For those Amazon users amongst you will be quite familiar with how it likes to offer you suggestions on purchases that compliment the things you may have just bought. For example, you might purchase a pair of sunglasses and it will intuitively suggest that you might also like some sun cream based upon the purchases of previpous shoppers.
Anyway so today I decided to dabble a little and placed an order for a variety of items that they will deliver each month for me. Cat food, washing powder, loo roll. The sort of heavy or bulky stuff that makes my grocery shop easier and I dont mind having extra of if I don’t use it all. I then thought I would also order some soap as I want to use that instead of shower gel because of all of plastic bottles we end up using. Doing my bit for the planet and all that.
So I proceed to check out and Amazon kindly offers me a suggestion of a complimentary purchase based upon me wanting to bulk buy 18 bars of Dove soap. I know you want me to get to the point and I will but I’m going to continue the build up here a little. I could make you guess couldn’t I, and you’d perhaps suggest shampoo or a nice loofer and if you did you would be most wrong.
No. There was nothing of a sanitary nature at all. Seems that according to Amazon that people who buy soap also often purchase mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise? I shit you not.
This obviouly triggers me and I am thinking of all the things one might do with mayo that would mean you needed a jolly good wash afterwards. There was the usual spreading and licking at first but then I got distracted by the thought of it being in a jar perhaps and at that point you’re going to need a spoon to get it out and I’m just not sure many men could pull off standing naked at the foot of the bed, legs akimbo, spoon in one hand and mayo in the other. Unless you forego the spoon and just dip your…Actually no I just dont think it has the consistency of a sensual food and youd end up looking like you had some sort of creamy fungal growth and then it would drip onto the carpet and if it’s the good stuff made with oil then it’s probably going to need wiping up sharpish and at that pouint flacidity kicks in and I dont think there could be many sadder sights than a balding fat man with a flacid cock covered in mayo while the mrs berates him for making a mess of the nice new bedroom rug.
Then again I suppose I could ask the wife to position a nice Turkey leg betwixt her bosoms and let me dollop a load on it.
Or maybe not. Anyway, to prove I am not lying see below…