Tag: fun

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 20/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

Deep penetration

driven hard, right on target

to the heart of you

 

It seems that some people find ARCHERY a turn on.  Can you believe that?  Archery?  Its hardly riveting as a sport so god alone knows how it’s stimulating enough to get you all riled up enough to need to drop your trousers and service yourself whilst watching the Olympic games.

It has a name too.  TOXOPHILIA.

People…seriously…

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku – 15 December

I want to F-F-F-Fu-Fu

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Psellismophilia

Just imagine the scene.  She undresses, he watches her.  She begins to speak…

I wa-wa-wa-want

To t-t-take you and then

lick you d-d-d

and at that point the whole thing was apparently over and done with in a right old sticky mess.  Who knew, but it is by all accounts the arousal when confronted with stuttering.

I is for i-spy

You can shove your i spy!

Before I get into this I would make the point that I love my boys very much and would do just about anything for them.

If in doubt understand that I will regularly unclog their toilet –  which they seem to prefer to only flush every third or fourth visit – with only minimal shouting and threats.  Look closely and you will see that the bonds of love are such that I have been known to tidy their rooms for them and only remind them once or twice that the option of adoption remains on the table until they are 18.

Still to be convinced?  My heart overflows with love so abundant that only recently I was witnessed preparing them 3 meals in a single day.  That’s true human kindness right there…

That said, there are limits and those limits come in the form of board games.  I really do not enjoy one bit sitting down with the family for an evening of board games and frivolity.  It takes almost no time at all for me to upset somebody because I refuse to let somebody win because they’re ‘only little’.  Play against kids of your own age if that’s how you want to roll but as far as I am concerned you want me to play, I will play to crush you.  Ideally I will make you never want to play board games with me ever again.

I know it makes me a terrible person.  I will pay for their therapy when they are older.  Might also explain why we have a cupboard full of unused board games.

The wife likes to play with the boys when I am away though, which is nice.

And don’t get me started on bloody i-spy.  As if driving in this country isn’t hard enough with it’s constant roadworks and sheer weight of traffic…I travel miles and miles having to try and guess the quite ridiculous things my youngest apparently spies.

Get lost Thomas you didn’t spot Batman, T is not for “Tornado” and you can get stuffed if you believe that you saw a clown in the car that went past us 5 miles ago.  You’re a liar and your lies make baby Jesus cry!

And don’t go crying to mum when I insist that Psoriasis begins with a P, and you’re no doctor so the dry skin on my elbows could well be something more serious and your diagnosis is worthless because you are only 9.

😉

 

 

 

Carrot Ranch Rodeo Challenge 5

In Challenge 5 of the Carrot Ranch Rodeo, writers were tasked with writing a complete 99-word story using Twitter.

In Challenge 5 of the Carrot Ranch Rodeo, writers were tasked with writing a complete 99-word story using Twitter. Of course, they couldn’t make it that simple. Every #Twitterflash story also had to be 11 sentences with exactly 9 words each.  This was my effort which was singled out by one of the judges which I was dead chuffed about.

Is anyone else seeing what I’m seeing out there?

If this is how things end I’m getting drunk!

Apparently they come in peace, but my mate Jed’s disappeared!

How drunk am I because I think Im #insideaspaceship

I’ve managed to evade them, is anyone reading this?

Ive found Jed, watching him from an air vent.

Sweet Jesus, they seem to be probing him now!

How the dickens did they fit that in there!?!?.

I think the bloody things are laughing you know.

Oh bloody hell they’ve spotted me, PLEASE SEND HELP!

The visitors are our friends and come in peace.

C. Jai Ferry (@CJaiFerry) commented:

“#PickALineAnyLine! If I had seen any of these lines on Twitter, I would have immediately clicked to read more. Each line is a story in itself, and I had to read faster and faster to see how it all worked out.”

 

BIG FUN!

I think we all wish we were just a bit like him…

20171206_1603171557322054.jpg

I saw that number plate on the way home today and it got me to thinking as to just what sort of person must they be that they are so confident in their fun factor they that he would demonstrate its apparent stellar quality in such a manner.  To have BIG FUN as your number plate you must surely be special.

Now I am going to suppose it is a man as I doubt a woman would ever boast of her ability to have fun in such a way.  Maybe it is just me and the way I was brought up but were it a woman driving such a car with that number plate I would imagine she was prone to sexual dalliances and enjoys a jolly good seeing to with anyone who was kind enough to buy her a whisky sour.  I know that is awful of me, and you know what – I blame society and my parents.  She might just actually be great fun and enjoy practical jokes and paintballing.

To be clear, those aren’t the opposite ends of some fun scale I have when assessing the funness of a woman.

So I am sat there in traffic imagining him and I did feel somewhat intimidated.  I like to think I am good fun when I am out, especially after a couple of whisky sours but he is probably the sort that makes me feel inferior and withdraw somewhat.

It was a bit like that time I saw a chap at the swimming baths with the largest penis I have ever seen.  He had a carer with him as he had some rather apparent learning difficulties but what he lacked in one regard nature had certainly compensated him for in the underpants department.  He strutted around the open change room like a Grecian god swinging care free and repeatedly bashing into the lockers.  He was having a fabulous time of it, blissfully happy and beaming from ear to ear and it left me feeling wholly inadequate.

But back to our fun time Freddie.  What must he be like I wondered?  Great hair for one – fun people are prone to fabulous hair I find, probably quite a thick head of it or maybe even a rather lovely curly to it.  It goes without saying that he is probably a fabulous dresser too.  He was driving a Mercedes so I am putting him in to the funny, charming and the life of the party type of fun rather than the whacky, silly voice office buffoon type of fun.

I bet you a fiver he had a really nice watch too.  And that he was a great lover, and kind to animals and would probably clear your drive of snow and salt it from that store of salt he keeps just in case.  In fact I bet he did all the neighbours drives.  Before they got up.

And oh what fun he is.  No party is the same without him, he lights up a room with his very presense and when it comes to charitable giving he…

Ok I think I have perhaps gone too far.  I just accidentally wrote more than five hundred words about a man I have never met and my wife will probably read this …

Love you wife x

A couple of rather rude limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…a few of the ones that make me chuckle that I often avoid writing because they go too far in some regards but I am in the mood for going too far today.

There was a young fellow from China

Met this lass with a massive vagina

 

 

he would rattle inside

she would say “It’s so wide,

but was tighter when I was a minor”

 

For every vagina based limerick I feel it should be balanced out with a penis based one.  Just for good measure.

 

A well endowed fellow called Scott

has a dick he could tie in a knot

animals he could make,

dogs, swords flowers or snake

some girls found it incredibly hot

 

And just because I can one about anal sex.

 

lad I know, poor thing – anus quite wrecked

he hit forty so prostate got checked

turned out loved it so much

craved it poked, drilled and touched

far more pleasure that one might expect

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You should be shocked at all of these and roll your eyes and tut.  If you dont then you are part of the problem 😉

It’s Donald Monday!

Just a few thoughts on everyone’s favourite tangerine molester.

 

A fellow called Donald, well travelled

Took to twitter as shit it unravelled

Makes no sense, spewing rage

His brains gone, it’s his age

Leaves us wondering, sad and quite baffled

 

Shall we have another?

 

There once was a Potus, Don T

Who its rumoured has showered in pee

Let it run down his back

Twixt his legs, through his crack

Hence the tone of his skin don’t you see?

 

Happy Monday!

 

 

 

My final Fetish Haiku – Somnophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Somnophilia

And I think most likely the last of these.   Too much of a good thing and all that business right.

 

Eyes closed breath gently

Hes watching through your window

Seems a bit rapey

 

Apparently some find it quite trouser stiffening to enjoy watching others sleep or when theyre unconscious.  It feels really ominous to me and I dont really envisage someone lying awake watching the love of their life sleeping peacefully.  I’m thinking more someone outside your bedroom window in the bushes masturbating furiously whilst you and your significant other sleep and then emptying themselves all over your hydrangas and ruining your well kept borders.

I think I said too much…

Fetish Haiku – Gerontophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

 

Droopy, saggy, pale

Pendulous appendages

Moist wrinkly crevice

 

Ooh god that’s quite bloody awful.  Turns out some folk go mad for old folk.  Older the better.  Like way older than your mum or your gran probably.  Think about it.

Did you?  Yeah? You can never unsee that now!

Anyway, sweet dreams x

F is for Fat

Oh F, such possibilities I see in you.

So I have written about being fat a few times, and whilst I fully intended to do so again I think I shall not and instead ponder a few other F’s – of which there are many.

I could write of friends or Facebook of fanatics or fighting.  I could perhaps turn my attentions to females or feuds or concern myself mostly with fantastical tales or the pursuit of faith but I shall do none of those things.

Neither will I give much thought to frogs or furniture, of which I have previously written, and I shall most certainly not write of finances or fiscal matters of any description.

No, I shall merely allow myself the luxury of consider all of the things I could do and choose to do none because it is bed time, and I have spent over ten hours in meetings today and am well and truly fucked.

Tomorrow, G is for Granville.

More R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are even some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read.

 

I blame these on you lot for encouraging me…

 

A fine actor from Hollywood hailed

and young men he apparently nailed

one with mouth he did please

as he dropped to his knees

many more he’d seduce but he failed

 

Dairy sales man who worked in Calcutta

Had a mind that was oft in the gutter

Home he’d go self to please

Rub his bollocks with cheese

And his nipples he’d smother in butter.

 

There once was an old man from Chile

Now you’re thinking I’ll write of his willy

That would be rather sick

To write odes of old dick

I’m more grown up than that, don’t be silly…

 

An innocent chap from Taiwan

who kept puppies and sweets in a van

Gave away outside schools

Church bazaar’s, public pools

worse charity ever, stupid man!

 

Bloke next door has this girlfriend, most flirty

Who based on the noise, gets quite dirty

“God that stings” through the walls

Heard him shout, slips and falls

Bangs his head, seems she’s also quite squirty

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

Cat and Dog

…He waited for cat to ask why today was not a day for napping.  Every day was absolutely a day for napping as far as cat was concerned, and she really was in no mood for dog this morning.

Dog barked excitedly as cat slipped into the room, rubbed herself against the leg of the old oak coffee table and jumped up onto the Old man’s chair.  She curled herself into a ball, took one look at dog and closed her eyes.

“Wake up wake up”dog barked his tail wagging wildly.

Cat opened her eyes slowly and sighed.

“What is it dog” she asked curtly, “I am rather tired and would very much like to take a nap.”

“A nap” dog exclaimed “oh no, no, no today is not for napping” he insisted.

He waited for cat to ask why today was not a day for napping.  Every day was absolutely a day for napping as far as cat was concerned, and she really was in no mood for dog this morning.  She had spent much of the night hunting mice in the barn and wanted to simply curl up and had no intention of asking why today was not a day for napping.

Dog waited for as long as he could, which was not long, before exclaiming excitedly. “It’s my birthday today cat, my birthday”

“And exactly how do you know that” cat asked impatiently.

“The girl with the fat bottom said so this morning” he barked spinning around his tongue lolling from his panting mouth.

“And exactly why do I care” cat asked shuffling into a more comfortable position where she lay.

“Oh because it’s my birthday of course” said dog.

“Yes I believe you said that already” said cat closing her eyes again.

“Oh cat please don’t nap” dog asked “it’s my birthday and birthdays are not for napping.”

“Let me ask you something dog” said cat he eyes still closed.

“Yes yes yes” dog panted. “Ask away ask away.”  He barked and sat quite still next to the chair where cat lay.

“What is a birthday?”

Dog cocked his head to one side, his eyes sparkling and his pink tongue hanging from his mouth.

“Well?” cat pressed.

“It’s…” Dog paused.  He barked and then exclaimed “It’s a birthday of course cat, my birthday!”

“But what is a birthday Dog” cat asked again, now sitting up so as to stare straight at him.  She did love him dearly but he was not the smartest of animals.

“Well…It’s …er…” Dog fell silent and looked rather sad.  “I don’t know” he said the grin gone from his face.  “It just sounded quite wonderful.  My very own birthday.”

“Oh silly dog” said cat making room for him on the farmer’s chair “jump up here and I will tell you all about birthdays and why today is indeed a special day.”

Ronovon’s Haiku Challenge: Spooky & Night

I do rather like a good haiku challenge. Gives me something to defile, because I do rather like a jolly good defiling.

2 words.  Haiku.  Simples.

 

Spooky chilling ghoul

at night hovers over me

god, put make up on

 

Spooky spectral fright

whispers in the dead of night

noise under my bed

 

Spooky tap…tap…tap…

light on cutting through the night

clown at the window

 

spooky child’s giggles

patter of feet in the night

baby died last year

 

RonovanWrites #Weekly #Haiku #Poetry Prompt #Challenge #173 Spooky&Night

 

R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.

 

Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure.  I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them.  So for the first time I’ll publish a few.  

 

There lived a young chap in Caracas

Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers

thought he’d best see the doc

who grabbed hold of his cock

and gave them a shake like maracas

 

A saucy fun temptress from China

spent her cash on a custom vagina

was so very good looking

but just no use for fucking

though she might just let you 69 her

 

A mechanic from North Carolina

had the hots for a big burly miner

left his family in shock

when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock

I just like it way more than vagina”

 

A vicar quite down on his luck

found a great way to make a quick buck

to the members he went

said “I need to pay rent,

for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”

 

A builder from Cork name of Shamus

had a monstrous and cavernous anus

in his bottom he placed

knives, forks, bowls cups and plates

now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous

 

Sorry.  Kinda.

My Haiku process

I find it hard to do serious haiku, they intimidate me and make me feel rather insecure. So I write these instead…

When I started with my haiku I found it hard to do the serious ones, the ones about nature and such.  The proper ones.  Instead I have always tried to write funny haiku about serious things.  My process is pretty simple, I write down a load of serious awful things just like the list below and then do my best to write something that might bring a smile to your face.  Life can be rather serious, and it really is good to laugh.

  • Getting aids
  • Catching your wife cheating
  • The death of a family member
  • Being diagnosed with cancer
  • Catching an STD

 

1982

caught aids from a toilet seat

that’s where it’s from right?

 

caught her red handed

He wants you to say his name?

say my lawyers name!

 

Granny passed away

to be fair she was quite old

inheritance, YES!

 

Grim outlook, cancer

live like there’s no tomorrow

cake for every meal

 

frightfully itchy

the colour just looks all wrong

why is it oozing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Twitter Challenge

Here’s the deal. 11 x 9 word tweets to compile a 99 word piece of flash fiction. Easy right?

Okay so there’s this fabulous flash fiction rodeo going on over at Carrot Ranch.  I have been putting in entries each week but you won’t have seen them because I can’t publish then until the judging is over.

The most recent challenge is great fun and is done through twitter.  So, if you have it you can follow it here.  The aim is to write a 99 word flash fiction piece in 11, 9 word tweets.

I don’t really do twitter other than to enjoy the odd perusal of The Donald and to tweet abuse to companies I feel wronged by should I receive terrible service.  It really has just passed me bye mostly.    I do send my Afterwards posts there but only seem to have gathered a following of 14 people

Anyway, let’s see how I do shall we.  See you in the twittersphere perhaps (I am told that’s a thing).

P.S.  Having posted them they look weird and my wife now thinks I have a date with a chap from the coffee shop as only read the first one.  Oddly she seemed okay with it.  #liberated.

 

Fatties in Space Part 3 – Definitely still not for kiddies

You’d have thought I’d have given up on this idea by now wouldn’t you. But no. No I haven’t.

Part 1 is here and part 2 is here.  You really need to read those first for this to make much sense.  Not that it makes much sense.

 

The big day came around, as our pair left the ground

and to space they did head quite excited

soon of gravity free they would quite happily

give into their lust now ignited

 

Not constrained by their girth or the pull of the earth

they were sure to express their desire

to the chamber they floated, rotund hot and bloated

loins smouldered then soon set on fire

 

Hungry mouths warm wet lips bulging crotch quite pert nips

they cavorted and drifted through space

arching backs roaming hands loves wet warmth swollen glands

In huge bosom he buries his face

 

Set free from their weight, she’s the food on his plate

he devours from angles quite kinky

with his mouth he then pleases his tongue he then teases

and lord look where he just stuck his pinky

 

Heaving flesh they’re entwined to their passion resigned

hungry mouths they consume head to feet

Right way upside down how they both go to town

Like that time at the all you can eat

 

Now the entree is done and its time for more fun

its the main, shes bent over and waiting

Massive buttocks quite round what a sight most profound

he approaches his mouth salivating

 

Hands on hips legs akimbo, head thrown back like a limbo

how he handles her bulk into place

with no effort he fills her the pleasure it thrills her

Just like ribs, puts a smile on her face

 

Then with coital alignment and subtle refinement

its doggy, jack hammer then twister

little dipper, wheel barrow, for her age she’s quite narrow

though the Zebra Lunge gave her a blister

 

As they peak in their lust one more move is a must

and he grabs her and spins her around

They explode with delight and embrace close and tight

For the pleasure and love they have found

 

She caresses his chins and quite sated she grins

satisfied for the first time in years

pudding eyes drink her in shes his goddess of sin

such pleasure it brings them to tears

 

Well I think that is enough really.  I will miss them,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 months later…

So, seems there are a number of milestones I have almost hit with my blog after some experimentation this month.

So, seems there are a number of milestones I have almost hit with my blog after some experimentation this month.  I upped my outputs, introducing a couple of daily themed limericks and haiku and then looked to do at least one fiction piece and one challenge piece each day also and it has certainly kept me busy and given me the chance to write some different pieces.

I fiddled around with timings to see how and when they would get the best coverage and when I had a look today it seems I’ve doubled or tripled the views, likes, visitors and comments from month 1 to month 3.

I don’t think I like it though.

All seemed rather planned and thought out and it became something of a burden so I won’t be doing that anymore.  I think I shall simply return to writing whenever I can and publishing it in the evening.  Nice and simple, no compulsion to have to produce anything for any when.

I think I might write a little less too.  Not that I don’t enjoy it I do – very much – but I think I need a bit more balance.  This last month I have churned out a stack of stuff on all manner of things as I have really been enjoying the writing but it has got in the way of life and that just won’t do.

Looking back at some of the stuff I have written I think perhaps I might try focus a little more on a few of the pieces I’ve started but never finished and to try and be a bit more disciplined when it comes to finishing things before I head off on another tangent.  I am certain I have quite a  few ‘Part 1’ pieces on the blog somewhere that deserve a little attention.

On the plus side, I’m rather chuffed that I have done nearly 200 pieces and had more than 2000 visitors. who have liked my work plenty.  Feels great to be able to connect with people who follow my stuff regularly and next week I am guest blogger for someone that’s been following me from early doors which I am looking forward to immensely.

I had always said to myself that I would give it a couple of months to see whether I could write a bit and whether I liked blogging and I think on the whole I do, so I think I will keep doing it.

I still have too many limericks about Donald Trump inside to stop now, and thanks for all of your support!

Michael

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your lunchtime limerick 01/10/17

Another day another limerick.

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

I seem to hate Trump, ghastly man

And I write of his deeds when i can

I should really relax

but he seems to hate blacks

and the poor and the sick and Islam

 

Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 30/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

Orange faced oaf of much note

looks to hide how he’s stolen your vote

picking fights, talking shite

big applause from the right

“Crooked Hilary lost” hear him gloat.

 

Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 29/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

A house wife from Bradford called Jess

Caught her hub one day wearing a dress

How it made her eyes pop

So he’s having the op

Now her Trevor’s becoming a Tess

 

Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 28/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

There once was a kid, quite forlorn

Found a stash of his fathers best porn

Now he’s happy and glad

but his father’s quite mad

Cos the pages are sticky and torn

 

Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

The great plan of the gods

Apparently, all terrible things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago my family and I were invited to dinner at a rather fabulous Indian Restaurant in Leeds by one of the chaps who works for me to say thanks for the support I gave him whilst he was fighting thyroid cancer.

During the course of the meal, I think just after the quite delicious lamb main course had arrived,  his friend remarked that Allah most certainly had a plan for him and whilst he had given him the cancer in the first place he had also taken it away.

How very kind I thought, and it struck me that this Allah fellow sounds a whole lot like Jesus’ dad don’t you think.  He’s often attributed with giving children leukaemia and such to prove that all things happen for a reason and then turning up with jazz hands and a big old “Taadaa” when things are all cleared up to take the credit for a job well done and to check in on what lesson you’ve learned whilst watching your child suffer excruciating pain.

“He sounds like a bit of a dick” I said to my wife afterwards.  She suggested I be a little more respectful of other people’s beliefs, and because of how rude I can be she would be taking back the kidney she given me a few years ago to teach me a lesson.

I am happy though to say that my friend is now fit and well, regardless of who fixed him up.  I do hope the doctors send some sort of thank you card to a god of one description or another because it really was quite good of whoever stepped in to take this potentially life ending disease back.

Perhaps though him and the other gods would be so kind as to stop giving people awful diseases, because the doctors would have considerably less to do and they could maybe get a little more golf in.

Oh, and she never gave me a kidney – but you knew that right 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of Geralt at Pixabay.

Your lunchtime limerick 27/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

There once was a chap from Japan

loved a lady but also a man

got the best of both worlds

when he found this Thai girl

called Petunia, but used to be Stan

 

Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me