Today, the NRA’s Wayne Lapierre hit back at critics who he feels are using the death of countless Americans to guns to deprive him of his second amendment rights to keep a huge stash of assault rifles in the boot of his car just in case things ‘kick off’ next time he goes to Walmart.
Speaking to a crowd of conservative Americans he opened with a short prayer where he asked Jesus to “bless this gathering of real Americans, not the ones that look like they need a good wash” and also beseeches his Lord and Saviour to pour out his mercies on the new AR15 model due out next year because it is “Seriously bad ass and will make America both safer and greater. So safe. So great”
Lapierre, a previously long standing advocate of “thoughts and prayers” in the fight against school massacres, took a standing ovation when he made an impassioned and compelling case for the use of guns to prevent the use of guns.
“Murder in schools?” he insisted, “let’s arm teachers. Murder at Disneyland? No problem, let’s hook up Mickey with some serious stopping power to stop those dirty lefties.”
In a rousing finale he held a baby in his left arm and in his right hand a bone handled desert eagle, and with an American flag lowered behind him and the star spangled banner playing he slowly licked the barrel and proclaimed “Tastes like freedom baby!”