Afterwards

Fetish Haiku – Gerontophilia

You can never unthink what you may think if you read this

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Droopy, saggy, pale

Pendulous appendages

Moist wrinkly crevice

Ooh god that’s quite bloody awful. Turns out some folk go mad for old folk. Older the better. Like way older than your mum or your gran probably. Think about it.

Did you? Yeah? You can never unsee that now!

Anyway, sweet dreams x

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card? Perhaps feeling a touch on the gassy side?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we. There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

I heard you’re quite bloated today

And you stomach’s all growly you say

Just give in, let it out

Unleash hell have no doubt

You’ll feel better quite soon, fart away

Ha that picture with this poem made me chuckle. There must be a fetish haiku in it surely…

photo courtesy of pixabay

F is for Fat

Oh F, such possibilities I see in you.

So I have written about being fat a few times, and whilst I fully intended to do so again I think I shall not and instead ponder a few other F’s – of which there are many.

I could write of friends or Facebook of fanatics or fighting. I could perhaps turn my attentions to females or feuds or concern myself mostly with fantastical tales or the pursuit of faith but I shall do none of those things.

Neither will I give much thought to frogs or furniture, of which I have previously written, and I shall most certainly not write of finances or fiscal matters of any description.

No, I shall merely allow myself the luxury of consider all of the things I could do and choose to do none because it is bed time, and I have spent over ten hours in meetings today and am well and truly fucked.

Tomorrow, G is for Granville.

Fetish Haiku – Oculolictus

I think you have something in your eye

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Blue eyes like deep pools

Pink tongue caressing gently

Warm salty tears

Oculolictus, also known as worming is all about getting off by licking your partners eyeball. It’s funny you know but when I was in the army a lifetime ago I recall being told that the best way to get dirt out of someone’s eye was by using your mouth. Oh shit…

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

You got whiplash? Oh dear that’s a shame

Though I hope that you know who’s to blame

Cos you’re sure to cash in

And you’ll most likely win

When you call up and submit your claim

photo courtesy of pixabay

Tortoise and Monkey

Inspired by a true story a good friend once told me…

The mid-day sun beat down as tortoise wandered slowly across the Savannah. Approaching the old marula tree he noticed monkey, his fist lodged firmly inside a small crevice in the trees side.

“Good morning monkey “ he said, the trees canopy providing delicious pools of protective shade from the fierce sun. “Is everything okay?”.

“I seem to be stuck” monkey replied straining to free himself. Bees buzzed around him and he swatted at them with his free hand. “I wanted honey, I found honey, and now I cannot free myself.”

“Oh dear, oh dear” said tortoise pondering the predicament. “That is for certain no good thing.”

“Yes, yes” said monkey excitedly “no good at all, at all.”

Monkey tugged and pulled, teeth bared and his feet braced against the tree, but his hand remained firmly inside.

“Whatever will you do?” tortoise asked, “have you tried calling for help?”

Monkey nodded “Oh yes I have tortoise but the others were unable to free me.”

“And where are they now?” Tortoise asked looking about. There were most certainly no other monkeys that he could see. He looked up into the tree, thinking that surely that is where a tortoise would find monkeys but again there were none.

“They have left me, left me alone” Monkey said stills training in an attempt to free himself. “They said that Lion was about and ran off.” He looked down at tortoise. “I will not share my delicious honey with them now no way no chance.“

Tortoise stopped and looked about slowly. They were not particularly clever beasts in his opinion, and in his many years on the savannah he had always found them to be quite foolish too.

“Are you holding the honey now?” he asked.

Monkey paused. “Yes” he answered suspiciously. He was uncertain whether monkeys ate honey.

“And have you considered releasing the honey” Tortoise asked, “that would allow you to remove your hand surely.”

Monkey looked at tortoise quizzically. “But then I would have no honey” he said quite perplexed.

Tortoise was about to answer when he heard the distinctive roar of lion now not far away.

“You need to let go Monkey” he said retracting into the safety of his shell “lion is on her way.”

“But then I shall have no honey” monkey shouted back defiantly, “and I do so love honey…”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Late Night Limerick – Get well soon and hope the Gonorrhoea clears up

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

Oh poor lamb heard you’ve got gonorrhoea

And the symptoms they seem quite severe

Now it burns when you piss

You’d not bargained on this

When you paid for that hooker, oh dear

photo courtesy of pixabay

Fetish Haiku – Melissaphilia

I should tell the joke about the woman who asks her lover why is your organ so small. He replies “I didn’t know I was playing in a cathedral.”

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Oh to feel your sting

Delicious striped temptation

Drink of my nectar

Melissaphilia is by all accounts the sexual attraction to Bees and Wasps. I…well it’s…actually no I have nothing. Not a sausage.

Room 101

So, 30 prompts, 30 days, whatever 30 times 101 words amounts to…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Okay this was scheduled but I want to be done with the challenge, so I am pressing publish right now!

Now, as challenges go that was quite something . I set myself the goal of using every single November daily writing prompt from Michelle’s page and to do a 101 words on each, all on something a bit weird or odd.

As a writing experience I tackled it by writing all the prompts on a page in word and then under each I bashed out the basic outline for the story and the twist. The prompts really fired my imagination and I did the whole lot in one go and it took me about an hour or so. A few changed as I progressed but for the most part what you see on my blog is what I planned on day one.

Now I only started the challenge on the tenth of November, so I thought I would do one a day and catch up the others along the way but as it turned out I wrote the first 8 in one day (as I had a day off work) and within 7 days I had written all 30. Once I started I seemed to not be able to stop and it felt great ticking them off and completing that idea.

I’m not quite sure where I found the time but the planning helped in that I was working on them in my head before I started writing. A few took some heavy editing in terms of word count early on but by the 30^th post I could mostly write it and come in at about 100 words without trying.

What I like is that I think I could probably do something more substantial with each one so am really happy with it as a process, even if some of them are a bit crap.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed them and thanks again M for the prompts, they were fab! If you don’t follow Michelle you should. Do it.

Michael

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Bedknobs and Broomsticks – Room 101

Saving the worst for last.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Okay. This is the last Room 101 and the most stupid and rubbish. It is an unedited version that I bashed out and when I read it I had not a clue what the hell was going on. Broomsticks made me think witches, bedknobs made me think bed knobs and that got me to dildo’s and suddenly we have this abomination. It made me laugh though so stupid is it and I thought I would leave it as it is as a reminder to myself that its okay to have a really crappy first draft and sometimes ideas just don’t work.

The swirling contents of the large Iron pot hissed and fizzed as Hilda tossed in a handful of wolfsbane. “Agnes, fetch the stranglewort from my bag” She asked leaning over the pot.

“This is brewing up very nicely indeed” she said to herself cackling.

“This?” Agnes said holding up a small silver bottle she’d taken from a large cloth bag.

“No no girl” Hilda snapped.

“How about this?” she said presenting a posy of white flowers.

“No, STRANGLEWORT” Hilda said angrily.”

Agnes rummaged around.

“This?” she said holding up large wooden dildo.

Hilda blushed.

“Let’s just leave it out shall we…”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

The art of boredom – Room 101

Ever feel like this is all just one big joke?

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“Boss, that’s a terrible idea” Caleb said shaking his head.

AJ smiled, his brown eyes twinkling. “I’m telling you they’re stupid enough to fall for it.”

“You think?”

“Oh absolutely, remember Hitler?. You underestimate their self-destructive nature.”

“But why? Seriously?”

AJ huffed. “I’m bored. Bored of this planet, bored of these people. I really do need a new assignment.” He paused, sensing Caleb was almost persuaded. “Plus it could be hilarious, especially when it comes out what he did to his daughter.”

“Fine” said Caleb resigned. “But don’t blame me when head office find out.”

AJ grinned. “Good call, good call”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

Sprained Wrist *wink wink*

Hurt your wrist now you’Re feeling forlorn

Is it twisted or ligaments torn?

Now you know that we all

think its not from a fall

But from wanking all night watching porn

photo courtesy of pixabay

Fetish Haiku – Chasmophilia

I should tell the joke about the woman who asks her lover why is your organ so small. He replies “I didn’t know I was playing in a cathedral.”

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Wide gaping empty

Beckons needing to be filled

Let me fill your holes

Eeuw that is actually kinda really dirty. Sorry.

Chasmophilia, and I kid you not, is an attraction or arousal to or brought on by chasms, gorges, gulleys, valleys, caves and other geological forms of emptiness. I’m guessing it’s all about filling those gaping holes…Hot!

Ceiling wax – Room 101

Sam closed his eyes and pulled the blankets over his head to block out the scuttling of the creature across the ceiling…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Sam closed his eyes and pulled the blankets over his head to block out the scuttling of the creature across the ceiling. He knew it was there, he could see the trail it left. Every night it appeared, crawling and scratching and watching him as he slept.

He would wake his mother screaming but she simply could not see it.

“There’s nothing there” she’d insist before kissing him on the forehead and tucking him in tightly.

“It’s just a dream Samuel” she would say as she closed the door.

The creature scuttled into the dark recess of the corner and waited…

Photo courtesy of pixabay

E is for Ectoplasm

Her name is Rio and she apparently dances on the sand

If you’re of a certain age and have had a proper upbringing you will know that E is for ectoplasm. You will also know that ectoplasm is from Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters is one of the greatest films ever made.

That should be the end of the post really.

These alphabet things seem to be turning into streams of consciousness for me and oddly they seem to lead me back to the eighties in some ways, a time which I will admit to having problems remembering. It’s all a bit hazy and feels a lifetime ago but as I write and ponder on things they start to come back to me slowly.

Perhaps it is because there is little in my life which leads me back to that time. I grew up in Africa and have little or no contact with people from back them so seldom have cause to think about it.

So ectoplasm got me to thinking of Ghostbusters which led me to remembering that I first watched it at a drive in theatre in a place called Evander in South Africa. A few of us had hitch hiked there with our sleeping bags and Granville’s dad picked us afterwards and as clear as day I can now remember him asking his son if he had slipped a certain young lady the tongue.

He hadn’t, that I remember too. Not for lack of trying I am sure.

Anyway, this turned out different to what I was intending to write but I will go with it, why not.

Tomorrow, F is for Fat

Never-ending sugar cubes – Room 101

Sugar? Or are you already sweet enough?

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Splosh plink went the sugar cube as Damien dropped it into his tea. He reached back into the bowl and with the silver tongs took two more.

“Lady Grey” he said taking a sip, “It’s rather good you know, a classic black tea with the fragrant flavour of orange, bergamot and lemon.”

His guest did not reply.

“Yes, really helps to get the fatty taste out of one’s mouth when the flesh begins to sour” he said stirring slowly.

Again there was no reply.

He was going to need a new guest for dinner, this one was decidedly on the turn.

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Donny and Roy love the ladies

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

This occurred to me earlier and made me chuckle.

Theres your POTUS, loves grabbing vagina

now insists Roys a good man, none finer

seems he’s rather quite keen

of young girls of fourteen

doesn’t matter to him, loves a minor

Late Night Limerick – So you’ve got syphilis

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

So you’ve got syphilis

This is as far as I got. Just the title. I started researching it right and oh my bloody hell it’s frigging awful. I can happily write a stupid poem about it with little knowledge but I confess to never having really understood fully just what it entails.

I tell you it is quite awful. It effects you for like forever and some of the things that happen to you are quite chilling. Let’s just say that you could indeed look back at the day your dick nearly fell of and think “Aah, good times.”

Bloody hell, I’m stopping writing now and having a rum and going to bed. Maybe 3 rums actually.

photo courtesy of pixabay

Fetish Haiku – Xylophilia

Got wood?

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Xylophilia

Oh sultry two by four

Hard length between my fingers

Knotty pine temptress

Xylophilia is an attraction to wood. Not man-wood, I’m talking Beech, Birch, Oak and such. Whatever makes u happy I reckon…

Old Words

Ma-lach stirred to the sound of waves slapping against the sides of his small wooden boat.

A piece I did for the Carrot Ranch Rodeo #3. As I recall it needed to have a septolet in there and be on the subject of magic or some such and be 299 words . It was rather a long time ago I can’t quite remember.

Ma-lach stirred to the sound of waves slapping against the sides of his small wooden boat. Head spinning he peered over the edge to see large swells on all sides as the strong current dragged him away from the disappearing silhouette of land in the distance. White horses reared atop the cold grey waves and the sound and smell of the sea filled his senses.

He winced as he fingered a large wound on the side of his head, and as his boat was tossed on the heaving waters he grappled with vague images and half thoughts trying to remember how he had come to be here. Dark shadows clouded his mind but somewhere in the confusion and pain there was the memory of an attack on their settlement and the screams of his children.

Hours passed as he drifted in and out of consciousness, the skies darkening and the wind driving the seas into a violent frenzy. As lightning fizzed across the skies, thunder rumbling, he awoke once more as rain began to fall.

Instinctively he reached for the amulet around his neck and with rain running down his face he remembered the face of his grandfather, now long returned to the earth, and he recalled the words the old man had taught him as a boy.

Eyes closed face to the skies he instinctively called out:

Silver seas

Cold blue Ice

Rain and river

We are

Of you

always

Yield

The waves roared and then, almost instantly, the wind ceased, the storm was calmed and the frenzied crash of the sea was replaced by the sound of rain falling onto the calmed waters. He collapsed back into the boat as eddies swirled around the stern and it slowly began to drift against the current back towards shore.

Temporary Turmoil – Room 101

By the light of the silvery moooooooon

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Darrell tossed and turned, his sleep filled with the sounds of ripping flesh and snapping bone. Heart racing and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth he called out but his cries were strangled by the thick darkness that surrounded him.

Fighting the frantic fear that consumed his mind, his blood coursed through his veins and burned like rivers of fire as he raised a hand to his face to see only claws and fur and blood.

“Nooo” he screamed sitting up in bed, his breathing heavy, sheets wet with sweat and a full moon streaming through the bedroom window.

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

Heard you ate something dodgy oh dear

and your stomach is feeling quite queer

Stay hydrated then rest

you’ll be back to your best

it’s not pleasant at all diahorrea

photo courtesy of pixabay

Fetish Haiku – Metrophilia

This is apparently a thing too.

Read here if you’re wondering “why the bloody hell is he writing fetish haiku?”

Now, if you’re my wife then I am sorry wife, it was only meant as a bit of fun. If you’re my parents – you probably have yourself to blame to some degree.

Metrophilia

Oh write me an ode

sweet verse to make me explode

Hot loins to unload

Poetry. Not apparently just dirty stuff but just poetry. Oh this is all frightfully confusing. I know haiku shouldn’t rhyme but I thought I would because of reasons.

D is for Duran Duran

Her name is Rio and she apparently dances on the sand

I’ll be buggered if I know why I wrote ’D is for Duran Duran’ yesterday, but I did. Well not literally, I think that would be pretty harsh by way of action to be taken if I do at some point happen to remember.

I must have some subconscious Duran Duran issues to be worked through.

I do recall going to a disco in someone’s garage in Secunda in South Africa when I was about 13 and all they played was ‘Reflex’ by DD and Locomotion by OMD. Like just those two songs all night long. I recall I was terrified at the thought of dancing so remained mostly outside and a couple of the lads tried to put of aspirin in a coke can and get the girls to drink it because they believe it would make them super horny.

Looking back that is suddenly quite sinister and rather rapey isn’t it. No wonder we are having all these issues at the moment with sex pests and deviant artistic types.

Needless to say it didn’t work but my mate Granville did get to snog Sian Williams as I recall. They were both particularly tall and rather well suited to one another on that basis alone.

I also recall the first time I saw the ‘Wild Boys’ video. Oh god did you see it? Where you there? It was a freaking event the likes of which you just don’t see these days. One of the lads turned up with it on a VHS cassette and we shared it around just in awe. We all wanted to be Simon Le Bonne. Apart from one of the lads wanted to be Nick Rhodes. In later years we discovered why. You have to remember this was South Africa in the eighties. A whole other world, but I will probably write about that when I get to ‘S for Secunda’.

Thinking back, I can also remember the first time I went to a cinema over there. It was 1987 and we had to travel an hour and a half on a school to Pretoria to watch Living Daylights. I recall an argument and insisting, quite incorrectly, that the there tune was done by Duran Duran when in fact it was A-HA.

I also remember that was the first time I ever went to a Pizza Hut. Funny the things you recall.

Tomorrow, E is for Ectoplasm

Jumbled Words – Room 101

Sorry just seems to be the hardest word…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Jonah stood at the door, knocked and waited. He knew it was the right thing to do, he needed to do it to make the voices to stop.

“Yes” said a dark haired man opening the door.

“I I wa-wa-wa-want t-t-to te-te-tell you …”

“Jesus mate, get it out already” the man snapped

The voices screamed in his head.

“I-I-It’s a-b-b-bout your w-w-w-wife.”

The man paused. “My wife was murdered” he said “what do you want?”

Jonah blinked.

“My god come on you f-f- freak” the man mocked.

“Screw it “ Jonah said pulling out a knife “You deserve each other…”

Photo courtesy of pixabay