This one’s about something that only happens to other people.
I went to Thailand once. This happened to someone else though. Not me.
Single chap I know lives with no cares
Drunk encounters each night, unawares
meets this lass in Bangkok
Got a terrible shock
Didn’t see adams apple, he swears
I am easily influenced, so here are even some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read.
I blame these on you lot for encouraging me…
A fine actor from Hollywood hailed
and young men he apparently nailed
one with mouth he did please
as he dropped to his knees
many more he’d seduce but he failed
Dairy sales man who worked in Calcutta
Had a mind that was oft in the gutter
Home he’d go self to please
Rub his bollocks with cheese
And his nipples he’d smother in butter.
There once was an old man from Chile
Now you’re thinking I’ll write of his willy
That would be rather sick
To write odes of old dick
I’m more grown up than that, don’t be silly…
An innocent chap from Taiwan
who kept puppies and sweets in a van
Gave away outside schools
Church bazaar’s, public pools
worse charity ever, stupid man!
Bloke next door has this girlfriend, most flirty
Who based on the noise, gets quite dirty
“God that stings” through the walls
Heard him shout, slips and falls
Bangs his head, seems she’s also quite squirty
Sorry. Kinda.
Just a few limericks thrown together whilst I was having my lunch today. Chicken salad, was quite good.
Some days I just want to lash out and the best I can muster is a limerick. Big tough guy eh …
Trump the crazy on tour out in China
Salivates, like he would at a diner
Watch out for him trust me,
He will grab yours you’ll see
then your mums and your grans – loves vagina!
A loony chap, Donald the POTUS
Went to Asia, the land of the lotus
Picked a fight with young Kim
With maniacal grin
Big appeal to the racist white voters
Gun control, says Big Don, you don’t need
Mental health caused these murders. Agreed?
Killed in Church? Thoughts and prayers
All he offers. Who cares?
Well not him nor his NRA pals – Greed!
I am easily influenced, so here are some of the limericks you certainly don’t want your kids to read and to be honest – are rather crude.
Okay…I think they’re R Rated, I’m not really sure. I mentioned the limericks I often don’t do here, and a number of you egged me on to do them. So for the first time I’ll publish a few.
There lived a young chap in Caracas
Who had swollen, enlarged quite red knackers
thought he’d best see the doc
who grabbed hold of his cock
and gave them a shake like maracas
A saucy fun temptress from China
spent her cash on a custom vagina
was so very good looking
but just no use for fucking
though she might just let you 69 her
A mechanic from North Carolina
had the hots for a big burly miner
left his family in shock
when he ‘fessed “it’s the cock
I just like it way more than vagina”
A vicar quite down on his luck
found a great way to make a quick buck
to the members he went
said “I need to pay rent,
for ten dollars I’ll give you a suck.”
A builder from Cork name of Shamus
had a monstrous and cavernous anus
in his bottom he placed
knives, forks, bowls cups and plates
now he’s massive on YouTube, quite famous
Sorry. Kinda.
A couple of limericks about adultery, one about a man with a small penis and one about middle aged spread.
Just a couple more limericks. Been rather tied up back end of this week and I went to the pub last night so all I have managed over the last few days are the limericks I scribble in my notebook when I am on a conference call of some description at work…
A bank robber from Toremelinos
stole to get cash for his penis
to enlarge was his wish
but the products are pish
now he’s locked up in jail with men, heinous
‘My Friend’ watches far too much telly
middle aged, double chins and round belly
legs and arms got quite thick
now he can’t see his dick
and his man boobs they jiggle like jelly
A husband one day proclaimed dead
seems his wife shot him right through the head
on his phone saw a text
“Banged your sister, you’re next!”
really made quite a mess of the bed
Farmers wife with a craving for men
got caught cheating again and again
hub quite angry threw fits
then he chopped her to bits
fed her parts to the pigs in his pen
For the sake of common decency there are things I would love to write but don’t. Here’s a sneak preview as to why…
If you’ve read me for any length of time you know I love limericks. Why? Because they’re such whimsical fun.
Mostly they just kind of appear in my head you know, without much effort. I will think of a theme, find a couple of words that rhyme and they just magically appear. Or maybe I have a start or an end line that makes me chuckle and I take it from there.
Now, there are a lot of limericks I do not write that rattle around brain. Some are just awfully filthy and/or just go too far in terms of good taste and seem rather crass. The English language is somewhat to blame too, because how am I supposed to not think of the obvious when suck, luck and fuck all rhyme.
You try not to write a limerick about Donald trump having his bottom fiddled with when famous and anus also go perfectly well together. it is not an easy thing and I am a weak man. Mostly I like to write those ones on public lavatory walls or teach them to other people’s young children.
Alas I must though have some sort of filter because whilst I don’t mind offending people it should never be done just for the sake of offence.
Anyway, here are a few of the starting or ending lines from some of them them – feel free to perhaps make up your own using them.
Some starts
A well endowed teacher called Rick
An uncle quite fond of incest
A woman with breasts double D
A preacher man down on his luck
There once was a woman quite fussy
and how about a few endings…
and exploded all over her face
and a penis the size of a marrow
and collapsed into bed with her dad
and a clitoris the size of a grape
and removing a shoe from his anus
anyway…sorry about that. I’ll go now.
Just a few limericks to get them out of my head. Camping, drugs and a couple of perverts are on teh menu today.
Just a couple of quickies…
A supplier of drugs most sublime
said “No ones cokes quite good as mine
and you’ll never go back
once you’ve tasted my crack
and my weed is undoubtedly fine”
There once was a pervert, Jaffar
who with puppies lured kids to his car
he got caught, locked away
and I’m quite glad to say
he got shanked in the showers, hoorah!
There once was a priest from Belize
Who’s penis hung down to his knees
but it only got used
on the boys he abused
gets beat nightly in jail, I’m quite pleased
A handy young camper from Kent
spent his weekends outdoors in a tent
but a wind came on through
ripped his home clean in two
left him soaked and confused, poles quite bent
This week I will be covering gender fluidity, inappropriate love for South American animals, naked dancing and of course…Donald Trump.
My friend met this lass one December
Gender fluid, trust me I remember
One day she’s a bloke
Next a woman, no joke
Took a lot to not always offend her him them shim …look, she had a lovely bottom and they were very happy and that’s all that matters right. Love is never simple but well worth the effort and labels really can get in the way sometimes.
X
A Peruvian who so loved his llama
When it died shipped it to an embalmer
When returned he was thrilled
Sexily posed and quite filled
Now he spoons it at night, sans pyjama
A naturist nun loved a giggle
and to dance and my word did she jiggle
Pendulous she would swing
Heaving breasts, quite the thing
And her bottom quite wildly she’d wiggle
There once was a POTUS called Trump
An orange small handed vile lump
Make things great? There’s no hope
Your wife’s boobs he will grope
And your sister he’ll most surely hump
just a few bits and pieces
A chap with a taste for wild nights
bought a hooker in basque and black tights
unprotected he played
wife found out that he’d strayed
came home scratched and all covered in bites
Young lovers but still in their teens
hormones on fire and tight jeans
got knocked up by mistake
what a big one to make
Oh well, so much for all of your dreams
A POTUS hailed “Son of a bitch”
as the players stood firm on the pitch
don’t you dare take a knee
it’s offensive to me
and my white privileged buddies, all rich
Yeah you know what time it is!
A quite lovely temptress from Dover
loved to frolic and roll in the clover
She would lie in the dew
with a fellow or two
caught a chill, went without a pullover
This molester in charge of the States
filled with anger and bile how he hates
The sick and the poor
and the blacks even more
and brown people with Mexican traits
A chap from Niece grew a large beard
said his wife “Love, it looks rather weird,
So perhaps have a shave
and in bed please behave
don’t come near me until that thing’s sheared.”
A butcher from Leeds who loved pies
Cant resist them, though trust me tries
Now his belly’s quite round
and his man boobs profound
and you should see the size of his thighs
Zoom zoom zoom
I don’t really have time to write this weekend as I am coordinating a rugby festival for 800 children but a few limericks occurred to me today so Ill just get these out of my head as I need to make some room for other things.
There once was a Farmer of note
had a thing, quite obscene, with a goat
Neighbours frowned, disapproved
as they did acts quite lewd
“We’re quite happy” he said, quote, unquote
Wrong I know but stuff happens. I lived on a farm and there was this cow with no ears and one day one of the lads who milked them was found…Actually no I’ll stop there.
A chap I know finds Santa scary
with his beard so big white and hairy
and his bulging great sack
and his lock picking knack
Christmas eve, keeps the lights on quite wary
anyway moving along swiftly. Let’s end with a Donald one. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know how much I like to write about him.
There’s this POTUS who loves groping mums
wives and sisters and aunties and nuns
You’ll be next, not discreet
he will send off a tweet
share his conquest of you with his chums
Goodnight 🙂
Edgar – A FFfAW word challenge
Courtesy of Free-Napster@pixabay
Not a piece I am particularly proud of but it is what it is. *Presses publish*
I know, my last piece was rather dark. So how about limericks to lighten the mood. This week I will be mostly considering terrorists and fundamentalist sorts who thinks the only way is their way.
Hmmm. I should probably delete that. All sounds just a bit angry.
An american chap who gets weird
if he sees a tanned bloke with a beard
thinks they all carry bombs
and oppress wives and moms
bought a gun, shot a few, as I’d feared
A bomber killed folk in God’s name
people think all his kind are the same
blew himself all to bits
what a right bunch of shits
But we cant give all Muslims the blame
Hmmm. Not as light hearted as I had hoped for.
A godly man fancied this kid
you’d be shocked at the bad things he did
but the church saw no crime
said “Don’t do it next time”
and made sure that his sins were well hid
Think I might be in a bit of a mood and rather judgemental. Oh well.
A fellow quite grumpy, a Brit
sat typing some quite nasty shit
think hes in quite a mood
maybe he needs some food
and a nap and to swear less, that’s it
Not a piece I am particularly proud of but it is what it is. *Presses publish*
Another day another limerick.
This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
I seem to hate Trump, ghastly man
And I write of his deeds when i can
I should really relax
but he seems to hate blacks
and the poor and the sick and Islam
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Another day another limerick.
This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
Orange faced oaf of much note
looks to hide how he’s stolen your vote
picking fights, talking shite
big applause from the right
“Crooked Hilary lost” hear him gloat.
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Another day another limerick.
This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
A house wife from Bradford called Jess
Caught her hub one day wearing a dress
How it made her eyes pop
So he’s having the op
Now her Trevor’s becoming a Tess
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Another day another limerick.
This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
There once was a kid, quite forlorn
Found a stash of his fathers best porn
Now he’s happy and glad
but his father’s quite mad
Cos the pages are sticky and torn
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Another day another limerick.
This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
There once was a chap from Japan
loved a lady but also a man
got the best of both worlds
when he found this Thai girl
called Petunia, but used to be Stan
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Another day another limerick.
This week…The lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
A suicide bomber names Bert
So frustrated, his testicles hurt
Blew himself into three
For the virgins you see
He was promised – tall, short, round and pert
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Another day another limerick.
This week…The lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.
Celibate, destined to be
Betrothed and in marriage set free
But it came to an end
When he banged her best friend
And said “join us babe, let’s make it three”
Want more stuff? I have lots of stuff…
I set myself a challenge this week…
Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies
Image courtesy of me
Afterwards 