satire – Afterwards

Worse things happen at sea

I’m just kidding. Honest.

There’s a saying that runs in our family, coming from fishing stock as I do, and it goes something along the lines of “Worse things happen at sea.” It’s pretty patronising and somewhat dismissive and gets trotted out most often when you bemoan a situation that the other person couldn’t give a monkey’s chuff about.

“Mom I’ve banged my knee…”

“Oh it’s just a scratch, worse things happen at sea son.”

with me?

Thing is there comes a point though when through indifference and old age I am finding it becoming my standard response to even more serious situations and it has me thinking that perhaps things really were quite terrible at sea and granddad was a quiet man not because of all the time he spent out on the water but because of all the awful things that must have befallen him.

Should my kids want sympathy then you know, I want to see a leg dangling limp with bone sticking through the skin because I am pretty sure something worse happened to granddad Tom at sea and it probably involved biting down hard on something and crying for his dead mother.

Should they be feeling a little blue then I find myself resisting a fatherly hug but instead insisting that it is considerably more taxing out on the waves and that they should pull themselves together, pack their bags and stop crying over being put up for adoption because it is just a waste of good tears and they should keep them for the orphanage because they’re going to need them.

I know it may seem harsh but I tell you, they just don’t make them like those salty sea dogs do they.

NRA says “guns best way to fight guns”

NRA calls for McDOnalds to lead national fight against obesity

Today, the NRA’s Wayne Lapierre hit back at critics who he feels are using the death of countless Americans to guns to deprive him of his second amendment rights to keep a huge stash of assault rifles in the boot of his car just in case things ‘kick off’ next time he goes to Walmart.

Speaking to a crowd of conservative Americans he opened with a short prayer where he asked Jesus to “bless this gathering of real Americans, not the ones that look like they need a good wash” and also beseeches his Lord and Saviour to pour out his mercies on the new AR15 model due out next year because it is “Seriously bad ass and will make America both safer and greater. So safe. So great”

Lapierre, a previously long standing advocate of “thoughts and prayers” in the fight against school massacres, took a standing ovation when he made an impassioned and compelling case for the use of guns to prevent the use of guns.

“Murder in schools?” he insisted, “let’s arm teachers. Murder at Disneyland? No problem, let’s hook up Mickey with some serious stopping power to stop those dirty lefties.”

In a rousing finale he held a baby in his left arm and in his right hand a bone handled desert eagle, and with an American flag lowered behind him and the star spangled banner playing he slowly licked the barrel and proclaimed “Tastes like freedom baby!”

Z is for Zombie

Is it weird to admit that I have something of a plan in mind should there be a zombie apocalypse?

I will admit that for a long time I have been of the mind that the world would certainly benefit from a zombie outbreak outbreak. Maybe it isn’t a full on extinction event but just something to focus people a little and perhaps thin the population. In the past we had wars that would do that but these days war has turned into an almost corporate event and just doesn’t do the job it once did. There was a time when you could also rely on pestilence but again, we seem to mostly have that under control at the moment and as a result (whether directly or not I am yet to decide) It now takes me at least 20 minutes to get to work. There are so many vehicles on the road these days driving in the wrong lane or just generally being annoying that I am pretty sure that with an even low level event that could well be cut to 15 with the resulting thinning of the population.

If there was to be an outbreak I feel pretty good about my chances, and whilst I am not one for squirrelling away supplies or constructing a bolthole in the garden, I do have a plan that I have been putting together over the years. I know where I would get supplies, and I am confident that I could secure the house and surrounding area to keep anything but the most determined brain hungry creature at bay. I have a destination out of town that I know for certain would be a pretty great place to ride out the apocalypse and should I for any reason not be able to get out of the street I know which of the neighbours I need to deal with and in what order to ensure that precious resources aren’t wasted.

And just to be clear, the bloke at number 6 who insists on parking badly…top of my list in case we run particularly low on food.

Anyway,there is more but I am not giving it away. Make your own plan!

Happy Monday