Late Night Limerick – Get well soon and hope the Gonorrhoea clears up

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.


Oh poor lamb heard you’ve got gonorrhoea

And the symptoms they seem quite severe

Now it burns when you piss

You’d not bargained on this

When you paid for that hooker, oh dear

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

Sprained Wrist *wink wink* 

 

Hurt your wrist now you’Re feeling forlorn

Is it twisted or ligaments torn?

Now you know that we all

think its not from a fall

But from wanking all night watching porn

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Late Night Limerick – So you’ve got syphilis

Oh bloody hell no amount of get well soon cards are going to help with this one.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.


So you’ve got syphilis

This is as far as I got.   Just the title.  I started researching it right and oh my bloody hell it’s frigging awful.  I can happily write a stupid poem about it with little knowledge but I confess to never having really understood fully just what it entails.

I tell you it is quite awful.  It effects you for like forever and some of the things that happen to you are quite chilling.  Let’s just say that you could indeed look back at the day your dick nearly fell of and think “Aah, good times.”

Bloody hell, I’m stopping writing now and having a rum and going to bed.  Maybe 3 rums actually.

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Need a hand with that get-well-soon card?

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

 

Heard you ate something dodgy oh dear

and your stomach is feeling quite queer

Stay hydrated then rest

you’ll be back to your best

it’s not pleasant at all diahorrea

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You really should know better. You know who you are.

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Young and single and sexually free

Unprotected you play cos you see

You were  really quite thick

now  you’re grabbing youre dick

STD feel’s like fire when you pee

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

A variation on yesterday’s theme for you …

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Heard you had something dodgy to eat

Now your stomach’s not feeling so sweet

You just threw up your lunch

And your arse packs a punch

Get to toilet and please please don’t tweet

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You know this is what you really want to say

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps. 

 

Saw on facebook you’re not feeling good

Please indulge me this thought if you would

Get you’re arse off to bed

If you’re feeling so dead

‘stead of posting dumb updates, I would!

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Not sure what to put in a get well soon card? I’ll sort you out worry not.

 

 

This week they will be on the matter of getting well soon, so if you know someone who ails you are more than welcome to borrow them if you’re thinking of sending a nice card and some grapes perhaps.  Let’s ease in nice and slow with something pleasant shall we.  There’s plenty of time for it to go awry I assure you.

 

Oh poor thing I’ve just heard you’re quite ill

With a sneeze and a cough and a chill

I think stay tucked in bed

Chicken soup and some bread

if not better then perhaps take a pill.

 

See.  Not weird or anything.  Admittedly the first version ended with “and watch porn all day long, what a thrill.”  But no, that’s not unnecessary.  

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

And just like that we have a wholly inappropriate limerick about sailors.

I have wanted to use the phrase ‘gobbling on cocks’ for ages.  I think the picture makes it.

 

An alpha male type, macho guy

One day realised he may well be bi

Now he’s down on the dock’s

And he’s gobbling on cocks

Sailor three ways and all sorts he’ll try

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

Normal stuff again, nothing weird to see here thank heavens.

There once lived a lady named Jane

Who so loved to dance out in the rain

Got a cold, then a sniff

then pneumonia, quite stiff

now lies dead and no coat was to blame.

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

Okay back to more pleasant things!

After the last two days limericks I feel the need to just step back a touch and calm things somewhat.

There once was a gran who made mittens

Tiny things that you put upon kittens

Super cute, fluffy sweet

They’d cavort at her feet

If you see them you’d ‘Awwwww’ rather smitten

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

A Late Night Limerick

You people out there doing this…STOP! It’s just wrong!

This might make you gag a touch.  It’s apparently a real thing.  I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it but I will probably publish it anyway.  It’s not my fault people are weird.  I just write about it.

 

A young chap who worked at the zoo

Had an odd fascination with poo

He would take hand fulls home

Have a sniff, gasp and moan

Cavort naked, all caked such a thrill

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Cautionary limericks and one about that orange fool

just a few bits and pieces

 

 

A chap with a taste for wild nights

bought a hooker in basque and black tights

unprotected he played

wife found out that he’d strayed

came home scratched and all covered in bites

 

Young lovers but still in their teens

hormones on fire and tight jeans

got knocked up by mistake

what a big one to make

Oh well, so much for all of your dreams

 

A POTUS hailed “Son of a bitch”

as the players stood firm on the pitch

don’t you dare take a knee

it’s offensive to me

and my white privileged buddies, all rich

 


 

Blanketed in bliss

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Limerick o’clock!

Yeah you know what time it is!

A quite lovely temptress from Dover

loved to frolic and roll in the clover

She would lie in the dew

with a fellow or two

caught a chill, went without a pullover

 

This molester in charge of the States

filled with anger and bile how he hates

The sick and the poor

and the blacks even more

and brown people with Mexican traits

 

A chap from Niece grew a large beard

said his wife “Love, it looks rather weird,

So perhaps have a shave

and in bed please behave

don’t come near me until that thing’s sheared.”

 

A butcher from Leeds who loved pies

Cant resist them, though trust me tries

Now his belly’s quite round

and his man boobs profound

and you should see the size of his thighs


Love – FFFAW Challenge

After Dark Haiku – 29/9/2017

Faeries: The long winter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Screw you Haiku

Daily Haiku’s are so last month.  I think it’s time to bring back a more meaty haiku ensemble a little less frequently.

Daily Haiku’s are so last month.  I think it’s time to bring back a more meaty haiku ensemble a little less frequently.  The deal was to take the rather serious haiku form and treat it with a little disrespect and hopefully a dash of humour. 


Secret Santa? No?

You make baby Jesus cry

Ebeneezer scrooge!

 

Doing shots, fun times

Chug chug, life of the party

threw up on the bed

 

Oh bugger my subconscious seems to be wandering to Christmas already.  No, no, no – that simply will not do!  

 

Got the kids a dog

cavorting, barks of delight

urine stained carpets

 

Taking out the trash

cabbage juice on my good shoes

bloody cheap bin bags

 

That’s more like it.  tales of the mundane.  Maybe 3 more.  That’s like a weeks worth of daily late night haiku right there.  

Need inspiration

Check Donald T’s twitter feed

juices flowing now

 

Donald: Players must stand

Women, non whites, poor, sick and

Muslim can kneel though

 

Oh Orange moron

with your juicy puckered lips

just ripe for prison

 

I know, enough is enough.

 


Your lunchtime limerick 30/9/17

Late night limericks 

My neighbour Ifraheem

Your lunchtime limerick 01/10/17

Another day another limerick.

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

I seem to hate Trump, ghastly man

And I write of his deeds when i can

I should really relax

but he seems to hate blacks

and the poor and the sick and Islam

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 30/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

Orange faced oaf of much note

looks to hide how he’s stolen your vote

picking fights, talking shite

big applause from the right

“Crooked Hilary lost” hear him gloat.

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 29/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

A house wife from Bradford called Jess

Caught her hub one day wearing a dress

How it made her eyes pop

So he’s having the op

Now her Trevor’s becoming a Tess

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 28/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

 

There once was a kid, quite forlorn

Found a stash of his fathers best porn

Now he’s happy and glad

but his father’s quite mad

Cos the pages are sticky and torn

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

The great plan of the gods

Apparently, all terrible things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago my family and I were invited to dinner at a rather fabulous Indian Restaurant in Leeds by one of the chaps who works for me to say thanks for the support I gave him whilst he was fighting thyroid cancer.

During the course of the meal, I think just after the quite delicious lamb main course had arrived,  his friend remarked that Allah most certainly had a plan for him and whilst he had given him the cancer in the first place he had also taken it away.

How very kind I thought, and it struck me that this Allah fellow sounds a whole lot like Jesus’ dad don’t you think.  He’s often attributed with giving children leukaemia and such to prove that all things happen for a reason and then turning up with jazz hands and a big old “Taadaa” when things are all cleared up to take the credit for a job well done and to check in on what lesson you’ve learned whilst watching your child suffer excruciating pain.

“He sounds like a bit of a dick” I said to my wife afterwards.  She suggested I be a little more respectful of other people’s beliefs, and because of how rude I can be she would be taking back the kidney she given me a few years ago to teach me a lesson.

I am happy though to say that my friend is now fit and well, regardless of who fixed him up.  I do hope the doctors send some sort of thank you card to a god of one description or another because it really was quite good of whoever stepped in to take this potentially life ending disease back.

Perhaps though him and the other gods would be so kind as to stop giving people awful diseases, because the doctors would have considerably less to do and they could maybe get a little more golf in.

Oh, and she never gave me a kidney – but you knew that right 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Photo courtesy of Geralt at Pixabay.

Your lunchtime limerick 27/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week the lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

There once was a chap from Japan

loved a lady but also a man

got the best of both worlds

when he found this Thai girl

called Petunia, but used to be Stan

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 26/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week…The lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

A suicide bomber names Bert

So frustrated, his testicles hurt

Blew himself into three

For the virgins you see

He was promised – tall, short, round and pert

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me

Your lunchtime limerick 25/9/17

Another day another limerick.

 

This week…The lunchtime limerick subject will be desire or something kind of inappropriate.

Celibate, destined to be

Betrothed and in marriage set free

But it came to an end

When he banged her best friend

And said “join us babe, let’s make it three”

 


Want more stuff?  I have lots of stuff…

I set myself a challenge this week…

Fatties in space – The Poem. Not for kiddies

Glorious – Daily Prompt

 

Image courtesy of  me