My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Click.  Weather channel

soaring temperatures forecast

sploosh.  Need new trousers.

 

Actirasty
Yup, turns out some people get all splooshy and feel aroused by the sun’s rays.  Living in England I guess there is very little chance of me exploding all over my good work trousers because of a prolonged period of pleasant weather.  I don’t really know how this one works to be honest.  Is sun burn the holy grail of acrirastists?  Is sun screen a major turnoff?

Maybe this is made up.  But then it can’t be as it’s on the internet and the internet doesn’t lie.

Limericks. Again.

No apologies, they make me happy.

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.  

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


 

A financier born in Sri Lanka

Who wrote poems, quite odd for a banker

he would take such delight

in his form oh so tight

how he revelled in Haiku and Tanka

 

There once lived a farmer called Phil

bought a bride on the web from Brazil

when she landed such shock

massive balls and a cock

it worked out though, shes hung, what a thrill

 

There once was a Vicar from Cannes

who when drunk went to bed with a man

Hes now happy it seems

with the man of his dreams

left the church, toured the world in a van

 

Okay lousy last line there but I wanted them to have a happy ending.  

 

 

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

People I enjoy – Dronstablog

Each week I am going to reblog someone that I enjoy reading.   This week it is Dronstad.  Here’s a man so ridiculously passionate about writings  and the worlds he creates and who produces so much stuff (and not in his native language I might add which is an achievement in itself).

You really can tell when people love writing sometimes and he is one of those people who just loves doing what he does.  So if you like sci fi kinda stuff and near future worlds then take a look.

Find out more about him here

 

W is for water

Seems you have a drinking problem

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.  Thirsty gulps.

Sometimes when I am writing to prompts, I will go to pixabay and search their picture archives and see whether anything crops up that sparks something or inspires me in a particular direction.  I do that on the matter of ‘Thirsty Gulps’ and found the picture featured in the header of this post.

I also found this one.

man-937384_1920

Are you seeing a theme yet?  No then how about if I add in this one?

journey-1685966_1920.jpg

Right, obvious now.

Turns out people who go running or arse around in deserts and find themselves dehydrated and dying of thirst are in that position because they do not possess the ability to drink properly.  Drink like a normal person thanks.  If I am treasuring every precious drop I have then I am not going to try and throw it into my mouth from half a foot away all dramatically against the fiery backdrop of a setting sun.  That is wasteful and if you ask me rather foolish.  Idiots.

Starving children in Africa do not toss their food up into the air and hope it comes down into their gaping hungry mouths.  If they did I imagine some other pot bellied famine victim with flies on his face would happily grab it mid air with a playful ‘Yoink”.

No, they treasure every morsel because that could be the only meal they have today.

I don’t know, maybe were just wasteful because we have too much.  A good famine might do us all a bit of good and give us some perspective.

Now stop being stupid and drink properly.

Rusty Bearings – Room 101

a quick something and nothing.

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.  Rusty Bearings.

These things tend to be short pieces that may or may not be the beginning of something else.  They dont always finish, I just like to try and evoke a certain feeling or scene.


 

Cal stood on the repair deck of the SS Los Angeles looking out into the inky expanse of space and wiped at the grease on his hands with an old red rag.  He loved rest days when he could just potter around the repair deck and have time to think.

He braced himself as he felt the rumble of the high orbit burners beneath his feet and the ship manoeuvred slowly around until the earth drifted into view.

“Wow” he said to himself shaking his head.  The old girl didn’t look well.

From high above large swathes of once green land were now barren and ocean’s once blue and teaming with life were now darkened with the toxic remnants of the third and fourth great wars.

He placed the rag into his overall pocket as the ships com gave a single beep and crackled into life.

”This is captain Armitage.”  He sounded tired.  Eight years in charge of a destroyer will do that to you Cal thought to himself.  “It is with great sadness that I can confirm that Central Command have today confirmed that the SS Trump has been lost over Mars.  Survivors are not expected.  God bless her crew and God bless America.”  The Comms beeped again and there was silence.

Cal grimaced.  That was four destroyers in the last month alone.  They were losing this war.

Well that’s just super…

Kids. Honestly.

My dear children

I want the best for you but…

some days you are thick

Sorry thats the best I can do.   It is ten to ten and the eldest just told me he needs 6 sheets of filo, ricotta and spring onions for school tomorrow.  I want nothing more to shout and protest and stomp my feet as I was about to get in bed after this post but now I am off to the Tesco just up the road.  If they dont have it then I am going to the store in the next town.  But that’s ok right because I am an awesome dad.

I don’t feel it, I want to make him get dressed and go himself.  Oh, did I mention it’s snowing?  Yeah.  Loads.  Id happily watch him drag his forgetful arse out in a blizzard and drive behind him shouting valuable life lessons out the window.

I can just imagine his snow chilled little face pleading to get in the car as I bellow instructions about how to put up a shelf an how to make a good first impression.

What is more annoying though is that I knew it was food tech tomorrow and forgot to check what he needs.  So really I need to shout at myself.  But I am way past learning.

Stupid idiots the lot of us.  Right, where are my clothes I better get dressed again.

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

I tried to say goodbye.

 

V is for Volunteering

Try imagine this…

The company I work for encourage its staff to play an active part in the community.   I used to think it was all just a bit of PR but my experience over the last few years has changed my mind on that.  It is easy to be cynical I admit but in addition to matching any charitable fundraising we do (to a limit of £500 a year) they also, to a degree, support us with a certain amount of time off work to pursue these causes that matter to us most.
Using some of this time, this week I will be embarking on something of an adventure as I
start to volunteer teaching code in one of the small schools one town across.   As part of

Code Club I will be teaching 9-12 year olds how to code in scratch for an hour a week on a Thursday afternoon.

There aren’t enough coders around and I believe it is a skill that breeds creativity and develops problem solving abilities that will be critical later in life and I just figured if no one else is going to do it I will.

Code Club is itself critical in this though and a wonderful endeavour and it provides a wonderful framework within which to work.  You don’t even have to be able to code to be able to teach it.  I can though so hopefully it will help immensely.
Initially I was rather enthusiastic and following a visit to the school though it was a great
idea but as Thursday looms it has dawned on me that will be teaching up to thirty eager
coders never having taught children before.  I have taught adults plenty at work but they are different and wholly more docile.
I may well have bitten off more than I can chew, and I am uncertain if I am the type to be shaping young minds and I am concerned that they will make me cry.  But, it is now too late to back out and by all accounts they are rather excited and if I do run away I
imagine they will hunt me down and go all lord of the flies on me because that’s what children do.
Oh well…

Even more limericks on sombre topics.

Proof perhaps that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.  

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


There once was a vet born in France

Gerbils caused quite a stir in his pants

Rabbits caused a cold sweat

And his trousers got wet

Fondles hamsters if hes given chance

 

Once a husband caught aids from a hooker

quite infected but still quite a looker

gave his wife it, she died

and their graves the kids cried

On his gravestone it read, “What a Fucker”

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

Screw you haiku 16 Jan 2017

Feel the balance baby!

 

Monday curry night

Bravado demands more heat

Hot toilet regrets

 

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

I tried to say goodbye.

 

Ronovan Writes Haiku Challenge: Press and Touch

Haiku challenge using press and touch…

Ronovan provides the words.  Then a haiku follows.  Though mine are kinda haiku in form only and I believe senryu in every other way.

Cold winds press my cheeks

icy fingers painting white

earth feels winters touch.

Yeah see and you thought it would be all weird because it was press and touch right.  Something along the lines of…

an unwelcomed touch

my name is kevin spacey

“pervert!” say the press

But I am better than that.  I am.  Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://ronovanwrites.com/2018/01/15/ronovanwrites-weekly-haiku-poetry-prompt-challenge-184-presstouch/

 

 

Even more limericks on sombre topics.

Proof perhaps that a limerick can make even the darkest of topics more pleasant…

Today, I pay tribute (or a homage if you will) to those that have suffered at the hands of this cruel cruel world.  

I believe that the limerick form can cheer up even the most horrid of subjects.  What do you reckon?


 

There once was a man from gelong

Who enjoyed to put on his wife’s thong

Slipped and fell, it’s no laugh

Cut his balls clean in half

now soprano at church sing along

 

A young fellow caught wifey in bed

with a big burly fellow called Ted

Who was quite well endowed

and incredibly proud

Took the house, car and both kids instead

 

Once a vicar who rather liked kids

and confessed of the bad things he did

seems that’s all that it takes

when you make big mistakes

guaranteed by the church to keep hid

 


Want to read more of my stuff?  No.  Don’t blame you, no offence taken.

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/29/a-collection-of-miserable-limericks/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/probing-a-cautionary-tale/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/03/first-blog-post/

https://afterwards.blog/2017/07/14/we-unlikely-few/

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/homage/

 

 

 

 

Screw you haiku 15 Jan 2017

Feel the balance baby!

Sweet scent of young love

In full bloom, unwatered

withers to nothing

see I can kinda do a normal one…

 

smile creeps across face

others wear mask of disgust

each loves his own farts

 

Aah that’s better.  A little balance restored to the force…

 

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.

 

More stuff from my brain meat…

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

Deep and insightfully insightfulnessness

I tried to say goodbye.

 

I’m going dark

Aah the weekend.

I think I am going to take a day or two off.  I will probably be back Sunday night but it’s been a long week, I’ve hardly been at my best with this stupid cold and I am finding the world somewhat distracting in general and American politics more specifically.

I am going to clear out my twitter because I am just sick to the back teeth of Donald Trump, the GOP and the general stench – and instead I shall fill it with things that bring me joy and inspiration.  In addition there will be more Science and knowledge and art and films and comics and pictures of monkeys.

I have pretty much hit American politics fatigue after spending a large part of the week reading far too much about what is going on.  It’s odd that I have found it all so fascinating as I dont really care that much about what is going on in the UK despite all our shenanigans.  I guess I always like to think that we are just wholly incompetent and bumbling fools whereas your lot just seem rotten to the core and it’s all rather sad.  I think it is actually affecting my my desire to write and create and enjoy things.

Instead I am going to find a load of uplifting and positive American experiences I think.  I will let you know how I get on.  Oh and there’s the Americans amongst you readers of course, I like you lot.

So fingers crossed you’ll have sorted him out by the time I get back.

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 12th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

 

Razor discarded

nature in all her glory 

rum rampant run free

Pubephilia
So turns out it is the arousal to pubic hair.  Now I don’t know not whether folk are excited by particular styles, they might well be, I didn’t research much further than that.  It is fairly obvious the route it would go down, starting at brazilians and ending in the use of the phrase ‘classic 70’s muff’.  I wont waste anyone’s time.

Screw you haiku

My first world white middle class problem.

I really was not in the mood for this today.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find something to rhyme with ‘Shithole’.  Vole?  Mole? Pole?  They’re hard ly inspirational.

As if trying to rhyme with ‘Racist’ and ‘Orange’ isn’t hard enough now I have to put up with this.  The man has absolutely no consideration for people like me.  There are a myriad of derogatory phrases he could have used but no, he had to use that.

Thanks Donald, thanks a lot.

*EDIT ONE HOUR AFTER PUBLISHING

The ink on this is barely dry and now I have to work out rhymes for Stormy Daniels.  Honestly.  AS if my days arent busy enough without having to work out how to shoehorn the phrases “Dutch Steamboating” and “Golden haired sausage Gobbler” into a haiku.  They’re hardly light on the old syllables…

 

People I enjoy – Kindra M Austin

Each week I will share the blog of someone I enjoy.  This week I would introduce you to Kindra. 

Each week I will share the blog of someone I enjoy.  This week I would introduce you to Kindra.  She has a fab blog which is as real as you are going to find, she wears her heart on her sleeve and she isn’t afraid to bare her soul.  She wrote a piece this week here which was just…well just read it.  She’s also prone to a dare, and I know this because I once dared her to do one of her more sweary pieces as an audio piece and she recorded it was rather good fun.

She describes herself as :

Kindra M. Austin is an author (information on her book can be found here), artist, and a Sagittarius Valkyrie from the state of Michigan—Go Detroit Red Wings! She likes her drinks corpse stiff, music loud as fuck, and classic big block muscle cars. You can find her filing through the souls of the slain at poems and paragraphs.

Sandpaper and Sinkholes – Room 101

Jay tapped refresh on his screen and waited anxiously for the numbers to appear. 

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.  ‘Pinches of positivity’.


 

Jay tapped refresh on his screen and waited anxiously for the numbers to appear.

“Looking nervous bro” Mo said watching him from across the room, a broad smile on his face and his brown eyes sparkling mischievously.

“Whatever” Jay answered as the numbers flashed on the screen.

“What you got then?” Mo pressed getting out of his chair and walking across to try and take a look at the screen. “How many do you have?”

Jay pulled away and pushed the device inside his robe.  “2.4.  Still plenty more that you” he snapped.

“Ah but it isn’t just about numbers, it’s also about quality Jay.”

Mo reached into a pocket and pulled out his own device and thrust it towards Jay.  Initially reluctant he took it and scanned over the stats blinking across the screen.

“1.6 with pretty high dedication scores I will admit” he said sullenly and handed it back.  “I still beat you on wealth and influence categories too though.”

“For now” Mo said still smiling.  “You’ve seen my predictions for the next 80 years right?  Dad thinks I’ve a real chance of catching you, especially now my mortality rates are dropping and you have your European problem to deal with.”

Jay really did find him so annoying at times.

“I have no idea why you’re grinning so much” Jay replied angrily, “Vish has nearly as many as you do and his dedication scores are nearly as high as yours.  Vish what you got mate?”

Both men turned to where a third man was sitting on a small wicker chair surrounded by piles of books and papers.

“Don’t involve me in this “ he shouted back and pulled on a pair of headphones “I want nothing to do with this I am quite happy with what I have.  I’m sitting this out for now thanks.”

Mo laughed and folded his arms defiantly.  “You know I will get his eventually don’t you, there’s just no way you’ll ever get them.  Say what you want, his dedication scores are on the slide almost as badly as yours.”

Jay balled each of his hands into a fist.  He really wanted more than anything  to punch him in the mouth.  He was so abrasive when in one of these moods.  Always so desperate to get ahead.

“You know what Mo” Jay said walking closer, chest puffed out.  “Maybe it’s time we took this to the next level.  Maybe it’s time I put you in your place.”

“Oh and how are you going to do that then?” he asked pushing back.  “You got some secret weapon?  You played the evangelist card in the eighties, you got nothing left.  They were all discredited.  You’re bluffing.  Best you can do is damage control.”

Jay hesitated for a moment, smiled and then took a step back.  He reached back inside his robe for his device and stabbed at the screen.  He smiled and slowly turned the screen in his hand and held it outwards towards his brother.

Mo looked confused.  “You’re playing a Donald?  What the hell is a Donald?”

Just boils my blood

WWJD

limerick11118

 

I was this morning reminded of the scumbag that is Creflo Dollar, the preacher who, a couple of years ago, spent 63 million dollars (I put fifty in the limerick because it worked better ) on a new jet for his ministry.

Throw up all the arguments you like there is no justification ever that he should need to take money from people that he can travel spreading the gospel in a frigging Gulfstream.  Yes there have been good deeds done but just how much more could he do if he was not spending money on multi million mansions, multiple Rolls Royce and jets.

The man and his organisation are truly predatory.  You know, I do wish there was a hell because it would surely have a place for men like him.

Sadly, I still remember a time when I had some of his tapes you know.  Glad those days are behind me that’s for sure.

 

 

 

Screw you haiku

The cat made it perfectly clear who runs the house.

I’ve not written much of late as have been laid up unwell.  The cat seems to approve of this and has spent more time on my duvet than ever before.  Perhaps it is because there is no heating on in the house during the day and I am a source of heat, I know not.

I do though find it difficult to move her once she is settled and fast asleep and have been attempting to negotiate my way around the bed so as not to disturb her.  Earlier today this failed and shivering and desperate to get back into bed after visiting the doctor I had to very carefully move her.  Well, you can just imagine how very miffed she was with me and I swear she gave me the dirtiest look.  Like how very dare I.

Took me 2 whole packets of wet food and a promise to run the heating a little more often just to get her back on side.

Alphabet Soup – Room 101. I’d mostly just pass this one by.

This is offensive and crass and pretty childish really and just ignore it.

 Let’s do one of M’s prompts.

Today it’s alphabet soup.  This is not written for anyone or aimed at anyone but instead a piece that I should be better than.  It’s just a list of profanities listed alphabetically and loosely rhyming.   Imagine it as maybe a breakup letter written to someone or a poem written for a colleague when you’ve left work.

This is probably my swearing quota out of the way for the month.Maybe read this instead its wholesome.  And this is very grown up.

 

 

 

 

A is for arsehole and B is for Bastard

C for Crap and perhaps sometimes C*%T

And D so for Dickhead or maybe a Douche

E’s for effing,  please don’t take affront

 

Fuck is quite obvious, Goddamnit is G

Hard-on might be a stretch, cut me slack

Idiot will do me when searching for I

J for jackoff said behind your back.

 

K for Knob really suits you Its british for cock

L for Lobcock.  It’s bad – look it up

Mother fucker a classic you sure must agree

Youre a Nupson if not, useless tup

 

Onanist that’s describes you a tosser for sure

And a prick if you really must know

Q I aint got a thing cos I’m not homophobic

Rimjob suits you cos you really blow

 

Shit-face, spanner and sod I have next on my list

And then twat ‘cos its obviously so

Uropygium, bird’s anus – I looked that one up

Vaffanculo –  Italians will know!

 

Wanker, wally and whore seem to work pretty well

Xanthippe, Yarak and Zatch work real well

Now go google and find out just what they all mean

And when done kindly then go to hell.

 

Pinches of positivity – Room 101

Seems this is my 500th post…

Well this is my 500th post.  Not sure how that happened, I was only really popping in to see what this blogging lark was about.  Oh well, better write something deep and meaningful. Let’s do one of M’s prompts.  ‘Pinches of positivity’.


Lying strapped to the bed Malcolm looked around the room.  Harsh chrome spots reflected on the cold white walls and floor and a single door at the end of the room seemed to be the only way in or out.

He struggled against the wrist and ankle straps but there was no give.

A woman’s voice crackled into life over a speaker, .it was calm and smooth like liquid sugar

“All things are good” it said slowly.  “All things are good.”

Malcolm instinctively tried to ignore the voice but it resonated deep within his mind and filled his senses.

“Everything will work out.” it continued as the words bounced around his head and filled him with calm.  The room drifted into nothing as he closed his eyes.

“This is all you need and you need nothing more.”  iIt said and Malcolm began to mumble the words phrase after phrase.

“This is where you belong and what you need.”  The words left his mouth almost synchronised with voice from the speaker.  He felt warm and safe.

“Everything is fine”

Phrase after phrase flowed into and over him, repeated word for word as he slowly passed into sleep, the words of comfort still dripping from his lips.

As the speaker crackled into silence two orderlies emerged from the door at the end of the room and wheeled his bed back out towards the exit.

“Think he’s nearly?” a barrel chested man asked.  His colleague pulled the door closed behind them.

“Just a couple more sessions and he will be ready for his wedding.”