Tag: silly

Amorous affections – In the Dark 22

The devil made me do it.

Another month of M’s writing prompts lies ahead.  I did them all in December but was less successful in January.  Let’s see how we do in February shall we.

You can see the prompts here.

 

Gentle and tender his caress

pulse races, in his arms

Undying love he will confesses

He’ll never do her harm

 

She swears she’s his, her searching done

He knows that she’s the one

His roaming days are left behind

She’s his summer and his sun

 

She melts as lips, so soft and warm

Meet hers and deep she sighs

Her stomach flips, does somersaults

She’s lost inside his eyes

 

And under sun, both warm and bright

He knows she’ll be his bride

She bites her lip, and whispers sweet

“pop two fingers inside”

Screw you haiku

slowly easing myself back into senryu and haiku of a more ridiculous kind.

The haiku, so proud, tight, formal. So little saying so much.  Mostly though I like to defile them with the ridiculous.  Oh, and I know they’re probably Senryu.  I struggle with boundaries a bit.

 

Flushed cheeks ,brow sweating

Tears down your cheeks,  fire burns

Tikka masala…

Love you haiku 18 February

A piece where I mention turkey wattle in an inappropriate way

As a balance to the inevitable  avalanche of love and tenderness spewing into your WordPress feed this week I bring you these.

 

Heart beating, mouth dry

knotted stomach, hands trembling

Love?  Food poisoning?

Love you haiku 17 February

A piece where I mention turkey wattle in an inappropriate way

As a balance to the inevitable  avalanche of love and tenderness spewing into your WordPress feed this week I bring you these.

 

 

Tender caresses

Kisses planted in the dark

Grunts, rolls over, snores

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

There once was a waiter named skip

tried so hard, customers did not tip

paid the bill, left and sneered

got run over, car veered

ran them down, both now dead, what a trip!

 

Remember, always tip!

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

As it is Saturday I will, rather than do full limericks as I have been doing all week, just give you a taste of the opening lines I did not use this week.  I don’t think they need explaining…

 

So your penis got caught in your zip.  (I’d lined up rip, snip, bleed and seed to go with it)

What this gun?  Oh don’t worry it’s fine

Heard you got back from hols and have aids

Saw your wife wow her butt has got huge

 

Anyway…have a nice Saturday wherever in the world you are!

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

Heard your wife ran away with your brother

and your father changed sex, extra mother

and your sister got nicked

down the docks sucking dicks

you caught an STD from a lover

 

Such bad luck you poor thing I feel sad

oh no wait, I dont feel slightly bad

cos you bullied at school

were an absolute tool

hope it’s syphilis and it drives you mad

 

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

 

Such a shame that you’ve lost all your cash

on the markets, who knew that they’d crash

I cant lend you some, no

and this just goes to show

just be careful with that kind of stash

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

Heard your kids been excluded, the fool

broke the pesky no strong liquor rule

when young yours were devine

so much better than mine

as you said every time outside school

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

There once was a lovely young lad

found his missus in bed with her dad

said he “Babe it’s quite gross”

she replied “were just close”

that they never had kids he’s quite glad

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Revenge Limericks

Isn’t it great when bad things happen to terrible people.

This week my mind turns to revenge and perhaps, for that special someone who has slighted you and has now finds themselves in a pickle.  Maybe you want to send them a nice card with a limerick expressing how sad you are that they have had such a lousy spell of bad luck.

Heard you’re no longer with John my ex

it tuns out he just used you for sex

you poor thing you must hurt

you’re just boobs in a skirt

loves young dream all now totally wrecked

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

Room to swing a cat

Not that I would. But if I had to.

People are forever musing on here aren’t they. You can’t swing a cat without encountering musings of one description of another.

Not that I would advocate swinging cats.  I would not.  I don’t even know where that saying comes from.  Perhaps it was an old way of measuring things?   Now again I repeat that I would not but if I were to swing an animal then it would probably be something a little more manageable like a tortoise or a guinea pig.  Cats are notoriously averse to being swung and have far too many sharp and pointy bits to be buggering around with trying to work out how wide your living room is to see if your new sofa will fit.

If I absolutely had to know whether the new 3 piece would squeeze through the door then I would punt for a measuring tortoise.  They are a bit short of  purchase points though so it’s probably wise to put it in some sort of cloth sack to swing it thereby reducing the chance of losing one’s grip and sending the measuring tortoise soaring through a window.  Last thing you want is glass all over and having to use something a little smaller to then measure the window so you can order new glass.  If you were in need of measuring a window though, and again this is just hypothetical, then I reckon a squirrel would do the job.  Red though not grey, the grey ones are a a bit feisty.  If you cant get your hands on a squirrel then maybe try a hamster.  A red squirrel is generally equal to 2 hamsters.

Just for reference the Tortoise in the picture above is equal to 7 red squirrels, so 14 hamsters.  Or is that a turtle?  Doesn’t matter they are pretty much interchangeable.

Oh and for those living in hot countries, do not use a lizard because we all know their tails fall off and the sight of the orphaned tail wriggling about will likely upset the kids.  Unless of course you can get your hands on a chameleon they work really well as they move pretty slowly though can be a bugger to find once you’ve put them down.  A friend of mine who lays carpets swears by chameleons but goes through two or three a month.

Not that I would though.  What a ridiculous and rather cruel idea.

Besides, everybody knows the old fashioned way of measuring things was by swinging small soot faced children, recently emerged from cleaning chimneys or making smocks and bed caps.

 

Sir Brian of the Small Hands

Its not really all it seems

Its a tale, old and true, through the ages to you

a man good, brave and noble quite grand

he’s from stories of old, and songs sung and yarns told

stout of heart but alas such small hands

 

From when he was a lad, he would say to his dad

One day I,  will for sure, be a knight

But alas his dad feared and he scratched his long beard

Not convinced that in fact his son might

 

For his hands so quite small, even though he was tall

And a sword he could surely not hold

It would fall from his grip, to the ground it would slip

Left defenceless alone in the cold

 

“Perhaps it’s not for you” , said his dad, his heart blue

“Maybe you should consider your trade

Jesters are in demand and with your tiny hands

You would surely have your fortune made

 

You can dance, perform tricks, they will laugh, give you tips

You can jape, as they point at your fingers

Dressed as harlequin king, telling jokes then you sing

Of the Celts cross the sea, all such gingers

 

Okay so I will stop there.  Ever start a post and persist and persist and then realise you’re wasting your time?  Well this was one of those.  For some reason I got into my head that a poem about a knight with small hands called Brian would be a good idea.  I like to think I am pretty creative but beyond the title that is all I had.  I started to write and got a few nicely rhymed bits done and then kind of backed myself into a corner.

Instead of stopping what I did was keep going which was a bad idea because beyond King, knight and jester I wasn’t wholly convinced of what other jobs you’d have in medieval times.  Priest?  Blacksmith?  Boil Lancer?  Pot Emptier?  So another bad idea there obviously.

I did toy with the ridiculous and there will forever be remembered the missing verse where I discussed just how much bigger things seem when held in small hands.  I thought for a while that it was funny then realised it sounded like it involved a child’s hands and a grown mans…well you know.  I quickly deleted it.

I was then going to try and make it some sort of political commentary on Donald Trump which just made me think that I should perhaps shut the hell up because there are limits to weirdness and an allegorical tale about Donald Trump through the medium of a small handed knight is just stupid.

So this is it.  A lesson in knowing when to say enough is enough because as much as you might like your title and the noble looking photo you found on pixabay sometimes there just aren’t enough words to rhyme with hands…

 

Maria the Cake Wrangler

Not sure where that came from…

Ive a story to tell, settle down listen well

Tis a tale of a woman of needs

And the cravings inside, which have made her quite wide

And the treats upon which she so feeds

 

Now Maria’s her name, and cake wrangling’s her game

Shes a pro, every day on her lips

Whether Gateau’s or pies, small or massive in size

Cream and chocolate into her mouth drip

 

She’s mad for banoffee, and small cupcakes with coffee

She’ll do things rather dirty for choux

Muffin gobbler is she, has cream horns with her tea

Panettone?  Just a portion or two

 

Of red velvet she’ll dream and she quaffs it with cream

And then onto some sweet baklava

She hides brownies in bed, and loves sweet pumpkin bread

Stashes souffle down inside her bra

 

Doughnuts, pancakes and tarts, cookies shaped just like hearts

And on shortbread she eats quite her fill

Gives hand jobs for yum yums, taste so sweet on her tongue

For a fruit cake she’d happily kill

 

For no matter the treat, just as long as it’s sweet

Our Maria she needs to eat more

Sponge cake, jam filled with cream they’re an absolute dream

The cake wrangler can’t help but adore

A get well soon limerick

Silly and crass and most immature

Sometimes a limerick is all you need to say get well soon…

 

Oh poor baby I hear you caught syphilis

from that woman you slept with at Christmas

and gave it to you your wife

and it’s ruined your life

but at least you can boast of your mistress

 

What?  Things like that happen..

 

Heard you’re spending some time on the loo

and your whole house it smells just like poo

and you really cant think

with your head in the sink

as its coming out of that end too

 

True story

 

Heard your boob job it went quite awry

when you look at them you just start to cry

‘cos they’re both different sizes

and they’re full of surprises

as one nipple looks like a pork pie

 

 

 

photo courtesy of pixabay

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 19th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

Click.  Weather channel

soaring temperatures forecast

sploosh.  Need new trousers.

 

Actirasty
Yup, turns out some people get all splooshy and feel aroused by the sun’s rays.  Living in England I guess there is very little chance of me exploding all over my good work trousers because of a prolonged period of pleasant weather.  I don’t really know how this one works to be honest.  Is sun burn the holy grail of acrirastists?  Is sun screen a major turnoff?

Maybe this is made up.  But then it can’t be as it’s on the internet and the internet doesn’t lie.

Ronovan Writes Haiku Challenge: Press and Touch

Haiku challenge using press and touch…

Ronovan provides the words.  Then a haiku follows.  Though mine are kinda haiku in form only and I believe senryu in every other way.

Cold winds press my cheeks

icy fingers painting white

earth feels winters touch.

Yeah see and you thought it would be all weird because it was press and touch right.  Something along the lines of…

an unwelcomed touch

my name is kevin spacey

“pervert!” say the press

But I am better than that.  I am.  Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://ronovanwrites.com/2018/01/15/ronovanwrites-weekly-haiku-poetry-prompt-challenge-184-presstouch/

 

 

My Weekly Fetish Haiku 12th of January

Fairly obvious this one I think.

Instead of stopping these it was suggested that I simply do one a week instead.  I’m sure you know which one this is right …

 

 

Razor discarded

nature in all her glory 

rum rampant run free

Pubephilia
So turns out it is the arousal to pubic hair.  Now I don’t know not whether folk are excited by particular styles, they might well be, I didn’t research much further than that.  It is fairly obvious the route it would go down, starting at brazilians and ending in the use of the phrase ‘classic 70’s muff’.  I wont waste anyone’s time.