J is for Jesus, Jew and Jam

I do rather like Jam.

Given it’s Christmas and all J is most definitely for Jesus.  I was going to write ‘J is for Jew’ but that sounded a bit accusatory and a kind of racist.  It’s not is it?  It’s only a word after all.  I tend not to think about what is and what is not appropriate when I write and simply go with it and watch my followers to see whether it effects the number.

Maybe it’s how you say it?  Or who says it?  If I am standing on top of a burning car outside of a bank it is most like decidedly racist, criminal and a load of other things that my mum would not be proud of.  If someone has a bomb vest on insisting J is for Jew and is shouting for his friend Alan Akbar then again – I am thinking it is probably a negative use.

Conversely, if I am wearing a little white hat thing on my head attending a colleagues son’s something-or-other where they cut parts of his dick off then I think it is simply a statement.  I sit and reflect: “Oh yes I see, J is for Jew.”  It’s almost a rather comforting and warming moment feeling that I am connected to a people that have spanned all of written memory.

Guess how it makes you feel is about you and not me really.

P.S.

You know, google is great.  I searched for ‘Jewish Cock Cutting Ceremony’ and it informed me it was called a bris.  I am assuming lots of other people have searched similar terms.  See, I’m not alone in my ignorance.

P.P.S

J is also for ‘Jam’.  I do like Jam.

 

 

 

Dark Christmas – Stable

And on that day a child shall be born, and his name shall be…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

Horse rubbed himself against the stable wall,  “Oh that feels so good” he said scratching an itch that had been troubling him for some time.  “That was some crazy goings on last night” he said to anyone that was willing to listen.

Cow looked up from her breakfast “Not a fan of babies myself” she answered “especially not squidgy pink human ones.”

Chicken clucked in agreement as Pig snorted.

“I’m just glad they’ve gone.  As if the way they treat us isn’t bad enough now they’re stealing our sleeping space” Pig said sharply.

“Apparently he was the son of God you know” Horse continued.

“Who?” said Cow chewing slowly.

“That baby, the Jesus one.”

Chicken clucked and flapped her wings and was about to speak when Pig interrupted.

“What are you on about?”

“Seriously” Horse said nodding, “I heard them say so.”

“Fuck off” said pig “why would God have his kid born in a stable” she asked grumpily.

“Pig, language” Cow snapped.

Pig wandered over to the trough and began to eat. “Seems a bit ridiculous to me that’s all” she said, food spilling from her mouth.

Chicken flapped her wings and opened her beak to speak but was again interrupted.

“It’s true” Horse said, “Apparently God sent those fellows with the camels and those shepherds “

“Why on earth would he do that?” Pig asked.

Cow looked at Horse.  Horse said nothing.

Chicken saw her opportunity and hopped up onto Cows back.  “I was speaking to Dog from two streets down” she clucked, “and you know what he told me?” she asked.

“Go on” Pig said finishing the last of the food in the trough.

“Well” Chicken continued, “Dog told me that there was a baby born over at their Inn last night too and there were apparently heavenly apparitions, a voice from the sky and a beam of light that shone on the baby when it came out!”

She paused for dramatic effect as the animals looked at one another.

“What did they call it?” Cow asked curiously.

“Darren” Chicken answered.

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 20/12

Watching the Olympics will never be the same again.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

Deep penetration

driven hard, right on target

to the heart of you

 

It seems that some people find ARCHERY a turn on.  Can you believe that?  Archery?  Its hardly riveting as a sport so god alone knows how it’s stimulating enough to get you all riled up enough to need to drop your trousers and service yourself whilst watching the Olympic games.

It has a name too.  TOXOPHILIA.

People…seriously…

 

Dark Christmas – Sleigh

My twisted Christmas continues…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

 

Sleigh bells ring and blood runs cold

The Fear runs through your veins

Night time falls and tales of old

They tell of just one name

 

His clothes blood stained, a heart of black

A list of wicked names

His jingle bells, on darkness dwell

Brings death and dark and pain

 

And should he find you unprepared

Through window, chimney, door

He sneaks inside your soul to take

Your days to end.  No more.

 

Into the night he whisks away

bad children, down to hell

Not fire, but ice and there to stay

And in his kingdom dwell

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Chimney

I seem to have a recurring theme starting here. I think I might have Santa issues…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

https://mindescapes.net/2017/11/30/mindescapes-christmas-challenge-2017/

 

As darkness falls and blankets pulled

up tight around your ears

across the town the crunch of boots

on snow and darkest fears

 

Door handles rattled, windows checked

Through letter box he peeps

Wild eyes, sharp teeth and fingers gnarled

As you pretend to sleep

 

He knows, he sees, he understands

Just how you have behaved

He watches day and night and follows

From the cradle to the grave

 

And should he know, perhaps suspect

You’ve not done as you should

Onto your roof he clambers

All because you’ve not been good

 

And down your chimney he will slip

When fast asleep you dream

And whisk you off to darkest lair

Where no one hears you scream

 

My entry in to the Carrot Ranch #7 contest

the challenge was to do 75 words on a murderous theme as I recall

The sausages sizzled and spat in the pan as the inspector sat to the table.  “Have you eaten?” she asked spooning fat over them and watching them turn from pink to golden brown “I make them myself you know”.

“Homemade?  Really?” he answered.  “They do smell great, what do you feed them?” He asked his mouth watering.

“Oh you’d be surprised what a pig will eat” she answered smiling “you can feed them absolutely anything.”

Ronovan’s Haiku Challenge: Slow & Burns

Haiku challenge using ‘Short’ and ‘Sexy’. I feel I may be being set up…

It’s time for another of Ronovan’s haiku challenges.

Slow and sensual

lights dimmed, Kenny G playing

blissful carpet burns

 

https://ronovanwrites.com/2017/12/18/ronovanwrites-weekly-haiku-poetry-prompt-challenge-180-slowburn/

 

A very Donald Christmas

A quick Tuesday shenannigan

I know I’ve written about this stuff before but it remains fun to challenge myself to search for the perfect limerickian expression to encapsulate certain subjects. I’ll miss them when it is all over I am sure.

I believe he likes watching parades

and with family plays cards and charades

now this might seem quite mean

and to some most obscene

but I hope he gets cancer or aids

Dieting. 5.

really not my fault

Just a quick update as I am rather full of meat and my eyes are slowly closing.

We took the kids to a comedy club thingamajig tonight as it is my eldest boys birthday next week, and they took a couple of friends with them.  The evening was pleasant enough, and afterwards we thought we would take them all for dinner to TGI Fridays.

I was convinced that I was in a good place upon entering, and despite the kids all ordering ribs, which I am rather partial to, I asked for the duck salad.  Duck salad right!  That is actually a thing.  Salad.  With Duck.  Whatever next.

Anyway, so there I am feeling great about the choice I just made, when the waitress heads back over.  They are all out of Duck Salad.

I do wonder whether they ever actually had any you know.  It really does not sound like something you should be making.  Salad with duck.  I think it is on there as a joke and they are convinced that nobody will ever take it seriously enough to order it.

I don’t really know how it happened, I think maybe I felt pressured into a quick decision as she was stood waiting for my  revised order, but I just blurted out ribs and before I know it I am licking Jack Daniels sauce from my fingers and picking succulent pig from my teeth.

I had done rather well all day up to that point too.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.  Sleep well, I certainly will.

P.S. I ate the chips too.

 

Dark Christmas – Naughty

Good luck getting this image out of your head once you’ve read it.

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

The gifts delivered to the homes

The reindeers put away

And Santa stumbles off to bed

But Mrs wants to play

 

“Now you look here” his wife insists

“I know you’ve been at work

But a woman has her needs you know”

And slowly starts to twerk

 

He cocks his head and strokes his chin

her bottom starts to shake

“Oh love I’m feeling tired”

No excuses will she take

 

She bumps and grinds her lips red bright

She wiggles and gyrates

Stockings, basque and ‘Screw me shoes’

Much longer she cant wait

 

His suit undone his belly proud

She nibbles, sucks and bites

Hes suddenly less tired

And his trousers feel quite tight

 

“Oh go on then” he smiles and slaps

Her playful on the arse

“One more bulging sack to empty

Then its off to bed at last”

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Inn

Recently found parchment provides reliable eye witness account of the big day it seems…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

Dear diary you see

you may just not believe

what has happened tonight when at work

couple knocked at the door

he performed, stomped and swore

demanded a room, what a jerk

 

But I felt really bad

for the sorry faced lad

cos his lass says that god did …you know

now shes bearing his kid

not from nothing he did

but hes sticking with her, brave lad so…

 

The night’s silent and cold

Seems a saviours foretold

Theres the lass on a donkey call M

Now shes proper knocked up

and at back of the pub

giving birth near a cow a hen

 

There’s some fellas with sheep

and some lads from the east

who look lost but they seem to have gifts

it has been a long night

and this stars rather bright

god I really do hate working shifts

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of pixabay

Swayed and seduced – Room 101

The colour spilled from Nick’s usually ruddy cheeks as he pushed open the dorm room door.

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.

 

Her heart raced as his hands rested on her hips and he pulled her closer.  She didn’t even know his name and right now she didn’t care.

She pressed herself against him and felt the thud of the music throughout her body.  His warm breath on her neck sent shivers down her spine and he whispered into her ear.

“Want to get out of here?”

She nodded, and as they left the bar her phone beeped.

Having a good time?

Bit boring babe wish you were here x see you later.

She closed the message screen and turned off the phone.

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

My Weekly Fetish Haiku – 15 December

I want to F-F-F-Fu-Fu

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Psellismophilia

Just imagine the scene.  She undresses, he watches her.  She begins to speak…

I wa-wa-wa-want

To t-t-take you and then

lick you d-d-d

and at that point the whole thing was apparently over and done with in a right old sticky mess.  Who knew, but it is by all accounts the arousal when confronted with stuttering.

Dark Christmas – Town

You better watch out…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

 

As night falls, all through the town

When the children start to slumber

There comes a man his hood pulled down

His heart all black and thunder

it rages, coursing through his veins

and soul as dark as pitch

he searches for the homes and seeks

the curtains as they twitch

inside he creeps they scurry fast

he knows they’re wide awake

to take their souls, exchanged for gifts

be good for goodness sake

Dieting. 4.

A piece in which I mention sweaty bottoms quite a lot.

So yesterday was somewhat more difficult given that I had a full day work event followed by Christmas Dinner and drinks.  But, I came away not completely disappointed in myself – quite surprisingly.

I did not indulge in any of the huge pile of biscuits and chocolates that were available on arrival which I thought was a real victory given that in the past I would have been the one that opened them and got stuck in first.

I cannot say the same of big fat Simon though, he rumbled into the room, reached across the table exposing his hairy arse crack, proclaimed “Ooh biscuits” and tucked in.  Perhaps that’s the key to appetite suppression.  Every time you’re tempted to eat squirty cream straight from the can you have to look at a picture of a large man’s hairy toilet equipment.

At lunchtime I ate only the same as a normal person, avoiding the cream cakes and sticking to a couple of sandwiches and the treat of a frightfully small piece flap jack for pudding.  I did get a queer look from a couple of people when I was spotted eating a fruit kebab thing and a couple of carrot sticks and some hummus.  Rather than admitting to being on a diet I explained that I was saving myself for the Christmas dinner later on.

All I really wanted to do was smash cream buns into my face in the toilet where no one could judge me.

Dinner was ordered months ago so there was not much I could do and I had a lovely pumpkin soup starter.  I seem to have then ordered a burger followed by Christmas pudding.  I remembered some of the encouragement I have received on here and decided to not eat the chips (fries).  This would have worked had they cleared the table sooner, but they took a while so by the time they did I had eaten half.  But not eating half is something I would never have done before.  I would have eaten all of mine and then coveted other peoples chips.  Pretty sure the bible has strong views on such things.  As good as I felt about it I could think of nothing else when I got home and had real regret over not eating them.

So all in all a way better day than I had expected.

This afternoon I am thinking of popping to the hypnotist to see whether they can help me get the image of big Simon’s dirty parts out of my head.

Have a good weekend!