Author: Michael

Husband, dad,(ex)programmer, comic collector and proud Yorkshireman. I have no idea why im here or why im writing but i rather enjoy it. no great fan of punctuation;

Carrot Ranch – TUFF

This was part of the carrot ranch challenge to write a series of tweets all 9 words each.  11 of them to make a 99 word flash fiction.  I managed to get the structure wrong as it was meant to be just 1 sentence but I enjoyed tweeting it anyway.

 So I did all 8 of the Carrot Ranch challenges and it culminated in this.  You had to:
Do a 5 minute free write
Turn that into a 99 word piece
Turn the 99 word piece into a 59 word piece
The 59 word piece then becomes a 9 word sentence
And then you build the whole thing back up to a 599 three act piece.
I don’t remember a lot about it as I wrote it kind of drunk on Holiday but I do remember the experience being pretty cool as it really got to the heart of what you wanted to write.  Such a pity the drinks were all free that day.
So here it is:

First do a 5 minutes free write

Wednesday woke up and knew everything.  Everything apart from what had happened the previous evening (including who the fellow in bed next to him was).  His mind raced and his heart pounded as every synapse in his brain fired as the mysteries of the universe unfolded.  He sat up in bed breathing heavily as he understood the origins of mankind, who had killed JFK and why it was that the American people had voted for Donald trump.

He looked down at the man sleeping next to him.  “Not bad” he thought to himself, “must have been one hell of an evening.”  It then occurred to him that he wasn’t gay.  Not as far as he could recall anyway.

He thought for a moment about getting up but decided to lie down again as he realised how to cure cancer.  “Well that was easy” he said to himself as he struggled to piece together the events of the previous evening.  He remembered a few drinks, but not being drunk.

 

Now turn this into a 99 word piece

The light streamed through the window as Wednesday stirred.  His head hurt.  A lot.  Opening his eyes he sensed someone else in the bed next to him and rolling over saw a familiar face, still asleep.

It was the Barista from the coffee shop on the corner.  He liked the way he made an americano but wasn’t sure he liked it enough to have invited him to his bed.   Besides, he wasn’t convinced that his wife would approve.

Sitting up he rubbed his eyes wondering where she was and then, quite simply, he realised he knew pretty much everything.

 

Now turn this into a 59 word piece

Wednesday sat up in bed gasping, his pulse racing and a thousand suns exploding in his head. Where was his wife and who was this stranger in his bed?

Rubbing his eyes countless images flashed before them, and every synapse in his brain pulsated with a complete knowledge of everything.

Somehow he knew it all, everything known and unknown.

 

Then into 9 words

Breaking News: Man wakes up and knows absolutely everything.

 

 

 

 

Now build it back into 3 acts of 599 words

Act 1

Wednesday awoke with a start and sat upright in bed.  Bright sunshine flooding into his bedroom causing him to cover his eyes as his heart racing and a headache like a thousand suns going  supernova thundered in his head.  Instinctively he reached out a hand but his wife wasn’t there, she hadn’t been since the accident.

“Jesus” he said to himself falling back into the bed covering his eyes, he knew hangovers but this was different.  What the hell had he drank last night?

He wrapped the pillow around his head as the pain in his head began to grow.  His body tensed as wave after wave of pain began to flood over him.  Muscles tensed and sinews stretched and he convulsed as every synapse in his brain fired simultaneously

Through the pain he could see her face smiling at him and he could hear the sweet tones of her voice telling him that it was okay, that it would be fine if he just let it happen, that she understood why he had done what he had done.

Through gritted teeth he grimaced and shouted out.

“I can’t Emily, I cant I’m sorry but it hurts too much.”

“Just close your eyes Wednesday” she urged, “It will all be okay.”

“Im sorry Emily”2 Wednesday mumbled as the pain peaked and he cried out as he was overwhelmed and sunk into a dreamless sleep..

 

Act 2

When Wednesday awoke a few hours later the pain was gone and he felt an intense serenity. He could still feel her presence but the guilt was gone.  Nothing mattered anymore, especially the things he had done that he revisited in the dark of night.

His heart still raced but his breathing was calmed, and as he lay watching the late afternoon sunlight dance across the walls of the room he understood everything. Something had happened to him, something he couldn’t explain, but he knew that he was changed.

In those moments of intensity something had been revealed, a gift of knowledge, and the understanding of the universe was his.  He held a hand before his face and in that moment saw every atom of his being and understood the origins of humanity.  He watched the sunlight stream through the window and the mysteries of the universe were revealed.

His head to one side, again succumbing to sleep, he heard her voice calling to him.

“It’s my gift to you Wednesday, for what you did.”

“I’m sorry Emily” he said remembering the first time they’d met.

“Don’t Wednesday” she said, “Just sleep my love.  ”Sleep.”

 

Act 3

As sleep release Wednesday from her grip he stirred and felt alone.  He switched on the television and  watched the futility of mankind in their self-destructive pursuits.

“I can fix this” he thought to himself as he flicked through the channels, ”I can fix it all.”

“Are you ready to make amends” she asked as darkness fell across the room.

“I am” Wednesday answered. “I didn’t mean for it to end like it did” he said as he threw back the duvet.

“And when it is over, then you must relinquish all you now know.”

”And what happens to me then?” He asked. ”How can things ever be the same after what you’ve shown me?”

“Then you return to your reality Wednesday, your life, your guilt and your repentance.”

Wednesday got out of bed and pulled on the previous evenings clothes.  They smelled of liquor and cigarettes and an unfamiliar perfume.

“I thought I might start by curing cancer” he suggested, buttoning his shirt.

R is for Rugby

Think of it as a physical version of American Football.

Oddly Rugby hasn’t really come up whilst I have been doing this blog given that it plays such a large role in my life, and always has.

Born in East Hull there is the inevitable link to Hull Kingston Rovers and I remember going to watch them from a very early age.   You grow up in Hull and you’re either a Red and White or a Black and White, there is no sitting on the fence, and I was a red and white.

There was something really magical about trips to the games with my Dad and there was such a thrill when I would take the match day programme and try and get player autographs.  It’s nearly 35 years ago now but the memories of drinking bovril in the cold remain and there is still a real sense of just how important it was to me all those years ago.

We moved to South Africa in 1981 and rugby is a bit like religion over there, just more important.  I loved playing growing up and despite those huge Afrikaaners forever battering us it was there that I grew to love Rugby Union.  I am a Northern Transvaal fan at heart still and was fortunate enough to live there in 1995 when the Springboks won the world cup.  Talk about fever pitch, the country went berserk and it was truly an amazing thing to witness.

Now I get that it is not everyone’s cup of tea, and the rules can be confusing and there are two types which doesn’t help but there is just something about the game that I love.  Whether its the physical nature of the contest I love or the skill, speed and power I do not know, but something in the game just appeals to me.  It doesn’t matter what level it is played at I can just watch it because of the sheer pleasure it brings me.

There is a real community, honest and camaraderie about rugby too and it is that side of things I enjoy more and more as I get older.  I spend a lot of time doing work for the local club and both my boys play so most weekends are taken up in one form or another with something rugby related.

Hmm.  You know this might be the most bland and sensible thing I have ever written.  You know, that must show just how serious I take it.  I think I will stop right there because I feel very grown up suddenly and I seem to be an awful bore when I’m serious about something.

 

 

 

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

 

For that special someone who your husband ran off with…

Heard you’re pregnant and feeling quite ill

happy days, eat for two what a thrill

Once you’re big as a horse

he’ll skip town, well of course

he’s a dick, should have stayed on the pill

 

Or on the same theme…

Heard the test came back, it’s gonorrhoea

and a pretty bad case, you poor dear

still I’m sure your new new life

with your whore of a wife

is quite great.  ***Sits back opens a beer***

 

Oooh this could so be a new thing.  Might do a range of greetings cards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

On the great king across the sea

oh how great thou art in thine own eyes

You know by now how this goes right…

 

A fellow quite fond of gold showers

lay spread eagled and pissed on for hours

cos he loves human waste

smell, feel colour and taste

says he thinks it give him super powers

 

Heavens that just flowed out of me like a hookers hot liquid leavings…

 

Watch him pander, right wing evangelics

and the baby boom males, cold war relics

Nazi’s, those at the top

KKK and the GOP

He’s way worse than a mad ISIS cleric

 

But small hands will do that to a man

who grabs pussy whenever he can

 

and is mates with Roy Moore

whole likes kids by the score

and sends muslims away by the score

 

 

 

 

Q is for Queen

Get your lighters out…

Well not quite Queen, I am thinking more Freddie Mercury. Why Freddy I hear you ask…well of course he is the lead man in my imaginary band of Dead musicians.

Think about it, that incredible ensemble of dead-too-soon genius’ reunited for one last hoorah. Everyone’s invited and you so better bring your dancing shoes because it could be a rather good night.

Now you may have your own opinion as to who is the best dead front man but I am sorry but it’s more than likely wrong if it isn’t Freddie Mercury. I am not even going to listen to any alternatives and will simply place me hands over me ears if you try and la-la-la-la-la-la. Forgotten how good he is? Maybe you have but I haven’t and I thnk perhaps just go youtube him because you’ll realise I’m right.

I know I probably should have done lead man last but I think he sets the tone and if we cannot agree on anything else then you know what, he can do an unplugged acoustic kinda thing and I’ll still get my lighter out and wave it in the air.

Now before I continue I will admit that I’m no expert when it comes to music bit I know what I like so this will mostly be about me because I’m a bit of a princess. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments though.

So. Drums. I went instinctively for John Bonham because he probably was the most insanely talented and influential drummer ever and if you don’t believe me go and watch his him on ‘Moby Dick’. Sweet baby Jesus he was seriously intense and after he launches into his solo you’ll know what I am on about. He was a real show stealer too and given he died so very young I am putting him in my line up.

Guitar? Ok so I am having two and they can fight it out. I am having Jimmy Hendrix and Prince. I could have had Prince as lead man and every instrument to be honest but this is more of a rock band and I am trusting Prince to get on board because bloody hell he could play a guitar. I think it was often overlooked because his persona was so huge, and having seen him live I will admit to having somewhat more than a semi after watching him play Purple Rain.

Hendrix doesn’t need a reason why. He’s just Hendrix.

Now there is no way you’re putting a line up together of dead musicians together without Phil Lynott bass guitar. I don’t care just how good he was or wasn’t…I need him in there because he is simply frigging awesome. Get listening to some Thin Lizzy and you’ll see what I mean. You know, he could be front man too, behind Freddie, Prince and Jimmy…

Now I have no idea whether they could gel because they were all so fabulous in their own rights but just imagine if they could. Such talent, on stage for one night only, and with the exception of Levon Helm all gone way too soon and such a loss.

Let’s see those lighters in the air one last time…

Are you kidding me?

This is a new level of madness…

I awoke this morning to read that Donald has tweeted that given that it is going to be cold on the east coast of America on New Years eve that is proof against the arguments of global warming.

Are you fucking kidding me.  Because he had Dinner last night does that mean there is no starvation out there across the planet.  What about Science?  Evidence?  This fool does not even know the difference between climate and weather.

I read once that a people get the government they deserve and I have to ask myself what the hell did you Americans do to deserve this?

You know, I don’t think I can even do a limerick on this right now.  Who’d have thought eh.

Fuck you Donald Trump and fuck anyone who supports you.   You’re all idiots.

P is for Prince

All hail his purple majesty!

 

I cried the day prince died, and for weeks after continued to feel real loss.  I haven’t always been a fan though, I can still remember a time when I didn’t care for his music but quite clearly I can recall the day when the penny dropped and I realised that here was something worth listening to.  It was the day I heard the haunting whistles of ‘Around the world in a day’.  From then on I was hooked.

Album after album provided the soundtrack to my growing up and as I have become older that love has passed down to my youngest son Tom who is a big fan. Clever kid that Tom.

I will admit that there have been times when I wasn’t the greatest of fans of what he was doing, but he was still doing things no one else was even thinking about and there were still gems to be found no matter which of his phases he was in.

The pinnacle for me though was when I got the chance to see him at the O2 arena when he was in London in 2007.  As I stood there watching him play purple rain live I realised that I could quite happily call it a day and shuffle off this mortal coil because this was as good as it gets and given that I had an heir to carry on the family name everything was going to be downhill from there.

Michael

X

 

O is for Originality

just do it!

Not an easy thing really is it.  I mean what hasn’t already been said or done?  What idea hasn’t been explored time and time again and how many blogs already do something very similar to the one you just created.

You know what, I haven’t been doing this for long so I am hardly in a position to give advice but Im going to.  Just keep going at it, as hard as you can because most people are really lazy buggers with no stamina at all and they will probably give up at some point.

You don’t have to be the first to do something or even the best, sometimes working hard and sticking to your guns and not being lazy will get you somewhere.  And if that doesn’t work then maybe you’re just not very good at it and need to try something else but at least you tried and that’s more than most people do because a lot of people are just pointless and the world wouldn’t miss them if they were gone.

But not you.  You’re special because you’re reading this and somewhere out there are people who want to hear your voice.

Michael

X

 

N is for nature

I’m no Richard Attenborough obviously. In fact I’n not even a David…

 

 

I’ve always had a bit of a love hate relationship with nature.  I grew up in Africa so there was very much an abundance of the stuff and we were forever outside.  Wherever you went there was flora or fauna of some description and always of the sort of stuff people wax lyrical about.  It was an incredibly beautiful place but it can become a bit much.

Pop to the shop and there was inevitably something ‘majestic’ of some description there in your face screaming “Look at me” and waving it’s arms frantically.   Each morning the sunrise would require a slack handful of fire related adjectives before it would leave you alone and sunset would quite rudely demand your attention whether you had things you needed to get done or not.  What’s wrong with a cold grey morning that lumbers along as you get up or it suddenly becoming dark without you noticing and accompanying fanfare.

It was though a wonderful place to grow up and whether the gorgeous expanses of the Highveld or the wild rugged coastlines it’s the sort of place most people would give an arm to grow up in and I’m really grateful that I did.  I’m less grateful however for the vast array of things that wanted to kill us.  Whether it be snakes, spiders, sharks, scorpions or any of the larger creatures there was such an array of deadly beasties that it really does tend to spoil things.

“Remember to check your boots for scorpions” was a piece of advice I received in the army that I will always remember.

As much as I loved it there I find England far more inviting and wholly less aggressive.  Not that it  isn’t completely without event though – occasionally we may have a bit of a slug problem and one day there was a badger that kept knocking over the bins which caused quite a stir.  Anyone familiar with Yorkshire or the lake district would probably also agree that we compare pretty favourably to some of the more grand vistas out there even if we are more on the side of ‘picture postcard’.

But we all like different things, I get that.

Michael

 

 

 

Dieting. 6.

really not my fault

Ok so it hasn’t been great over the Christmas period, I will start with that.  I would add though that it was nowhere near as bad as it could have been and I have most definitely not gorged anywhere near as I have done in previous years.

There was no starter at Christmas dinner, only one pudding (shock horror right) and there’s a quite magnificent stollen covered in cherries and almonds that has lasted nearly the entire Christmas week!

A real indicator of a victory, albeit a small one, was that I didn’t even have a selection box for breakfast when we were opening gifts.  That’s a bit of a tradition in our house you see.

Nonetheless it was something and over the last week we have all most definitely eaten a lot less.  There remain piles of all manner of things that will likely go unconsumed and I am going to take that and get back to trying even harder.

Once I’ve finished that trifle though because it’s so damned good…

Eeuuuwww

Found these down the side of the couch. Probably for good reason.

There once was a fellow from Leeds

Had some real dark and rather sick needs

Shouted “Bring me a goat

Two small kids and a boat

And a full yard of glass anal beads”

 

Each December we put up a tree

Decorate it with oh so much glee

Then we watch as it dies

As we gorge on mince pies

Christmas pudding, cold turkey and brie

 

A poor fellow addicted to crack

Pimped himself cos he couldn’t go back

To his family and wife

Though he missed his old life

He was also quite hooked on ball sack

Daily Prompt – Confess

In a not too distant future perhaps…

Gemma lay her head on James’ chest and he smiled.  Two months they’d been together now and James still couldn’t believe how lucky he was.  The world had changed a lot in the last decade and to find someone as amazing as her really was something special.

She pressed herself into him sighing and he placed a kiss on the top of her head.

“You’re amazing” he said and closed his eyes.  “There’s something I need to tell you though“he continued.

He felt her tense slightly.  “Okay” she said slowly.  She could hear his heart racing furiously in his chest.

“It’s about my dad” he said, “there’s a reason you’ve never met him.”

“Uh-huh” she said listening “you said he left in 2020, when the wall went up and the Emperor was crowned.”

James paused.

“It wasn’t just his politics” he continued, eyes still closed.

“What was it?” Gemma asked.  “It’s okay babe, you can trust me.”

James breathed deep.

“My dad was one quarter African American.  That makes me one sixteenth.”

Gemma said nothing and time seemed to stand still.

“Babe?” he said opening his eyes.

“Shit James” she said sitting upright.

“What?” he asked, face now ashen.  “What is it…”

She turned slowly to look at him, tears streaming down her face.

“I’m MAGA James.  I have to report this.”

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/confess/

Dark Christmas – Child

not even a photo album?

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

A child they say, to save the world

So noble great and true

But there are  things I often wonder

And here are but a few

 

He must have had grandparents

But they do not get a mention

No way would they not be involved

They do so love attention

 

And what of names when he was young

When he’d not done works or healed the blind

Was he always just called Jesus

Or perhaps nicknames not so kind?

 

Did the miracles start early

Did his parents ever gloat?

did he go through the terrible two’s?

and when they bathed him did he float?

 

What were his toys, did he read books?

Was he any good at sports?

Did he always wear a robe or was

He rather fond of shorts

 

Did he have a pet, was he kind to dogs

And at what age did he walk

Was he quite an advanced baby

And how early did he talk?

 

You’d think someone might remember

If he was such a big deal

Pity that there aren’t records

As much more they would reveal

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A bit OTT I admit

I think this would be fun read aloud all dramatic.

Oh Donald

Piss soaked and rancid monster

Eating the babies of the poor for breakfast

Fried, boiled or poached

Race doesn’t matter when it dribbles from your gaping rectum

 

You sit atop your mountain of ill gotten gains

Face contorted, scant comfort

Self proclaimed saviour of Christmas

Move over Jesus

the GOP have a new messiah

 

Cold shrivelled heart beats slowly

Small fingers reaching, searching

Stabbing at late night screens

Drifting into sleep

Dreaming of teens

 

Bring him your poor huddled masses

Tossed onto his raging fire

Warming himself

Cries music to his ears

Heartless Evangelicals applaud

 

A slow descent into madness calls

Paranoid, mind full of echoes

Until an end

Cold, feeding the worms

As feet dance merrily above

Excess indeed

My Sack overflows…

I’m posting a lot at the moment I realise.  Following a few days away I have a bulging Christmas sack that really needs to be emptied as I near the six month milestone of my blog, a point at which I said I would sit down and consider the experience and decide whether I continue, and if so what that will entail.

I have a load of stuff I am tidying up to get out and some challenges I set myself that I am determined to finish before the end of the year.  Well actually I have until the 3rd of 5th of January I think but the end of 2017 feels like a good date to aim for.

That means that you will see all manner of things dropping into your feed if you follow me, sorry about that I will do my best to spread them out as it’s rather rude to clutter things up I realise.

It doesn’t feel like the end just perhaps the end of the beginning.  But we shall see when I sit down properly to review things in a few days time.

Michael

x

Dark Christmas – Bells

Ding ding-aling ding ding ding

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

All through the night the warning bells

Ring out, he’s on his way

To find the children out of bed

And load them on his sleigh

 

To take them back to workshops dark

And toys and gifts to make

Beware if you don’t listen out

Your children will he take

And in their place the gifts he leaves

for your loss scant consolation

and so bad children disappear

Christmas night across the nation

 

He twists their minds their souls corrupt

As they slave at his command

So heed the warning bells this night

As he travels across the land

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay