Afterwards

Musical Undertones – Room 101

Caleb cradled the pistol in his lap, face contorted in pain, unable to to block out the sound of the piano.

Caleb cradled the pistol in his lap, face contorted in pain, unable to block out the sound of the piano. It was Rachmaninoff’s no.2, her favourite piece. He’d watched her perform it the evening they first met.

Every morning he awoke and he could hear it and it never stopped until he closed his eyes to sleep. It’s emptiness, soaring heights, consuming passions and raging emotions all reminders of what he had done and that which he had hidden for so many years.

Enough. He put the pistol in his mouth.

Rebecca smiled, closed the piano lid, and drifted into nothing.

Photo courtesy of lailajuliana @ pixabay

Prolonged Agony – Room 101

From the corner of the room Gary looked down at his cold and lifeless body spread-eagled, face down, on the bed.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt

From the corner of the room Gary looked down at his cold and lifeless body spread-eagled, face down, on the bed.

“Oh shit” he thought as a crime scene officer took photographs of the 12 inch black ‘thundercock’ hanging out of the back of his quite obviously deceased self. “What’s Karen going to think?”

The CSO pulled out her phone, snapped a photo, and quickly put it away again.

“I know him you know” she said to the police officer stood at the door.

“Yeah?” he replied.

“Yes” she answered smiling broadly, “ex-fiance, he cheated on me with his current wife.”

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Deepest Desires – Room 101

With the sound of the pub fading into the night she pinned him to the wall biting his lip. She tasted of whisky and cigarettes,.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt!

With the sounds of the pub fading into the night she pinned him to the wall biting his lip. She tasted of whisky and cigarettes,

“Is your mind mine?” she asked.

“God yes” he stammered, her hands under his shirt, nails digging into him.

“Your soul?”

“Yes!” he answered, her hips writhing against him.

“And your heart?”

“Take it” he said breathless. His wife wouldn’t know. “Just suck m…”

Fingers suddenly transformed to talons she reached inside his chest and pulled out his still beating heart.

“Men” she hissed taking a bite as he slumped lifeless at her feet. “Quite deliciousssssss.”

Photo courtesy of lightstargod @ pixabay

Unassuming Diversions – Room 101

Just how much can you actually pack into 101 words? let’s see shall we.

Thanks to Michelle for the prompt!

“Sleep you two” Alan shouted smiling.

The twins giggled. “Yes dad.”

He rolled the conker they’d given him between his fingers and placed it on the bedside table. As he closed his eyes the dark shell cracked open and a silvery wisp spilled out, circled his head and darted inside his ear

He missed them more than he hated his ex-wife. Just. Monthly visits weren’t enough.

__________

As he sat in the back of the cruiser, pyjamas blood soaked he watched the silvery wisp crawl into the ear of the Deputy driving.

“They’re going to love you in county” he snarled.

photo courtesy of pixabay

More R Rated Limericks.

I am easily influenced, so here are even some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read.

I blame these on you lot for encouraging me…

A fine actor from Hollywood hailed

and young men he apparently nailed

one with mouth he did please

as he dropped to his knees

many more he’d seduce but he failed

Dairy sales man who worked in Calcutta

Had a mind that was oft in the gutter

Home he’d go self to please

Rub his bollocks with cheese

And his nipples he’d smother in butter.

There once was an old man from Chile

Now you’re thinking I’ll write of his willy

That would be rather sick

To write odes of old dick

I’m more grown up than that, don’t be silly…

An innocent chap from Taiwan

who kept puppies and sweets in a van

Gave away outside schools

Church bazaar’s, public pools

worse charity ever, stupid man!

Bloke next door has this girlfriend, most flirty

Who based on the noise, gets quite dirty

“God that stings” through the walls

Heard him shout, slips and falls

Bangs his head, seems she’s also quite squirty

Sorry. Kinda.

Cradled and Cocooned – Room 101

He kicked out angrily, desperate to hurt her, wanting her to scream.

This morning I was looking for some inspiration to start doing a themed daily piece. I was listening to the Eurhythmics album 1984 (The one for the film adaptation of the George Orwell Book) and it got me to thinking about doing a Room 101 kind of thing in 101 words and on a dark and twisted theme.

Not quite there yet I then took another look at Michelle’s prompts over at Her Writing Haven. They are a great set of prompts and you should take a look at them, so I decided to use those as my daily prompts to be combined with my Room 101 idea. I may also combine them with the WordPress daily prompt if possible. Anyway, here is the first Room 101. The “Cradled and cocooned” prompt comes from Michelle and the “Dancing” prompt from WordPress daily prompt..

He kicked out angrily, desperate to hurt her, wanting her to scream.

“Oh look he likes it” he heard her say, that sickeningly elated tone in her voice. “He’s dancing.”

“He has your terrible taste in music” the man joked laughing loudly.

“Hey you, watch it” she replied happily. He could feel her slowly rubbing her stomach.

As if having to listen to her life coursing through her body wasn’t enough, he now had to listen to the awful music she played incessantly.

He really could not wait to be born and one day be old enough to kill them both.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/dancing/

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/34953311/posts/1648533588

On the matter of prompts

I do so very much like the challenge of prompts. You know the type, where you’re provided with a picture or a word and the challenge of creating something – often limited to a small number of words.

When I started my blog in July it was the WordPress daily prompt that provided me with the most inspiration. I have since moved away from those somewhat as I have discovered lots of other wonder blogs out there that stir my imagination, but the thrill of a good prompt remains.

I think perhaps I enjoy them so much because they give me that central idea to which I can attach the randomness of my thoughts. Quite often I will have an idea in my head that I want to write about but it is the prompt that provides the catalyst for the finished piece.

Anyway, here are some of my favourite blogs that provide me with some of the inspiration for the stuff I produce. A huge thanks to you all for the effort that goes into running the prompts!

The prompts are great, and the work by fellow bloggers equally so!

I know there are more I have forgotten…

Do you have others you like to use? Leave a link in the comments section below.

The place where he once sat

In her final few years, her family now long gone, she would simply sit and watch the seasons change from her chair in front of the window.

The challenge…In 99 words (no more, no less) write a story about a chair on a porch. Why is it there, and what might it mean? Think about using it as a prop or the main thrust of your story.

The deadline for the piece has passed but I figured I’d write it anyway.

In her final few years, her family now long gone, she would simply sit and watch the seasons change from her chair in front of the window.

As memories faded into nothing, time racing by unrelenting, neighbourhood children passed by and waved occasionally before running off excitedly. Spring enticed summer, and autumn blew away into winter and always she watched.

When snow fell she would pull a small blanket across her knees. It was the one he had given her all those years ago. Before he left. She smiled to herself and waited, he would be home soon surely.

https://carrotranch.com/2017/11/02/november-2-flash-fiction-challenge-2/

Resonance

It was 1992 and I was living in Knysna in South Africa. I went to the cinema, a ramshackle old place with the most uncomfortable seating, but working air conditioning which at the height of an African summer is a true wonder indeed.

A while back I wrote here about my relationship with music, and felt that it was more of a series of filthy one night stands rather that a true romance for the ages.

Listening to a random playlist this morning I was reminded of the time when I indeed fell in love at first sight and in fact spent the following years in slow lovemaking on a white fluffy rug in front of a crackling fire with Kenny G playing the high notes in time with my enamoured thrusts.

I recall quite clearly sitting in my seat, and being early the projectionist had put some music on. This was no chain, but a privately owned place. Sitting there, as the music played, never had I ever heard anything, before or since, that resonated with me as much as the album he had playing that day.

You know that feeling, when something just resonates so deeply and perfectly that you feel like it’s what you’ve always been waiting for. Sometimes you will meet a person, read a book or watch a film and it feels like it was made just for you. Yes? Well that is how I felt when I first heard ‘Blind Man’s Zoo’ by 10000 maniacs.

I listened and listened and track after track just left me wanting more. I don’t remember what the film was that day, but I do remember heading up to the projection box before the film started needing to know what was playing. The chap was so excited to share as much as he could and actually gave me the cassette that was playing at the time that I could take it home and just bring it back when I was done.

Even now, when I hear the album – which I still listen to regularly – I still remember each song like it was the first time I heard it and I am taken back to that pokey little cinema with it’s uncomfortable chairs and the gorgeous melancholy of Natalie Merchant.

Photo courtesy of stevepb @ pixabay

Malcolm

A fiction piece I did for the Carrot Ranch rodeo competition. 100 words on growing up and knowing then what you know now.

A cold wind blew through the broken window as Malcolm sat naked and alone in the dark, skinny bruised arms pulling his knees tight to his chest. He rocked slowly on the stained, unmade bed and started to cry as he heard the sound of heavy footsteps.

“Bad man says fingers on lips, shhhh” he told himself pressing a grubby finger against his mouth. A shadow obscured the sliver of light that crept under his door.

Malcolm reached beneath the pillow for the long sliver of glass he’d taken from the broken pane.

“Not this time” he whispered to himself.

A couple of Donald inspired limericks

Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.

Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …

Trump the crazy on tour out in China

Salivates, like he would at a diner

Watch out for him trust me,

He will grab yours you’ll see

then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!

A loony chap, Donald the POTUS

Went to Asia, the land of the lotus

Picked a fight with young Kim

With maniacal grin

Big appeal to the racist white voters

Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need

Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?

Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers

All he offers. Who cares?

Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!

Ronovan’s Haiku Challenge: Smooth & Hand

After a couple of days off I think I will just ease back into things with some silly Japanese poetry thingies.

I have learned over time that these are more senryu than haiku, but hey-ho they’re mostly the right syllable count, which is something I guess.

Ron’s haiku challenge

Use ‘Smooth’ and ‘Hand’. I snigger.

So bloody childish.

Smooth silken bonds, tight

Powerless, cedes upper hand

Safe-words: ‘It’s too big!”

Smooth hands tell a tale

Soft as a babies bottom

The world’s worse builder

Think that’ll do don’t you…

On the matter of inverting a penis.

As a parent you sometimes just do the best job you can then go have a beer.

I do as good a job as I can as a dad, and I know I fall short of the mark plenty but I do try. I’ve heard it said that we learn how to parent from our own parents though I do not recall having a conversation with my parents as I have just had with mine over lunch.

I’m still away on holiday and on an all inclusive so have at this point in the day had a slushy strawberry daiquiri and two or three beers which might explain how the conversation came about. I’m not sure really.

Anyway, there we are tucking into lunch when the subject of gender alignment comes up. How? I’ll be buggered if I know, it just did. My kids are 9 and 12 so have to a degree been exposed to such things ever so slightly but for the most part it remains a matter of obliviousness at best and confusion at worse for them. Given their ages I am quite fine with this and I am happy to deal with things as they come up. As best I can I encourage my children to be tolerant and understanding of others and try not to make a big deal about such matters.

As I blundered through at one junction my son asked about transgender surgery, and at this point my wife was head down tucking into her lunch – probably expecting this to get rather odd knowing me as she does.

I have no idea why but for some reason I chose to try and explain penis inversion. Thing is, I don’t really know if that’s a thing. Well I do but I am particularly short of details. She looked on in horror, and the boys with some bemusement, as I chose to use an empty coca cola cup to explain how to invert a penis and turn it into a vagina whilst I had absolutely no idea what the devil I was on about.

I am a programmer not a surgeon. I’m not even a very good programmer so you can imagine how poor a penis inversion sex change surgeon I am. I think I used the word urethra at one point which made it sound wholly more convincing in my head but my wife’s exclaimation of “God Mike please stop” would indicate that it was not going as well as I had hoped. Instead I ploughed on though explaining how you can still take a pee if your penis has been inverted. I tell you, you’d be surprised the effort it takes to take a coca cola cup and invert it without ripping it asunder and causing them even more consternation than I already was.

By the time I was done they simply stared at me looking more confused than before I had started, and wondering why I had ruined a perfectly good cup. I am probably going to have to do a little research on the matter and see where I went wrong. With hindsight I think my choice of props was probably a bad move but they had earlier refused to go fetch me some hot dog sausages from the buffet so I had to use what was at hand.

Anyway, they don’t seem too scarred and they’re back in the pool now having a blast whilst I have another beer.

Cat and Dog

…He waited for cat to ask why today was not a day for napping. Every day was absolutely a day for napping as far as cat was concerned, and she really was in no mood for dog this morning.

Dog barked excitedly as cat slipped into the room, rubbed herself against the leg of the old oak coffee table and jumped up onto the Old man’s chair. She curled herself into a ball, took one look at dog and closed her eyes.

“Wake up wake up”dog barked his tail wagging wildly.

Cat opened her eyes slowly and sighed.

“What is it dog” she asked curtly, “I am rather tired and would very much like to take a nap.”

“A nap” dog exclaimed “oh no, no, no today is not for napping” he insisted.

He waited for cat to ask why today was not a day for napping. Every day was absolutely a day for napping as far as cat was concerned, and she really was in no mood for dog this morning. She had spent much of the night hunting mice in the barn and wanted to simply curl up and had no intention of asking why today was not a day for napping.

Dog waited for as long as he could, which was not long, before exclaiming excitedly. “It’s my birthday today cat, my birthday”

“And exactly how do you know that” cat asked impatiently.

“The girl with the fat bottom said so this morning” he barked spinning around his tongue lolling from his panting mouth.

“And exactly why do I care” cat asked shuffling into a more comfortable position where she lay.

“Oh because it’s my birthday of course” said dog.

“Yes I believe you said that already” said cat closing her eyes again.

“Oh cat please don’t nap” dog asked “it’s my birthday and birthdays are not for napping.”

“Let me ask you something dog” said cat he eyes still closed.

“Yes yes yes” dog panted. “Ask away ask away.” He barked and sat quite still next to the chair where cat lay.

“What is a birthday?”

Dog cocked his head to one side, his eyes sparkling and his pink tongue hanging from his mouth.

“Well?” cat pressed.

“It’s…” Dog paused. He barked and then exclaimed “It’s a birthday of course cat, my birthday!”

“But what is a birthday Dog” cat asked again, now sitting up so as to stare straight at him. She did love him dearly but he was not the smartest of animals.

“Well…It’s …er…” Dog fell silent and looked rather sad. “I don’t know” he said the grin gone from his face. “It just sounded quite wonderful. My very own birthday.”

“Oh silly dog” said cat making room for him on the farmer’s chair “jump up here and I will tell you all about birthdays and why today is indeed a special day.”

Ronovon’s Haiku Challenge: Spooky & Night

I do rather like a good haiku challenge. Gives me something to defile, because I do rather like a jolly good defiling.

2 words. Haiku. Simples.

Spooky chilling ghoul

at night hovers over me

god, put make up on

Spooky spectral fright

whispers in the dead of night

noise under my bed

Spooky tap…tap…tap…

light on cutting through the night

clown at the window

spooky child’s giggles

patter of feet in the night

baby died last year

RonovanWrites #Weekly #Haiku #Poetry Prompt #Challenge #173 Spooky&Night

The army of dead babies

Not really sure where this came from. Not sure if the idea is cute or just creepy as hell.

If you cant sleep at all tonight

And you sense that something’s wrong

And the wind that whispers through the trees

Seems to sing a mothers song

Then close your eyes ignore the sound

Of gurlgles, howls and cries

Upon the wind as it blows through

The late October skies

Stay ‘neath your blanket warm and snug

Don’t open windows wide

For the army of dead babies

Will be marching by outside

Reminders of the choices made

The lives we took for granted

They seek once more a mothers kiss

On this night that’s most enchanted

From those we lost in pointless wars

To others cruelly taken

Not loved, not wanted, never held

And many more forsaken

With Ghoulish faces sunken eyes

A mother’s heart they seek

To take her back to realms of dark

To care for souls most meek

Into your homes they crawl inside

Mouths gaping and dead eyes

Foot of your bed they sit and wait

Soft gurgles tender cries

And should you wake and heed their call

Heart tender, cries to stem

Your soul they take and leave you dead

And drag you back with them

And from that day ‘til ages pass

And they again return to light

You tend the dead lost babies souls

That wander through the night

picture courtesy of pixabay

My rather oblivious travel diary

Ever been to Portugal? You should go – the weather is lovely, it has great food and the people are frightfully friendly.

I thought perhaps I would have another crack at a bit of a travel post being in Portugal as I am. I read a couple of other travel post and saw the mix pf photos and descriptions of places and restaurants and so on and figured yeah give it a go.

I then realised the slight flaw in my plan. I don’t actually really know where I am. Okay so I am in Portugal, I know where that is. It’s near Spain. And I know that I am in the Algarve, because my wife told me and best I can muster on that is that it is at the bottom. That aside I don’t have a bloody clue. I think the place has the word “Agua” in and there is a beach nearby but that is hardly a help.

We did go out for a walk down to the beach earlier today and spent the morning there and it was pleasant enough I guess. It’s kind of out of season so it’s rather quiet but still warm enough during the day. I still have no idea where I actually was though, like on a map.

Wherever it is I am I have nothing but good things to say about it. The people are lovely, great weather, good food. I’d recommend you go yourself but that would mean me knowing where I am.

I know I should look it up but what’s the point now that I am already here, and besides all the cocktails are free so I don’t actually care that much. I will probably just sit around the pool for a few days and then get back on a plane and go home looking all tanned, somewhat fatter and feeling quite relaxed. People will ask how it was and I will make something up that makes me seem well travelled.

BON VOYAGE!

Fatties in Space – Part 4

Okay so I know I said they were done but I miss them terribly so thought I would give it another go.

Part 1 is here, Part 2 can be found here and part 3 is right here. It’s best to read those first if you like poems and such about fat people shagging in space. Yes I know that’s not a real thing but its just a bit of fun. Use your imagination. 🙂

Now they’re back down on earth and they ask “was it worth

all our savings are gone nothing’s left”

they then think of the lust and the force of the thrust

unencumbered by both of their heft

And they smile and decide with a grin rather wide

that they know then what needs to transpire

their large bulk to reduce, live on veges and juice

for their loins are still moist and on fire

So Pilates and gym in a quest to get thin

bums and tums every day before dawn

and he works on each ab somewhere beneath the flab

protein shakes he wolfs down with each yawn

And at night they pursue new positions or two

just to test what they might just achieve

head down butt in the air he grabs hold of her hair

a bit easier his weight he does heave

“Oh delight” he exclaims and the weight loss he blames

for the pounding he brings as she squeals

and her bottom he slaps and they take far more naps

cos they’re at it like bunnies twixt meals

So each morning she runs as he works on his guns

as she sweats bosoms bounce up and down

whilst her nipples are tender shes a wee bit more slender

but its worth it the way he goes down

Like hes eating a cake or delish philly steak

cos shes somewhat more flexi these days

and instead of meat pies he’s devouring her thighs

sometimes 2, 3 or 4 different ways

and shes quicker to squeeze into camel toe jeans

and there’s far less a chance of them splitting

he can see past his gut as she role plays a slut

and he watches her licking and spitting

then a salad for dinner and he says “you look thinner”

she replies “your man boobs look so small”

and he touches her hand says “I’m so glad I’m your man”

she smiles “I think we have it all”

Elizabeth

The challenge was to write something in 61 words using the phrase “good and bad do exist” for the #MicroMonday Challenge

“So good and bad do exist because God made them?” Cassandra asked.

The vicar nodded.

“And the man who killed my daughter…” she paused waiting.

“He was evil.”

“But why create evil? She was 5” she asked angrily.

“God moves in mysterious ways” he answered, a hand on her arm.

She brushed it off angrily. “He sounds like a bastard to me.”

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/127785315/posts/1654

A few limericks of little note

There is one about a panda which could have been special but mostly it is just a bit dirty. The rest are just crass.

There once was a chap from Milan

Had a thing for his best mate Paul’s gran

Craved her wrinkly bits

And her pendulous tits

of her saggy old thighs, a big fan

An irregular builder from Goole

Bought a potion to soften his stool

He strained with a large load

And his bowels did explode

Don’t gamble with farts, that’s the rule

A woman from Selby quite cute

Survived mostly on vege’s and fruit

But most every fart

Would result in a shart

Just imagine the stress of each toot

A lonely young chap from Uganda

At the zoo fell in love with a panda

Craved its fluffy white thighs

And it’s come to be eyes

Got him rather aroused, double hander!

Screw you haiku

So when is a haiku about a disease you picked up overseas not actually a haiku?

When I started this writing lark I was rather conscious of befouling the wonderful art of the haiku. Mine are rather non traditional and as far as haiku go really only conform to the syllable construct. Thanks to Colleen I have since discovered the senryu which is probably more akin to what I’ve been writing,

Senryu (also called human haiku) is an unrhymed Japanese verse consisting of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables (5, 7, 5) or 17 syllables in all. Senryu is usually written in the present tense and only references to some aspect of human nature or emotions.

So without further ado a few senryu. Given I’m enjoying some time in Portugal I thought I would write about diseases picked up whilst abroad.

Oh throbbing red lump

Wriggling underneath the skin

Bursts spewing spiders

Delights of Delhi

Arse on toilet head in sink

Don’t drink the water

Ladyboy surprise

Guess I;ll try anything once

Sphincter quite destroyed

Amsterdam delights

Toasted, red lit buxom wench

Need penicillin

Who would be so stupid?

Proof that there the stupidity of some people knows absolutely no bounds.

I am quite sure you have asked yourself this question at some point. let me show you how it works.

Surely millions of Americans will not vote for Donald Trump to become President, who would be so stupid?

The UK could feasibly vote to leave the EU, but surely not – who would be so stupid?

Makes sense right? The Seemingly impossible and illogical happening because you simply cannot begin to understand what people are capable of despite what you yourself might think. If the last few years have taught me anything it is never to be surprised and what people are capable of.

Let me give you another example. I am currently writing this from Portugal, having headed off with the family for a late holiday. Great place Portugal, lovely people, fabulous weather and only about three hours flight from the UK so perfect for a week away.

Imagine my surprise when, as we are checking in a family discover that they have come to the wrong airport. Serious. I mean how the hell do people with enough brains to book a holiday to the Algarve manage to get all the way to the airport, laden with luggage, boarding asses in hand to discover that they have gone to Manchester airport instead of Leeds/Bradford airport.

Not only did they turn up at the wrong airport but so organised were they that they had booked a hotel nearby so that they did not have to travel to the airport the next day but were instead close by to allow them to sleep as late as possible and not face into getting up in the middle of the night to get there for the early flight.

On top of the hotel they had also made provision for parking for the week at the airport. At which point did they not think to be absolutely certain which airport they were flying from.

Honest, what sort of people must these be? The type that would vote for Brexit or Donald Trump? Truly they must be a special kind of thick right?

I shall tell you what sort of people they are if you have not already figured out where I am heading here, they are people like my wife and I because that is exactly what we have done. Instead of heading to the airport close to where we live we simply assumed that we were flying from the airport that we have used for our last 3 holidays and went there instead. We printed off all the boarding passes and holiday documentation and at no point actually checked it. We simply knew we had booked and paid for a holiday, that the flight left at 8.15am and that we needed to be on it.

It’s an expensive to make trust me, and £600 of new tickets and a few tears later we were on an alternate flight and despite missing our transfer we still managed to get to the resort just as the shuttle we would have been on arrived at the hotel.

You just never know what people are capable of do you…

Get down off there you’ll hurt yourself

As it turns out some people need to be told not to eat their lunch whilst sat on the toilet.

I am not such an oaf that I am unaware that I can at times be offensive. At times I am intentionally so if I feel strongly that someone or some thing does not deserve to be respected or is perhaps so laughable that to expect anything other than my ridicule would be offensive to me. Today I am going to touch on something that falls into the latter category.

A friend of mine works at the head office of one of the UK’s largest retail banks, and in his early years with the company getting to head office was seen as the holy grail and something to be aspired to. The Bathrooms had real towels he tells me with some enthusiasm. Having worked here for a decade now it is with some sadness that he explained to me that as he looks back things are not always as they seem. The full scale of the decline of the dream was apparently summed up this week by the photo below which he took in the 4^th floor bathroom and sent to me with the caption “This is how the Roman Empire fell”.

Now I realise that people are different, and I do my damnedest to be nice I really do but who the hell needs a sign putting up telling you not to stand on the bloody toilet seat to take a shit? The health and safety risks are pretty obvious I would hope…Imagine you topple forward and knock yourself out and some poor bugger from the search party finds you arse up covered in nasty as he peers over the top of the cubicle. No one gets over that. And what sort of aim to you need to have to make a successful deposit perched atop a fragile plastic seat arms braced against the cubicle walls? I am sure it’s quite an achievement when you nail it but the state of most public toilets would speak to the number of unsuccessful drop offs.

My point here though is not to ridicule each of the etiquette points, as easy as that would be. Instead I’ll talk about what I did next because, to be honest, it just gets more and more surreal. I googled “Why do people stand on the toilet to take a crap” and spend the next hour reading some of the most ridiculous shit (quite literally) I have ever come across. Perhaps I am just ignorant and crass and a quite horrible human being for what I am going to write next, and if so then so be it – at least I know how to go to the toilet.

Did you know that there is one faith that believes you should enter the toilet with the left foot and leave it with the right? What if you have one or no legs – you just go in your trousers? Apparently some believe that if two chaps are taking toilet time in adjoining cubicles they should under no circumstances speak to one another. Maybe it’s just me but I appreciate a little noise if I am in a public loo, it disguises all manner of things. Oh and these two chaps are also not allowed to touch their genitals with their right hand, look at each others genitals or eat whilst evacuating themselves. What sort of people must they be to need rules that say don’t eat a sandwich with your trousers around your ankles whilst looking at another mans balls whilst he’s on the loo. Serious now…

There are at least two of the major faiths that insist on a little prayer after they’re all done, one of them apparently thanks their deity for “relieving them of the filth and giving them relief”. This will be why there are children suffering with Leukaemia and aids not being divinely healed – god’s too busy helping a billion plus perch on top of lavvy seat to take a dump.

Now I know one should not believe everything one reads on the internet, but if one page I read is to believed then it is absolutely critical for a man to place a cotton bud the size of a piece of barley inside his penis to avoid drippage post urination. What sort of twisted bastard god insists on that? Apparently you should perhaps walk, cough or lie on your left side to fully empty the urethra. Have you seen the state of a lot of toilets? So not only do you have a cotton bud rammed down the end of your manhood but your nice new jacket is covered in piss and shit from lying on the motorway toilet floor coughing.

Quite happy to retract or correct this if the internet is lying about all of this but I think maybe it isn’t. Oh, and don’t get me started on that holiday I took to Greece once where I had to put the filthy loo roll in a basket next to the toilet. Do you know how hot it is in Greece? It’s frigging sweltering and …actually I will just keep that for next time.

I’m sorry but some days I really do despair…

Ronovan’s Weekly Haiku Challenge: Wrong & Touch

You know this will be inappropriate, I cannot help myself and I simply can’t deny the base creature that I am…

I can’t ignore a good haiku challenge. It will be uncomfortable going I am sure, but when it comes to inappropriate touching I will inevitably say things that some will not like.

Disciples of Christ

Touching children. It’s not wrong

if no one finds out

breathless lusting touch

is it wrong if it feels right?

cousin got pregnant

He wants to touch you

wrong? No, no – you asked for it.

Rapey old POTUS

Nope…all just a bit too easy.

RonovanWrites #Weekly #Haiku #Poetry Prompt #Challenge #172 Wrong&Touch

Oh Donald…

You’d think Donald would give you an endless source of things to write about right?

If you’ve read me for more than a day or two you know I like to write limericks about Donald trump. Yes I know he’s an easy target, but he provides such wonderful content that I cannot but want to.

Sadly though, it is getting harder and harder to do so. Before I have had chance to write about something the orange baby has done he goes and does something else even more ludicrous.

He recently managed to be quite awful to a war widow expressing that her husband had ‘Known what he was signing up for’ when he joined the military. Bad enough, but then he goes onto one of his stubby fingered twitter assaults to dispute the claims. “Okay” I am thinking, “I can perhaps wax lyrical about this!”. I then realised it was more than likely going to emerge that, by the time I pressed ‘publish’, he would already be on the twitter defending the alleged fake news that he had then thrust his diminutive hand between her legs, licked her mouth with that little pink tongue of his and exclaimed “and now I know what I’m getting into!”

The world’s gone mad I tell you !