Tag: Funny

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card? Perhaps feeling a touch on the gassy side?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

I heard you’re quite bloated today

And you stomach’s all growly  you say

Just give in,  let it out

Unleash hell have no doubt

You’ll feel better quite soon, fart away

 

Ha that picture with this poem made me chuckle.   There must be a fetish haiku in it surely…

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

You got whiplash? Oh dear that’s a shame

Though I hope that you know who’s to blame

Cos you’re sure to cash in

And you’ll most likely win

When you call up and submit your claim

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Late Night Limerick – Get well soon and hope the Gonorrhoea clears up

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Oh poor lamb heard you’ve got gonorrhoea

And the symptoms they seem quite severe

Now it burns when you piss

You’d not bargained on this

When you paid for that hooker, oh dear

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Sprained Wrist *wink wink* 

 

Hurt your wrist now you’Re feeling forlorn

Is it twisted or ligaments torn?

Now you know that we all

think its not from a fall

But from wanking all night watching porn

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Late Night Limerick – So you’ve got syphilis

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

So you’ve got syphilis

This is as far as I got.   Just the title.  I started researching it right and oh my bloody hell it’s frigging awful.  I can happily write a stupid poem about it with little knowledge but I confess to never having really understood fully just what it entails.

I tell you it is quite awful.  It effects you for like forever and some of the things that happen to you are quite chilling.  Let’s just say that you could indeed look back at the day your dick nearly fell of and think “Aah, good times.”

Bloody hell, I’m stopping writing now and having a rum and going to bed.  Maybe 3 rums actually.

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

 

Heard you ate something dodgy oh dear

and your stomach is feeling quite queer

Stay hydrated then rest

you’ll be back to your best

it’s not pleasant at all diahorrea

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

A variation on yesterday’s theme for you …

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Heard you had something dodgy to eat

Now your stomach’s not feeling so sweet

You just threw up your lunch

And your arse packs a punch

Get to toilet and please please don’t tweet

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You know this is what you really want to say

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Saw on facebook you’re not feeling good

Please indulge me this thought if you would

Get you’re arse off to bed

If you’re feeling so dead

‘stead of posting dumb updates, I would!

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Not sure what to put in a get well soon card? I’ll sort you out worry not.

 

 

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

Oh poor thing I’ve just heard you’re quite ill

With a sneeze and a cough and a chill

I think stay tucked in bed

Chicken soup and some bread

if not better then perhaps take a pill.

 

See.  Not weird or anything.  Admittedly the first version ended with “and watch porn all day long, what a thrill.”  But no, that’s not unnecessary.  

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

And just like that we have a wholly inappropriate limerick about sailors.

I have wanted to use the phrase ‘gobbling on cocks’ for ages.  I think the picture makes it.

 

An alpha male type, macho guy

One day realised he may well be bi

Now he’s down on the dock’s

And he’s gobbling on cocks

Sailor three ways and all sorts he’ll try

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

Normal stuff again, nothing weird to see here thank heavens.

There once lived a lady named Jane

Who so loved to dance out in the rain

Got a cold, then a sniff

then pneumonia, quite stiff

now lies dead and no coat was to blame.

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

After the last two days limericks I feel the need to just step back a touch and calm things somewhat.

There once was a gran who made mittens

Tiny things that you put upon kittens

Super cute, fluffy sweet

They’d cavort at her feet

If you see them you’d ‘Awwwww’ rather smitten

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You people out there doing this…STOP! It’s just wrong!

This might make you gag a touch.  It’s apparently a real thing.  I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it but I will probably publish it anyway.  It’s not my fault people are weird.  I just write about it.

 

A young chap who worked at the zoo

Had an odd fascination with poo

He would take hand fulls home

Have a sniff, gasp and moan

Cavort naked, all caked such a thrill

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Golgotha

A 299 word piece I wrote for the Carrot Ranch Rodeo #2 based on a joke I heard once.

Gathering storm clouds obscured the sun as a small crowd gathered at the foot of the low hill.  The sky darkened, distant thunder rumbling across the arid landscape as the crowd spoke in hushed tones.

“Some say he’s the son of God” said a portly bearded fellow wearing a long brown robe.

A crooked shrew of a woman picked up a and threw it towards the hill.  “I heard he’s a dirty boy that likes prostitutes” she shouted.  The crowd grumbled their disapproval.

The man on the cross lifted his head, blood trickling down his face.  Sallow eyes scanned the crown and he attempted to speak.

“Speak up boy we can’t hear you” shouted the portly chap shovelling a handful of olives into his mouth.  A legionnaire moved towards him to hear what was being said as lightening again lit up the sky.

The man on the cross spoke again, his face contorted in agony.  The legionnaire stood for a moment listening then turned to the crowd as another stone landed at his feet.  The shrew of a woman elbowed an elderly man at her side.

“Stop throwing stones” she said sharply.

“Philip” shouted the Roman as he scanned the crowd.

No one moved.

He shouted once more and a young bearded man raised a hand cautiously.  The Legionnaire beckoned him forward and he pushed through the crowd as lighting flashed again.

He approached the man on the cross, pulling down the hood on his robe

“Philip” said the man on the cross smiling, life ebbing from his body.

“Yes my friend” he replied.

“There is something you need to know.”

“Please tell me” Philip said.

He mustered a final breath, his lips dry and his voice hoarse.

The crowd listened intently.

“I can see your house from here.”

Fatties in Space – Part 4

Okay so I know I said they were done but I miss them terribly so thought I would give it another go.

Part 1 is here, Part 2 can be found here and part 3 is right here.  It’s best to read those first if you like poems and such about fat people shagging in space.  Yes I know that’s not a real thing but its just a bit of fun.  Use your imagination. 🙂

 

Now they’re back down on earth and they ask “was it worth

all our savings are gone nothing’s left”

they then think of the lust and the force of the thrust

unencumbered by both of their heft

 

And they smile and decide with a grin rather wide

that they know then what needs to transpire

their large bulk to reduce, live on veges and juice

for their loins are still moist and on fire

 

So Pilates and gym in a quest to get thin

bums and tums every day before dawn

and he works on each ab somewhere beneath the flab

protein shakes he wolfs down with each yawn

 

And at night they pursue new positions or two

just to test what they might just achieve

head down butt in the air he grabs hold of her hair

a bit easier his weight he does heave

 

“Oh delight” he exclaims and the weight loss he blames

for the pounding he brings as she squeals

and her bottom he slaps and they take far more naps

cos they’re at it like bunnies twixt meals

 

So each morning she runs as he works on his guns

as she sweats bosoms bounce up and down

whilst her nipples are tender shes a wee bit more slender

but its worth it the way he goes down

 

Like hes eating a cake or delish philly steak

cos shes somewhat more flexi these days

and instead of meat pies he’s devouring her thighs

sometimes 2, 3 or 4 different ways

 

and shes quicker to squeeze into camel toe jeans

and there’s far less a chance of them splitting

he can see past his gut as she role plays a slut

and he watches her licking and spitting

 

then a salad for dinner and he says “you look thinner”

she replies “your man boobs look so small”

and he touches her hand says “I’m so glad I’m your man”

she smiles “I think we have it all”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few limericks of little note

There is one about a panda which could have been special but mostly it is just a bit dirty. The rest are just crass.

There once was a chap from Milan

Had a thing for his best mate Paul’s gran

Craved her wrinkly bits

And her pendulous tits

of her saggy old  thighs, a big fan

 

An irregular builder from Goole

Bought a potion to soften his stool

He strained with a large load

And his bowels did explode

Don’t gamble with farts, that’s the rule

 

A woman from Selby quite cute

Survived mostly on vege’s and fruit

But most every fart

Would result in a shart

Just imagine the stress of each toot

 

A lonely young chap from Uganda

At the zoo fell in love with a panda

Craved its fluffy white thighs

And it’s come to be eyes

Got him rather aroused, double hander!

Get down off there you’ll hurt yourself

As it turns out some people need to be told not to eat their lunch whilst sat on the toilet.

I am not such an oaf that I am unaware that I can at times be offensive.  At times I am intentionally so if I feel strongly that someone or some thing does not deserve to be respected or is perhaps so laughable that to expect anything other than my ridicule would be offensive to me.  Today I am going to touch on something that falls into the latter category.

A friend of mine works at the head office of one of the UK’s largest retail banks, and in his early years with the company getting to head office was seen as the holy grail and something to be aspired to.  The Bathrooms had real towels he tells me with some enthusiasm.  Having worked here for a decade now it is with some sadness that he explained to me that as he looks back things are not always as they seem.  The full scale of the decline of the dream was apparently summed up this week by the photo below which he took in the 4th floor bathroom and sent to me with the caption “This is how the Roman Empire fell”.

20171025_105957.jpg

Now I realise that people are different, and I do my damnedest to be nice I really do but who the hell needs a sign putting up telling you not to stand on the bloody toilet seat to take a shit?  The health and safety risks are pretty obvious I would hope…Imagine you topple forward and knock yourself out and some poor bugger from the search party finds you arse up covered in nasty as he peers over the top of the cubicle.  No one gets over that.  And what sort of aim to you need to have to make a successful deposit perched atop a fragile plastic seat arms braced against the cubicle walls?  I am sure it’s quite an achievement when you nail it but the state of most public toilets would speak to the number of unsuccessful drop offs.

My point here though is not to ridicule each of the etiquette points, as easy as that would be.  Instead I’ll talk about what I did next because, to be honest, it just gets more and more surreal.  I googled “Why do people stand on the toilet to take a crap” and spend the next hour reading some of the most ridiculous shit (quite literally) I have ever come across.   Perhaps I am just ignorant and crass and a quite horrible human being for what I am going to write next, and if so then so be it – at least I know how to go to the toilet.

Did you know that there is one faith that believes you should enter the toilet with the left foot and leave it with the right?  What if you have one or no legs – you just go in your trousers?  Apparently some believe that if two chaps are taking toilet time in adjoining cubicles they should under no circumstances speak to one another.  Maybe it’s just me but I appreciate a little noise if I am in a public loo, it disguises all manner of things.  Oh and these two chaps are also not allowed to touch their genitals with their right hand, look at each others genitals or eat whilst evacuating themselves.  What sort of people must they be to need rules that say don’t eat a sandwich with your trousers around your ankles whilst looking at another mans balls whilst he’s on the loo.  Serious now…

There are at least two of the major faiths that insist on a little prayer after they’re all done, one of them apparently thanks their deity for “relieving them of the filth and giving them relief”.  This will be why there are children suffering with Leukaemia and aids not being divinely healed – god’s too busy helping a billion plus perch on top of lavvy seat to take a dump.

Now I know one should not believe everything one reads on the internet, but if one page I read is to believed then it is absolutely critical for a man to place a cotton bud the size of a piece of barley inside his penis to avoid drippage post urination. What sort of twisted bastard god insists on that?  Apparently you should perhaps walk, cough or lie on your left side to fully empty the urethra.  Have you seen the state of a lot of toilets?  So not only do you have a cotton bud rammed down the end of your manhood but your nice new jacket is covered in piss and shit from lying on the motorway toilet floor coughing.

Quite happy to retract or correct this if the internet is lying about all of this but I think maybe it isn’t.   Oh, and don’t get me started on that holiday I took to Greece once where I had to put the filthy loo roll in a basket next to the toilet.  Do you know how hot it is in Greece?  It’s frigging sweltering and …actually I will just keep that for next time.

I’m sorry but some days I really do despair…

 

 

 

Oh Donald…

You’d think Donald would give you an endless source of things to write about right?

If you’ve read me for more than a day or two you know I like to write limericks about Donald trump.  Yes I know he’s an easy target, but he provides such wonderful content that I cannot but want to.

Sadly though, it is getting harder and harder to do so.  Before I have had chance to write about something the orange baby has done he goes and does something else even more ludicrous.

He recently managed to be quite awful to a war widow expressing that her husband had ‘Known what he was signing up for’ when he joined the military.  Bad enough, but then he goes onto one of his stubby fingered twitter assaults to dispute the claims.  “Okay” I am thinking, “I can perhaps wax lyrical about this!”.  I then realised it was more than likely going to emerge that, by the time I pressed ‘publish’, he would already be on the twitter defending the alleged fake news that he had then thrust his diminutive  hand between her legs, licked her mouth with that little pink tongue of his and exclaimed “and now I know what I’m getting into!”

The world’s gone mad I tell you !

My Haiku process

I find it hard to do serious haiku, they intimidate me and make me feel rather insecure. So I write these instead…

When I started with my haiku I found it hard to do the serious ones, the ones about nature and such.  The proper ones.  Instead I have always tried to write funny haiku about serious things.  My process is pretty simple, I write down a load of serious awful things just like the list below and then do my best to write something that might bring a smile to your face.  Life can be rather serious, and it really is good to laugh.

  • Getting aids
  • Catching your wife cheating
  • The death of a family member
  • Being diagnosed with cancer
  • Catching an STD

 

1982

caught aids from a toilet seat

that’s where it’s from right?

 

caught her red handed

He wants you to say his name?

say my lawyers name!

 

Granny passed away

to be fair she was quite old

inheritance, YES!

 

Grim outlook, cancer

live like there’s no tomorrow

cake for every meal

 

frightfully itchy

the colour just looks all wrong

why is it oozing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fatties in Space Part 3 – Definitely still not for kiddies

You’d have thought I’d have given up on this idea by now wouldn’t you. But no. No I haven’t.

Part 1 is here and part 2 is here.  You really need to read those first for this to make much sense.  Not that it makes much sense.

 

The big day came around, as our pair left the ground

and to space they did head quite excited

soon of gravity free they would quite happily

give into their lust now ignited

 

Not constrained by their girth or the pull of the earth

they were sure to express their desire

to the chamber they floated, rotund hot and bloated

loins smouldered then soon set on fire

 

Hungry mouths warm wet lips bulging crotch quite pert nips

they cavorted and drifted through space

arching backs roaming hands loves wet warmth swollen glands

In huge bosom he buries his face

 

Set free from their weight, she’s the food on his plate

he devours from angles quite kinky

with his mouth he then pleases his tongue he then teases

and lord look where he just stuck his pinky

 

Heaving flesh they’re entwined to their passion resigned

hungry mouths they consume head to feet

Right way upside down how they both go to town

Like that time at the all you can eat

 

Now the entree is done and its time for more fun

its the main, shes bent over and waiting

Massive buttocks quite round what a sight most profound

he approaches his mouth salivating

 

Hands on hips legs akimbo, head thrown back like a limbo

how he handles her bulk into place

with no effort he fills her the pleasure it thrills her

Just like ribs, puts a smile on her face

 

Then with coital alignment and subtle refinement

its doggy, jack hammer then twister

little dipper, wheel barrow, for her age she’s quite narrow

though the Zebra Lunge gave her a blister

 

As they peak in their lust one more move is a must

and he grabs her and spins her around

They explode with delight and embrace close and tight

For the pleasure and love they have found

 

She caresses his chins and quite sated she grins

satisfied for the first time in years

pudding eyes drink her in shes his goddess of sin

such pleasure it brings them to tears

 

Well I think that is enough really.  I will miss them,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I was not English

An ode to ignorance

So if I was not English, and I think I will suppose

The type of things I would enjoy, and ponder upon those

For foreign,  people often seem, when seen on the TV

their weird ways, their lovely teeth, they’re really not like me

 

If French all day Id feast on Cheese and pastries I’d consume

and walk around in open shirts, with frills and pantaloons

turn up my nose at things not french and art I would adore

and get myself a second wife and hide her like a whore

 

If Spanish I would surely sleep each day from noon ’till 5

I need a nap,  been up since 9, if not I’d not survive

Then mostly I’d eat squid for tea and sip on wine all night

and watch the Brits on holiday  – they drink and puke and fight

 

If German born Id surely spend efficient time at work

then home for beer and sausage and some sauerkraut, what a perk

in leather shorts I’d strut around, my bare chest on display

and dance to David Hasselhoff, fat bottom I would sway

 

Across the pond I think perhaps gun toting I would be

it seems it fine if I shoot dead the folk who bother me

Defend myself from innocents not like me, how sublime

I’d get myself grenades and guns, some rockets and a mine

 

 

OK, so I will stop that there.  I kind of lost my sense of humour the day that daft twat started shooting people at a country and western concert and found myself hating everyone and everything and just wondering how on earth do we end up doing such awful things to each other.  I got that far before I calmed down a little but still felt all of this frustration at the stupidity of people and then started writing and thought yeah Im just as bad, mocking people so I stopped but I then thought oh heavens just press publish because it is what you felt at the time.  I had this desire to just ridicule and mock, but not too severely.  Passive mockery if you will.

Anyway, it is what it is and I am what I am.  I do find humour in most things and most situations and for the most part think the world is quite hilarious.  Then I started taking myself far too seriously.

you should have seen what I had planned to write about the Chinese and the Italians…awful awful stuff.

Scratch – Daily prompt

Fly me to the moon – Sunday photo fiction

Faeries: The long winter

 

Cautionary limericks and one about that orange fool

just a few bits and pieces

 

 

A chap with a taste for wild nights

bought a hooker in basque and black tights

unprotected he played

wife found out that he’d strayed

came home scratched and all covered in bites

 

Young lovers but still in their teens

hormones on fire and tight jeans

got knocked up by mistake

what a big one to make

Oh well, so much for all of your dreams

 

A POTUS hailed “Son of a bitch”

as the players stood firm on the pitch

don’t you dare take a knee

it’s offensive to me

and my white privileged buddies, all rich

 

 

Blanketed in bliss

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Limerick o’clock!

Yeah you know what time it is!

A quite lovely temptress from Dover

loved to frolic and roll in the clover

She would lie in the dew

with a fellow or two

caught a chill, went without a pullover

 

This molester in charge of the States

filled with anger and bile how he hates

The sick and the poor

and the blacks even more

and brown people with Mexican traits

 

A chap from Niece grew a large beard

said his wife “Love, it looks rather weird,

So perhaps have a shave

and in bed please behave

don’t come near me until that thing’s sheared.”

 

A butcher from Leeds who loved pies

Cant resist them, though trust me tries

Now his belly’s quite round

and his man boobs profound

and you should see the size of his thighs

Love – FFFAW Challenge

After Dark Haiku – 29/9/2017

Faeries: The long winter