Dieting. 3.

Let’s give it another go eh

Okay so I’m going to double up on the posts on this to get caught up so I can post daily on the matter if I so choose.

2 days in and the worse thing I have put into my mouth was a cheeky spoonful of that chicken pie I wrote about last time which my eldest had for his tea.  That’s not bad because a lot of you have done a damn site worse.

Yes you.  You know who you are.  Don’t make me add a winky face to make my point.

There have been natural yogurts, salads, omelettes and all manner of things that seemed in a relatively unprocessed form.  Novel I know.  I even resisted the work Christmas Dinner in the canteen today and had a salad box instead.

The salad itself was fine and I felt fairly full afterwards.  I was though really confused about something called QUINOA.

What the bloody hell is that.  As if couscous isn’t bad enough with its bland offensiveness they went and slipped this stuff in there.  I thought it looked okay, and hoped perhaps it might be a little spicy.  It wasn’t.

Four hours later I am still finding bits of it in my mouth and in my clothes as I was forced to try spit it out and got it all over myself.  What the hell is it?  It managed to absorb all the moisture in my mouth and left me really rather parched indeed.

I’m assuming none of you have eaten it as you all seem quite happy types.

Anyway, it was just a quickie tonight.  I think I am going to bed – I need to hydrate and get my strength up because it is the official Christmas Dinner tomorrow and I am assured there is no quinoa on the menu.

x

 

I is for i-spy

You can shove your i spy!

Before I get into this I would make the point that I love my boys very much and would do just about anything for them.

If in doubt understand that I will regularly unclog their toilet –  which they seem to prefer to only flush every third or fourth visit – with only minimal shouting and threats.  Look closely and you will see that the bonds of love are such that I have been known to tidy their rooms for them and only remind them once or twice that the option of adoption remains on the table until they are 18.

Still to be convinced?  My heart overflows with love so abundant that only recently I was witnessed preparing them 3 meals in a single day.  That’s true human kindness right there…

That said, there are limits and those limits come in the form of board games.  I really do not enjoy one bit sitting down with the family for an evening of board games and frivolity.  It takes almost no time at all for me to upset somebody because I refuse to let somebody win because they’re ‘only little’.  Play against kids of your own age if that’s how you want to roll but as far as I am concerned you want me to play, I will play to crush you.  Ideally I will make you never want to play board games with me ever again.

I know it makes me a terrible person.  I will pay for their therapy when they are older.  Might also explain why we have a cupboard full of unused board games.

The wife likes to play with the boys when I am away though, which is nice.

And don’t get me started on bloody i-spy.  As if driving in this country isn’t hard enough with it’s constant roadworks and sheer weight of traffic…I travel miles and miles having to try and guess the quite ridiculous things my youngest apparently spies.

Get lost Thomas you didn’t spot Batman, T is not for “Tornado” and you can get stuffed if you believe that you saw a clown in the car that went past us 5 miles ago.  You’re a liar and your lies make baby Jesus cry!

And don’t go crying to mum when I insist that Psoriasis begins with a P, and you’re no doctor so the dry skin on my elbows could well be something more serious and your diagnosis is worthless because you are only 9.

😉

 

 

 

Dieting. 2.

Let’s give it another go eh

Okay, so I posted about my intentions with regards to weight loss and one day in it went okay.  I had more fruit than I normally would, I had a chicken Caesar wrap for lunch and for dinner pilchards on toast.   There was plenty of water and I had a small bag of nuts and seeds because I apparently need to get more good cholesterol in me.

So that’s all very positive.  I will admit though I so wanted to eat that delicious looking chicken pie sat looking at me whenever I open the fridge.  It just screams “eat me you fat bastard, ram me into your hungry hole right now and to hell with your high blood pressure because you know I am going to taste so damned good.”

Pies are awful creatures they really are.  I was once set upon by two sausage and tomato pies and a Cornish pasty and it took all my efforts to fight them off and devour them (all in self-defence I might add).

Aah good times.

Oh and how hard I had to resist buying a trifle when I popped to the shops.  If I had bought it I know for a fact that I would have found myself eating it wearing only my underpants stood in front of the fridge at 3am, waking with a custard moustache and wondered why I wasn’t in the mood for breakfast.

Custard moustache…ha.  Sounds like a sex act.

“Yeah man I took her back to my place and she gave me a custard moustache…”

Anyway, the struggle is real trust me.

But I didn’t, instead I did the things I know I need to do and have also started today with porridge.  I sexed it up with a few raisins and a sprinkling of coconut.  Rock and roll baby!

Wonder if I can now get into those jeans I haven’t been able to squeeze into for years.  It has been an entire day after all.

Dark Christmas – Donkey

My favourite Christmas carol has always been ‘Little Donkey’

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

I shared today’s post with my youngest Thomas and he came up with this.  Tom is 9 and seems to rather enjoy trying his hand at poetry.  Good work boy!

Donkey travelled through the night

On his back he carried heavenly light

The little heroes name was Kevin

And he carried the boy from heaven

 

Below is my effort.  I think Tom did a better job.  I’m going for a free form morbid nihilist first donkey perspective kind of vibe.  I think I smashed it.

What?  It’s a thing…Donkey’s can write poetry you know, they just don’t write it down because of the hooves.    

 

Long dark roads

Dust and despair fill my every waking hour

Family and friends long forgotten

We eat through the miles

We pass through the night

They rest on my back as we follow the star

 

No food no water no hope

Onwards they drive me

Through the night towards day break

 

Silver and gold spill across the land

Day brings scorching heat

I wish I was dead

 

 

Ive never written free form before.  I think it shows.

Dances with elves – Room 101

The colour spilled from Nick’s usually ruddy cheeks as he pushed open the dorm room door.

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.

The colour spilled from Nick’s usually ruddy cheeks as he pushed open the dorm room door.

“What the… ” he exclaimed marching in and shoving a small man in a cowboy outfit hard in the chest.  “Explain yourself”.

The man, probably in his seventies, wore a sly grin on his face and a large bulge in his jeans.  “We were just dancing sir” he said “We met at the mall and your colleagues suggested they could help me with my bulging Christmas sack.”

“Get out of here you sick bastard” Nick shouted shepherding him from the room, “leave my elves alone!”

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Carrot Ranch Random Words Challenge

107 words using ‘Acid Rain’. Easy enough right?

Wednesday dipped the nose of his tractor and sent her plunging straight through the heart of the cloud.

The radio crackled into life, “how’s it going up there mate?”

“Still early days Stella” he replied as the dash gauges confirmed he’d pulled in nearly three litres on that run.

“We need this Wednesday, everything depends on you cloud farmers.”

“I know” he snapped as he brought her around for another pass, heart racing.

“You got any quality readings yet?”

He held his breath as the sample data began to load onto his HUD.

“Negative” he cursed as the data finished loading, “acid rain, I repeat acid rain.”

Carrot Ranch Twitter Challenge

This was part of the carrot ranch challenge to write a series of tweets all 9 words each.  11 of them to make a 99 word flash fiction.  I managed to get the structure wrong as it was meant to be just 1 sentence but I enjoyed tweeting it anyway.

 Oct 19

Omg date tonight with yummy coffee shop Barista. Eeeek.

 Oct 19

Getting ready! Three hours, theatre bound. First date panic!
 Oct 19

He took my coat, his hand brushed mine.

 Oct 19

Lights off phone off show time. Sharing popcorn. Swoon.

 Oct 19

rudely interrupted. Disturbance in the foyer. Police here?!?!

 Oct 19

More

Getting the hell out of here. Wtf people dead!

 Oct 19

Mum were heading home. Stay away from town

 Oct 19

More

They’re everywhere. No way out. Police overwhelmed, finding shelter.

 Oct 19

More

Just saw an old lady eating a police horse…

 Oct 19

More

bitten. Hiding in Gregg’s bar. Scared mum, help!

 Oct 19

More

He looks hungry. Worst first date EVER! goodbye…

Dieting. 1.

Let’s give it another go eh

So it turns out that after posting about dieting here and here I did very little about the matter.   There were a few apples and some lighter lunchtime options enjoyed at work when I set out but there were also loose handfuls of quality street chocolates and overflowing plates of pie and mash washed down with mince pies and stollen.

Sadly it turns out a salad on a Tuesday will not in any way make up for a McDonalds Big Tasty on a Wednesday.  And yes, I went large.

In some ways that is almost enough to convert me from my atheist ways.  Only a force of pure evil would make a mouth watering burger total 1300 calories and a light ham salad with a splash of vinaigrette a mere 250.  If such evil exists then surely there is a balance of goodness out there somewhere.

Anyway I am thinking that if I write about it a little more then perhaps that will make me feel somewhat more accountable.   Or maybe a lot more.  I know you will all be frightfully encouraging too.

So keep an eye out for how it goes, might be fun.

Perfectly Imperfect – Room 101

Trash cans spilled over, their contents whipped into the sky as the air fizzed and crackled. 

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.  I know I said I was done with them.  I lie.  Probably should have wrote this in October but hey ho, better late than never.  Think it works rather well as an idea given the prompt.

Joseph stood before the mirror, the face staring back a contorted mockery of his former self.  He tried to smile and he raised a trembling hand to his face, slowly running his fingers along the scars.

He still remembered the pain as the fire tore through his flesh, the smell as it cooked and melted his face filling his nostrils until they too succumbed to the heat.

He turned away unable to look any more, he was too grotesque and the memories too painful.

Grabbing his coat he headed outside, at least it was Halloween and he didn’t need a mask.

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Colleen’s Tanka Tuesday: Bells & Past

I don’t take many things seriously but I am going to make a concerted effort to do Colleen’s challenges properly.

Colleen’s Tanka Tuesday

I don’t take many things seriously as you probably know but I am going to make a concerted effort to do Colleen’s challenges properly.  I have scant regard for the correct use of haiku and often do such beastly things to them but I think it is also important to show appreciation for the little blighters because they are so fabulous when done right.

 

This week the challenge was to use synonyms for BELLS and PAST.  I used ALARM and BYGONE.  And its about change so that is another box ticked, and it is in the first person so I am thinking I have the structure and subject just about nailed at least.

 

And I have not written about bodily functions, illness, politics or any such thing.  I have stuck to nature, just as our diminutive haiku masters intended.  Oh and this is a Tanka, so a haiku with extra lines because of reasons.

Natures morn’ alarm

Days bygone and days to come

The morning herald

Calling me to the day ahead

My sweet morning concerto

 

Ok so originally I had wanted to write the one below but as I said, serious stuff indeed!

 

Natures morn’ alarm

Days bygone and days to come

The morning herald

Calling me to the day ahead

Shitting all over my car

 

Michael 😊

Donald Monday – on Tuesday.

A quick Tuesday shenannigan

I know I’ve written about this stuff before but it remains fun to challenge myself to search for the perfect limerickian expression to encapsulate certain subjects. I’ll miss them when it is all over I am sure.

Anyway, given that its time for the Alabamians to potentially elect a serial molester to the senate here’s something a little longer.  Limericks ahoy!

 

There’s this POTUS with wandering hands small

Seems he’s fondled women one and all

So watch out here he comes

Fondling grans, daughters, mums

‘cos he’ll grab yours fat, thin, short or tall

 

Young girls he gives to Roy his mate

Thinks at 14 they’re ready to date

He prefers them much younger

Such a vile paedo hunger

And soon could be in the Senate

 

Ron I bet Don would love Alabama

Cos he’d spend all day fondling your gramma’

And he bring round some teens

And you’d cream in your jeans

And then head off to church with your Mamma

 

But it’s fine, the GOP say its forgiven

By the saviour, apparently risen

And besides they’re just men

Least they’re not a damned Dem

It’s the Clinton’s who should be in prison…

 

Dark Christmas – Nice

Theres someone in your house and he means to do you harm…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

Red clad he stalks outside your home

He sneaks in while you sleep

Your kids he watches in their beds

through frosted windows peeps

 

You lock your doors and fasten shut

Your windows for you dread

Into your home he will still come

And find you in your bed

 

He looks for reasons, punishment

Will follow have no doubt

If you raise you voice or dare to cry

And god forbid you pout

 

For down your chimney he will come

His clothes all stained with black

And lingers in your living room

There with his bulging sack

 

He spills his goods upon your floor

They’re all the things you need

All wrapped with bows and glittery

The symbols of your greed

 

And unto him you pledge yourself

And worship at his throne

To him you pledge eternal self

Until he calls you home

 

Then in his workshop you will slave

and he feeds upon your pain

and day and night you’ll toil until

December comes again

 

Dingle Berries

Honestly, nothing to see at all.

I have done a lot of prompts and am almost never stumped but this one has me.  It is one of M’s December ones found here.  Now this is not because I cannot come up with something, I am quite sure I can but no matter what every time I sit down to write it feels like rather loud mouthed fellow sits on the desk in front of me kegs akimbo and starts to shout rather loudly that I’m crazy about dingle berries, and I am not.  He is accusatory and mean and makes me feel rather bad about myself.

Now, I gave it some thought and I think that this tells me that I do in fact have a filter of sorts – something I am often accused of lacking.

I have researched the differing meanings of dingle berry – and there are a few – but the unpleasant one is the only one I can think of.  So much so that I have revisited this post every day for four days now and no matter how I try my work always seems to involve things that are most unpleasant. More unpleasant than usual.  There was one where there was a glass full of them and another where one fell into someones mouth when they were sleeping.

I think I will just move on to the next one prompt.  Google it though if you’re not sure.  It’ll make sense.

Sorry.

H is for Home

I have lived in a fair few places in my life.

I have lived in a fair few places in my life.  Hull, Secunda, Mossel Bay, Grahamstown, Oudtshoorn, Knysna, Immingham, Barton-Upon-Humber, Sheffield, Sowerby Bridge, Brighouse and Halifax.  Not the one in Nova Scotia.   I think that’s all of them.

My instinct here is to explore the phrase that ‘home is where the heart is’, and looking back all of those places – perhaps with the exception of Hull (Which I left when I was 10) and Halifax (where I live now) – felt rather temporary.   I have very few, though definitely some, memories that I look back upon with fondness, and try as I might I find myself hard pressed to remember the feeling of content I have where I live now.

Perhaps it is the stage in my life that I find myself at, the life I have made for myself and the physical surroundings that all together make my current home something different to everything that has gone before.  It is not a fancy house by any means, only a small terrace in an average part of an average norther town but it is mine.  Or ours, as I share it with my wife and children.  It is the place that we have made our home for the last ten years and where the memories that mean the most to me have been made.

It is where I have watched my boys grow up, each room filled with magical memories of at least one of them covering it in vomit.  It is the place where I have threatened to paint and put up shelves and trust me, I will get round to it I promise.  When we are long gone somebody will pull up the carpets and see the large cock I drew on the wooden floors in the back bedroom.

We renovated it from top to bottom recently, and put everything we had into it to make it the place that we could spend the next decade though there is perhaps still not quite enough room for my comic collection.  Oh, and don’t get me started on the collection of things at the bottom of the stairs up to the kids bedrooms.

It is about more than just the four of us though, it is the place where my wife and I have made new friends and welcomed them into our home and been so very grateful when they have eventually left because we do rather like the peace and quiet too.

When I go out I see so many people that I know from the community, and I feel like I belong here and am part of the community and proudly so.

I love where I live, the house I live in and the people I share it with and who knows, maybe we would have been happy in any of the myriad of places I have lived but to me this one is special.

 

Next time…I is for i-spy

 

 

 

Donald Monday – Part Deux.

Its time for more of your favourite urine stained vagina grabbing golf playing King of the US of A!

 

There’s this chap who this week in the News

bought the vote of American Jews

add to those of the right

cos he’s ever so tight

with the racists to fight off the Blues.

 

Another? That one was a little clumsy…

 

Alabama sweet home of the Skyn

to the polls and I think Moore might win

cos a paedo you see

beats a Dem quite easy

in GOPS eyes fiddling kids ain’t a sin.

 

Happy Monday 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Conspicuous Coincidences – Room 101

Trash cans spilled over, their contents whipped into the sky as the air fizzed and crackled. 

Let’s do another month of M’s prompts shall we.  101 words allowed only.  I know I said I was done with them.  I lie.  Oh and this has more than 101 words.  Sue me.

Trash cans spilled over, their contents whipped into the sky as the air fizzed and crackled.  Damien  emerged through the blue hue of the portal behind ‘Mac’s Diner” and looked about checking that no one was about.  Clean ups really were a pain in the arse.

He checked his watch, buttoned his long dark coat and pulled his cap over his eyes as the portal swirled closed behind him and disappeared with a POP!

“Twenty one fifteen” he said to himself heading down the alley fingering the 9mm pistol in his pocket.  The steel felt reassuringly cold and smooth.  All he needed to do was stop himself  from making the biggest mistake of his life and everything would be different.  He wouldn’t have to spend a lifetime fixing the mess he was about to make.

He watched from the alley until he saw himself pull up in the old Lincoln he’d borrowed from a friend that night.  All he needed to do was to delay him long enough for Mac to close up and leave safely.

Snow began to fall as Damien crossed the road, the neon glow of the diner lights extinguished as he made his way towards the car.  Approaching he saw his younger self, the glow of a cigarette illuminating his face in the darkness.  God he looked so innocent.

He approached the car, his feet leaving soft tracks in the falling snow, and knocked on the window.  He made himself jump and then the window rolled down.

“What?” his younger self said.

“You got a light?”

Damien took the lighter he was offered and lit his cigarette.  A few minutes longer and Mac would be away.  He handed it back taking care not to reveal too much of his face.

“Cold night huh” he said returning the lighter.

“Sure” he answered winding up the window.

Damien left his arm inside the window as it raised slowly.  “Hey buddy, move along “ his younger self said sharply.  “Beat it.”

Damien pulled the gun from pocket and raised it. “Just sit where you are and don’t move” he said taking a step back from the car.  “Don’t do anything okay kid.”

Damien took a deep drag of his cigarette.  Suddenly, he flicked it and reached for the door pushing it open wildly.  It slammed against the arm of his older self, the pistol flying from his hand and skidding across the road.  A glimmer of steel flashed in the streetlight as he stepped from the car.

Damn, he had forgotten how fast he used to be.

He stumbled to his feet and staggered to where the gun lay half buried, head spinning and the crunch of racing footsteps in the snow.  His survival instincts kicked in, and falling forward he reached for the weapon and rolled onto his back bringing it to bear on himself and fired off two quick shot.

As the shells hissed in the snow he crashed down on top of himself, the knife falling from his hand.  Lying on top of his killer his younger self looked into the eyes of the man beneath him, and in that moment a look of recognition flashed across his face.

“Oh Fu…” Damien said as he felt his younger self go limp, his body already disappearing into nothingness…

 

 

Photo courtesy of pixabay

Dark Christmas – Journey

Christmas with a little something extra thrown in just because…

Some interesting prompts over at Mindscapes  Thought I would do something a little different on the Christmas themes.

mindescapes Christmas Challenge 2017

With a hey and a ho

To Bethlehem they go

Cos it seems theres some count or some such

And he grumbles and moans

Of the distance he groans

And the stress he is finding too much

 

Cos she wont give him none

but she’s now 9 months gone

and insists she’s not been with another

she persists it’s not lies

that it came from the skies

he’s convinced that she’s been with his brother

 

He had wanted to leave

But no one would believe

She’s a cheat and she won’t meet his need

So he’s stuck, trapped he feels

As his wife she reveals

That god’s filled her right up with his seed

 

“Oh come on he insists

Do you think I am pissed”

Grabs the donkey and loads her on board

“If it looks like my brother

Then Im telling my mother

That you lied and that you are a fraud”

“Babe I promise” she sighs

“It was god twixt my thighs

I’d not cheat” and she feeds him a grape

But he rants quite aggrieved

And he just wont believe

“You ask me, sounds a whole lot like rape!

 

“Oh sweet Joe” and she smiles

And she charms with her wiles

And he sighs, his hot loins are still urging

He’d  just wanted some fun

Now she’ll soon be a mum

Him a dad, but they’re both still a virgin

 

His friends think that he’s mad

And will soon be a Dad

To a kid which he didn’t create

And he feels quite forlorn

And it soon will be born

and he’s trapped and this really ain’t great

 

So they take to the road

Donkey carries the load

And he thinks, “guess I’m stuck this is it”

They ride into the night

And a star it shines bright

His heart heavy and feeling quite shit…

Carrot Ranch Rodeo Challenge 5

In Challenge 5 of the Carrot Ranch Rodeo, writers were tasked with writing a complete 99-word story using Twitter.

In Challenge 5 of the Carrot Ranch Rodeo, writers were tasked with writing a complete 99-word story using Twitter. Of course, they couldn’t make it that simple. Every #Twitterflash story also had to be 11 sentences with exactly 9 words each.  This was my effort which was singled out by one of the judges which I was dead chuffed about.

Is anyone else seeing what I’m seeing out there?

If this is how things end I’m getting drunk!

Apparently they come in peace, but my mate Jed’s disappeared!

How drunk am I because I think Im #insideaspaceship

I’ve managed to evade them, is anyone reading this?

Ive found Jed, watching him from an air vent.

Sweet Jesus, they seem to be probing him now!

How the dickens did they fit that in there!?!?.

I think the bloody things are laughing you know.

Oh bloody hell they’ve spotted me, PLEASE SEND HELP!

The visitors are our friends and come in peace.

C. Jai Ferry (@CJaiFerry) commented:

“#PickALineAnyLine! If I had seen any of these lines on Twitter, I would have immediately clicked to read more. Each line is a story in itself, and I had to read faster and faster to see how it all worked out.”