Tag: silly

Naked Canvas – Room 101

Ever wonder where people get their inspiration?

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“Boss, you seen what Mary’s writing?”

“The ‘footprints’ woman?”

“Yeah her” Jonah continued “what did you do, this smells of you?  Just leave them alone.”

“Look, I never asked to get stuck on this planet, and I certainly never asked to be anyone’s god” he snapped.  “3000 years I’ve been here, it’s boring.  Not once have head-office bothered to pop in and say ‘good job’ or read one of my reports.”

“What did you do?” Jonah pressed.

“Ok so I gave her the ‘I was carrying you ‘ dream.”

“Is that all?”

“…and gave her cancer.”

“Boss, you’re such a dick.”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Bamboozled – Room 101

This is how it ends…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“What I don’t get” said Zark, feelers twitching, “Is how they start quite pleasant and before you know it they’re quite reprehensible beastly slargvarbles.”

“Nature” said Ven entering coordinates into the navigation panel.

“Not nurture?” ventured Zark.

“Not a bleednorgs chance in snarbut” Ven answered, “there’s no way this species can be this awful without it being part of their very nature.”

“So that’s it?” asked Zark bringing up the targeting reticule.  “They failed?”

“It seems so” said Ven quite matter of fact, “vaporise them and let’s go home.”

“Pity” Zark replied punching the incinerate button, “I did rather enjoyed probing them.”

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Mediocrity and Milkshakes – Room 101

How to get ahead in life.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Theo opened the jar labelled ‘Calcium Powder’ and added it the blender.

“They won’t laugh at me this time”, he told himself grinning.

His scrolled through his TOR browser, following the recipe.  They promised to make him faster and stronger, and even though it had cost him all his savings it would be worth it.

The browser flashed.  ‘Add optional Ingredient X now’.

Theo grinned, walked over to the freezer and pulled out the head of Mr Tanaka from next door, a retired mathematician.

“Nothing wrong with some extra smarts” he said to himself grinning as he cracked open the skull.

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

Normal stuff again, nothing weird to see here thank heavens.

There once lived a lady named Jane

Who so loved to dance out in the rain

Got a cold, then a sniff

then pneumonia, quite stiff

now lies dead and no coat was to blame.

photo courtesy of pixabay

Fastidious Matters – Room 101

…Spencer licked his lips watching, eyes wide…

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

Spencer licked his lips watching, eyes wide.  His student drew the knife across her naked stomach as she strained against the ropes, issuing a muffled scream.  The blade flashed in the candle light and he stopped over her heart.

“Slowly” he cautioned.  “Carve the pentagram.”

Spencer inhaled, the blade tip digging into her skin.

Writhing she screamed, the blade slipping causing a long gash to her armpit.

“Bloody hell” spencer roared, his student wincing, “please be more careful!”

He paused.

“Okay, do over.  Get a fresh one and be careful this time, it’s not exactly easy finding a virgin these days!”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Breezy Blunder – Room 101

Chief Hennessy wiped soot from his face.  “Thanks Kate, as far as preliminary reports show looks like a mains gas escape.”

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

“Chief, Kate White Channel 8 News, can you tell us what happened?”

Chief Hennessy wiped soot from his face.  “Thanks Kate, as far as preliminary reports show looks like a mains gas escape.”

“Any reports of casualties?” she pressed.

“I can confirm two deceased occupants found on the premises.”

Two hours earlier

 “Bend over more” Ben howled holding the lighter to his brother’s bottom.

“It’s coming, light it, light it” Tobias shouted, eyes popping as he strained.

“You smell that?” Ben said suddenly looking about, his smile gone, lighter still burning.

“You smell this?” Tobias laughed, letting out a huge fart…

Photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

After the last two days limericks I feel the need to just step back a touch and calm things somewhat.

There once was a gran who made mittens

Tiny things that you put upon kittens

Super cute, fluffy sweet

They’d cavort at her feet

If you see them you’d ‘Awwwww’ rather smitten

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You people out there doing this…STOP! It’s just wrong!

This might make you gag a touch.  It’s apparently a real thing.  I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it but I will probably publish it anyway.  It’s not my fault people are weird.  I just write about it.

 

A young chap who worked at the zoo

Had an odd fascination with poo

He would take hand fulls home

Have a sniff, gasp and moan

Cavort naked, all caked such a thrill

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Golgotha

A 299 word piece I wrote for the Carrot Ranch Rodeo #2 based on a joke I heard once.

Gathering storm clouds obscured the sun as a small crowd gathered at the foot of the low hill.  The sky darkened, distant thunder rumbling across the arid landscape as the crowd spoke in hushed tones.

“Some say he’s the son of God” said a portly bearded fellow wearing a long brown robe.

A crooked shrew of a woman picked up a and threw it towards the hill.  “I heard he’s a dirty boy that likes prostitutes” she shouted.  The crowd grumbled their disapproval.

The man on the cross lifted his head, blood trickling down his face.  Sallow eyes scanned the crown and he attempted to speak.

“Speak up boy we can’t hear you” shouted the portly chap shovelling a handful of olives into his mouth.  A legionnaire moved towards him to hear what was being said as lightening again lit up the sky.

The man on the cross spoke again, his face contorted in agony.  The legionnaire stood for a moment listening then turned to the crowd as another stone landed at his feet.  The shrew of a woman elbowed an elderly man at her side.

“Stop throwing stones” she said sharply.

“Philip” shouted the Roman as he scanned the crowd.

No one moved.

He shouted once more and a young bearded man raised a hand cautiously.  The Legionnaire beckoned him forward and he pushed through the crowd as lighting flashed again.

He approached the man on the cross, pulling down the hood on his robe

“Philip” said the man on the cross smiling, life ebbing from his body.

“Yes my friend” he replied.

“There is something you need to know.”

“Please tell me” Philip said.

He mustered a final breath, his lips dry and his voice hoarse.

The crowd listened intently.

“I can see your house from here.”

Deepest Desires – Room 101

With the sound of the pub fading into the night she pinned him to the wall biting his lip.  She tasted of whisky and cigarettes,.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt!

With the sounds of the pub fading into the night she pinned him to the wall biting his lip. She tasted of whisky and cigarettes,

“Is your mind mine?” she asked.

“God yes” he stammered, her hands under his shirt, nails digging into him.

“Your soul?”

“Yes!” he answered, her hips writhing against him.

“And your heart?”

“Take it” he said breathless. His wife wouldn’t know. “Just suck m…”

Fingers suddenly transformed to talons she reached inside his chest and pulled out his still beating heart.

“Men” she hissed taking a bite as he slumped lifeless at her feet. “Quite deliciousssssss.”

Photo courtesy of lightstargod @ pixabay

Unassuming Diversions – Room 101

Just how much can you actually pack into 101 words? let’s see shall we.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt!

 

“Sleep you two” Alan shouted smiling.

The twins giggled.  “Yes dad.”

He rolled the conker they’d given him between his fingers and placed it on the bedside table.  As he closed his eyes the dark shell cracked open and a silvery wisp spilled out, circled his head and darted inside his ear

He missed them more than he hated his ex-wife.  Just.  Monthly visits weren’t enough.

__________

As he sat in the back of the cruiser, pyjamas blood soaked he watched the silvery wisp crawl into the ear of the Deputy driving.

“They’re going to love you in county” he snarled.

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A couple of Donald inspired limericks

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …

Trump the crazy on tour out in China

Salivates, like he would at a diner

Watch out for him trust me,

He will grab yours you’ll see

then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!

A loony chap, Donald the POTUS

Went to Asia, the land of the lotus

Picked a fight with young Kim

With maniacal grin

Big appeal to the racist white voters

Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need

Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?

Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers

All he offers. Who cares?

Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!

Cat and Dog

…He waited for cat to ask why today was not a day for napping.  Every day was absolutely a day for napping as far as cat was concerned, and she really was in no mood for dog this morning.

Dog barked excitedly as cat slipped into the room, rubbed herself against the leg of the old oak coffee table and jumped up onto the Old man’s chair.  She curled herself into a ball, took one look at dog and closed her eyes.

“Wake up wake up”dog barked his tail wagging wildly.

Cat opened her eyes slowly and sighed.

“What is it dog” she asked curtly, “I am rather tired and would very much like to take a nap.”

“A nap” dog exclaimed “oh no, no, no today is not for napping” he insisted.

He waited for cat to ask why today was not a day for napping.  Every day was absolutely a day for napping as far as cat was concerned, and she really was in no mood for dog this morning.  She had spent much of the night hunting mice in the barn and wanted to simply curl up and had no intention of asking why today was not a day for napping.

Dog waited for as long as he could, which was not long, before exclaiming excitedly. “It’s my birthday today cat, my birthday”

“And exactly how do you know that” cat asked impatiently.

“The girl with the fat bottom said so this morning” he barked spinning around his tongue lolling from his panting mouth.

“And exactly why do I care” cat asked shuffling into a more comfortable position where she lay.

“Oh because it’s my birthday of course” said dog.

“Yes I believe you said that already” said cat closing her eyes again.

“Oh cat please don’t nap” dog asked “it’s my birthday and birthdays are not for napping.”

“Let me ask you something dog” said cat he eyes still closed.

“Yes yes yes” dog panted. “Ask away ask away.”  He barked and sat quite still next to the chair where cat lay.

“What is a birthday?”

Dog cocked his head to one side, his eyes sparkling and his pink tongue hanging from his mouth.

“Well?” cat pressed.

“It’s…” Dog paused.  He barked and then exclaimed “It’s a birthday of course cat, my birthday!”

“But what is a birthday Dog” cat asked again, now sitting up so as to stare straight at him.  She did love him dearly but he was not the smartest of animals.

“Well…It’s …er…” Dog fell silent and looked rather sad.  “I don’t know” he said the grin gone from his face.  “It just sounded quite wonderful.  My very own birthday.”

“Oh silly dog” said cat making room for him on the farmer’s chair “jump up here and I will tell you all about birthdays and why today is indeed a special day.”

Ronovon’s Haiku Challenge: Spooky & Night

I do rather like a good haiku challenge. Gives me something to defile, because I do rather like a jolly good defiling.

2 words.  Haiku.  Simples.

 

Spooky chilling ghoul

at night hovers over me

god, put make up on

 

Spooky spectral fright

whispers in the dead of night

noise under my bed

 

Spooky tap…tap…tap…

light on cutting through the night

clown at the window

 

spooky child’s giggles

patter of feet in the night

baby died last year

 

RonovanWrites #Weekly #Haiku #Poetry Prompt #Challenge #173 Spooky&Night

 

My Haiku process

I find it hard to do serious haiku, they intimidate me and make me feel rather insecure. So I write these instead…

When I started with my haiku I found it hard to do the serious ones, the ones about nature and such.  The proper ones.  Instead I have always tried to write funny haiku about serious things.  My process is pretty simple, I write down a load of serious awful things just like the list below and then do my best to write something that might bring a smile to your face.  Life can be rather serious, and it really is good to laugh.

  • Getting aids
  • Catching your wife cheating
  • The death of a family member
  • Being diagnosed with cancer
  • Catching an STD

 

1982

caught aids from a toilet seat

that’s where it’s from right?

 

caught her red handed

He wants you to say his name?

say my lawyers name!

 

Granny passed away

to be fair she was quite old

inheritance, YES!

 

Grim outlook, cancer

live like there’s no tomorrow

cake for every meal

 

frightfully itchy

the colour just looks all wrong

why is it oozing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fatties in Space Part 3 – Definitely still not for kiddies

You’d have thought I’d have given up on this idea by now wouldn’t you. But no. No I haven’t.

Part 1 is here and part 2 is here.  You really need to read those first for this to make much sense.  Not that it makes much sense.

 

The big day came around, as our pair left the ground

and to space they did head quite excited

soon of gravity free they would quite happily

give into their lust now ignited

 

Not constrained by their girth or the pull of the earth

they were sure to express their desire

to the chamber they floated, rotund hot and bloated

loins smouldered then soon set on fire

 

Hungry mouths warm wet lips bulging crotch quite pert nips

they cavorted and drifted through space

arching backs roaming hands loves wet warmth swollen glands

In huge bosom he buries his face

 

Set free from their weight, she’s the food on his plate

he devours from angles quite kinky

with his mouth he then pleases his tongue he then teases

and lord look where he just stuck his pinky

 

Heaving flesh they’re entwined to their passion resigned

hungry mouths they consume head to feet

Right way upside down how they both go to town

Like that time at the all you can eat

 

Now the entree is done and its time for more fun

its the main, shes bent over and waiting

Massive buttocks quite round what a sight most profound

he approaches his mouth salivating

 

Hands on hips legs akimbo, head thrown back like a limbo

how he handles her bulk into place

with no effort he fills her the pleasure it thrills her

Just like ribs, puts a smile on her face

 

Then with coital alignment and subtle refinement

its doggy, jack hammer then twister

little dipper, wheel barrow, for her age she’s quite narrow

though the Zebra Lunge gave her a blister

 

As they peak in their lust one more move is a must

and he grabs her and spins her around

They explode with delight and embrace close and tight

For the pleasure and love they have found

 

She caresses his chins and quite sated she grins

satisfied for the first time in years

pudding eyes drink her in shes his goddess of sin

such pleasure it brings them to tears

 

Well I think that is enough really.  I will miss them,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I was not English

An ode to ignorance

So if I was not English, and I think I will suppose

The type of things I would enjoy, and ponder upon those

For foreign,  people often seem, when seen on the TV

their weird ways, their lovely teeth, they’re really not like me

 

If French all day Id feast on Cheese and pastries I’d consume

and walk around in open shirts, with frills and pantaloons

turn up my nose at things not french and art I would adore

and get myself a second wife and hide her like a whore

 

If Spanish I would surely sleep each day from noon ’till 5

I need a nap,  been up since 9, if not I’d not survive

Then mostly I’d eat squid for tea and sip on wine all night

and watch the Brits on holiday  – they drink and puke and fight

 

If German born Id surely spend efficient time at work

then home for beer and sausage and some sauerkraut, what a perk

in leather shorts I’d strut around, my bare chest on display

and dance to David Hasselhoff, fat bottom I would sway

 

Across the pond I think perhaps gun toting I would be

it seems it fine if I shoot dead the folk who bother me

Defend myself from innocents not like me, how sublime

I’d get myself grenades and guns, some rockets and a mine

 

 

OK, so I will stop that there.  I kind of lost my sense of humour the day that daft twat started shooting people at a country and western concert and found myself hating everyone and everything and just wondering how on earth do we end up doing such awful things to each other.  I got that far before I calmed down a little but still felt all of this frustration at the stupidity of people and then started writing and thought yeah Im just as bad, mocking people so I stopped but I then thought oh heavens just press publish because it is what you felt at the time.  I had this desire to just ridicule and mock, but not too severely.  Passive mockery if you will.

Anyway, it is what it is and I am what I am.  I do find humour in most things and most situations and for the most part think the world is quite hilarious.  Then I started taking myself far too seriously.

you should have seen what I had planned to write about the Chinese and the Italians…awful awful stuff.

Scratch – Daily prompt

Fly me to the moon – Sunday photo fiction

Faeries: The long winter

 

Limerick o’clock!

Yeah you know what time it is!

A quite lovely temptress from Dover

loved to frolic and roll in the clover

She would lie in the dew

with a fellow or two

caught a chill, went without a pullover

 

This molester in charge of the States

filled with anger and bile how he hates

The sick and the poor

and the blacks even more

and brown people with Mexican traits

 

A chap from Niece grew a large beard

said his wife “Love, it looks rather weird,

So perhaps have a shave

and in bed please behave

don’t come near me until that thing’s sheared.”

 

A butcher from Leeds who loved pies

Cant resist them, though trust me tries

Now his belly’s quite round

and his man boobs profound

and you should see the size of his thighs

Love – FFFAW Challenge

After Dark Haiku – 29/9/2017

Faeries: The long winter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like at your own risk…

I will admit, pressing the like button on things quite often causes me some consternation

I will admit, pressing the like button on things quite often causes me some consternation, especially if it is something sad.  I want to support and encourage, please do not get me wrong, but it often leaves me feeling rather uneasy.

I am quite sure that it would not be taken this way, but I recall feeling most conflicted recently when a Facebook acquaintance posted that he had cancer but was determined to fight it.  I wanted to applaud his resolve but would not want to give a big thumbs to his loss of a testicle in the same way I would if someone had posted a video of a  puppy falling over in a particularly cute way.  How can I like just part of it?

But beware, the risk runs deeper and you never quite know how your like might be interpreted.  My wife recently liked an article entitled “Child molesters face internet crack down”, and when I first saw it fleetingly it was somewhat truncated and all I saw was “Mrs Michael likes Childmolesters…”

What if the article had been “Big cock fighting ring smashed wide open” or “Many men now using public transport”.  How would I have felt then?

What if I was to like a news article which spoke of the injustice of being unfairly accused of a crime you did not commit entitled “Being fingered by a snitch ruined my life”.  I think it is most sad that this reservation that consumes me recently prevented me from expressing my thanks for the great work the police in America after reading an online article entitled  “Rape and murder incidents on the decline in New York”.

Perhaps I should just leave a nice comment or send a card…

 

More things from my brain?

Gift and Song – Colleen’s weekly poetry challenge

After Dark Haiku – 24/9/2017

Screw you, one and all.

TJ’s Household Haiku – Earth and Whirlwind

You know the drill.  2 Words, haiku, go!

You know the drill.  2 Words, haiku, go!

Thanks to TJ and his fab prompts!

 

She feels the earth move

Lost in passion sweet embrace

Whirlwind, take cover!

 

Obvious wasn’t it.

 

Whirlwind one night stand

Symptoms indicate it’s crabs

right back down to earth

 

I know, uncalled for.  

 

You reap the whirlwind

Emilio Estevez rocks!

Best western on earth

 

You never saw that coming though did you.  Emilio Estevez in a haiku :).  Can you name the western?

More shenanigans?

Blanketed in bliss

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These simply aren’t my fault.

I blame the United Nations for the quality of these haiku…

So sat at lunch Tuesday 19th of September and I thought I would scribble a few haiku, as one does.  Unfortunately on the TV behind me is Donald Trump at the UN and my intention to write of nature and butterflies and waterfalls and all manner of gorgeous natural wonderment ended up as what you read below.  I’m not even American so not sure why I care, perhaps it is because he is so vile.  Anyway, lesson learned is that your environment can have a huge impact on what you are able to write.

I then spent much of the rest of the day swearing at inanimate objects.

Donald at the UN

Flapping gums and tiny hands

Blah blah blah blah blah

 

Cuddly Korean

With your nuclear arsenal

And your dog soufflé

 

Rancid politics

Women ought to be in charge

Men are such morons

That is all I managed before punching a kitten in the face and making a pregnant lady cry, so foul was my demeanour.

More stuff?

Charlie’s Journey – OWPC Challenge

My neighbour Ifraheem

Footprints – An AFA Challenge

 

Daily prompt – Thorny

Armitage – Part 1

… I had suggested, and I thought quite wittily, that she fetch me a sandwich and a nice cup of tea …

I am just reposting this so I don’t lose it.  It was my first ever post less than 3 months ago but I really want to use that post as my blog intro and for the life of me I cannot work out how to do that so I am rehousing this one.  Sorry to clog up your feed with it.

Michael

 

I have never enjoyed Tuesdays.  Looking back at the significant moments in my life I am pretty certain that were they plotted on a chart of some description – perhaps a rather nice exploded pie chart –  not one of those milestones would appear after a Monday but before a Wednesday.

I recall quite clearly my first kiss and it was on a Friday afternoon in late summer, as far from Tuesday as one might hope to get.  My children were most definitely not Tuesday babies, preferring instead to squeeze their way into the work on a Wednesdays and Friday respectively and I married for the first time on a glorious Saturday in July and the second time it was a rather bleak Friday afternoon in March.  I could attempt to find a milestone moment on a Tuesday but I shall not because there simply aren’t any.  Of that I am certain.  I do not, therefore, hold out a great deal of hope as I put pen to paper, commencing with it as I am on a Tuesday evening  in early July.

Negative it may well seem, and perhaps I would agree that It is hardly the attitude with which to embark on any new endeavour, but such is my outlook as I sit here in the darkness typing.  “So why type?” I hear you ask.  Well the answer to that is rather quite simple.  My wife suggested it might help me unburden myself and provide me an outlet for things inside that would well be far better out and perhaps prove a route to obtaining a positivity which I apparently quite often lack.   I had suggested, and I thought quite wittily, that she fetch me a sandwich and a nice cup of tea which I was also lacking at that precise moment in time – but I received only one of her special withering looks and spent a rather uncomfortable evening in the spare bedroom  – sandwichless and parched.

Whilst I make no assertions that this is in fact anything other than late night ramblings, were I to consider this something more poetic and meaningful then as creative journeys go this is simply a first step.  Perhaps the journey has not yet begun and this is actually only the packing of a small overnight bag.  If this is the only thing I ever write then it could actually be the metaphorical equivalent of picking up an exotically illustrated brochure from the travel agents which I ended up leaving on the bus home and then deciding that actually I won’t go abroad this year and will instead potter around the house and maybe build a small wall in the garden.

Not that we have a travel agents.  That closed down when the rift opened.  As did most things around here.  If there is one thing that I am certain of it is the fact that unless the univers decides to undo that which it has done then at no time soon will I be packing a bag – whether overnight or otherwise –  to go anywhere because there simply is no longer anywhere to go to.

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tea/

 

 

 

 

 

Gift and Song – Colleen’s weekly poetry challenge

Here we go again.   I am going to be serious this week.  Feel my haiku!

Here we go again.   I am going to be serious this week.  Feel my haiku!  Thanks as ever to Colleen for her prompts.  Check her blog out out here.

This weeks words are Gift and Song.

 

Intoxicating, lost

in the heady gift of song

melting to her voice

 

or maybe

 

thanks, the gift of song

an itunes voucher from gran

My phone’s an android

 

And back to serious

 

Song bird, gilded cage

Trapped, craving the blue expanse

I gift her freedom

 

Then back to silly, using Serenade instead of song

 

She smiles, crimson cheeks

He serenades from below

Dad’s Chamber pot thrown 

 

And one last Serious one

 

truly you’re a gift

you fill my heart with such song

My children my life

 

Ok ok one last silly one, for balance…

 

other worldly voice

Children crying dogs howling

clown under your bed

 

Think that’s quite enough for one  week…

More shenanigans?

More miserable and inappropriate limericks – Not for the kiddies

End of days #writephoto challenge

Badger and Fox

 

https://colleenchesebro.com/2017/09/19/colleens-weekly-poetry-challenge-no-51-haiku-tanka-haibun-gift-song/