On still being fat

A piece on being made up of one quarter Kentucky fried chicken and three quarters middle aged dad.

I wrote here, some while ago, on the matter of being fat and being on a diet.  That didn’t last though because I have a real love of all things delicious and a self destructive streak that simply will not listen no matter how tight my trousers may be or how jiggly my man bosoms.

I did though do something I have been putting off for a while and go for a full medical check up recently.  The sort you pay a lot for and they issue you with a terrifying report afterwards which has charts in it that prove that you’re lucky to be alive and that you are made up of one quarter Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Probably my thighs.  They are quite succulent.

So, it was with some trepidation that I headed to Leeds and signed in, nervous about what was to follow but relieved in a way that I had done something positive.  I am getting on after all, I am 46 this year.

Now I don’t smoke, and drink only occasionally, but I don’t eat well at all and get far too little exercise.  By too little I mean pretty much none –  unless you count running back upstairs from the kitchen late at night because the blinds are up and the neighbours can probably see me eating handfuls of wafer thin ham straight from the fridge in my pants.

They ran a full battery of tests on all of my major bits and pieces, took blood and other bodily fluids to pore over and even tested my hearing.  I’m a bit deaf on the wife side apparently.

There was a not wholly unpleasant episode involving lubricant and the snap of a rubber glove which men of a particular age are subjected to and the caress of an educated hand to ensure that all was ship shape in the underpants department.

How did it work out?

Well turns out It could have been a lot worse though I hope very much it was the kick up my full bottom that I needed.  Almost everything came back better than I hoped though I apparently need to eat more nuts, oily fish and avocado.  Easy enough I guess.  The two areas for concern were my weight (which I did not need to pay someone £300 to tell me – I do have a mirror) and my blood pressure.  They’re obviously linked but it did result in me having to go on medication as it was worryingly high.

I felt rather chastened I will admit,

So what now?  Well a few weeks in on the meds and I feel noticeably better and I seem to almost have my eating under control.  Its surprising what you are capable of when you the ramifications are laid out for you by someone with a certificate on his wall that entitles him to caress your testicles.

I’ll let you know how I get on.







Author: Michael

Husband, dad,(ex)programmer, comic collector and proud Yorkshireman. I have no idea why im here or why im writing but i rather enjoy it. no great fan of punctuation;

19 thoughts on “On still being fat”

  1. Oh the lure of French fries (chips.) Chips (crisps) are pretty alluring, too. That whole fry, chip, crisp thing has always amused me and I really appreciate the opportunity to employ it. You’d best be fine when next you report in.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Michael you are too funny! I’m glad that you got your check up and although the news was not perfect it did provide some insight into your health and a way forward. Best wishes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are so freaking delightful to read!

    Gosh… you’re just a year older than I am. Health is a bigger deal for women though… bet you get all tip top shape sooner than you think.

    Also, i highly recommend you snack on the wife more and less on the other. That’s a whole lot better for you. Burn calories and everything! 😉

    Can you tell I’m just a bit bossy!

    This was a brave and fun read of a post! 😄


  4. Glad the report was not too far into the negative category. Blood pressure can be monitored pretty easily. If they just wouldn’t make so darn much tasty food that has instant access these days… best of luck on the diet!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was refreshing… There’s not many guys that blog about this particular issue… And, from what I’ve noticed… If they do, they then go on a long rant about how they only ate baked chicken breast for every meal and literally just picked up long distance running out of thin air…

    Coming from someone who does write pretty meaningless blogs about my body dysmorphia, eating issues and vague remarks that lean more towards being anorexic due to fad crash diets and hyped up youtube videos… It’s always nice to see that there’s someone out there who has trouble dealing with these problems as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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