchtime limerick 26/9/17

Photo courtesy of Comfreak@pixabay

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/34953311/posts/1611621418

Post number 200

Such a non event that it doesn’t even get a picture.

There I was about to write a post on the subject of “Even more tales of alien probing” when I realised that this was going to be my 200th post.  95 days have passed since I published Armitage and wow has it flown.

My first instincts were that this should be something special, perhaps reflecting on my experience but I have done that a few times already and can’t be bothered to do it again.  I considered writing about all the fabulous folk who’s work I have liked or the WordPress community I feel a part of but decided against that also.

I think I would prefer to simply pass the event by, as I do my birthdays as I get older, and not put any expectation on myself.  I write much better when I am simply making up nonsense and waffling on with abandon.

Maybe when I hit 500 posts I might do something special but for now, nothing to read here, a total non event on every level.

Move along…

Michael

p.s.  Okay, maybe just a limerick because you’ve taken time to give it a read.

 

A woman from work, Laura Nook

turned to whoring to make a quick buck

On her back making cash

till she got quite a rash

and then syphillis and aids, what bad luck