silly – Page 27 – Afterwards

Dingle Berries

Honestly, nothing to see at all.

I have done a lot of prompts and am almost never stumped but this one has me. It is one of M’s December ones found here. Now this is not because I cannot come up with something, I am quite sure I can but no matter what every time I sit down to write it feels like rather loud mouthed fellow sits on the desk in front of me kegs akimbo and starts to shout rather loudly that I’m crazy about dingle berries, and I am not. He is accusatory and mean and makes me feel rather bad about myself.

Now, I gave it some thought and I think that this tells me that I do in fact have a filter of sorts – something I am often accused of lacking.

I have researched the differing meanings of dingle berry – and there are a few – but the unpleasant one is the only one I can think of. So much so that I have revisited this post every day for four days now and no matter how I try my work always seems to involve things that are most unpleasant. More unpleasant than usual. There was one where there was a glass full of them and another where one fell into someones mouth when they were sleeping.

I think I will just move on to the next one prompt. Google it though if you’re not sure. It’ll make sense.

Sorry.

A get well soon limerick

A weekly Limerick to help you with those get well soon cards

Heard you had quite a tiff with your Zip

And the skin on your knob it did rip

And you screamed like a child

And your eyes they bulged wild

Left a rather deep gouge in the tip

photo courtesy of pixabay

Carrot Ranch Rodeo Challenge 5

In Challenge 5 of the Carrot Ranch Rodeo, writers were tasked with writing a complete 99-word story using Twitter.

In Challenge 5 of the Carrot Ranch Rodeo, writers were tasked with writing a complete 99-word story using Twitter. Of course, they couldn’t make it that simple. Every #Twitterflash story also had to be 11 sentences with exactly 9 words each. This was my effort which was singled out by one of the judges which I was dead chuffed about.

Is anyone else seeing what I’m seeing out there?

If this is how things end I’m getting drunk!

Apparently they come in peace, but my mate Jed’s disappeared!

How drunk am I because I think Im #insideaspaceship

I’ve managed to evade them, is anyone reading this?

Ive found Jed, watching him from an air vent.

Sweet Jesus, they seem to be probing him now!

How the dickens did they fit that in there!?!?.

I think the bloody things are laughing you know.

Oh bloody hell they’ve spotted me, PLEASE SEND HELP!

The visitors are our friends and come in peace.

C. Jai Ferry (@CJaiFerry) commented:

“#PickALineAnyLine! If I had seen any of these lines on Twitter, I would have immediately clicked to read more. Each line is a story in itself, and I had to read faster and faster to see how it all worked out.”

My Weekly Fetish Haiku

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead. I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Pale cold clammy flesh

Eyes closed, gaping mouth. Silent.

Slowly stiffening.

BIG FUN!

I think we all wish we were just a bit like him…

I saw that number plate on the way home today and it got me to thinking as to just what sort of person must they be that they are so confident in their fun factor they that he would demonstrate its apparent stellar quality in such a manner. To have BIG FUN as your number plate you must surely be special.

Now I am going to suppose it is a man as I doubt a woman would ever boast of her ability to have fun in such a way. Maybe it is just me and the way I was brought up but were it a woman driving such a car with that number plate I would imagine she was prone to sexual dalliances and enjoys a jolly good seeing to with anyone who was kind enough to buy her a whisky sour. I know that is awful of me, and you know what – I blame society and my parents. She might just actually be great fun and enjoy practical jokes and paintballing.

To be clear, those aren’t the opposite ends of some fun scale I have when assessing the funness of a woman.

So I am sat there in traffic imagining him and I did feel somewhat intimidated. I like to think I am good fun when I am out, especially after a couple of whisky sours but he is probably the sort that makes me feel inferior and withdraw somewhat.

It was a bit like that time I saw a chap at the swimming baths with the largest penis I have ever seen. He had a carer with him as he had some rather apparent learning difficulties but what he lacked in one regard nature had certainly compensated him for in the underpants department. He strutted around the open change room like a Grecian god swinging care free and repeatedly bashing into the lockers. He was having a fabulous time of it, blissfully happy and beaming from ear to ear and it left me feeling wholly inadequate.

But back to our fun time Freddie. What must he be like I wondered? Great hair for one – fun people are prone to fabulous hair I find, probably quite a thick head of it or maybe even a rather lovely curly to it. It goes without saying that he is probably a fabulous dresser too. He was driving a Mercedes so I am putting him in to the funny, charming and the life of the party type of fun rather than the whacky, silly voice office buffoon type of fun.

I bet you a fiver he had a really nice watch too. And that he was a great lover, and kind to animals and would probably clear your drive of snow and salt it from that store of salt he keeps just in case. In fact I bet he did all the neighbours drives. Before they got up.

And oh what fun he is. No party is the same without him, he lights up a room with his very presense and when it comes to charitable giving he…

Ok I think I have perhaps gone too far. I just accidentally wrote more than five hundred words about a man I have never met and my wife will probably read this …

Love you wife x

Christmas job satisfaction ain’t what it used to be…

It’s beginning to feel a lot like go screw yourself!

A fat bellied fellow who is often quite mellow

‘till it comes to the end of the year

Hits December quite stressed and things all seem a mess

And he’d kill for a steak and a beer

But alas he must graft and the toys he must craft

As the list don’t diminish in size

Thick and fast they demand on his doorstep they land

Letters bulging with needs long and wide

And he says to his wife “Baby this ain’t no life”

“Lets just quit and go live somewhere warm”

She replies “Oh my dear, we are bound up I fear

With the contact to which you are sworn”

He protests and he pouts and he stomps and he shouts

Insists “Amazon can do it just fine,

Or the Chinese perhaps, theyre industrious chaps

And their margins are better than mine”

“Oh dear Nick you sweet man you just do what you can

More than that you can surely not do”

And she gives him a hug and she makes him a mug

Of hot chocolate and a biscuit or two

Then he stomps back to work mumbling “god what a jerk”

As a letter he reads, just received

Me me me it insists as he reads through the list

Its so long its quite hard to believe

“No no no” Nick protests “I think it would be best

To go see this young chap straight away”

But his wife calms him down , “Babe just put on your gown

Head up stairs I’ll be there straight away”

As they climb into bed she caresses his head

Says “Now Nick you just need to remember

They’re just children with needs, ok some with pure greed

But you know what it’s like each December

It’ll be over soon and fore long will be June

And well take a few weeks, go away

Maybe go see some sights and we’ll spend a few nights

Somewhere nice you can pick where we stay”

And he grumbles and sighs and then smiles and his eyes

have that twinkle she knows what comes next

“You’re a star, and you’re right” then he turns out the light

Cos its time for some hot Christmas sex

Sorry about the ending, I’m tired and need to get to sleep 😊

My final Fetish Haiku – Somnophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Somnophilia

And I think most likely the last of these. Too much of a good thing and all that business right.

Eyes closed breath gently

Hes watching through your window

Seems a bit rapey

Apparently some find it quite trouser stiffening to enjoy watching others sleep or when theyre unconscious. It feels really ominous to me and I dont really envisage someone lying awake watching the love of their life sleeping peacefully. I’m thinking more someone outside your bedroom window in the bushes masturbating furiously whilst you and your significant other sleep and then emptying themselves all over your hydrangas and ruining your well kept borders.

I think I said too much…

I hope he gets prison aids.

I feel like I should be throwing rocks at something but all I muster is a bloody limerick

Wicked Donald presides from his perch

Leaves his country alas in the lurch

Muslims, gays, blacks will feel

Twitter wrath, don’t you kneel

But its fine if you gun down a church

Should you like young kids like his pal Ron

Fill your boots cos he says that’s not wrong

and hell grab your wife’s V

cos he likes it you see

and he’ll have Ivanka’s before long

Then his wall he will build and what’s more

Taking health care away from the poor

The right wing he’ll embrace

And he sees no disgrace

giving tax breaks to friends all the more

So fake news will not slow his progress

As America sinks but I guess

the whole world cannot cry

cos we idly stand by

But that’s life, well done us, what a mess

Fetish Haiku – Gerontophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Droopy, saggy, pale

Pendulous appendages

Moist wrinkly crevice

Ooh god that’s quite bloody awful. Turns out some folk go mad for old folk. Older the better. Like way older than your mum or your gran probably. Think about it.

Did you? Yeah? You can never unsee that now!

Anyway, sweet dreams x

F is for Fat

Oh F, such possibilities I see in you.

So I have written about being fat a few times, and whilst I fully intended to do so again I think I shall not and instead ponder a few other F’s – of which there are many.

I could write of friends or Facebook of fanatics or fighting. I could perhaps turn my attentions to females or feuds or concern myself mostly with fantastical tales or the pursuit of faith but I shall do none of those things.

Neither will I give much thought to frogs or furniture, of which I have previously written, and I shall most certainly not write of finances or fiscal matters of any description.

No, I shall merely allow myself the luxury of consider all of the things I could do and choose to do none because it is bed time, and I have spent over ten hours in meetings today and am well and truly fucked.

Tomorrow, G is for Granville.

Late Night Limerick – Get well soon and hope the Gonorrhoea clears up

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we. There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Oh poor lamb heard you’ve got gonorrhoea

And the symptoms they seem quite severe

Now it burns when you piss

You’d not bargained on this

When you paid for that hooker, oh dear

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

Sprained Wrist *wink wink*

Hurt your wrist now you’Re feeling forlorn

Is it twisted or ligaments torn?

Now you know that we all

think its not from a fall

But from wanking all night watching porn

photo courtesy of pixabay

Donny and Roy love the ladies

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

This occurred to me earlier and made me chuckle.

Theres your POTUS, loves grabbing vagina

now insists Roys a good man, none finer

seems he’s rather quite keen

of young girls of fourteen

doesn’t matter to him, loves a minor

Late Night Limerick – So you’ve got syphilis

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

So you’ve got syphilis

This is as far as I got. Just the title. I started researching it right and oh my bloody hell it’s frigging awful. I can happily write a stupid poem about it with little knowledge but I confess to never having really understood fully just what it entails.

I tell you it is quite awful. It effects you for like forever and some of the things that happen to you are quite chilling. Let’s just say that you could indeed look back at the day your dick nearly fell of and think “Aah, good times.”

Bloody hell, I’m stopping writing now and having a rum and going to bed. Maybe 3 rums actually.

photo courtesy of pixabay

Temporary Turmoil – Room 101

By the light of the silvery moooooooon

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Darrell tossed and turned, his sleep filled with the sounds of ripping flesh and snapping bone. Heart racing and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth he called out but his cries were strangled by the thick darkness that surrounded him.

Fighting the frantic fear that consumed his mind, his blood coursed through his veins and burned like rivers of fire as he raised a hand to his face to see only claws and fur and blood.

“Nooo” he screamed sitting up in bed, his breathing heavy, sheets wet with sweat and a full moon streaming through the bedroom window.

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

Heard you ate something dodgy oh dear

and your stomach is feeling quite queer

Stay hydrated then rest

you’ll be back to your best

it’s not pleasant at all diahorrea

photo courtesy of pixabay

Jumbled Words – Room 101

Sorry just seems to be the hardest word…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Jonah stood at the door, knocked and waited. He knew it was the right thing to do, he needed to do it to make the voices to stop.

“Yes” said a dark haired man opening the door.

“I I wa-wa-wa-want t-t-to te-te-tell you …”

“Jesus mate, get it out already” the man snapped

The voices screamed in his head.

“I-I-It’s a-b-b-bout your w-w-w-wife.”

The man paused. “My wife was murdered” he said “what do you want?”

Jonah blinked.

“My god come on you f-f- freak” the man mocked.

“Screw it “ Jonah said pulling out a knife “You deserve each other…”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You really should know better. You know who you are.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.

Young and single and sexually free

Unprotected you play cos you see

You were really quite thick

now you’re grabbing youre dick

STD feel’s like fire when you pee

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

A variation on yesterday’s theme for you …

Heard you had something dodgy to eat

Now your stomach’s not feeling so sweet

You just threw up your lunch

And your arse packs a punch

Get to toilet and please please don’t tweet

photo courtesy of pixabay

Crunchy munchies – Room 101

You know that feeling when you just gotta have something to eat…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Granville sat back, chemical pleasure coursing through his veins.

“Food” he thought grabbing a large bag of crisps pushing handfuls of day glow orange goodness into his mouth.

“Oh so good” he said as his mind did a triple somersault and the television turned into a Shetland pony. “Soooo good”.

Handful after handful he shovelled into his cavernous mouth until they were all gone, his fingers thick with their dust.

“Eat them” shouted the Shetland mounting a mermaid that had 5 minutes earlier been a coat rack.

“Then join us” she said winking.

Granville grinned, opened his mouth and bit down…

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You know this is what you really want to say

Saw on facebook you’re not feeling good

Please indulge me this thought if you would

Get you’re arse off to bed

If you’re feeling so dead

‘stead of posting dumb updates, I would!

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Not sure what to put in a get well soon card? I’ll sort you out worry not.

Oh poor thing I’ve just heard you’re quite ill

With a sneeze and a cough and a chill

I think stay tucked in bed

Chicken soup and some bread

if not better then perhaps take a pill.

See. Not weird or anything. Admittedly the first version ended with “and watch porn all day long, what a thrill.” But no, that’s not unnecessary.

photo courtesy of pixabay

Fractured Figures – Room 101

A destructive tale of attraction

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Penny watched from the shadows at the people walking by, all so oblivious to the dark creatures clinging desperately to them.

Helpless she followed a creature of jealousy and anger draw its host slowly towards a pretty red haired girl, surrounded by a pall of self doubt and fear.

There was nothing she could do, and she already knew how it would end – badly.

He smiled, offering his number. “I’m Dan” he said.

She blushed and took it, “Im Emma.”

The creatures grinned and hissed in delight. Grandma said it was a gift, but to her it was a curse.

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Teardrops and teacups – Room 101

Cross my palm with silver…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Darren sniggered behind his hands as Madame Zabor peered intently into the cup.

“I see death” she warned, a crooked finger stabbed towards him. “Heed my warning” she continued “the fates have spoken.”

He sniggered before bursting into howls of laughter.

“I’m sorry” he said, quite obviously not, “this is ridiculous.”

“Change your ways” she warned as he continued mocking.

“Come on” he said, “what you gonna do, turn me into a toad?”

Darren doubled up laughing and started to speak but his words were cut short as her hands clamped tightly around his throat.

“Fate has spoken boy” she grinned.

Photo courtesy of pixabay cco

A Late Night Limerick

And just like that we have a wholly inappropriate limerick about sailors.

I have wanted to use the phrase ‘gobbling on cocks’ for ages. I think the picture makes it.

An alpha male type, macho guy

One day realised he may well be bi

Now he’s down on the dock’s

And he’s gobbling on cocks

Sailor three ways and all sorts he’ll try

photo courtesy of pixabay